whoamianymore Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 My husband and I have been having problems with porn for years. He says I don't trust him and throws it in my face. I just think porn has affected our intimacy -- he doesn't so he won't stop looking at it. We started MC (one session) and he went to IC and I have IC this week. His IC gave him viagra because he has ED problems (with me) and his therapist said it is most likely emotional. Over the process of fighting he reiterated how much he wants a family with me and I think he was depressed about it. We agreed to start trying after a couple months of counseling and I in turn stopped by birth control. The MC said my H should try to not look at porn. He tells me he rarely looks at it anymore. My deal was to be more helpful around the house and to not snoop. Well yesterday I felt suspicious...I looked and he has watched porn at least once every week the past four weeks since our MC appointment. Also one of his V pills is missing. He has only had them about 1.5 weeks and we have not had sex in three. I don't want to think the worst. Before MC he was looking at craigslist casual encounters, which was is the bigger issue. So yes, my mind wandered here. When fighting before MC he would tell me my lack of trust would ruin our relationship. He says he would never cheat...what am I to think.
imfine Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Let's see . . . porn issues, missing Viagra & looking for something on Craigslist yet your "trust issues" are ruining your marriage. Have you heard of the term "gas lighting." I'd suggest you read up on it so you can minimize the crazy making he's throwing at you. 3
Mint Sauce Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 - the porn is most likely also a symptom, rather than a cause - watching porn once a week if you're not having sex is not much. Unless he's cheating, his libido is (very) low. - I'm afraid you're seeing the tip of an ice berg. Get back into MC with him, and be as confrontational as you need to be. It's either that or certain divorce. Sorry. 1
Author whoamianymore Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Imfine, yes I have heard of this and agree this is what is happening. I don't get it, when we have talked about divorce in the past he starts talking about hurting himself...so why do things to push me away and than tell me if I leave he will hurt himself.
freestyle Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Imfine, yes I have heard of this and agree this is what is happening. I don't get it, when we have talked about divorce in the past he starts talking about hurting himself...so why do things to push me away and than tell me if I leave he will hurt himself. Using threats of self-harm unless you conform to his expectations, is emotional blackmail. It's incredibly manipulative, and it's a form of passively controlling you. Not to mention selfish. I predict you will be in for a lifetime of drama, if you stay with him, even more so, if you have kids with him. I'd like to recommend you do some reading on emotional blackmail--it's often used as a deflection tactic, to detract from the real issues.Learning to recognize when it's being used against you, can be very empowering. 3
oldshirt Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I agree you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. You need to install a keylogger on the computers and see what is really going on her. Agree also that this is some serious manipulation and blackmail taking place here. This is not a secure and healthy marriage at all at this point. Do NOT get pregnant and bring kids into this. It will get a million times worse and not one bit better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sparty97 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I wouldn't read too much into the missing pill... if my doc gave me boner pills you better believe I would test drive it with or without a partner. As for the porn... once a week? that's not that much really.
Author whoamianymore Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Thank you all for your posts. I know some say once week isn't bad, but I said at leader once a week. My IC said he may be a sdx addict, I think that is extreme. But he is supposed to not watch porn as much, that is all I asked in MC. I think it impacts our intimacy. We have sex maybe once every 5 weeks. The Viagra is supposed to help us with our intimacy and sex life. I do get wanting to try it first to see how he reacts to it. The last two times we had sex he was fine with out supplements. Idk, but it seems like another hurtful thing in our fragile marriage that I am trying hard to save.
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Whatever you do, do not bring a child into this situation as it is. A baby will not save your marriage or help it..it'll make things worse and right now your husband has many issues that he needs face, admit and own and want to get help for it. He may be in some serious denial right now and sorry to say this, only a 2x4 will wake him up! He needs to suffer some consquences before he changes, hit rock bottom. How long have you been married? 2
CC12 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 The MC said my H should try to not look at porn. He tells me he rarely looks at it anymore. My deal was to be more helpful around the house and to not snoop. Well yesterday I felt suspicious...I looked and he has watched porn at least once every week the past four weeks since our MC appointment. Also one of his V pills is missing. He has only had them about 1.5 weeks and we have not had sex in three. Then you broke a promise made in counseling. You said you wouldn't snoop, and you did. You asked, "What is wrong with him" but you've got some issues, too, and I hope you're not ignoring that. Snooping in itself is a problem because it demonstrates that you don't trust him. You don't, right? Anyway, in marriage counseling, you asked that he not watch porn as much. He was still "allowed" to look at porn, though? Is once a week less than what he was doing before?
