Lansing Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Her saying that she felt "uncomfortable" with you paying could meet she didn't want it to be a "Date"... Really hard to say.... I always have difficulty in those situations where it isn't clear if you are "Dating" or if you are just "hanging out"... and when you like someone's company it is hard to take the risk of changing the dynamics of things because you become afraid of losing them. 1
Author 365daysgone Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 I'm just going to ask get to get together on the weekend since she brought the weekend up when we hung out on Tuesday anyways. I will try to give romantic vibes. But again...friends would be enough for me with this girl. That's all I was ever looking for anyways!
Shepp Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 you need to make up your mind, friends or more? Cant sit on the fence! If you wait she'll think your not intrested - im not saying jump the girl but you definetly need to start dropping signs if you want more than friends - give her one or two compliments - don't over do it, make a lot of eye contact, just start to flirt with her man! good luck mate, it all sounds very good!
Author 365daysgone Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 It's possible that I am just overanalyzing it but the texting has kind of gone cold since we hung out on Tuesday. I thought the night ended decent. Not too sure what to make of it.
heartshaped Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Maybe because she's interested in you and thinks you're not interested in her ? I would call her up and invite her on a date. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
clia Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 Because texting sucks. Ask her out so you can stop dwelling on it. I don't understand why you are putting so much stock into her wearing high heels to walk around town. I've got on 3 inch heels today that I'm walking all over town in, and plan to walk in all over town in tonight as well. I frequently wear high heels. Women like shoes. Her footwear choice has no bearing on whether she considered it a date. 1
Author 365daysgone Posted September 13, 2013 Author Posted September 13, 2013 I'm tempted to ask her out on a date but don't want to ruin a friendship. She hasn't texted me back in like 5 hours.
Drewx2 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I'm tempted to ask her out on a date but don't want to ruin a friendship. She hasn't texted me back in like 5 hours. Just do it, The friend-zone is painful and It's obviously not going to work for you. (even though you might believe it right now) CALL HER RIGHT NOW. ask her if you can take her on a "real" date. Find a nice restaurant and take her to a movie. Maybe she doesn't like you that way. Who cares? If you do nothing you'll regret it forever. Trust me not doing something and wondering what could have been is way worse than pursuing and being rejected. Keep giving us updates, I'm rooting for you man. I know how it feels! 1
Drewx2 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 I'm tempted to ask her out on a date but don't want to ruin a friendship. She hasn't texted me back in like 5 hours. And you don't have all day...women begin to get cold when they feel rejected. Maybe she's busy or stressed or something entirely different. But why take the chance?
Skyraider829 Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 It's possible that I am just overanalyzing it but the texting has kind of gone cold since we hung out on Tuesday. I thought the night ended decent. Not too sure what to make of it. I conjecture that the possibility of you over-analyzing it is very high. Its easy to end up replaying that wonderful night out over and over again in your mind I'm sure, and that's fine and dandy. But, don't go over little details and start to nit-pick at things and analyze. It was casual, it was sort of spontaneous and it turned out very well - leave it at that for now.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 14, 2013 Author Posted September 14, 2013 I conjecture that the possibility of you over-analyzing it is very high. Its easy to end up replaying that wonderful night out over and over again in your mind I'm sure, and that's fine and dandy. But, don't go over little details and start to nit-pick at things and analyze. It was casual, it was sort of spontaneous and it turned out very well - leave it at that for now. I'dlike your opinion on what to do Skyraider. I'd like to say to Drew - Im not killing myself with the idea of dating her at all. Not like in my thread about my swimming instructor (go give that a read). I just love the idea of having a girls number and can call and go hang out with on occasion. Especially a girl that knows my personal struggles. To have her call me if she needs someone to talk to and vice versa. But at the same time - I find it easier to find girls with personalities worthy of friendships. Its not as easy to find girls with personalities that are worth dating. So again - I'm not dying to date her and am probably leaning more towards keeping her as a friend but man...she is definitely relationship material. I just wish I had some magic ball that could tell me if she would accept the idea of exploring a relationship with me. I really don't want to burn this friendship.
