Are these my private documents on his computer???

[WorriedBigBelm]

Am incognito today in case this site comes up cookied or something I don’t understand. My bf & I do not live together. I have a PC at home and he has a Mac. A few months ago he was showing me some old photos he had stored on disk, and as he was choosing the files to open, I noticed a folder called ‘Nothing really matters’. There were also a couple of photos of his ex on there so I was averting my eyes diplomatically but at the same time wondering what on earth could be in this mysteriously named folder. I forgot about it because I wasn’t prepared to look on the disk when he wasn’t there and have a peek and excepting the initial curiosity, what’s his is his and not mine to peek at.

 

However, I was looking at my own PC a few weeks ago and I revealed the hidden folders, and I had completely forgotten, but theres one called ‘Nothing really matters’. Now I feel completely sick, the folder contains a lot of documents I really would rather no-one saw – let alone him, in fact, I darent even look in it as it I would be frantic if I reminded myself how mortifying they actually are – its me at my most looney. They are all journal style entries of when I split with my ex, I wrote a lot of stuff that I REALLY don’t want anyone reading, I am only keeping it in case I need to self-counsel myself and stop myself doing things the wrong way in future. Lest I forget is the only way I can describe it.

 

The folders werent hidden for a while, they were ‘stashed’ but on view. Now my confusion is that my bf really doesn’t seem the type to go rooting through my things – and to be honest, I wouldn’t mind if he was, just not this folder!!! I have only been with him a year and as we have been taking things slow, maybe I don’t know him that well yet.

 

1) Is this too much of a co-incidence? Do you think its my folder?

2) If he mailed it to himself to a Mac, what programme could it be opened with? Could he read it?

3) If he put it on disk, a PC disk isnt compatible with a Mac disk is it?

 

What would you do? Would you leave it or find out if its your folder?

 

BigBelm (close to hysterical)

[tattoomytoe]

i would check to see if it was your folder....otherwise i would just think it is quite the coincidence.

because how would he even know about that file on your comp? even know to look in it if he were snooping?

[loveregardless]

Hmm...thats a tough one. I suppose my only answer, or really question is: What if it was the same folder? What if he has read it? What does that mean then? Is it really such a terrible thing...or is it your fear and insecurity that he will judge you for what it contains? Would he judge you for it? Or are you just embarrassed and angry and scared at the possibilty that it may be the same folder. I don't necessarily think that he would have been intentionally snooping around when he came across it, but he may have come across it by accident, been concerned for you, sent it to himself to look at further, then realized it was from the past, and felt guilty and embarrassed about having read it, and therefore never said anything. But I think the first question I asked is most important. What does it mean if it IS the same folder? He's obviously still with you right? So it hasn't actually affected anything assuming that he has read it right? I think your biggest issue is your fear of your bf and yours relationship. You have ONLY been together a year. Well a year isn't just some fling Belmy, a year is at least slightly substantial. I don't know, there are so many things to consider. I'll go ahead and post this to get the convo started so you can calm down. Don't freak out, no tears, no hysterics...we'll figure something out. It's not THAT bad even considering worst case scenario. Besides, if he would be the type to judge you for your private words in a weakened state of mind and rough time in your life, he isn't really as great as you think after all, right? So give him a little more credit and give yourself a little more credit. Ok, I'm really posting this now.

 

And of course, as toey says, there is always the possibilty that the two of you just have a similar taste in what you name your files?!

[Barby]

Could it be just that he happened to name his folder the same name as one of your's? I mean maybe he has things in there that he didn't want to "throw away" but that weren't really important. I say just ask him about it instead of snooping!

[bluechocolate]

1) Is this too much of a co-incidence? Do you think its my folder?

 

It sounds like a very strange coincidence, don't cha think?

 

2) If he mailed it to himself to a Mac, what programme could it be opened with? Could he read it?

 

If he mailed them - yep - most w/processors can convert Mac documents.

 

3) If he put it on disk, a PC disk isnt compatible with a Mac disk is it?

 

It's possible, but more difficult.

