underwater2010 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Did your husband confess? Would that make finding out less painful? No he did not confess. I found out almost about six months after they ended it themselves. After having another child and working my butt of for our household. Would it have been less painful.....NO. But I can tell you that I would not have gotten pregnant again (even though she is a beautiful blessings to our family). And I probably would have kicked him out had it not been over.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Don't shoot the messenger for exposing you to what will happen should all of this come out. And how can you say that your husband has all but given up, when you have yet to discuss all of your desires with him. In marriage there is such thing called communication. Without it....you end up making horrible decisions such as the one we are currently discussing. As for his wife....have you ever sat down and had a conversation with her as to why their sex life is the way it is? You might be surprised what you find out. Also....there is a chance that you will lose a "good dad" if this comes out. If you feel for his BW and do not want to hurt her, then please stop what you are doing. Anything less than stopping just shows that you don't care. I am not going to say it will be easy, but it should be done. I am truly sorry if you don't like what I have to say. Just because it comes from the "other side" does not mean it is any less true. Don't be sorry. I want and need to hear it. I say my husband has all but given up because he only comes home once or twice a week.. By choice. Not my choice. And yes. I've heard it come from her.. She does not enjoy penetration .. At ALL and is disgusted by kissing. She doesn't understand why cuddling and him self pleasuring shouldn't be enough for him.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Unless and until you've received this information directly from the man's wife, it is unverifiable and hence unreliable to make decisions relevant to relationships upon, IMO. It's OK to choose to have sex with another, cognizant of the consequences of that choice, but I would strongly suggest not relying on this and similar 'reasons' as motivation for and/or validation of that choice. To put a fine point on it, only the parties involved in the M know, in their minds, what occurs in the M. No one else can possibly know what is in their minds. They communicate what they choose to communicate and communications are words and, in this realm, generally unverifiable, hence unreliable. BTDT as an OM for many years, long ago. Lots of lessons learned. If anything.. She describes their sex life to me as more barren than he does. He still has hope it can get better and I encourage that. She thinks cuddling should be acceptable enough.. Those are her words. She does not want to increase the quantity they are having but has worked on quality., they average every couple months sometimes ones a month with actual intercourse. That comes from her.. Not him.
fanine Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Don't be sorry. I want and need to hear it. I say my husband has all but given up because he only comes home once or twice a week.. By choice. Not my choice. And yes. I've heard it come from her.. She does not enjoy penetration .. At ALL and is disgusted by kissing. She doesn't understand why cuddling and him self pleasuring shouldn't be enough for him. You say he is a good dad...but is this a good example for your kids? They are getting an impression from you that this is how relationships are. Their father only home once or twice a week?? I don't know how old they are either, but if old enough they may well notice something is off with their parents relationship, and be aware you have something going on elsewhere....
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Sounds like I fish for that info but she provides it, knowing that I'm very sexual she wants my advice on it.. But the advice she seeks is how to make him back off.. Not how to help. I want to help, in the end him being happy is what really matters to me, even if it meant us not being physical anymore.
underwater2010 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Don't be sorry. I want and need to hear it. I say my husband has all but given up because he only comes home once or twice a week.. By choice. Not my choice. And yes. I've heard it come from her.. She does not enjoy penetration .. At ALL and is disgusted by kissing. She doesn't understand why cuddling and him self pleasuring shouldn't be enough for him. What only once or twice per week by choice? Can you elaborate on that.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 You say he is a good dad...but is this a good example for your kids? They are getting an impression from you that this is how relationships are. Their father only home once or twice a week?? I don't know how old they are either, but if old enough they may well notice something is off with their parents relationship, and be aware you have something going on elsewhere.... Around here that's common because of the work environment here.. He's far from the only husband on the block to be gone most of the week. He does choose to spend a lot of his off days away too though.. And no it's not what I want for my children at all and he knows that. To him money is more inportant than time. Other that that.. My kids are happy and healthy and are growing up around all of his family and all of my family and a lot of very close friends so what they miss without him here as much they do have a lot of support and love and in a divorce a lot of that would change.. That's how I see it. I want them connected to all these people.. People would say we are a happy couple and our children sed us love each other and show affection. I do also understand I'm risking all that. My kids are still fairly young. I don't know that when they are all grown ill still stay with my husband but right now.. I'm guessing I will.
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 How delusional some people can be. His BS comes to you with problems in their relationship...and you...EXPLOIT them!!!! That is what you DO, that is who you ARE. Only want mm to be happy??? Get REAL. You are in this affair to make YOURSELF happy. Seriously, this whole situation is six ways to sunday one big ego boost for you.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 How delusional some people can be. His BS comes to you with problems in their relationship...and you...EXPLOIT them!!!! That is what you DO, that is who you ARE. Only want mm to be happy??? Get REAL. You are in this affair to make YOURSELF happy. Seriously, this whole situation is six ways to sunday one big ego boost for you. I don't think I exploit them. I'm not great friends with her, she just kind of spews information whenever we are together, and probably usually because we've been drinking .. I tell her things like, if you hate sex try even kissing.. She says she's disgusted by kissing.. She's ok with cuddling. I have suggested cuddling could progress if they make a point to more often. Think whatever you want. I'm sure this has to do someone with ego deep down but I'm not trying to ruin anyone's life.
