365daysgone Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I started a local social anxiety group about 3 weeks ago and was supposed to meet up with some people. The one girl that responded to my ad that was around my age could not make it. This was a few weeks ago and i finally met her last night. It's so funny how it happened though because I was feeling really frustrated over that other girl from OLD (see my other thread) and then this new girl sends me a text message asking to meet up last night. We went to a social anxiety group and afterwards I asked her to a coffee. Even at the social anxiety group, I was getting butterflies just listening to her talk. And then at the coffee we shared very personal stories with one another. I cannot believe how beautiful this girl is. Even to just be friends with her would be amazing. At a time when I was getting really frustrated over thinking there are no kind people in this world, this girl comes along. She seems so unbeleivably compassionate and gorgeous. I can't even believe it. The downside is that she is about an hour from me. But I now have a friend. I need to see her again and talk to her more! 4
white Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 OK? So you have two options; either work within the framework you've established, your group, dealing with anxiety, whatever, try to build an association with her slowly. Or else take her forwardness contacting you, willingness to go for coffee and good experience while doing so as a positive sign and directly ask her out. You know best which is appropriate. I'd suggest though the latter route so you don't waste time and emotion pining over a non starter, which you seem prone to do - not an attack, I have the same vulnerability so I know how to head it off early. If you do, make sure you frame it as going out, as a date, not as an extension of your anxiety group. 3
Dallers Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Play it cool and just go with the flow. You both have something major in common as well. One hour away from you is nothing! I walk for one hour just to get to work if she is that beautiful then you should be willing to trek for 2. Try to keep the butterflies under control as they can make you go to pieces but DO NOT ignore that feeling i have not had it for 10 years and would do anything to get it back, to me that feeling is your subconscious telling you that she is the one. 2
Lansing Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Try not to build her up in your head/put her on a pedestal. Remember that you do not know her yet. She isn't the "perfect" girl.. she will have flaws, etc. 5
HEY2147 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Proud of your dude you put yourself out there and you met someone ┈┈┈┈┈┈▕▔╲ ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈▏▕ ┈┈┈┈┈┈┈▏▕▂▂▂ ▂▂▂▂▂▂╱┈▕▂▂▂▏ ▉▉▉▉▉┈┈┈▕▂▂▂▏ ▉▉▉▉▉┈┈┈▕▂▂▂▏ ▔▔▔▔▔▔╲▂▕▂▂▂I 1
Author 365daysgone Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Thanks. I met up with her again last night and hung out. Then I drove her home. Shes so nice. It's amazing how much we have in common too. I don't mind being friends with her. But I really want to tell her she is beautiful. Just don't want to scare her away, you know? Cause I really feel like this could be an amazing friendship. 3
happywithlife Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) I would suggest holding off on telling her how beautiful she is a bit longer. Hang out w/ her a bit more but increase the date-like atmosphere. Ask her to dinner and a walk, etc. Be a bit flirty by placing your hand on her back as you walk by, brushing her hand w/ yours when talking, opening doors, ect. See how she responds w/ those hints that you like her. Then move onto a kiss on the lips. If she is receptive to that, then you can tell her how beautiful she is. Jump the gun and you'll likely scare her off. And the hour drive should be no problem. My boyfriend is almost an hour away. We both have kids and are both back in school, but still make time to see eachother and talk. If you care about each other, you make it work despite the obstacles. Edited September 5, 2013 by happywithlife 5
Lansing Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 If she is pretty sure probably gets all kinds of people telling her she is attractive/etc. I would not compliment her on her looks... Maybe down the road you can compliment her on her attributes/kindness/etc in a round about way but for not you are probably just better off holding your cards tight to your chest, so to speak! 1
Author 365daysgone Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 If she is pretty sure probably gets all kinds of people telling her she is attractive/etc. I would not compliment her on her looks... Maybe down the road you can compliment her on her attributes/kindness/etc in a round about way but for not you are probably just better off holding your cards tight to your chest, so to speak! And do you like the other persons suggestion of inviting her to more date-like situations??
Author 365daysgone Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Sucks. She's going back to school next week. Last minute decision. I fear if we don't hang out more soon, another guy is gonna get her. I have terrible luck. As soon as I meet a girl, she goes back to school. Now she gonna be busy all the time, make tons of new friends and ill never see her. Ugh.
Lansing Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 You have to get over the fear of "losing" her. Don't be so dependent on the outcome and that she is your last chance of happiness. Don't worry about the timeline so much and that she will get swept up by someone else. That neediness will come across in your interactions with her. Have the mentality that there are plenty of women around and available and not that this is the only perfect snowflake. 1
Author 365daysgone Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 UPDATE: I was waitin until Tuesday to ask her to hang out. We had last seen each other on Wednesday last week. Noone sent texts since then. On Sunday, i said screw it and texted her. We have been texting all day Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. She had mentioned wanting to hang out and so have I but she seemed really concerned with the distance despite me saying its not a problem. Anyways, we were talking about personal troubles in our lives again tonight through texts and she told me I should come over if I want. So I drove to her house and here is where it gets interesting. As we're about to leave she's looking at her shoes and says "actually I'm going to get another pair." She went and got some high heels. I thought nothin of this at the time and honestly didn't even know she put high heels on. So we got in my car an were just gonna drive around exploring the new city she just moved too. Then later she says "are you hungry?" And suggests grabbing something to eat. I am looking at restaurants nearby on my GPS, and she chooses Applebee's (a fairly expensive restaurant). So...did she just turn this into a date?! We had dinner, she asked for two seperaye bills and when the waitress brought them over, I snatched them up and paid both. Then I drove her home. My only regret is not walking her to her door so that I could finally give her a hug. She has just texted me saying thanks for dinner and we'll talk tomorrow. Now...100% she turned this into a date intentionally right? How the hell I am lucky enough to get this girl is beyond me! The best part about it is that she knows about my social anxiety. It's amazing.