Skyraider829 Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 (edited) I just love the idea of having a girls number and can call and go hang out with on occasion. Especially a girl that knows my personal struggles. I'm sure it gives you warm, fuzzy feelings knowing you have a female friend who has common ground with you to call up and hang with. It looks like you lucked out with this dame. Don't rule out the potentiality of a relationship. But don't let your mind go wild with the possibilities before something concrete turns up. When that happens, you begin to daydream about her, doing wonderful things with her like walking through parks on glorious Saturday afternoons, sitting in the coffee shops chatting on rainy days, having long stares into each other's eye and what not - and this only makes you silently crave her progressively more and more even though, sans the imaginary landscape - nothing like that has quite happened. That stark contrast can make you do things that could possibly either cause a relationship to unfold, or it could fizzle it before it may ever even begin. Building a strong friendship is a great way to maybe (and I do put an intentional emphasis on "maybe") fire up something special with this girl. You two can connect very well it seems on a platonic basis since you have similar problems you are confronting. So you already have some emotional familiarity. She can help you, and you can help her - that is a solid basis to start off on as it gains trust from the get-go. I would like to think that in the future (don't set time frames) you and her can have a relationship as it would do you (and I'm sure her) very well. You both are having a sort of challenging time and bam, you two meet up one day. Coincidences are bound to occur and this one was a lucky catch. It seems like she does value you, I don't know how she does, but if you value her as she does you, I say it can only progress positively whether it evolves romantically or platonically. But for now, just live in the moment and take it easy. Go with the flow. Edited September 16, 2013 by Skyraider829
Author 365daysgone Posted September 16, 2013 Author Posted September 16, 2013 Ever since we last hung out and went to dinner, the conversation has kind of gone cold. It's possible it's because she went back to school the next day but I don't know. I asked her to hang out on the weekend when she had finally texted me back on Friday, and she said "I'll let you know. If not Saturday then maybe Sunday." Haven't heard from her since.
Babolat Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 One thing I think you need to be careful of. You are both sharing very personal stuff, and that alone can cause you to feel very close/attracted to someone. You both suffer from anxeity at some level, no judgement there as I do too. Just be careful that this does not become the focus of your "relationship" and the attraction, the draw you two have, or you have towards her. Hopefully ths makes sense. it's kind of like great sex after an argument...
Skyraider829 Posted September 16, 2013 Posted September 16, 2013 Ever since we last hung out and went to dinner, the conversation has kind of gone cold. It's possible it's because she went back to school the next day but I don't know. I asked her to hang out on the weekend when she had finally texted me back on Friday, and she said "I'll let you know. If not Saturday then maybe Sunday." Haven't heard from her since. Ah, don't let yourself get all down and dumpy about it. If she's in college its no wonder that she's studying away most likely.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 Ok so she never got back to me about hanging out on the weekend before last, so this past Saturday I texted her saying "hi" and got no responce so on Monday I texted her saying "hey I haven't heard from you. Hope everything is ok?" And still nothing. She completely cut me out. Why?! Keep in mind that I met her by her responding to my ad social anxiety. Personally I don't think I should have asked to hang out again so soon. I think it might have put her off. I no longer believe the Applebee's thing was a date and I think she wanted to stay in OCCASIONAL contact with me. I may have pushed to see her too quickly but to just ignore my texts? Not as nice of a girl as she made herself seem. I drive her 40 minutes home the second time I see her. I buy her dinner the next time. And her gratitude is shown by ignoring me? People need to learn to see the generosity is others actions. I would never let someone go if they did that stuff for me. I am learning to stop being so generous to people. They just don't see it the way I do. I guess it's different for people that already have a social circle though...they don't see the generosity in the new people they meet the way I do.
Skyraider829 Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 Ok so she never got back to me about hanging out on the weekend before last, so this past Saturday I texted her saying "hi" and got no responce so on Monday I texted her saying "hey I haven't heard from you. Hope everything is ok?" And still nothing. She completely cut me out. Why?! There is nothing to sugarcoat there - that was rude. I find that disappointing. She seemed, as you described it, to be a rather mature individual but I guess not. Here you are, only being polite and she clearly ignores you and doesn't think anything of your text. Asanine. I'm not really ousting the possibility of some technical error with her phone, but I don't think some technical or network error would last over a day or more. You would think that seeing she has a similar emotional-social difficulty like you do, that she would be more inclined to spend time with you and strive for more contact and frequent outings. But I suppose not with this new information. Personally I don't think I should have asked to hang out again so soon. I think it might have put her off. I no longer believe the Applebee's thing was a date and I think she wanted to stay in OCCASIONAL contact with me. I may have pushed to see her too quickly but to just ignore my texts? That wasn't wrong of you to ask her out again, regardless of time frame. She at least could have given you a time or date when she may be available but like you stated, to completely remain ignorant of your text messages is impolite. Even if you did push to see her again, she could have been upfront and honest and said something about it. But, knowing she has some sort of social anxiety, this could have impeded her to do so. I don't know, maybe due to her insecurity she doesn't feel confident in knowing how to reply to your texts... Has she replied right away to your text before with no delay or problems? And when you were with her on those nights, did she seem in any way, reluctant or uncertain? Or was she open, talkative and personable? I drive her 40 minutes home the second time I see her. I buy her dinner the next time. And her gratitude is shown by ignoring me? People need to learn to see the generosity is others actions. I would never let someone go if they did that stuff for me. You certainly went out of your way to do such kind things for her and yes, she should show some gratitude for what you did. Even if she does have a tight social circle, she should at least have the general courtesy to send a text thanking you for the outings you had, and at least posses the courtesy to reply to a couple of simple, civil texts asking how she is. Maybe you should give it a few days, and then call her.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 She's always replied the same day when I've texted her. When we were together last and went for dinner she said "when you come to visit again we should plan something." When she said goodnight tht night se said "we'll hang out again." I thought we got along great. Again, she doesn't have social anxiety. She says "general anxiety" but I still cannot tell what those anxiety issues are. She seems fine. I'm surprised you think I should call her. I thought you would suggest just cutting ties with her which is what I will probably do. I have learned that as soon as I see someone who will be a potential problem to my emotional state, I need to cut them out immediately. I think we are at this point now because she ignores me for no reason. I don't need someone like this. If I knew to do this now, I wouldn't have let this thing with this other girl from OLD go this far. People that do this stuff, I can't give any time to. It's not worth it.
