We're separating...

[VivianLee]

I revealed in the an NC thread that I was "slipping" into contact. Well, my husband found the call logs and saw that I had (if he'd looked into the past month, he'd seen there were no calls) but it's too late and I was told to never talk to the OM again. I wasn't having an emotional or physical affair this time, I just couldn't break the addiction of talking to him. It truly wasn't leading anywhere or having anything to do with just friendship, I didn't want him or want to be with him nor he did he-me. We just couldn't keep a NC up.

 

I also posted alot in the addiction threads.....

 

 

Well call logs don't show what is in the heart and that is that despite everything my husband and I have been through and were going through, I wanted to grow old with him and I loved him desparately with all that was in me. I should have gotten counseling on the addiction.

 

Anyway, my husband is hurt and devastated, he wants me to leave. My poor child who is already screwed up as it is is going to be told in a way that hopefully won't kill her (like there is a way)...we may just tell her we are having problems.....

 

I want to die but that would be too good for me.

 

I tried so hard and I really, really wasn't having an affair of any kind BUT I still should have maintained NC!!

 

I won't have internet access at my parent's, so I don't know if I can update y'all or not. I will be here till later this evening as I pack my things to leave.

 

If anyone that is in an affair or is thinking of breaking NC...please read this and try and let it make you realize that it's NOT worth it. Get help if you can't fight the addiction but don't hurt poor innocent people because of your problems. I have now messed up my life to the point that I will never get it back and it was good. There was so many good things to it even if my marriage wasn't perfect, I was with someone that I loved and loved me. My poor child is now going to have a broken home and the poor thing is already so messed up inside.

 

I've lost everything precious to me.....just because I needed to talk to that person and couldn't stop cold turkey....it's not worth it....don't hit rock bottom before you stop! Please!

 

Thank y'all so much for talking to me and giving advice.....you all did the best you could...I just didn't get the counseling I should have gotten.....

 

Take care...

[Owl]

I'm really very sorry to hear that Viv. Per our exchange of posts, I know how hard you've been working to reconcile things with your husband. Its sad, because I think I can see both sides here. You're working hard to reconcile, and you love your husband more than anything. You felt that the contact you had with your OM was innocuous...and it may well have been. Maybe you were going through a "weaning off" period of the contact with him. I have to say (and I'm NOT condemning you here friend!!!) that I can understand your husband's view as well tho, too. There is no way he can ever truly feel that contact between you and the OM will be nothing less than a total threat to your relationship. I know that is how I feel with my wife's OM. She tried to insist that she keep contact with him as "just friends"...but I would not/will not let that happen. She'd even commented as much as two weeks ago that if he contacted her, she'd talk to me about keeping contact as friends, as she has no hard feelings towards him. I told her then, there is no way I would accept that. If she were to ever maintain contact with him, it would be over between her and I. Its a hardline, no grey area choice from my perspective. And in truth, I'm still scared to death that there may somehow be contact going on behind my back.

 

I will keep praying for you friend. I hope that you will be able to talk with your husband, show him the last months phone records, and that perhaps he'll agree to consider working something out if you get counseling. Please do keep us informed if at all possible on how you're doing. Don't give up all hope yet...you really do never know what the future holds.

[Barby]

I'm so sorry for your pain...yes I agree that you should have gotten therapy for this "addiction" or you should have been honest with your husband that you couldn't stop calling your ex "OM"

 

I won't lecture as to........."you made your bed now lie in it" because I have read previous posts, and you've given great advice and I know you're a nice person who wasn't playing games and intentionally hurting people.

 

 

Now as to how to tell your daughter.....well she deserves to know the truth. You need to be honest because no matter how "screwed up" she may be right now lying to her now will only make it worse once she actually finds out. She may be angry or resent you for "breaking up your family" and it may cause her to act out even worse BUT she needs and deserves to know why you two are splitting.