 

I would have a look at that folder if I were you. If there is some kind of audit trail (I haven't used a Mac in years) you might be able to see when they were last accessed, but I suspect you'll only have a "last saved" date, meaning anyone could have been reading them. He would have had to have sent them from you PC, no? Have you checked your "sent" folder(s)?

 

I understand your anxiety here. You've got two issues going on 1. he snooped on your PC & took some hidden personal documents - maybe; and 2. he might have actually read them! I 'reckon you can only deal with one issue at a time here, so first find out if that is your folder on his PC & hurry, it could have been deleted. It might be easier just to ask him about it. If it's not your folder issue number 2 is gone.

 

Good Luck.

[tattoomytoe]

now go back and put a lock on that file!

[WorriedBelm]

Thanks for your replies girls.

 

First Tattoomy4toes...

 

'i would check to see if it was your folder'

 

I half dont want to know, i dont know how i would feel if it was my folder. BUT, if i was to look without asking, id run the risk of doing to him what i think he may have done to me, and, i could get caught. Yes, yes i know i should talk to him but i dont want to, i feel intensly private about these files, and if its mine, i'd have to engage in conversation about them and i dont want to. and i dont want to seem by saying i dont want to discuss it that i am hiding my current feelings. I think he felt i wasnt over ex when i met him, it may be partially true, but the hard work was done and i never wanted to see ex again, id gone past point of no return.

 

Any Mac users? If i WAS to look, would it leave a trace of what i have looked at on his recent documents? i feel ill thinking about looking, i dont want to look on his comp, and if i do and its my folder, i dont know if it will affect how i feel about him.

 

LR - thanks for replying poppet

 

Thats the killer questions...

 

'What if it was the same folder? What if he has read it? What does that mean then?'

 

I think my issue is that i have have worked HARD to be the person i am today. And most of that work came in that period. I dont want him to see me as this weak desperate idiot who was broken and incapable. He once said to me i am the strongest most 'together' person he knows. I am NOW, but i wasnt then. I feel like i could go back to being this insecure mess but the further behind me i leave it, the less of an issue it is, until all my cans get opened and theres worms all over the floor. This is MY mess and i want it where it belongs, in the past. He doesnt know me as the person i was, and i dont want him to.

 

'he may have come across it by accident'

 

Id like to think so but its v unlikely, hed have to turn my comp on while i was at work and search the documents. He had no reason to look at my comp

 

I am not angry at him for looking, most people would, but i am perplexed that my cover has been blown and the real me has to stand up if i discuss it with him.

 

I guess what i mean is i like the person he thinks i am. I didnt like myself then, and i dont want him thinking of me that way.

 

'He's obviously still with you right? So it hasn't actually affected anything assuming that he has read it right?'

 

I thought this too, it cant have clouded his view of me, we are good together. But it may have and i dont know but i have managed to weather that clouding of opinion, i cant imagine what he must have thought. I am just so embarrassed - imagine your worst emotional outburst, you have been up all night crying about boys, you imagine killing yourself, you dont eat for 2 months - then your The One reads all about it a year on!! arghhh.

 

'Don't freak out, no tears, no hysterics'

 

Weirdly, i have known about this for a couple of months but i have only just started to deal with it. I dont do tears & freak outs anymore, well only on anon forums.

 

'Well a year isn't just some fling '

 

It feels like we dont know each other well yet. I cant ask him about this, i just cant. I am an emotional retard sometimes.

 

So give him a little more credit and give yourself a little more credit.

 

yes, i understand. but refer to above about this being the 'new me' and WHY i dont want him to know the old me. She veered between evil harpie and insecure fruitbat.

 

'two of you just have a similar taste in what you name your files?!'

 

yes, and now i want to know what hes written if thats the case??? and i DONT want to snoop.

 

i think i need my oxygen tent. am i overreacting? its my worst case senario, i have worked to make myself a better person, then the nightmare person i was bites my backside and smirks at me. Its more about how i see me, and how i had the chance for a clean slate and i feel thats been taken away.

