We only went out for over a month - so why can't I stop thinking about him?!

[Bompas]

Hi all. My problem is pretty obvious from the title but ill go into a bit more detail anyway. I met a guy over an online dating website and we agreed to meet up. I didn’t find him instantly attractive or anything like that but we soon found we had a lot in common, we worked in the same line of work, we enjoyed the same kind of music and had been to the same gigs and we even happened to live only two minutes walk away from each other (coming from London this is ridiculously rare!) so we had a great chat, nothing happened but it was a lot of fun.

 

We continued to text the next few days and I ended up going to his house to watch a bit of tv and again we clicked really well, although it was a little awkward, especially since as I left we just kind of said our goodbyes and didn’t go for a kiss, which left me a little confused – did he just see me as a friend? However the next time we met he ended up staying over at mine and we slept together, a little forward I admit but there didn’t seem any hesitation on his part, I wasn’t pushing it, it just kind of happened and the next morning wasn’t awkward (at least as far as I could see!). The next time we met certainly was – he came over to mine to watch a film and at one point put his arm around me, which I took as a sign to lean him to kiss him, only instead he went all strange and said “oh this is a bit weird!” Needless to say I wasn’t so happy about this strange outburst and he ended up leaving awkwardly in a rush. He put it down to he hadn’t expected this all to be moving so fast but said he still wanted to see me, and our next date seemed to go very well, we again had a great laugh and it ended in a non awkward goodbye kiss.

 

To cut a long story short, it all culminated when I invited him to a club night which on the day he first said he wouldn’t be able to make, but in the evening as we were heading over he suddenly changed his mind and said he was going to meet me there. We met and he explained that he was sorry that everything has been happening strangely, but that he’d realised he still wasn’t over his ex girlfriend, that online dating had been him trying to get over her but it hadn’t worked (owch!). This was a bit of a blow to be honest as I’d never picked up on anything – he’d once or twice mentioned an ex but only in passing and it hadn’t seemed to have been a problem. He said he still wanted to be friends and I stupidly agreed because I just wasn’t willing to stop talking with him yet.

 

However as the days went by and we continued to text every single day (he would always text me first, which was a bit weird in itself) I found it too confusing and told him that we could either take it slowly or not text at all as it was all too soon to make the transition. He agreed, adding it “was a shame” and that I “deserved better” but he was still “madly in love” with his ex, which didn’t exactly make me feel better! Although it was probably the right thing to do, I deeply regret it as now I can’t text him again and inevitably I have lots of little things that pop up into my head that he would only get that I now have no one to send to. I’m constantly being reminded of him in that horrible cliché way of listening to a song or hearing someone talk about a certain topic that we used to talk about and it’s driving me mad because really it only lasted for over a month – why on earth am I reacting like this? I’ve been in a relationship that lasted over two years where I basically felt nothing at the end! It’s only been a week since we have stopped texting each other but every day is a horrible rollercoaster where I am thinking that I’ve moved on then I’ll be reminded of something he said or we did and back I go, feeling awful and frustrated about what can now never happen. I even wonder if I texted him in a month or so maybe we could work something out as at the moment I’m not sure I can move on (ironic, considering why he couldn’t see me anymore!) – but would he just ignore me and make me feel even worse?

 

I just would like an objective opinion on what people think I should do or how I can stop thinking of him so much, I can’t keep bugging my friends as they’ll think I’m silly feeling this much over someone I’ve only known for a month, but it’s driving me crazy and I’ve never felt like this before, I’m a mess!

[Philosoraptor]

It ended when it was still in the exciting honeymoon stage. But there was no true honeymoon as you were a rebound and he admitted it. While it sucks that you got let down, it's better now than in 6 months when he leaves you for the ex he's still madly in love with.

 

You can and will do better than someone who is emotionally unavailable.

[Brown-Eyez]

A very similar thing happened to me (2 month relationship) which ended very abruptly and is now taking me ages to let go of..

 

from what I understand we fell in love with a fantasy and those are the hardest to end, we never had a chance to learn anything truly negative about the person.

 

and my situation happened when I was really ready for something serious so I allowed myself to become open & vulnerable too quickly, got hooked, and now am slowly trying to remove the hook

 

what I have sadly learned is that no matter how good a situation looks, I have to go real real slow, hold back on any intense physical intimacy (to protect myself) until the situation gels.

 

We'll see how I do..

 

As for you, hang in there, try not to judge yourself so harshly (or be ashamed) that you have such strong feelings for someone you hardly knew..remember our brains are pretty clever at constructing something out of nothing.

[hopefulfaerie]

A very similar thing happened to me (2 month relationship) which ended very abruptly and is now taking me ages to let go of..

 

from what I understand we fell in love with a fantasy and those are the hardest to end, we never had a chance to learn anything truly negative about the person.

 

and my situation happened when I was really ready for something serious so I allowed myself to become open & vulnerable too quickly, got hooked, and now am slowly trying to remove the hook

 

what I have sadly learned is that no matter how good a situation looks, I have to go real real slow, hold back on any intense physical intimacy (to protect myself) until the situation gels.

 

We'll see how I do..

 

As for you, hang in there, try not to judge yourself so harshly (or be ashamed) that you have such strong feelings for someone you hardly knew..remember our brains are pretty clever at constructing something out of nothing.

Well said!

 

Happened to me after 3 month relationship. It truly sucks! 3 months NC almost to the day and still struggling. I left a 7 year relationship about a year ago and that was MUCH easier!

Very confusing but like Brown-Eyez said. Don't beat yourself up!!!

You did nothing wrong! You just cared for someone and wanted more. Nothing wrong with that. It just hurts when it ends. Believe me I know how much it hurts!

I'm so sorry for your pain!

[lovelyflower1]

I know what it feels like, been in this situation before.

It's because you only have seen a small part of the person and all those ideal moments you have in your head, you probably just imagined them. And it's not your fault, we all do it! Good luck, I know its hard but there will be someone else out there for you!

[Curt2013]

It ended when it was still in the exciting honeymoon stage. But there was no true honeymoon as you were a rebound and he admitted it. While it sucks that you got let down, it's better now than in 6 months when he leaves you for the ex he's still madly in love with.

 

You can and will do better than someone who is emotionally unavailable.

 

My ex was a self admitted 'emotionally unavailable' person. I wonder at times if that's really possible of whether they just haven't found the right person yet. For a fact I know she was very unemotional about many things but damn she loved her dog. LoL