AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) Would you classify what we have as an affair? We do talk almost every day but not about our personal relationship.. We text a couple times a week about it.. It gets intense once or twice a week but we have been silent for a week at a time before... We only get physical about once a month some months it's been more.. We have feelings for each other and both know that.. But we do not say I love you.. We've agreed not too. We actually help each other a lot in trying to deal with marriage issues.. We don't say bad things about our spouses to one another and give honest advice .. We know each others spouses.. Very well. We love being together but we don't avoid family time to sneak in time together.. We only meet up when there is spare time where we were not supposed to be with family already.. Maybe that doesn't matter to other people but it makes a difference in risk for us. We keep it light and flirty and at the beginning it was all very much about talking about things that meant a lot to us.. It was very emotional and filled with "if we had only met before" .. But now we've shifted it back to being very physical when we talk about it or are alone with each other.. Sex is easier to deal with than emotion. We are both married, both with kids, neither of us intend to change that situation and we both know this wont last forever but we both would love to make it last.. Even if eventually it slows down to once a year.. Would you call this an affair? Or are we friends with benefits? Edited September 4, 2013 by AutumnMoon
LBlanc Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) ...does the difference matter? Edited September 4, 2013 by LBlanc clarification 1
underwater2010 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Friends with benefits only exist when neither party is married/engaged/dating monogamously. Once you or your sex/emotional partner are engaged in a main relationship it is called an AFFAIR. Please do not try to down play it or make it something simple. What you are doing is very complicated and could hurt both your families if ever discovered. 5
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 ...does the difference matter? Maybe not. I'm just curious. So many people claim that they are madly in love and that's why the affair is happening or continuing.. I love him.. I know he loves me, but we don't say that because we are trying to keep things in perspective.. We are friends before lovers.
Calcmag Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Well if you really need to label it, to me it is an affair because you're both married to other people. I don't see how it's not an affair. And for me, the FWB label applies to people who are single but choose not to be in an exclusive commitment together. It sounds as if you're wanting to find a label for it but needing to ascertain if it's an emotional attachment or just a physical attachment? Is that what you mean? Edited to add, just noticed that I've cross posted with all above.
carhill Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 If your behaviors are performed in front of your respective spouses and they approve, then your relationship is not an affair. Good luck. 4
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Friends with benefits only exist when neither party is married/engaged/dating monogamously. Once you or your sex/emotional partner are engaged in a main relationship it is called an AFFAIR. Please do not try to down play it or make it something simple. What you are doing is very complicated and could hurt both your families if ever discovered. Thanks, that makes sense. I'm not trying to downplay it here.. But ya we both do that in real life.. Always down playing it. we know it could cause a lot of devastation.. So could other affairs, and yes this would be worse since we know each others spouses but we are careful about that and do not take lightly.. If that is even believable.
Calcmag Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Thanks, that makes sense. I'm not trying to downplay it here.. But ya we both do that in real life.. Always down playing it. we know it could cause a lot of devastation.. So could other affairs, and yes this would be worse since we know each others spouses but we are careful about that and do not take the side lightly.. If that is even believable. Having been in an affair for 6 years, and then continued the relationship with exMOM for another 3 years after we both were divorced, I would say that both of you need to stop down playing it and get a grip about how serious what you're doing is. An affair is never 'just a bit of fun' or something to be downplayed. It's a horribly destructive thing that invariably causes a huge amount of pain. Time to both get a grip on the reality of it.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 This is an affair any way you look at it. FWB is something single people have while one or both people date around outside the FWB situation. It's a very non-descriptive term that I think some women find cute and as a way of justifying their behaviors. It's a way of putting a cute spin on things. You on the other hand are in a physical and emotional affair if you want get all labely about things. I don't get why you would think FWB would be a good description of what you have. I wasn't saying it was one or the other.. I was asking what other people thought. I do consider it an affair, I've just noticed its a lot different dynamic than some I've seen described here.