 

Thanks for your input. i want to put a green face but guests dont have the pleasure of vom smilies.

[Worried BB]

BlueChocolate, thanks for responding.

 

'you might be able to see when they were last accessed, but I suspect you'll only have a "last saved" date, meaning anyone could have been reading them. He would have had to have sent them from you PC, no? Have you checked your "sent" folder(s)?'

 

They are on disk, so i have to work out how to put the disk in (theres no disk hole - whats all that about) and OOHHH i understand, read the folder on MY comp! good idea, will do tonight. I think hed have sent them via his hotmail if he did so that, and i am aol but not online anymore because i forgot to pay my phone bill then damaged my socket with a bowling ball so i havent bothered getting reconnected.

 

'1. he snooped on your PC & took some hidden personal documents - maybe'

 

put like that it does sound quite bad. and the fact they have been taken OFF my comp. Yes, i do need to see that folder on his disk. I dont want to know. Head in sand.

 

'It might be easier just to ask him about it'

 

cant cant cant. yes, you are right though - will think it through tonight. see below.

 

Barby - 'Could it be just that he happened to name his folder the same name as one of your's' possibly, but am thinking more and more unlikely.

 

and if i ask him, he'll think i think that of him, when if i did, it wouldnt change my opinion of him but it might change our dynamic and as most posters here know i am terrified of change.

 

'put a lock on that file'

 

Ive tried but dont know how to. Someone pm BigBelm with how to password protect please. i am a technobimbo.

 

BB

[savethedrama4allama]

Hey there, I can see why you're freaking. I sure as Hell wouldn't want anyone seeing my personal thoughts about a breakup especially snagging them from my computer! I think looking at the "last modified" date idea is a good one. If you look at "last accessed" it'll tell you todays date. (At least thats how it works on mine). Gosh I wish I could offer more help but I can't!

 

Good luck!

 

Dramallama

[Sukotto]

Yeah if you open them it will show up in Recent Documents, I suggest you just look at the filenames and if need be you can click the file once and then Go to file and use "Get Info" to see when the files were created. Either that or just copy the files from his computer to yours either via floppy or email and open them once you get home.

 

I have to admit that I went snooping on my girlfriends computer while upgrading it, I found lots of saved conversations from when we had an arguement and some other nice stuff though I didn't take a copy. I'd be suspicous if he had an identical named folder.

 

Mac's dont have floppy disk drives though he might have an external one plugged in via USB, else there isn't really a way to do it without removing the disk from his place and looking at it within your PC. You can't really password protect files on Windows unless you use encryption, you should be able to right click on the folder and select encrypt but only on XP Pro.

 

Under Mac you just need to make a new user and they wont be able to read your files as a Mac uses unix permissions for files within your documents folder so nobody can read them.

[loveregardless]

I think my issue is that i have have worked HARD to be the person i am today. And most of that work came in that period. I dont want him to see me as this weak desperate idiot who was broken and incapable. He once said to me i am the strongest most 'together' person he knows. I am NOW, but i wasnt then. I feel like i could go back to being this insecure mess but the further behind me i leave it, the less of an issue it is, until all my cans get opened and theres worms all over the floor. This is MY mess and i want it where it belongs, in the past. He doesnt know me as the person i was, and i dont want him to.

 

Where to begin my love where to begin. First of all, I would like to say that you did a good job cleverly disguising this thread as concern about whether or not he had read the files when you were really concerned with what it meant if he did.

First of all, EVERYONE has a past and EVERYONE has been through hard times, sad times, rough times, and suck ass times that made them the person they currently are. There is no shame in that, it is a human reality.You need to realize that the person you are is a complete RESULT of those times, it was a necesary evil if you will. You would not be this version of "you" if you had not been through those dark times. Speaking of dark times, I have a book suggestion for you, I'll pm it to you.

