ZBamboo Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Thanks in advance for any advice you give me, I'm only young and this is my first 'love' as you call it, but im struggling to understand what I should do and its destroying me. I'm 19 he is 21 we've been going out for 2 and a half years not long I know but long enough for me to completely become in love he also says he loves me too( but i think he thinks he loves me more than he does). He is unemployed and I'm in college, we still live with our parents but want to move out but can't as no money. Our social life is strained as the lack of money, everyone's working/ busy and we NEVER go out together but when we rarely do it's my doing. At our 2nd year anniversary he split up with me as i became a little controlling, he gave me a second chance as i could see it myself and after that started trusting him more, thus we both feel that all controlling stopped. since then its been different, he has put less and less effort into the relationship, for example he's never been the romantic type as he doesn't think to be, but he doesn't even bother talking to me when we're not together we could go about a week with him not talking to me once but only cause I ring him (as I miss him), his reason is I beat him to it, so when I'm not with him i don't exist, anything that's important to me he has no interest in, I had a CBT test the other day which he knew but never bothered to ask how it went, my art, my day nothing he cares about, and if he does ask its because I've hinted. Our sex life is non-existent, I want it and am really attracted to him and try to initiate it but he never picks up on my hints and behaviour, and He never initiates it as he is never in the mood, he doesn't Like porn as we both feel its not nice in a relationship to be looking at other people and getting sexually excited off them, but i don't know why he isn't interested in me. on top of this i pay for EVERYTHING :/ and this is because he is lazy when looking for a job. he will go on one website to page 5 then that's it, and this is like once a week, he has no ambition in life but i want to help him find it and i don't want to leave him behind. There is so many things I love about him but he really needs to mature, he sits around on Xbox all day and never bothers with me until I ask, I just feel like a nuisance and like he Doesn't love me any more Either that or he Just can't be arsed showing any interest in me, I talk to him all the time but all he says is I'm sorry, I'll try harder but nothing happens, I just feel like im nagging but it really upset me. Another thing I'd like to see some advice for is I Feel and think i Love him but could I just be comfortable with him? There is alot more to put but i feel I've moaned enough What do you think I should do? My head is in a mess I don't know if i love him or should be with him
IAmRobot Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 So he has a million and one negatives..... Huh? How did you even end up with him? Do yourself a favor and break up now. The sooner the better. The gap between your values is just gonna get bigger as you keep going to colelge and he keeps being a lazy bum living at his parents basement.
amaysngrace Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 He sounds too immature to be in a committed relationship with you or anybody else so try not to take it personally. You sound unhappy. You don't want to leave him behind but that's what life is doing naturally. You've outgrown him. If you keep giving and he keeps taking without giving back then you are going to be drained. You have needs too. He could at least meet some of them. If I were you I'd walk away. What you say is comfort doesn't sound like it's very comfortable at all. 1
Author ZBamboo Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 I'm not sure how we got together but the thing is i can't hate him because he is a fantastic person/ friend but a useless boyfriend, he makes me laugh and happy but only when we're not fighting :/ Basically he thinks im controlling in a bit because i have my foot up his arse telling him to apply for a job giving him a list of websites, job centres things like that I've even given him numbers to phone but he hates help from me as he has pride. he is trying a bit recently to get a job but i just feel he is getting nowhere :/
Author ZBamboo Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 He does take care of himself but another problem is his parents treat him as a slave and always tell him what to do, so this doesnt help in the fact that he has been brought up always been told what to do so he doesnt think to do anything until told. Its hard for him to find a job as he has grown up with his ambition to join the army but due to medical issues he can't i think he is lost without any motivation due to this setback but this was about a year ago also he did change to do the territorials because i was scared of being alone with him in the regulars
amaysngrace Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 You have two choices. Either accept his faults which it sounds like you're doing by making excuse after excuse for the guy and stop complaining or ditch him and find a guy who will treat you with the same love and respect that you keep giving your BF that he isn't able to give back to you. You want him to change but you can't make him. The only person you have control over is yourself. So what's it gonna be?
white Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Trust me on this: men like this need a kick up the ass and there is only one way to do it. The punishment of women scorning him. Either through none wanting him or the one who does want him, leaving. That is the only thing that will convince him to get moving. When the hard truth of what the path he's on gets him is up in his face and there's no negotiation or luck or goodwill left to appeal to. This is a pragmatic case of if you love someone set them free. If you really want to see him succeed, and become an attentive man, all you can do is push him away to force him to learn it. Currently you're enabling his poor behaviour, you are not working in his best interest. Nor your own, obviously.
Author ZBamboo Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 okay thanks do you think maybe we could be together in the future if we stay friends?
amaysngrace Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 okay thanks do you think maybe we could be together in the future if we stay friends? Possibly if you still like the person that he grows into but personally I'd almost completely vanish from his life. Bet you'll start getting phone calls from him THEN!
NJtoDC Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 okay thanks do you think maybe we could be together in the future if we stay friends? If you cut bait on this BF (which I agree you definitely should, he's going no where and doesn't seem motivated toward you at all) you can date others. If you choose better next time, finding a responsible, good guy who will cherish you, you likely won't be worried about if you can get back together in the future. You'll see how much more you deserve than what you've settled for now. Also, sounds like perhaps your BF is depressed. He had a goal to be in the army, it fell through. He is unmotivated now, living in his parents house, and doesn't even want sex. Perhaps he should talk to someone, if he does feel depressed.
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