Owl Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 If you're being physically, or emotionally intimate...or both...without the knowledge and consent of your spouse...you're in an affair. Pretty simple...the defining point of this being some level of communication/interaction that you KNOW that your spouse would not approve of/agree to if he were given the choice. Pretty simple and straightforward, really. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 I knew if I mentioned much about his wife I would be attacked here and rightfully so I guess, I understand there is wounds here and what Im doing is morally wrong. His wife and I are not really friends at least from my view we never hang out alone.. We have but not on purpose, and I do try too keep my interactions with her light, she really likes me though and is drawn to me and offers up a lot of information without me asking at all. I do not bad mouth her to him. I never ever have not once.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 What only once or twice per week by choice? Can you elaborate on that. He works an hour away and lots of times stays in camp there instead of coming home. Work means 7 days a week usually for a few weeks at a time. He does come home some night to.. Sleep? Kids are usually in bed when he's home and he's gone before we are up if he works and happened to have been home for the night. He hunts and fishes and stuff like that, snow mobiles in the winter. Around here most of the guys do, we just happen to have 4 kids so it makes it harder for me than some of the other wives and girlfriends but we deal.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 If you're being physically, or emotionally intimate...or both...without the knowledge and consent of your spouse...you're in an affair. Pretty simple...the defining point of this being some level of communication/interaction that you KNOW that your spouse would not approve of/agree to if he were given the choice. Pretty simple and straightforward, really. This makes sense I understand that better now.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 How delusional some people can be. His BS comes to you with problems in their relationship...and you...EXPLOIT them!!!! That is what you DO, that is who you ARE. Only want mm to be happy??? Get REAL. You are in this affair to make YOURSELF happy. Seriously, this whole situation is six ways to sunday one big ego boost for you. Also. I'm definitely in this affair to be happy too. When he told me he had deeper feelings for me the first time, I had already l known it, in my mind I did. I already knew if he ever said that it would progress and it did. We knew each other for about 5 years already and had started with crushes on each other that progressed to emotional connection and friendship for 3 years before as ever spoke out loud that it was something we thought we should start to hide.. It was a choice. I know that. I knew what I was doing. I don't want to ruin his life or marriage in any way though and I try to keep the relationship completely out of advice I give or anything affecting the rest of our lives I know this wont last forever and I don't intend to try and rock the boat more than I already am. We are just trying to enjoy it for what it is.. In the moment.
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I try to keep the relationship completely out of advice I give or anything affecting the rest of our lives I know this wont last forever and I don't intend to try and rock the boat more than I already am. We are just trying to enjoy it for what it is.. In the moment. What you are engaging in is affecting the rest of your collective lives...children included. Rock the boat??? You have sunk it!!!! If you want to enjoy what you are doing...then go right ahead. Your enjoyment is at the expense of others....again...children even. For some...they live their lives unconsciously...blaming the stars, the universe, the time of year..or a higher being...purpose. Want to know the truth.....all that is bull...people make stuff happen...not the universe. If you are content with your head in the sand...unwilling to look at the impending storm that is coming...that is your prerogative. What isn't...is your belief that it is your right to dictate the lives of others. You are robbing both bs...of their right...to live their lives..to their standards.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 I try to keep the relationship completely out of advice I give or anything affecting the rest of our lives I know this wont last forever and I don't intend to try and rock the boat more than I already am. We are just trying to enjoy it for what it is.. In the moment. What you are engaging in is affecting the rest of your collective lives...children included. Rock the boat??? You have sunk it!!!! If you want to enjoy what you are doing...then go right ahead. Your enjoyment is at the expense of others....again...children even. For some...they live their lives unconsciously...blaming the stars, the universe, the time of year..or a higher being...purpose. Want to know the truth.....all that is bull...people make stuff happen...not the universe. If you are content with your head in the sand...unwilling to look at the impending storm that is coming...that is your prerogative. What isn't...is your belief that it is your right to dictate the lives of others. You are robbing both bs...of their right...to live their lives..to their standards. A little over a year ago both our marriages where in huge slumps. She wanted him to stop pestering her for sex, and he has, she's thrilled about that, my husband wanted me to stop bitching when he went away instead of coming home on his days off.. I have, he's thrilled. It may be a bandaid but right now I don't feel I'm robbing them of much. We both still love our spouses. We all seem to be getting something out of it although I agree.. They would likely not agree with that statement should it all be out in the open! I know that already. I've thought about my kids being affected a great deal thank you for your concern.