Secondly, you need to be honest with him about your past. Don't hide it, don't be ashamed...that doesn't mean that you have to share every painful awful detail by any means, and if he did read it, it may already have been shared, but that is the reality of who you are love. You want him to love you right? The whole you, not some idealized version that you have carefully sculpted for him. In all honesty, that's not being fair to him. You are assuming that he would judge you or not accept you if he did know the whole truth, and really, that is your judging him just as harshly as your judging yourself.

 

I guess what i mean is i like the person he thinks i am. I didnt like myself then, and i dont want him thinking of me that way.

 

You juge yourself so terribly harsh my dear. You are not a lump of clay. Your feelings of self worth and self acceptance should not be dependent upon what particular form you are in currently. You are a complex, deep, sensitive, emotional, weak, strong, funny, mean, happy, sad, etc. etc. individual...you see what I am saying. Every peice makes the puzzle complete, and without those peices we wish didn't exist, the puzzle looks half done and confusing, and then where are we?

 

I thought this too, it cant have clouded his view of me, we are good together. But it may have and i dont know but i have managed to weather that clouding of opinion, i cant imagine what he must have thought. I am just so embarrassed - imagine your worst emotional outburst, you have been up all night crying about boys, you imagine killing yourself, you dont eat for 2 months - then your The One reads all about it a year on!! arghhh.

So you are embarrassed. And that's ok too. It's ok to be embarrassed. And I'm just so proud of your for admitting that, that alone shows how far you have come and how much you have changed. Every human emotion is "ok"...even the ones we are ashamed of, like anger, and fear, and hate, and embarrassment...it is not the emotion itself that is "bad"...it is how you express that emotion.

And in reality, you are being embarrassed about something you shouldn't feel embarrsed about. It's called depression hun, and it's very common. Believe me, I understand depression. But you made it out right, and those thoughts don't control you anymore do they? So you should be PROUD that you overcame that. You should feels strong and brave for making it through that. Because you are of a different mind set now, and you are doing great now...GIVE YOURSELF MORE CREDIT!

 

It feels like we dont know each other well yet. I cant ask him about this, i just cant. I am an emotional retard sometimes.

You are not emotionally retarded at all. You are working on your issues, you are growing, you are healing old wounds, you are overcoming your fears, you are ever changing for the better don't you see that? Too often people compare themselves to this idealistic image of perfection instead of comparing themselves to last week, or last month, or last year. Make fair comparisons...no one is perfect, thats a lie, an illusion...and a harmful one at that. And you should never discount how far you have come and how much you have changed because your not exactly where you want to be yet. Again, that's not fair to yourself even int he slightest.

 

but refer to above about this being the 'new me' and WHY i dont want him to know the old me. She veered between evil harpie and insecure fruitbat.

Again, being hard on yourself. I would love to tell you what the "old me" was like. I gave a little peak into it on the parenting thread under misconceptions, etc. You know what, I heard a Country song this morning that makes this point rather well. It says, "God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you." I'll pm you the lyrics.

think i need my oxygen tent. am i overreacting? its my worst case senario, i have worked to make myself a better person, then the nightmare person i was bites my backside and smirks at me. Its more about how i see me, and how i had the chance for a clean slate and i feel thats been taken away.

Clean slates don't exist, because the past never dissapears. But the good news is, the past is in the past, and that means its gone, that means its not the current reality, that means...its not REAL. The only thing that is real is right now, this very moment, and this very moment, your a hell of a girl! A hell of a girl with a huge heart who's been down a long broken road that led her straight...to you. Love ya Belmy.

[tokyo]

I didn´t go through all the post, but I would have a problem if he had copied things that belong to me on his computer. Unless it´s junk or jokes, it does matter. What kind of person snoops?

 

I had this problem with someone from work and it pissed me off. It´s just not what a decent person does. Period. Talk with him. That´s a must.

 

 

--LR, I want the lyrics, too!

[meanon]

If the oxygen tent doesn't work, try a paper bag.

 

What you do depends to some extent on how you'd feel if he has sent the file to his computer and read it. There may be another explanation, but it's unlikely.

 

It sounds like you could forgive it. Your past is your own, you are entitled to privacy, but that doesn't seem to be a major issue for you, it's more embarrassment and worry about his view of you. You are best to sort this out by talking to him.

