What to do if your Ex is in the same social circle???!

[Dorota]

I need to vent and need advice on what to do.

 

My ex broke up with me about 7 weeks ago. I immediately went NC. He im'ed me the day after we broke up, but I ignored it. I went NC for a little over a month, but some of our close friends convinced me to talk to him just to break the ice so it wouldn't be awkward for him or our friends when we did eventually see each other.

 

I called him, but he didn't answer. Instead he texted me a day later. Judging from the time it took him to respond and cold tone of his text, I figured he wasn't ready to talk. In the text he pretty much said that he was trying to give me space. So I let him be and didn't respond.

 

Fast forward a week and he shows up for a night out with our friends. Apparently, he told all our friends to tell me he was coming, but communication broke down some where and no one informed me. I just ignored him throughout the night and kept my distance.

 

Later on in the evening while I was at the bar talking to a friend, he comes up behind me does an awkward lean over into the middle of the conversation and quickly says, "hey I just wanted to say hi." Then he runs away. He was gone before I even processed what had happened.

 

Being drunk, I of course got upset. It's so childish!! He might as well have run up to me and pulled my hair. If he's trying to give me space, then why show up and do a drive-by hello. Additionally, I don't know why he has to communicate with me through our friends. I'm just trying to deal with all of this like an adult, but he's being so awkward.

 

We end up fighting at the bar, but decide that we're both too drunk to talk. He thinks that its a good idea for us to talk alone and get some closure. I don't really know what do. I feel like I'm getting whiplash - one minute he wants contact, the next he doesn't. Ideally, I'd like to continue NC, but know that is not possible since we do have the same group of friends.

 

Does anyone have any advice??

Edited September 4, 2013 by Dorota

[silly in love]

Well,I think you should avoid seeing him till all the dust settles.And later have a mature talk how to handle the situation.If you still have feelings for him I would advice dont show up in the places that he is present cuz it just opens up the wound.However,if you have to attend some occasions just be friendly smile say hi and nothing more.

[jack237]

I was in a similar situation about 3 years ago. My ex girlfriend and I not only worked together, but we shared pretty much all of the same friends. We had dated for almost 4 years, and our circle was tight. As a group of friends, we were always meeting up, going out - looking back, it was such a happy and fun time in my life.

 

Then, I broke up with her, I'll spare the details - on to your question.

 

The truth is our breakup in many ways shattered the "circle"- from all sides. We were a central part of that group of friends, and when we were no longer a couple, going out, meeting up, hang out - as a group- came to a hard close. I look at pictures I took during that time, it makes me a little sad because now, while I still have friends, they are all little "islands", fragments, not a big happy family where everyone has known each other for years.

 

For a while I would meet up with some of the group, and she did the same, but the truth was it wasnt the same, for all of us. Looking back, the loss of those friends, and the sense of community/family- was a greater loss than the girlfriend.

 

I'm still friends with many of them, but there are those who were more loyal to her (her friends to start)- so I lost those. She lost the friends (guys) who were loyal to me. In the end, all of us lost each other.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Your story reminds me of the drama we wen't through post-break-up. Same types of things happened. I'd show up, want to talk... drama.

 

I miss that time of my life. I miss those friends I no longer see. This makes me feel like I miss her - as I know she was the key to all that.

 

I've been dating a new girl for 2 years now. She's wonderful and I love her very much. But we lack the circle like I had with my ex. She works in a different field, her friends don't really interest me. I'm a little older now, so less free time, thus what free time I do have I use with her, or to catch up with one of my friends. A close knit circle like I had- rare, and I don't expect to find a life like that again.

 

Good luck to you.

[Never Again]

It will be difficult and uncomfortable for awhile.

 

My ex (dumped me out of the blue), in some small ways, resembles yours. She would approach or communicate at awkward times. It would upset me, but I tried not to show it for the sake of my friends and so that I didn't have to give up my social circle.

 

I'm 4 months post-BU. Do I still have feelings for her? Some, yes.

 

Can I control them? Kinda. It's a day by day thing. I can put myself in situations where she might pop up, but not all the time. I feel like I'm mostly healed, but I'm cautious to not allow the old wounds to reopen.

 

I helped myself by:

 

- I sent a hand-written letter to her accepting the breakup as the best decision for the time being, that friends wasn't currently on the table, but that I did care about her and wanted only the best for her (this is one of those silly tactics used in "get your ex-back schemes...but it actually does work for the healing process because it's like writing an obituary for your relationship. It helps you accept that it's dead.)

 

- If she did reach out, I tried to keep it light/friendly/BRIEF. Wouldn't give any real information about my life and never asked any questions, and any text I gave was aloof/noncommittal enough that the conversation could end at any time. If she asked how I was, the response would be "Been busy! Hope you've been well!".

 

- Avoided mutual friends until I could handle it. And if I did see mutual friends, I avoided the subject of her like the plague.

 

- Kept busy with projects I could do on my own...and turned my crazy into a good thing. I did all sorts of things I normally wouldn't, like sky-diving, hot air ballooning, rock-climbing....and I got a deep-tissue massage. Things that help the body really do help the mind.

 

- Followed the adage, "fake it til you make it". I faked being happy and comfortable around her until I was. Hell, we danced together at a mutual friend's wedding recently.

 

- Embraced my defense mechanism. We all have at least one. Mine is acting like a total clown. If I had a weird impulse that I thought would be funny, I acted on it. Made a lot of people laugh, including her. Knowing that I had that kind of power, to still affect HER mood, made me feel better...like I had some power too and didn't have to feel weird.