 

I think you should ask him to call the ex "OM" and ask if you two have been having "intimate" contact. Explain to your husband WHY you were talking to this other man instead of talking to him. Do what you can to make things right including getting the therapy to figure out why you couldn't break this "addiction" and maybe in the long run you and your husband will be able to work things out. But you not sticking to your word the first time will probably make it pretty hard for him to trust you again if he ever can....

 

I had to respond to you, I truly am sorry for your pain. I don't think there is ever an excuse for affairs but with all that being said and done I honestly hope things work out for you.

[bluechocolate]

Oh Viv - I'm so sorry .

 

I don't think I've replied to any of your threads but I have been reading your story here - I was rootin' for 'ya (and that terrible teen too!).

 

I just didn't get the counseling I should have gotten.....

 

It's never too late.

 

You have my best wishes.

 

cheers

[tiki]

Viv, I am truly sorry for your pain. I can only hope that someone will see the light in your post and make the decision to start a new day without their MM. I hate that you've gone through this. Be strong. I hope that whatever works out is in your best interest. Come back soon and keep us posted!

[Owl]

Viv- I think I wanted to add one more thing for you to think about...and again, its not to hurt you friend. What I would guess that your husband is really feeling right now is also that he CAN'T trust you anymore. Not just because you slipped on your NC...but that you didn't tell him/talk to him about it. My wife slipped once on the NC that I know of...and it was the LAST communication between them. She didn't come out and admit it, but I did get her to talk to me about it, and so it was actually pretty easy to forgive at the time. If I find out now that she's been lying to me for months since, that would return the trust factor to below zero.

 

Again, don't lose all hope friend. Keep praying, and keep working on getting yourself straight regardless of what you think the outcome may be.

[VivianLee]

Thank you so much for each and everyone of your posts. I am takingin advisement on what to tell my daughter and how to handle my husband's hurt and distrust. I appreciate the support and I know that you aren't supporting my affair but just supporting a "cyber" friend that did something very stupid....

 

I feel I need to clarify something...

 

 

I didn't post about the slipping and having an addiction directly....it wasn't because I was being a hypocrite or trying to be "holier than thou"...I really, really wanted to ask for advice and help or just post what I was going through BUT my keyboard was being logged and my husband has been known to read this forum....so of course to protect my rear, I didn't discuss with y'all what was going on.....I just wanted to make sure y'all knew that and know that I didn't hold back because I was trying to be better than...that wasn't the case...

 

I should have gotten help....I wish to God I had.....

[Barby]

Well ****hugz**** i think that even though you didn't seek help about it, you realized it was a problem and unfortunatley your husband did too. I still think if you're honest and honestly keep away from phone calls, emails, whatever with the "OM" then you might be able to work things out.

 

Show your husband as well as tell him how much he and your marriage means to you. Obviously you do love him or else you wouldn't be posting here about it.

 

I only wish we could help you more, please keep us updated and know you can always get the support you need here.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Barby

Well ****hugz**** i think that even though you didn't seek help about it, you realized it was a problem and unfortunatley your husband did too. I still think if you're honest and honestly keep away from phone calls, emails, whatever with the "OM" then you might be able to work things out.

 

Show your husband as well as tell him how much he and your marriage means to you. Obviously you do love him or else you wouldn't be posting here about it.

 

I only wish we could help you more, please keep us updated and know you can always get the support you need here.

 

Thank you so much for the hug, I have no one here to give me one right now and it means so much....I was already on my way to NC for a little while....that isn't the problem anymore (I still need to get counseling for having the problem in the first place).....

 

I have no way of getting my husband to believe that it wasn't an emotional affair this time but it doesn't matter, I broke one of the vows I made to him when he agreed we stayed together....

 

I just wish knowing how much he and my daughter would hurt, would be enough to have NC....

 

I am trying to pack but I can't focus and every time I do pack, I get so sick to my stomach, I have to stop. Again, if you are reading this and you are in an affair, thinking of being in one or thinking of breaking NC for just one minute...PLEASE don't....

[Barby]

Again, if you are reading this and you are in an affair, thinking of being in one or thinking of breaking NC for just one minute...PLEASE don't....