Skyraider829 Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 She's always replied the same day when I've texted her. When we were together last and went for dinner she said "when you come to visit again we should plan something." When she said goodnight tht night se said "we'll hang out again." I thought we got along great. Again, she doesn't have social anxiety. She says "general anxiety" but I still cannot tell what those anxiety issues are. She seems fine Huh. Maybe she doesn't know what her own problem is. Can't really say for certain. I'm surprised you think I should call her. I thought you would suggest just cutting ties with her which is what I will probably do. I have learned that as soon as I see someone who will be a potential problem to my emotional state, I need to cut them out immediately. I'm not you. I don't think exactly like you, and I don't perceive the situation in the exact same manner as you do. I can only speculate. Cutting ties could be the best option in this case. If it were me, I would leave my options open until she has made it blatantly obvious she wants no contact. Yet I would also not actively pursue her. Sometimes I find that letting some time pass can work things out. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. If she is perturbing your emotional state in a bad way, then yes, drop it. Don't frustrate yourself over something that isn't worth it. It really isn't worth frustrating yourself over anything really.
clia Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 Ok so she never got back to me about hanging out on the weekend before last, so this past Saturday I texted her saying "hi" and got no responce For future reference, texting someone "hi" is really lame. so on Monday I texted her saying "hey I haven't heard from you. Hope everything is ok?" And still nothing. She completely cut me out. I wouldn't necessarily jump to this conclusion yet, but I agree with you that she may want to only keep in touch with you occasionally, as opposed to talking frequently or becoming close friends or dating. I may have pushed to see her too quickly but to just ignore my texts? Not as nice of a girl as she made herself seem. Maybe she's busy. Or maybe she lost interest in you. Or maybe she met someone else. I drive her 40 minutes home the second time I see her. From your original thread above: She had mentioned wanting to hang out and so have I but she seemed really concerned with the distance despite me saying its not a problem. Don't blame your driving 40 minutes on her. She didn't ask you to do that. I buy her dinner the next time. Again, from you, above: We had dinner, she asked for two seperaye bills and when the waitress brought them over, I snatched them up and paid both. Don't put your buying dinner on her. She clearly did not expect you to pay for her meal. And her gratitude is shown by ignoring me? People need to learn to see the generosity is others actions. In my opinion, maybe she liked you, maybe she didn't, but she may have on second thought felt uncomfortable with you buying her meal at Applebee's, and decided that she isn't interested and simply doesn't want to deal with the awkwardness. I know you don't have much dating experience, but this happens fairly often. People poof. Also, she may have responded to your ad with the intention of joining an anxiety group, not to find a boyfriend, and your actions may have ultimately made her feel uncomfortable. Or, she might have met some other guy. I would never let someone go if they did that stuff for me. I am learning to stop being so generous to people. They just don't see it the way I do. I guess it's different for people that already have a social circle though...they don't see the generosity in the new people they meet the way I do. Seriously, driving for 40 minutes and buying her a chicken sandwich at Applebee's are not exactly pinnacle examples of generosity. If you did those things only because you expected some behavior out of her, that is the wrong reason to do it. She doesn't owe you anything, especially since you are the one who initiated both of those things. I mean, honestly, you are a stranger to her. You really should readjust your perspective on this. 1
Author 365daysgone Posted September 26, 2013 Author Posted September 26, 2013 That's fine. Just for me personally, I would be able to see these acts as very kind gestures from a person that I would want to keep as a friend. I try to surround myself with people that do these kind things...unfortunately they are very hard o find. And I did not do these things expecting any behaviour from her...well actually, the behaviour I expected is to not be cut out completely. To be honest I had lost interest in her by the dinner. I didn't feel those butterflies like the first time I had met her so I just wanted a friendship with her. Apparently I couldn't even keep that alive.
Lansing Posted October 3, 2013 Posted October 3, 2013 Curious if you ever heard from this girl again? (I am not saying you should contact her if you haven't).