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 What difference does it make ...the state of their marriage could be near divorce..it doesnt make you any less an ow (others would use another word). I understand that viewing yourself in any negative light....will end the delusion of the affair. I get that. That is how one is able to engage in behaviours that go against their morals. If you actually were to view yourself from outside...you would not be able to look for very long. So, along comes our good old friend ....justification. Our way of letting ourselves do unspeakable acts against others...even the innocent Its a bandaid...see...I am actually doing GOOD We all seem to be getting something out of it..good to know...that you know.....that the WE you are referring to ...is just you and the mm. See, how you led with the WE though??? How you state your concern for your children..yet..still continue. Interesting, how you have no empathy for what will be said to them at school about their mother.
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Would you call this an affair? Or are we friends with benefits? Friends with benefits is between two single people. No harm as long as both know the rules but even then eventually one or both develop feelings and it ruins the fun of the FWB situation. No one else gets hurt in the outside world if you have an FWB going on. An affair is between two married people, one single, one married, etc IS harmful and damaging, many can be hurt by it. If your spouses found out they would NOT classify this as FWB. Just sayin'..
Turtles Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 A little over a year ago both our marriages where in huge slumps. She wanted him to stop pestering her for sex, and he has, she's thrilled about that, my husband wanted me to stop bitching when he went away instead of coming home on his days off.. I have, he's thrilled. It may be a bandaid but right now I don't feel I'm robbing them of much. We both still love our spouses. We all seem to be getting something out of it although I agree.. They would likely not agree with that statement should it all be out in the open! I know that already. I've thought about my kids being affected a great deal thank you for your concern. Sounds like a win/win for everybody involved. 1
Turtles Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Yet something is bothering you and pushed you to log on this board and ask affirmation that what you were doing was "not really" an affair. Why is that? 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Yet something is bothering you and pushed you to log on this board and ask affirmation that what you were doing was "not really" an affair. Why is that? Of course things about this bother me. I'd be really scared for myself if I felt no guilt. I do. But in the moment it's improving my life so yes I'm still on this track. I wasn't looking for someone to tell me what I'm in isn't really an affair, I just noticed the dynamic of ours is different from lots here and instead of continuing the conversation about that on another thread I made a new one.. I'm a curious person. I like to discuss my thoughts.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Sounds like a win/win for everybody involved. Win win if nobody gets caught and we can keep our feelings for each other under control. He's been feeling tremendous guilt at times because his feelings for my have grown and that wasn't the intent at the beginning and I'm obviously feeling guilty too because I get angry with my husband too easily... So we need to get it under control or that's a lose lose. I realize even not getting caught the affair is damaging to our marriages in the long run especially if we can't control our feelings. I need to be reminded.
LilGirlandOW Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) I think there are varying degrees of commitment in A's, but if one of you are married its definetly an A. You have have a casual A? (if thats a thing? lol). Edited September 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content
sweet_pea Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) As for the thread... it's an affair. Pretty simple. An affair that will definitely end with lots of pain and heartbreak. FWB? No... Edited September 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content retained. 1
Turtles Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Win win if nobody gets caught and we can keep our feelings for each other under control. He's been feeling tremendous guilt at times because his feelings for my have grown and that wasn't the intent at the beginning and I'm obviously feeling guilty too because I get angry with my husband too easily... So we need to get it under control or that's a lose lose. I realize even not getting caught the affair is damaging to our marriages in the long run especially if we can't control our feelings. I need to be reminded. Mmm by now your "band-aid" is looking more like gangrene. You know, I don't blame you. My SO has some health issues right now which mean we are not having sex nearly as often as I would like. I would love to be able to just go out and have sex with someone else with no consequence... but: I would not be able to get into a habit of lying to her without losing my trust & respect for her... and without those, where is the love? and, I really love her, and don't want to lose thatI would not be able to get into a habit of lying without losing respect for myself... I had a very short EA at the end of my marriage and although I thoroughly enjoyed the rush, I was not able to look at myself in the mirror anymore, it really affected my self esteem for a time. But now looking back, it was also a learning experience about my boundariesI would not be able to have sex with someone on a regular basis and not develop feelings... I would not be able to keep those "under control" as you put - I am very aware that I would be driven to pursue the relationship, which would ruin my current relationship, and I don't want that. Obviously I would make a terrible swinger, that's OK though, I like me that way! I think it's a terrible example for my kid should he ever find out... it would teach him that lying is not wrong.STDs... probably not relevant to you but I am paranoid about those. If what you want is some reminder that what you are doing is morally wrong, then you won't be short on this board, lol! But honestly, I could care less about the morality. It really is of little consequence to me what society thinks is acceptable or not. The above points are my motivations to remain faithful, so maybe you need to find your own.
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