rbrock2323 Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 Good for you, it sounds like she turned it into a date and you did the right thing to pay for her bill. Just be yourself since you apparently found someone who likes you for you. You're "lucky" because you most likely deserve it for being a good person.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 Do you guys think it's ok at this point to show romantic interest towards her? Does it seem safe??
white Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 It's always safe to show interest, if you aren't weird about it and if you aren't dealing with a harpy. What's wrong with someone knowing you like them? Tell me that. Obviously you risk rejection, but there's no way round that. You may as well wish you could get a tattoo without the pain or drunk without the hangover or abroad without flying. I wouldn't say she "turned it into a date". You don't need to categorise anything. You had a nice evening and enjoyed each others company, which is all you can do. Functionally there's no difference in the event whether it's friends hanging out or a "date". The way this has started is a bit awkward, precisely because it's led to this issue - serves you right for macking on girls via social anxiety groups. You don't know what's up. At least I would say that I don't blame you for thinking she likes you or acting on that. I'm sure you'll navigate it, regardless of the outcome.
clia Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 I disagree that she "turned it into a date." If you are interested in dating her, quit messing around and just ask her out on a date. There is no reason for all this confusion. Then later she says "are you hungry?" And suggests grabbing something to eat. I am looking at restaurants nearby on my GPS, and she chooses Applebee's (a fairly expensive restaurant). So...did she just turn this into a date?! Applebee's is not an expensive restaurant. It is a very standard, normal ranged place to go when you want a sit down meal as opposed to fast food. What type of restaurant were you looking for? Fast food? We had dinner, she asked for two seperaye bills This indicates to me that she did not think it was a date.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 I am not macking on anyone! I ha zero intention of using this group to meet girls, trust me! But we are the same age and have similar struggles. She has offered to hang out out of the blue before last night too. Thee must be some interest on her end in some way - friendship or otherwise. I just don't want to ruin a friendship by telling her I have romantic feelings for her. How do I proceed?!
PogoStick Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 She didn't turn it into a date but she is showing interest with frequent communication and feeling comfortable enough to hang out with you. You proceed by continuing to spend time together. Pay attention to what signs she is giving. How does she look at you, smiling, how much attention? When walking from the car, how does she react if you grab her hand? Play with her hands at dinner, inspect them, notice the polish color, compare sizes...does she play along? If she's being open then it's up to you to escalate and give her a kiss.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 11, 2013 Author Posted September 11, 2013 I don't get how none of you think that she turned it into a date. Why would she put high heels on to go walking around town?
Skyraider829 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 That is utterly fantastic to hear! I'm happy to know that you've come across someone who is in the same social boat with you. You should strive for a friendship with her for sure.
Skyraider829 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I don't get how none of you think that she turned it into a date. Why would she put high heels on to go walking around town? Subjective interpretation - everyone is different. Social norms are abound, but everyone reads a situation a little differently than someone else. I find myself leaning to your side a little bit, if this were just a little excursion to a fast food joint, I doubt high heels would be in order. That doesn't sit with me - the logic seems off-kilter. Applebees is no high-end dive for sure, but its still a nicer place that's commonly frequented. She could have thought of it as a light date (if there is such a thing), perhaps its a "trial" per se before an official date. I can only point to one other thing, and that is her social standards. Some people believe in dressing up fairly nicely even for a casual dine at a regular restaurant. Does she seem like the type to do this? And in regards to the two bills, well, since she has the same social problem that you do, she may just not feel comfortable at all with asking for one bill since she might believe that each person pays for themselves so as not to come off as needy, or going a little too far a little too early on. Or, she could just be very polite and see that as the proper way to do things. You and her probably have reflective qualities in each other that you can see, so her characteristics could mirror yours in a lot of ways in the social scene.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 Subjective interpretation - everyone is different. Social norms are abound, but everyone reads a situation a little differently than someone else. I find myself leaning to your side a little bit, if this were just a little excursion to a fast food joint, I doubt high heels would be in order. That doesn't sit with me - the logic seems off-kilter. Applebees is no high-end dive for sure, but its still a nicer place that's commonly frequented. She could have thought of it as a light date (if there is such a thing), perhaps its a "trial" per se before an official date. I can only point to one other thing, and that is her social standards. Some people believe in dressing up fairly nicely even for a casual dine at a regular restaurant. Does she seem like the type to do this? And in regards to the two bills, well, since she has the same social problem that you do, she may just not feel comfortable at all with asking for one bill since she might believe that each person pays for themselves so as not to come off as needy, or going a little too far a little too early on. Or, she could just be very polite and see that as the proper way to do things. You and her probably have reflective qualities in each other that you can see, so her characteristics could mirror yours in a lot of ways in the social scene. You're completely right about the two bills thing. She is extremely polite and when I grabbed both bills she actually said "Im really uncomfortable getting you to pay for me". Then she said "we'll...Ill buy next time". As for being the type to dress up...it's hard to say. All I can say is why where high heels when we are intending to talk around town? Seems odd. I should also state that she does not have SOCIAL anxiety, but according to her she has just general anxiety. She actually seems very outgoing which actually makes me feel the way I do with other people - kind of out of place emotionless. Which makes me think I don't have a chance with her. But she did seem to want to hang out on the weekend. I just don't want to ask her to hang out again. I feel like it might come off as pushy.
scorpiogirl Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 If you keep asking her to "hang out" it might never go anywhere. Try asking her on a date rather than deducing what it is by her footwear. I never wear heels. Does this mean I've never been on a date? If you ask her to go on a date, you will know where you stand at least.
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