 

 

See this is why when I post in "OW" forums (well respond to posts posted by the "OW") I say how wrong I think affairs are...I don't care if people think I say what I say because "I think I'm "better" than someone else" cuz I sure as heck KNOW I AM NOT better than anyone else...but I say affairs are wrong and should be stopped or avoided because too many people end up hurt in the end.

 

What you said above just continues to confirm what those involved in affairs want to refuse to see.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Barby

See this is why when I post in "OW" forums (well respond to posts posted by the "OW") I say how wrong I think affairs are...I don't care if people think I say what I say because "I think I'm "better" than someone else" cuz I sure as heck KNOW I AM NOT better than anyone else...but I say affairs are wrong and should be stopped or avoided because too many people end up hurt in the end.

 

What you said above just continues to confirm what those involved in affairs want to refuse to see.

 

 

Very true!

[savethedrama4allama]

I am sorry Viv, this has turned into a lose-lose situation for EVERYONE involved.

 

Treat yourself and those around you with love and tolerance. We are all human. And I agree that counseling is a good idea- at least to try.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

I am sorry Viv, this has turned into a lose-lose situation for EVERYONE involved.

 

Treat yourself and those around you with love and tolerance. We are all human. And I agree that counseling is a good idea- at least to try.

 

It seems so hopeless doesn't it?? That just the most sad feeling in the world is feeling hopeless and helpless....

 

I am going to do what ever I can that is best for my husband and daughter first. I've been selfish for way too long. I've got alot of changes coming in my life. I need to get paying job, learn to live alone (I can't live with my parent's too long and not go crazy)....because of this, my career will probably go down the drain...but that's what is needed when someone needs to get their act together...it's to hit rock bottom....

[immoralist]

Viv, this might be a blessing in disguise--for you, your husband and your daughter.

 

As for you, this break may allow you to re-make yourself as a woman and person: to find love in all its emotional and physical splendor. I know you love your handsome husband, but you were married to him in name only. Your union was sex-less, and that's not good--for anybody.

 

As for your husband,the break will allow him to shed the bitterness, resentment and hostility he feels towards you because of your affair. That he has shut down sexually with you, regardless of the reason, has diminished him. He now has an opportunity to grow without using the affair as an excuse to become ice.

 

As for your daughter, don't underestimate her. Seeing her parents separate might cause this troubled adolescent to step out of herself and connect to others. This is something for which she cannot be blamed--and that's a plus.

 

Don't look at this only as an ending, Viv. See it for what it is: A new beginning in your life and the lives of your family members. Each of you will emerge from these changes wounded and wiser. That's not a disaster, that's life.

 

Good luck, my dear.

[VivianLee]

immoralist, thank you for everything you said!!

 

Each of you will emerge from these changes wounded and wiser. That's not a disaster, that's life.

 

I need that to be true...I do so want to be wiser....I'm trying to think of it as life but it feels like such a disaster.

 

I'm trying so hard to pack but it feels like every time I pick up something to pack, I'm nailing the coffin to my marriage and my life....

[Ladyjane14]

{{{{{VivianLee}}}}}

 

I'm sooooo sorry.

 

I hope that even though today looks particularly bleak, that you will eventually find happiness. You have so many positive character traits that come shining through in your posts. A person of your quality will inevitably rise to the top, even after serious setbacks.

 

I don't know how your marriage will turn out, but I have faith in you, and that you'll keep on being sweet.

 

Hang in there, hon.

[immoralist]

Viv, right now, you're at the lowest point. You're packing!

 

I predict that six months from now, there will be no more talk of coffins. You will have re-made yourself into the colorful, bright, exciting and sensual woman that you are, but have not had the opportunity to be. You will become "you," again.

 

This is not a death sentence, Viv. It's liberation from a family mired in some dysfunctional patterns. The ending of these destructive patterns will benefit not only you, but your husband and daughter, too.

 

You'll see.

[VivianLee]

Thanks again, immoralist and LadyJane.....