onlynameleft Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Imfine, yes I have heard of this and agree this is what is happening. I don't get it, when we have talked about divorce in the past he starts talking about hurting himself...so why do things to push me away and than tell me if I leave he will hurt himself. Because he has issues with intimacy probably. Many people crave and desire intimacy but at the same time they fear it and do things to sabotage their relationships. What/who was his core family unit when he was growing up? If I was in your shoes my biggest concern would be the craigslist browsing and missing V pills. 1
Sparty97 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I have a problem with your IC telling you your husband may be a sex addict. How on earth can they offer any kind of diagnosis without having met and talked with him?
Author whoamianymore Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 We got into a fight last night. His problem with me is that he says I leave messes around the house and says that is worse than his looking at porn. He told me he is working on the marriage and keeping his end of the deal, which is a lie. My snooping is not keeping my end of the deal, which BTW the therapist said wasn't a problem that I have every right to snoop because he has broken my trust and the marriage is not a secure place. I know snooping is wrong, but if my husband was looking at ways to cheat I owe it to my health and sanity to protect myself. So me leaving a towel on the floor and a plate on the counter and kicking my shoes off in the living room in his mind is worse than him looking at porn and telling me he will never change and to get over it because my lack of trust is driving him away. Yet he doesn't see that he created a lack of trust and discounts my feelings about it so he can continue to do it. Still doing it and lying about it.
Author whoamianymore Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Then you broke a promise made in counseling. You said you wouldn't snoop, and you did. You asked, "What is wrong with him" but you've got some issues, too, and I hope you're not ignoring that. Snooping in itself is a problem because it demonstrates that you don't trust him. You don't, right? Anyway, in marriage counseling, you asked that he not watch porn as much. He was still "allowed" to look at porn, though? Is once a week less than what he was doing before?yes it could be less, I said at least once a week. Even if it was less that doesn't explain the missing Viagra which he told me was to help our intimacy. Of course I have trust issues, he has more than once looked up casual encounters and ads for prostitutes.
MidwestUSA Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 yes it could be less, I said at least once a week. Even if it was less that doesn't explain the missing Viagra which he told me was to help our intimacy. Of course I have trust issues, he has more than once looked up casual encounters and ads for prostitutes. My ex did the same thing with Viagra. Sadly, I suspected that he was using it for himself, just to get it up to jerk off. Your marriage is toast (as was mine). It may simply take you some time to decide to do what you need to do FOR YOURSELF! His threats of self harm are manipulative, and in no way fair to you. You have mentioned depression; has he been on meds for it? (many of them have the side effect of ED)
Mint Sauce Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 why are you so obsessed with this minor detail, the porn? The main issue is that he's not sleeping with you. So he claims he's not watching porn (or cheating), but still you're not having sex routinely? Ask him why he doesn't want to f*ck you. Where did his libido go? If you do it aggressively enough, he may just blurt out the real reason...e.g. "I don't want to f*ck YOU". Then you have something to go from.
jimmytwowheels Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Porn can definitely be bad for your libido. In my personal experience getting addicted to porn can be bad for your desire for your partner. You begin to expect more by creating a non realistic image in your head, and you participate in self gratification which, when in a relationship, is 'selfish sex.' I saw that porn was bothering my gf, although I didn't use it much. There were a few times that I watched it while she was on a long shift, masturbated and didn't feel like having sex that night. As a result I went through my laptop and deleted all of my porn. Now the temptation isn't there. Porn and masturbation are EASIER then sex with a partner; less effort and gratification is more or less guaranteed. Porn is also addictive, and in my eyes has no place in my relationship. 1
janedoe67 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 If using porn is hurtful to your spouse then it is NOT a minor issue...that is, if you actually care about whether you hurt your spouse. Sounds to me like you have every reason to snoop. And as for the idea that clutter is "worse" than doing something you KNOW hurts your wife, hiding it from her, and not giving her intimacy? That is ridiculous. 1
freestyle Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 If using porn is hurtful to your spouse then it is NOT a minor issue...that is, if you actually care about whether you hurt your spouse. Sounds to me like you have every reason to snoop. And as for the idea that clutter is "worse" than doing something you KNOW hurts your wife, hiding it from her, and not giving her intimacy? That is ridiculous. Ridiculous, and then some........ Absurd even. "You left your coat hanging over the chair, so now I'm entitled to troll other women on Craigslist." fercryinoutloud. That's nothing more than a deflection tactic, turning the tables to put YOU in the hot seat, OP. I hate to see what will happen if you have the audacity to burn dinner....