Calcmag Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I wasn't saying it was one or the other.. I was asking what other people thought. I do consider it an affair, I've just noticed its a lot different dynamic than some I've seen described here. It doesn't matter what other people think, although I have noticed that most people when they're in the affair addiction think that their own affair has a different dynamic to everyone else's affair. What do you think is so different about yours? 1
carhill Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I wasn't saying it was one or the other.. I was asking what other people thought. I do consider it an affair, I've just noticed its a lot different dynamic than some I've seen described here. Exclusive of the relationship being an affair, which you apparently feel it is, it stands alone as a style of relationship. Based on what you've posted, my opinion is that it trends more to casual sex/FWB than a romantic relationship.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 It doesn't matter what other people think, although I have noticed that most people when they're in the affair addiction think that their own affair has a different dynamic to everyone else's affair. What do you think is so different about yours? I'm not claiming mine to be more or less "special" than anyone else's.. It feels different for me because its not what I ever envisioned an affair to be like I guess. We are very much close friends who are attracted to each other in an almost magnetic way .. Like I'm sure a lot of people here were... But we are able to seperate it from daily get together was to a staggering degree.. At least in my eyes. Sometimes it blows my mind how we can talk like its a totally seperate life and nobody has any idea. I just hear so many stories about I love you's and romantic gifts.. We don't do those things.. But we can share a look across the room and feel like we've talked for hours. I don't claim us to be star crossed lovers. We are almost the same person instead.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 It is an affair and like most affairs it will run its course sooner or later. Do not get too attached, though I suspect you already are. Get IC to see why you prefer a man lesser than your H. I'm very very attached, I would miss him greatly if he was no longer in my life.. But we both know it will happen one day and have accepted that, we'll remain friendly.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Exclusive of the relationship being an affair, which you apparently feel it is, it stands alone as a style of relationship. Based on what you've posted, my opinion is that it trends more to casual sex/FWB than a romantic relationship. I think so too. It's more about friendship.. The closest thing to romance was at the very beginning when we talked about how we felt like we were meant to meet.. How we wished we had met sooner and the feeling of being complete now.. That's as romantic as it ever got! And that's nothing unique I'm sure.
fanine Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I'm very very attached, I would miss him greatly if he was no longer in my life.. But we both know it will happen one day and have accepted that, we'll remain friendly. You really don't know if you can remain on good terms until the situation arises. I thought I could with my xMM, but it definitely did not play out that way...there is usually too much history in such things. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 You really don't know if you can remain on good terms until the situation arises. I thought I could with my xMM, but it definitely did not play out that way...there is usually too much history in such things. Since we have mutual friends I envision it will fade to once a year get togethers in twenty some years.. Obviously unless a DDay was to happen.
ComingInHot Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Autumn moon, you ask if slepping w/a MM is an A or friend w/benies... I most certainly degine an A as a M person getting intimacy from someone Other than their spise an A. But don't take our word for it, tell your spouse/s and see what they think. 3
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 If "affair" doesn't feel like the right term to classify what you are doing because it makes you think "love affair", call it FWB if you want but that's not really accurate either because like other posters said, FWB is a term used by single people- it's still infidelity whether he is strictly a F buddy, a great friend or you think he is the love of your life. 1
Calcmag Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I'm not claiming mine to be more or less "special" than anyone else's.. It feels different for me because its not what I ever envisioned an affair to be like I guess. We are very much close friends who are attracted to each other in an almost magnetic way .. Like I'm sure a lot of people here were... But we are able to seperate it from daily get together was to a staggering degree.. At least in my eyes. Sometimes it blows my mind how we can talk like its a totally seperate life and nobody has any idea. I just hear so many stories about I love you's and romantic gifts.. We don't do those things.. But we can share a look across the room and feel like we've talked for hours. I don't claim us to be star crossed lovers. We are almost the same person instead. I didn't think you were trying to say yours was somehow 'special', I was just curious about what you think is so different about your affair. We never said ILY's either, until almost the very end of the relationship, by which time we'd both been single for a couple of years. We only gave gifts once we were both single, and only for birthdays, or Christmas etc. When it started it was based only on sex. We didn't meet for any other reason except to have sex, we didn't talk very much in between times. It was just sex. But over the years it evolved in a way that neither of us expected it to. So we spent more time together not having sex. We talked more. We still had the most amazing sex I've experienced and am ever likely to, but the relationship was no longer just about sex. Don't try to make comparisons with what other people are doing/saying in their affairs. Honestly it can drive you nuts if you do that. Although I do believe that most affairs do share the same basic dynamic, I'm referring mostly to the addiction. But your affair will have differences because you two are individual, and your coming together will never be identical to anyone elses. 1
Calcmag Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 You really don't know if you can remain on good terms until the situation arises. I thought I could with my xMM, but it definitely did not play out that way...there is usually too much history in such things. So true. Similar to most things in life, you can never be sure of anything.