 

 

I'm trying to keep a good outlook as to the future and I think eventually I'll have one. My daughter will be home in a bit so I'll have to get off this forum....

 

I don't now when I can return and update you, my parent's don't have the internet (they think it's Satan) but as soon as I can get a place of my own, I'll update y'all or if I get access to a computer. Don't worry if it's a while before you hear from me.....

 

Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers (I know you sweet people will) and I'll be thinking of each of you....and again, if those of you are in an affair or thinking of getting in one or have been in a NC situation....PLEASE don't do it....you don't see it now but picture having to leave your home and your family! Try packing your things and knowing it may mean you never get to come back ever again....

 

If you are addicted...get counseling!!

 

I am going to be okay....it just doesn't feel that way right now!

 

Everyone take care!!

[meanon]

Hugs to you Viv.

 

Right now you are grieving for the loss of the marriage and the hurt you have caused by not keeping to your NC vow. That's understandable. What of the rest of the picture?

 

You were in a marriage with no intimacy and little warmth or physical expression of affection. You were expected to accept this as a fait accompli. You had little privacy or independence because of the emotional affair, yet he had the full monty and you were not permitted to discuss it afterwards. These were givens, non-negotiables.

 

Counselling may have helped but this was a marriage in crisis and the responsibility to do something was shared. You cracked first, you were under the most pressure. It was almost inevitable in the circumstances, Viv.

 

Now you have the chance to take control of your life. I know these are the worst of times but you will come through them. Take this chance to be happy, Viv. You deserve it.

[hotgurl]

viv,

I am sorry for your pain. But this is a chance to take look at yourself and work on you. therapy will help and I think when his is all over and things settle you will be stronger and happier.

 

Just a side note. I don't know where you live but most public libraries have internet access,

[VivianLee]

I'm here getting some more things to take to my parent's. My daughter is just breaking my heart, she doesn't want me to leave. I don't want to either.

 

My parent's took me in with open arms. They told me they were disappointed but they loved me. Then they proceeded to quote scripture to me for about an hour. Then they discussed about 1 dozen depressing horrible things, it is always like viewing the 700 Club. I know that I can't stay at my parent's and stay sane. I'm staying in my brother's room (THE ONE HE DIED IN) the room is like a memorial to him.

 

I don't know how I can make it....I'm so scared and so sick....

[Owl]

Hang in there friend. Things will get better. One possible hope that you may have in the future...hopefully your husband will eventually calm down to a point where he may be able to talk with you about all of this. My thoughts are that this will have shocked you to a point where you'll be able to leave the OM entirely, as a friend as well as anything else. If that truly happens, MAYBE you'll be able to work things out with your husband at some point in the future. If that is what you desire, then I hope that is what comes out for you.

 

Right now, your husband is feeling the exact same gambit of emotions he felt back when your affair first came out. He feels like it never ended, and that he's been played for a dupe this whole time. He's sick, he's angry, he's hurt, and he's likely taking it out on you. Once these feelings have run their course, hopefully you two will be able to talk. Maybe then you'll be able to get him to understand what went on, and maybe he'll be able to forgive it.

 

Regardless, best wishes to you friend. Focus on the good things that are left (your daughter is hurt, but she still loves her mommy!). Find those, put your eyes on those, and keep the faith!

[RowanRavyn]

Viv,

 

My thoughts are with you. Sometimes these brains and hearts are just entirely too human.

 

You have learned the lesson, now, be gentle with yourself. Get that counseling, take care of yourself. Focus on one step at a time.

 

::HUGS::

[VivianLee]

Hey y'all.....

 

Again, I appreciate the words of wisdom and comfort! I'm reading them all and they mean so much......I saw my husband on Friday when I came to the house to get a few things. He went on to our bedroom, while I did a few things on the computer. He never came out. When I went in, he looked AWFUL, just AWFUL. He was already depressed because it was coming up on the one year anniversary of his mother's death, he loved her more than anyone in the world and he was closer to her than anyone else in his life.....now he's dealing with this mess I created.....I didn't want to leave him or home but he didn't say stay so I left.