 

If it was me I think I'd feel it was a breach of privacy and a lack of honesty (taking something personal to me without my knowledge). Given that, I'd have to know for sure. I'd check the file.

if i was to look without asking, id run the risk of doing to him what i think he may have done to me, and, i could get caught.

You have good reason to check whereas he didn't. You would have to promise yourself to be on long enough to check if they are your documents but not to read them. There's been plenty of examples of people here who tell themselves that but then read the documents. Would you be strong enough not to?

 

It's not worth doing something under hand yourself and the risk of getting caught if you can live with the possibility that he has done it. Far better to talk to him.

 

You are no emotional retard BB, what is the worst that could happen if you talk to him? He's either read it or not, talking will make no difference to that. As for your view of yourself, this is your chance to accept who you are, your past is part of that. Be proud of what you have achieved. Don't make it into a shameful secret.

 

Your password protect lesson will be in the cyber post soon.

 

sd

[WorriedBigBelm]

Thank you thank you thank you – you have all been a MASSIVE help. So much appreciated.

 

Loveregardless – your post really struck some chords, and helped me organise my thoughts no end. I have had an evening thinking and have naturally come to some v similar conclusions as much of what you said, you have been invaluable pumpkin. x

 

‘you did a good job cleverly disguising this thread as concern about whether or not he had read the files when you were really concerned with what it meant if he did’

 

VG. You’ve rumbled me. I never know what my threads are about until I am about 8 responses into them.

 

‘The whole you, not some idealized version that you have carefully sculpted for him.’

 

Maybe that’s where I have been going too excessively. I have learned that if you don’t act on your worst personality traits, you can iron them out and eventually they begin to play less and less a part of being you – I have been all or nothing, if I acknowledge them, I am worried they could come back. I need to find a more realistic medium, but I think that will come with a bit of time and more confidence that I am capable of controlling who I am and not letting self-indulgence take over.

 

‘ that is your judging him just as harshly as your judging yourself. ‘

 

I agree, thanks for pointing that out. I thought last night that if he has taken the files, then it was meant to be and he was meant to see them. And its not damaged us, maybe its helped us. If I saw stuff like that about him, I don’t know how I would react, but he’s adult enough not to have judged me harshly or we wouldn’t be where we are now.

 

‘Too often people compare themselves to this idealistic image of perfection instead of comparing themselves to last week, or last month, or last year’

 

Never thought of that, interesting point

 

Your whole post was really thoughtful and made me smile, its reinforced what I was already thinking after I calmed down and went this through logically. I have however, gone through the billions of notepads and printed off emails I horde and censored them, it was time for a cleansing session – if I do end up back in the bad place, it wont be the same bad place it was before so I don’t need them now.

 

‘God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you’

 

nice summary.

 

Savethedrama

 

‘Gosh I wish I could offer more help but I can't!’

 

Just the fact you extended your little hoof was enough

 

‘Dramallama’ haha I am loving that.

 

Sukotto

 

Thanks for the practical advice, I havent decided whether to try and look at the disk yet, its not a floppy, it’s a CD. But if I do, then I will look at the Get Info thingy just mail them to myself – I wouldn’t have thought of that. The thought of looking makes me feel a bit ill, I think maybe I will just be perpetuating the whole senario if I do. I don’t know what brainstorms I will have in the future so its stored in my memory just in case.

 

Kooky

 

I have given the privacy issue some more thought. Its actually made him more ‘human’ to me – he never puts a foot wrong and this has showed me he has insecurities about us, hes not the totally self-assured person I though he was. That could be just a bit TOO robotic is he didn’t show some flaws. If it was coupled with other issues like controlling behaviour or other invasions of privacy, I would be much more concerned. He’s been close on perfect so I don’t think what hes done is THAT bad. It could be, but with the fact he’s been nothing but supportive and sweet, I think I should let it go.

 

If anyone really disagrees and thinks that it needs to be tackled, let me know what you think after I have put it in that context.