Author 365daysgone Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 UPDATE: Out of nowhere last night I get a text from a number saying "Hi. how are you?". I look at the number again because it looked familiar...the last 4 digits were the same as hers. I ask "Who is this?". An hour later she says it's her and was wondering what I was doing tonight (This happened last night). I said "Seriously? Where did you disappear to? I tried contacting you." She tells me she got a new number but wants to know if I want to take a trip to Toronto with her or just hang out. I ask her if can be honest and then I lay it all out for her. I tell her she disappeared on me and I've had two other people in the past month do the same thing to me and she hurt me. I didn't know if she was dead or if I had done something wrong, etc. Her responce offers no apology or explanation at all. She says "I get it...but you can't take other people's behaviours personally. Sometimes it's not all about you and I don't mean that in an offensive way it just...is what it is" I tell her it was worried something could hav happened to her, etc and she responds with "Come on. Let's hang out. Seriously." I tell her I am busy - I legitimately was. She says "ok it's good you've got something going on." I tell her I have to go but will text her later. Later on at 9pm I'm thinking about it and start thinking she is using me for a drive to Toronto. She doesn't have a car, it's a 30 minute drive for her (an hour and a half for me), she doesn't work, I don't even know how she pays rent or buys groceries. Her parents are paying for her schooling. So I text her and say "hey" she says "what's up? Where are you now?", I tell her that I am at home and ask what she's up to. Then I'm thinking about the crap I've went through with 3 girls this month...I believe their lies and deception and I take the abuse over and over again so I told myself I have to be strong and cut her loose! I text her a long couple of texts and tell her on not being played by someone again. I'm not falling for that bull**** anymore. She responds by saying "you're so hard on yourself. I know you get lonely...I do too", I text her asking for explanations and she just texts back the weirdest responces. "I know what you go through and it is not fair. It is unjust." "I see myself projected in you...a fear of myself" ... Just the most bizarre stuff. I asked why she chose tonight to contact me and she said she wanted to go to a bar in. Toronto and she thought it would be fun for me. She ends by saying she has to go to bed and we will talk soon. After re reading the texts back, what she was doing was contacting me to try and offer some sort of psychological support to me. Telling me what I deal with and that we have the same fears. It's so bizarre though. It didn't even sound like the girl I met. Any opinions are gladly welcome and appreciated!
Lansing Posted October 24, 2013 Posted October 24, 2013 Umm... I kind of agree with her to an extent. I think you are taking it "too seriously"... She made an effort to get in touch again, maybe she went through something where she just didn't want to be around people. I have had friends just disappear over time and not here from them. I have had friends ignore e-mails. I have had friends not return text messages. At some point I just give up and I don't bother contacting them again. I tend to always respond to people's contact to me and I always wonder "Wtf" when it happens but I try not to let it effect me and realize that they probably have other issues going on and it isn't a judgement of me or what they feel about our friendship. She probably got the sense that you were a bit too into her and she pulled back a bit. It sounded like she was up to just hang out and not go into the city You could have said to her "sorry, I can't really afford the gas money" or whatever if you felt like she was trying to take advantage of you. I know it is frustrating when someone just stops responding but I don't see a need to constantly confront people either. There is one thing to stand up for yourself but it is another to always question people's motives/etc. That can also turn people off from you (even at a friendship level).
Author 365daysgone Posted October 24, 2013 Author Posted October 24, 2013 I hear you but you have to understand that I've been played so many times in my life - she knows this - so I seriously have a hard time believing people. I mean I'm also at a point where I just want people to be honest with me. I can't stand this game of 'I didn't like this thing this person did so rather than bringing it up and being honest, I will just ignore'. I understand people try to avoid awkward situations and that's fine but I asked her last night what happened and she gave no explanation. I can't surround myself with people like this anymore. She hurt me by disappearing ... She couldn't even be mature enough to apologize sincerely for that. Is that really too much to ask? For an apology for hurting me? I mean she knows my history with people, depression, and anxiety. I just figured that would help us to understand that disappearing is not a kind thing to do, you know? And then how does it help to resurface in my life and just expect I am going to jump at the opportunity to hang out with her as if no time has passed? Am I really in the wrong here? I didn't act impulsively last night. I thought long and hard about it and also sent all the texts to a friend of mine who is 37 years old that also has social anxiety. She has been played by guys dozens of times and when she read the conversation, she thought the exact same thing as me. She thought she was using me for a ride. Then after I sent the other texts and that second conversation ensued, my friend thought she was nuts. She was texting like She was counselling me. Like I said...I gave it a lot of consideration. All I ask is for an explanation as to why she disappeared and she couldn't really give me one. To me that is unacceptable. A friendship should have two things - honesty and open communication!
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