 

The weekend went okay. A church member told me she really wanted me to come to her daughter's party (most of the church members know what has happened and said they loved me and wanted me to still attend, but I’m not right now, it’s too hard) so I went and was welcomed and treated with so much love.

 

Saturday afternoon was hard. It was the first Iron Bowl (Alabama Versus Auburn-football) that I'd missed watching with my husband since we were 18 and dating... (plus Bama lost ...)....my daughter had been very hurt and angry but we were maintaining a good relationship and being there for each other TILL Sunday morning....

 

Somehow she found LoveShack!! YEP....she has read everything. Actually, everything I've talked about with y'all concerning my marriage and the breaking of NC, she's known since things came out Tuesday. However, she wasn't thrilled to find out I'd spoken about her and our situation! She won't speak to me now!! She and her Daddy are very, very private people and even though y'all don't know us from "Adam's house cat", she is terribly pissed I aired our dirty laundry to a public forum...

 

I didn't have anyone else to talk to. I'd rather had told strangers how she was acting than people that know her and cause them to feel badly about her.

 

I will apologize for talking to the man I used to have an affair with, however, I am not going to apologize for asking for advice because I loved her so much, I wanted to help her and do what's right.

 

I have so many regrets and so many wishes to go back and change things but I can't do it. I've got to move on and try to live my life as if I'm never going to be back with my family, that thought kills me but I’ve GOT to keep on going…

 

My parent's are livid at my husband for making me leave. They know the other side of the story concerning our marriage over the years but still I must take my part of the fault in this current situation.

 

I still would like to come home and be a family but I see that right now it wouldn't be good for my husband or my daughter at least till they can deal with their anger and hurt. He may not want me back at all. If so, then I have to deal.

 

I'm currently looking for employment. I didn't come near finishing getting my degrees in law and history. I was happy being Mama and wife (although I didn't do a great job either way). I have some experience in administrative positions and other things. I know that not having a degree is going to keep my pay way down.

 

It's not easy living with my parent's but they have been so good to me. I try not to get my Daddy too upset (he is on a heart transplant list) nor cause too much pressure on Mama....They have caused me to get a grip on some things and realize that my husband has some problems (as do I) and that I've gone through a lot over the years with him and that he needs to take some responsibility for our marriage not being what it should be all these years...they also don't want me begging to go back. They love my husband and want us to work it out if we can but they just don't want me going back and being a doormat due to my feeling guilty and such.

 

I don't have anyone I can talk to. Church members have called and want to talk to me, I can't just tell them "my side" of the marriage. I don't want them to be disappointed in their minister or to think badly of him plus, he really is a good person and what they see on Sunday's as his congregation is truly what he is....

 

It's so mixed up isn't it??

 

I think the thing that kills me most is that I'm probably not going to have a relationship with my daughter. I love that baby so much and she is my world.

 

I'm going to do as much as I can to let her know I love her and try to gain her trust and love back. I need it so much!!

 

Again, if you want to cheat or are cheating.....it's not worth it.....it's NEVER worth it!!

 

Y'all take care and know that I appreciate y'all so much!!! I'll be here a while if anyone wants to PM or anything.....

[meanon]

....They have caused me to get a grip on some things and realize that my husband has some problems (as do I) and that I've gone through a lot over the years with him and that he needs to take some responsibility for our marriage not being what it should be all these years...they also don't want me begging to go back. They love my husband and want us to work it out if we can but they just don't want me going back and being a doormat due to my feeling guilty and such.

That's wise advice from your parents, Vivian. I'm glad you are beginning to see that whilst you may have made mistakes, you were under tremendous pressure and that your husband bears some of the responsibiklity for creating that.

 

Guilt is such a destructive emotion. Have confidence in the fact that your daughter needs her Mommy. It's not unusual for kids to push their parents away when they are in pain, that doesn't mean she doesn't want a relationship with you. Fight for her, Vivian. Don't let your guilt or her anger get in the way.