 

Meanon, that tapping foot really does give you some gravitas, I always feel I HAVE to listen or I will be sent out of the room in disgrace.

 

‘If it was me I think I'd feel it was a breach of privacy and a lack of honesty (taking something personal to me without my knowledge).’

 

Hopefully my response to Kooky has explained why I am not too concerned. I am trying to remember that he doesn’t have the benefit of people on LS reminding him what’s right & wrong (which I need to keep me on straight & narrow) yet he still (usually) behaves impeccably. This IS a strike though. I do admit I am loathe to rock the boat too, I would have to be catapulted into action to change the dynamics we have currently, but I am consoling myself with the above reasoning to allow this to pass. That is my main motivation, not to keep things sweet.

 

‘There's been plenty of examples of people here who tell themselves that but then read the documents. Would you be strong enough not to?’

 

Yes, I believe I would. I have had ample opportunity to snoop and was tempted at first, but I don’t want to see anything that isnt my business, I don’t want to know about his past loves, I feel secure enough to know he’s happy with me & am not looking for ‘evidence’. Also, the fact he lost his twin recently has ‘policed’ me, it’s too big a thing for me to snoop into. I respect his bereavement which he finds difficult to discuss, so its not my place to find out without his permission.

 

BB

[tokyo]

Ok, I understand your point of view somehow. I think it´s not compareable with what happened to me at work and the girl who did it clearly wasn´t doing it in order to get to know me better.

 

I might have missed it, but what was is again that you intend to do concerning this?

[WBB]

Hi Kooky

 

Someone doing that at work is despicable, it can only be to further her own ends and to damage you, and your career is not something you want third parties malevolently interferring with. Did you tackle her? What happened?

 

'but what was is again that you intend to do concerning this'

 

not yet entirely sure myself yet. I have a few options.

 

1) I put it to rest and completely forget about it. Dont ever bring it up. I dont know for sure these documents are mine.

 

2) Check to see if the documents are mine without asking him, if they are, ignore it. Run the risk of getting caught

 

3) Check to see if documents are mine without asking him, then, if they are talk to him. Run the risk of getting caught.

 

4) Ask him

 

For now i am veering towards option 1. BUT, i dont know how long this will remain my stand (i have known a few months though and havent done anything thus far, i have only just even admitted my fear its my folder). If something else comes up (or just with time) i may change my mind. If i change my mind, i would go for option 2 unless something else happens that concerns me. I dont want to go for option 2, i really really dont. I think i could behave myself, but at the moment i dont know for SURE that i could stop myself looking into other files on that CD (there's pics of his ex on there) and i am fairly sure i could stop myself, but if i was a bit drunk or upset, my good intentions may not hold as much water and i dont want to test myself to that extent yet so I have to say option 1 and pretend option 2 doesnt exist.

 

Option 3 is a no full stop whatever whenever - if something else happened and i needed to know, i couldnt look then admit i had looked as it could trigger lack of trust between us.

 

Option 4 is too mortifying to think of. I am way too embarrassed currently, if something else happened and i felt i HAD to talk to him, then i would prefer this option to 3. The issue i have with this is that i know that he would be embarrassed of what he had done. And i would be embarrassed about what he knows i have thought in the past (I know I know LR - i am still thinking about your post!). In context i dont think that he needs to change his behaviour, so if i talked to him about it, when i say it could change our 'dynamics' i mean he then wouldnt think i saw him as my hero any more, hed fall from his pedestal, when in my eyes he hasn't. Talking about things makes them real, the perception of what has happened is just as bad as the reality. I think he NEEDS to feel like i think he is perfect, thats why i find it easier discussing my worries about him here because usually i can talk myself out of them but if i discussed with him, hed know i had them in the first place when if they are going to go away, theres no point in putting it on him.

 

Is this lack of honesty i am displaying damaging? I have suspicions, but i am not dealing with them in a straightforward manner. Is it ok to ignore something i dont have proof over and just keep in mind that if 'something' else happens it needs to be dealt with? I am thinking as long as its not detrimental to my opinion of him its ok. Is my not saying anything one of those forgiveable white lies? Or am i storing up problems for the future with the way i deal with this?