underwater2010 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 AutumnMoon....It does not matter if you don't tell each other ILY. Fact is you (both?) have developed an emotional attachment. As a BW that never saw ILY or let's run off together.....it still HURTS. What you are doing is taking time away from your marriage and family no matter how little time that is. You are being sexual with someone other than your spouse. I really suggest you take a look at this forum and others where BS's post and take a good hard look at what you and him are doing. What the ramifications will be if you guys are discovered. And then decide if you think this is such a great idea. PS You are not just messing with your spouse's life, but the future of your children. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 AutumnMoon....It does not matter if you don't tell each other ILY. Fact is you (both?) have developed an emotional attachment. As a BW that never saw ILY or let's run off together.....it still HURTS. What you are doing is taking time away from your marriage and family no matter how little time that is. You are being sexual with someone other than your spouse. I really suggest you take a look at this forum and others where BS's post and take a good hard look at what you and him are doing. What the ramifications will be if you guys are discovered. And then decide if you think this is such a great idea. PS You are not just messing with your spouse's life, but the future of your children. You know what.. Hearing from betrayed wives is what gets me the most. My husband has all but given up trying to fix what we have but he's a good dad.. So I stay. My AP's wife.. Is a good woman who just doesn't like sex, but she tried hard to make him happy but does expect him up self pleasure and does not intend to work in their sex life.. That's their only major issue. I feel for her and don't want to hurt her.
Author AutumnMoon Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 AutumnMoon....It does not matter if you don't tell each other ILY. Fact is you (both?) have developed an emotional attachment. As a BW that never saw ILY or let's run off together.....it still HURTS. What you are doing is taking time away from your marriage and family no matter how little time that is. You are being sexual with someone other than your spouse. I really suggest you take a look at this forum and others where BS's post and take a good hard look at what you and him are doing. What the ramifications will be if you guys are discovered. And then decide if you think this is such a great idea. PS You are not just messing with your spouse's life, but the future of your children. Did your husband confess? Would that make finding out less painful?
underwater2010 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 You know what.. Hearing from betrayed wives is what gets me the most. My husband has all but given up trying to fix what we have but he's a good dad.. So I stay. My AP's wife.. Is a good woman who just doesn't like sex, but she tried hard to make him happy but does expect him up self pleasure and does not intend to work in their sex life.. That's their only major issue. I feel for her and don't want to hurt her. Don't shoot the messenger for exposing you to what will happen should all of this come out. And how can you say that your husband has all but given up, when you have yet to discuss all of your desires with him. In marriage there is such thing called communication. Without it....you end up making horrible decisions such as the one we are currently discussing. As for his wife....have you ever sat down and had a conversation with her as to why their sex life is the way it is? You might be surprised what you find out. Also....there is a chance that you will lose a "good dad" if this comes out. If you feel for his BW and do not want to hurt her, then please stop what you are doing. Anything less than stopping just shows that you don't care. I am not going to say it will be easy, but it should be done. I am truly sorry if you don't like what I have to say. Just because it comes from the "other side" does not mean it is any less true. 2
carhill Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 My AP's wife.. Is a good woman who just doesn't like sex, but she tried hard to make him happy but does expect him up self pleasure and does not intend to work in their sex life.. Unless and until you've received this information directly from the man's wife, it is unverifiable and hence unreliable to make decisions relevant to relationships upon, IMO. It's OK to choose to have sex with another, cognizant of the consequences of that choice, but I would strongly suggest not relying on this and similar 'reasons' as motivation for and/or validation of that choice. To put a fine point on it, only the parties involved in the M know, in their minds, what occurs in the M. No one else can possibly know what is in their minds. They communicate what they choose to communicate and communications are words and, in this realm, generally unverifiable, hence unreliable. BTDT as an OM for many years, long ago. Lots of lessons learned. 2
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