tinydancer93 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I've started seeing a guy recently; he's lovely, affectionate, kind-hearted, and I get really good vibes from him. I've only been with one other man, and he treated me terribly...this guy that I am seeing now is nothing like my ex, and thoroughly disagrees with how my ex treated me (we discussed it a bit - he brought it up because I had mentioned I was having issues with an ex who wouldn't drop contact - but that's all resolved now and the ex is out of the picture). So I have seen this guy three times now - I know it doesn't seem like much. The first time I saw him I had just broken up with my ex, so I was feeling pretty down - nothing happened, a bit of conversation, there was some chemistry, and he basically told me he found me very attractive and he asked for me number. For weeks he would text me every few days asking to get together, asking how I am, wishing me a nice day, etc. I was still mourning my past relationship, so I kept putting him off, but eventually agreed to meet for a coffee because I wanted to give this guy a chance - he seemed very into me and like a lovely person. I am so glad I did meet up with him! So our first date (and our second time seeing each other in person) went really well. We had some good, open conversation, I met a few of his friends and we shared some long cuddles, but no kisses because I was trying to take things slow. He was ok with this, said I could take my time. He also made it very clear he was into me. A few key things he mentioned to me regarding relationships/dating: - He said he has always practised & valued monogamy - Says he has never cheated on a partner & never would (I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and trust this) - Has not been in a relationship in 2 years because he has become "picky" with who he dates due to past betrayals (nearly all of his past girlfriends have cheated on him) So after that date, I didn't hear from him for a couple of days and was starting to think he lost interest, but he sent me a text saying it was his birthday and that he wished I was there, so I came down to see him. We had a lovely time and I met some more of his friends, who I got along with. He told me many times that he was so glad I came. There was a lot of chemistry but nothing really happened because he friends were around (because it was his birthday). I ended up staying the night...wasn't planning to, but it happened! Things got very hot & heavy...we basically did everything under the sun EXCEPT have sex (I am a virgin and want to wait a little, he gleened this very quickly and seemed ok, didn't pressure me to have sex or anything). Am kind of disappointed in myself because I wanted to take things very slowly...then again, I don't regret it, it felt right. He was very affectionate, cuddling me all night and all morning the next day. I felt safe and loved with me. He did lots of lovely things - made me coffee in bed, picked me a flower, he even put his call from his mother (wishing him a happy birthday) on loudspeaker and he mentioned to his mother that there is "a lovely girl" sitting beside him...he described me as "warm, caring, kind, etc" - which made me feel great! Isn't it kind of a big deal when guys mentioned a girl to their mother? Anyway, before I left, he said that he had a great time, thanked me for coming and said "see you soon". SO. To my question! I know we've only seen each other three times, but things have progressed quickly and I have a good feeling about him, and I can tell he is definitely into me. I'm just wondering, how do I know when/if we are an exclusive couple? Does it just happen that way naturally, HAS it happened, or do we need to have the "what are we?" talk, and if so, how can I bring this topic up? I guess the only reason I even feel the need to get insight from you guys is that having been intimate with someone, it's important to me that we are actually together or at least heading in that direction...(and yes, I know I should have thought about this BEFORE we jumped into bed together..! But now that it's happened, I'm hoping we will become "official" soon if that makes sense. Thanks in advance for your comments!
Philosoraptor Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Sadly no one here can ask that question. Communicate with him and ask about being exclusive. That's the only way you'll get your answer. From what you say, he doesn't seem the type to date around.
clia Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 SO. To my question! I know we've only seen each other three times, but things have progressed quickly and I have a good feeling about him, and I can tell he is definitely into me. I'm just wondering, how do I know when/if we are an exclusive couple? Does it just happen that way naturally, HAS it happened, or do we need to have the "what are we?" talk, and if so, how can I bring this topic up? I guess the only reason I even feel the need to get insight from you guys is that having been intimate with someone, it's important to me that we are actually together or at least heading in that direction...(and yes, I know I should have thought about this BEFORE we jumped into bed together..! But now that it's happened, I'm hoping we will become "official" soon if that makes sense. Thanks in advance for your comments! How old are you guys? To answer your question, typically some sort of "do you want to be exclusive" or "do you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend" type of discussion will happen at some point. Assume either status at your own risk. Some people will say it naturally flows into that, which may be the case for them, but in my experience there needs to be a conversation. Based on your post, you do not appear to be exclusive yet or even a couple yet, since you've had no conversation about it. Two "dates" is also pretty quick for exclusivity. I would even question whether you are dating, since it sounds like on both occasions you've seen him several of his friends have been around. The most recent time you saw him (his birthday) was a last minute request for you to join him and his friends. That isn't a date. I know he's said a bunch of stuff that sounds great and is everything you want to hear, but please tread lightly and move slowly. It's not uncommon for a man to say a bunch of crap like that and then to poof after sex. When was the last time you talked to him? Has he been in communication with you at least every other day? Has he asked you out again? Watch his actions -- don't rely on his words. 1
Author tinydancer93 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Clia, I am 20, he is 43. (I know, big age diff, but I've always preferred older men). Do you think this would have some sort of impact on my question regarding exlusivity, etc? I have no doubt that we are dating - yes, his friends have been around sometimes, but we have had plenty of time where it has been just the two of us (and not just in bed time, I mean!). We saw each other only yesterday; he has not contacted me since but I am not too worried because it has not even been 24 hours! In answer to your question, he normally contacts me every couple of days.
KatZee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) Long story short, NO. You are not in an exclusive relationship with him at all. You are not exclusive until he brings up the talk asking you to be his girlfriend. Please don't do what needy girls do and bring up the talk on your own. You've seen him THREE TIMES. You're completely jumping the gun and again, doing what needy girls do. Turn dating into some sort of "insta-relationship." I know you think the chemistry and connection is off the charts and amazing, but seriously, slow down. The point of dating is to get to know the other person, really find out if they're right for you. Date two and you're already fondling each other in bed. Slow ya roll. Just a bit. And don't expect him to make you an official girlfriend this soon--- and don't expect him to treat you any different after hooking up with you either. I know you're expecting that, and hoping to become official soon. Unlikely though. Edited September 5, 2013 by KatZee
Recommended Posts