 

BB

[bluechocolate]

Is it ok to ignore something i dont have proof over and just keep in mind that if 'something' else happens it needs to be dealt with?

 

My experience has shown me that open truth & frank honesty, especially about stuff that really concerns you, is essential to maintaining a long-term successful relationship. If those are your doc's then it doesn't stand to reason that everything will fall apart the moment you discover the truth. This could be an opportunity to bond even closer together.

 

I think sometimes things like this have the potential to fester & then boil up in surprising places later. Personally this would be important to me - I would not want my partner snooping around in personal documents, digital or hard-copy. We should be close enough to talk about this stuff. If something unexpected is found & you're curious, then mention it, but never sneak things away that are not yours & are clearly private. That would plant a seed of mistrust in my mind about you & I would start being secretive & hiding things or locking drawers - & I don't want to live like that.

 

I can't say whether this would be a deal breaker for me or not - that would depend on a lot of things.

[savethedrama4allama]

All I know BB is that you have a lot more restraint than I do. If I saw a folder on his computer with a name identical to a folder I have on mine I would have said "what is that?! is that mine?!"

 

Is this going to eat away at you? If it is, thats just not healthy for the relationship. I know its embarassing but honesty sounds like the best policy here. You could ask about what you saw, and request that he show you what the folder is (not in detail but enough to prove that it is not your material within.) After all, it is a logical progression that the folder may be yours with such a unique name. (It isn't named "stuff" after all.) You shouldn't be embarassed that you're logical and observant.

 

Still extending my tiny hoof to you,

dramallama

[TerrifiedBigBelm]

I would start being secretive & hiding things or locking drawers - & I don't want to live like that.

 

Oh crap. I had nicely talked myself out of needing to discuss this with him. I had put it all in neat little boxes tied with pretty ribbons and packed it away. Now I go and read this and realise I have already started doing the hiding things thing. Its stuff like the files he saw, things I don’t want anyone seeing and that I should actually throw away anyway, I shouldn’t have anything lying around I would be mortified over someone seeing, but nevertheless I still shouldn’t have to be aware its got to be hidden – even if it is sensible to hide it.

 

I think you are right BC & Kooky. I will still take the loveregardless stand but I do need to address this. I need to talk to him. I am absolutely terrified.

 

What do I say? Any advice? It’s been 2 or 3 months since I saw it.

 

The whole thing would have been a LOT easier if I had taken the llama approach "what is that?! is that mine?!". That amused me when i read it but its making a lot of sense now. I have learned not to do things on impulse or say anything ever out of anger, but I have lost that sort of spontaneity concerning potential conflict that lets me get away with shrieking and pointing on the spur of the moment. I am too considered in my actions.

 

I could get him to show me the photos again and ask whats in that folder (i am just copying llama now but with a bit more tact) I don’t really want to do that due to photos of ex in there but it’s a means to an end. If you think I should just ask him, how do I broach that?

[bluechocolate]

It’s been 2 or 3 months since I saw it.

 

I didn't realise it was some time ago - definitely best handled as-and-when, but too late for that now.

 

Interesting though - it was 2 or 3 months ago & you haven't been able to let it go.

 

What do I say? Any advice?

 

As terrified as you are - just ask him about it. I strongly suspect that once you've gotten this off your chest the terror will disappear. The time lag actually makes it easier in some ways. Faced with your position I would make sure I was there with the computer & person in question & just say something like, "I noticed a while ago that you have a folder named exactly the same as one of mine. Is that still on here & would you mind if I took a look at it? Or could you tell me if it was indeed my folder"?

 

The next part is trickier. Have you given some consideration as to what you're going to say if it is your folder? If he says it wasn't but can't prove it? If he says it was but deleted it without reading it?

 

but nevertheless I still shouldn’t have to be aware its got to be hidden – even if it is sensible to hide it.