CC12 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 (edited) My snooping is not keeping my end of the deal, which BTW the therapist said wasn't a problem that I have every right to snoop because he has broken my trust and the marriage is not a secure place. I know snooping is wrong, but if my husband was looking at ways to cheat I owe it to my health and sanity to protect myself. Then why agree to stop snooping? The therapist said it wasn't a problem. You feel entitled to snoop. So just do it and be honest about it. Don't use it as a bargaining chip when you're negotiating deals with your husband if you're not going to be serious about it. The deal you made was that you would both stop doing these things. You didn't hold up your end of the deal, so you can't be so righteously offended that he didn't hold his end of the deal up, either. It's a wash. Start over. yes it could be less, I said at least once a week. Even if it was less that doesn't explain the missing Viagra which he told me was to help our intimacy. Of course I have trust issues, he has more than once looked up casual encounters and ads for prostitutes. Are you working toward trusting him again? If so, you're going to have to let lots of things go, even though you don't want to. Like him looking at casual encounters and hooker ads in the past. He did it, it sucks, but trust that he won't do it again. Easier said than done, I know. The missing Viagra. Like someone else said, it's entirely plausible that he just took his boner pills out for a solo test drive. It seems like that's not even a possibility in your mind, or like it wouldn't matter anyway. Why? If he did just try it out to see what it would do, and then had one or a few J/O sessions, would you have a problem with that? Honest question, seriously. I'm kind of getting the sense that one of your big problems is with him masturbating, and like if he has an orgasm, ever, it has to be with you? Please correct me if I'm wrong. I know it may appear that I've defended him a lot and pointed out more things that you might be doing wrong, but my replies would have been a lot different if the question was "Should I leave him?" You seem to still be trying to work on it. And when someone posts about the problems in their marriage and doesn't take an ounce of accountability for their part in any of it, it makes me write really long, annoying posts like this one. Hope that helps! Edited September 6, 2013 by CC12
Sparty97 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 "you participate in self gratification which, when in a relationship, is 'selfish sex.'" Masturbation is a healthy activity whether or not you are in a relationship. If my wife likes to workout, but sometimes I do it without her is that entirely selfish? No more selfish than her insisting I only work out with her.
freestyle Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 "you participate in self gratification which, when in a relationship, is 'selfish sex.'" Masturbation is a healthy activity whether or not you are in a relationship. If my wife likes to workout, but sometimes I do it without her is that entirely selfish? No more selfish than her insisting I only work out with her. If it's used to replace intimacy with one's spouse, however, that's when it becomes selfish, and detrimental to the marriage, regardless of gender. The operative word is "sometimes".
Sparty97 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 If it's used to replace intimacy with one's spouse, however, that's when it becomes selfish, and detrimental to the marriage, regardless of gender. The operative word is "sometimes". A word not included in the post I was responding to. In my case masturbation is my only real outlet sexually, the marriage is already damaged me watching some porn and having a tug isn't the problem.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 We got into a fight last night. His problem with me is that he says I leave messes around the house and says that is worse than his looking at porn. He told me he is working on the marriage and keeping his end of the deal, which is a lie. My snooping is not keeping my end of the deal, which BTW the therapist said wasn't a problem that I have every right to snoop because he has broken my trust and the marriage is not a secure place. I know snooping is wrong, but if my husband was looking at ways to cheat I owe it to my health and sanity to protect myself. So me leaving a towel on the floor and a plate on the counter and kicking my shoes off in the living room in his mind is worse than him looking at porn and telling me he will never change and to get over it because my lack of trust is driving him away. Yet he doesn't see that he created a lack of trust and discounts my feelings about it so he can continue to do it. Still doing it and lying about it. This is blame shifting. Hey continues to lie and point at you for snooping to catch him, or because you are less tidy? Um riiiiiiight. Tip.of.iceberg.
serial muse Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 OP, you said that you haven't had sex in 3 weeks. How does that come about? Do neither of you initiate? Do you initiate and he rejects? Just trying to get a feel for the landscape of the problem.
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