 

That's how I feel about it. You make things "less accessible" because it's prudent, not because you think your partner is going to snoop around & find them.

[savethedrama4allama]

My 2 cents (again) about approaching it:

 

Complete honesty. Why you're worried. Why you're not saying anything until now.

 

-While we were fooling with your 'puter a few months back I saw a file that had a unique name identical to a private file of my own.

-I did not say anything at the time because I trust you would not invade my privacy and because I didn't want to point fingers and start an argument over what is most likely a coincidence.

-In the months that have passed since then, I find myself still thinking about that file and wondering if it is indeed my material. It has come to the point where it weighs negatively on my mind and I do not want this affecting our relationship. It was hard for me to talk to you about this, but I know that you'd rather I openly about it than worry in silence. Would you please show me the file, just enough to see that it is not my material?

 

Come at him like you're sure its a silly coincidence but you don't want it weighing on your mind any longer. Hopefully it will keep him from becoming defensive.

 

If it IS your file, well I'm not sure what to do about that. Lets take baby steps and find out who's stuff it is first.

[meanon]

WBB this is not about privacy for you. In fact I'm beginning to wonder if the bf is an incidental player. It's just about you. The wardrobe is FULL.

if I acknowledge them, I am worried they could come back.

This level of dissociation for the you of the past is not good, it's beginning to get in the way of your self perception and comfort zone with your bf. It's time for a spring clean!

[tattoomytoe]

couldn't you check the properties of the file on his mac? that may tell you who authored it and when.

[Broli2001122]

Ask him. You all talk about possibilities or snooping just ask him if that's what it is. If you're serious about your relationship then you should be able to trust him and the vise-versa.

[TheBelm]

Hi BC

 

'Interesting though - it was 2 or 3 months ago & you haven't been able to let it go'

 

I thought about it for a day or so when i first saw the folder, but then totally forgot about it and something I read on LS reminded me, then I flew into a panic. I havent been mulling on it for this amount of time, promise.

 

"I noticed a while ago that you have a folder named exactly the same as one of mine. Is that still on here & would you mind if I took a look at it?'

 

That’s quite a non-accusatory way of putting it. Stored in memory.

 

'The next part is trickier. Have you given some consideration as to what you're going to say if it is your folder? If he says it wasn't but can't prove it? If he says it was but deleted it without reading it?'

 

I know, I don’t know what I would do with the information yet. I don’t intent to make him sit in corners chanting Hail Mary but I think the fact he would know I knew would be enough, he doesn’t need policing and he knows when he’s been a bad dog. I know what he would say, on the couple of occasions where hes put a foot wrong he has been totally upfront with his apology and taken all responsibility. I need to show him it doesn’t affect how I feel about him and that’s one of the reasons I am worried about mentioning it to him.

 

BananaLlama

 

I prefer your pointing & yelping approach, I just wish id done that in the first place.

 

Meanon

 

'This level of dissociation for the you of the past is not good, it's beginning to get in the way of your self perception and comfort zone with your bf. It's time for a spring clean!'

 

I have realised that recently, and I think this incident is in a way good because I am now more comfortable with what I think he knows, but I still haven’t looked in my copy of the folder as I don’t want to know what’s in there myself now. I am getting better at this but its taking me months to get each hurdle out of the way. I can also see the good side of what you point out, it prevents me slipping back into my old behaviour if he thinks I am great. I just need to be sure I have ironed out old behaviour traits before I look in the locked cupboard again.

 

'the bf is an incidental player'

 

It could have been so until that BC one pointed stuff out that I didn’t realise I was already doing and that I was letting this affect my relationship by hiding things in case they get snooped out. Which could be erosive but I am fairly confident I wont let that happen. I am good at letting things go, I just have to sever them completely.

 

Broli

 

'If you're serious about your relationship then you should be able to trust him and the vise-versa'

 

Of course you are right, and I do trust him, and even if he has snooped, I still trust him. I trust him not to treat me badly, or not to use the information he’s seen to hurt me or judge me. I trust if he has done it that hes done it for the rightest reasons there can be under circumstances.