Hard time moving on, Mind and Heart at odds.

[Phthonos]

Basically earlier this year I(25m) and my girlfriend(23f) broke up (my first major relationship) which according to her she just wasn't ready to be in another long term relationship and she wanted to find herself and keep her life options open such as being able to move around the country which she always hinted at she wanted to do. How much of this is true I don't know but it left me pretty devastated. Our relationship was only 7 months and its been 6 months since the break up. She also said she doesn't want to ever loose me and said maybe in the future we can try again. (between her last 4 year long relationship and mine which only was a period apart of 6 months she suffered from depression)

 

I have been in no contact pretty much since, and I have only broken no contact once just to let her know I was doing fine, and I enjoyed what we had. I have kept myself pretty busy in the meantime and have had a lot of ups and downs. I think the worst for me was being in denial for a long period of time. It wasn't maybe until 3 months after that it hit me that I may never see her or talk to her ever again.

 

Now 3 months more have passed and I thought I was doing okay until I accidentally saw a picture of her on Facebook and she looked 100% transformed. She looked sexier then ever, lost weight and you could tell she was a new person. Now all the sudden I went from okay I think I can finally move on to omg I want to be with her right this moment. On the other hand I too have been working out a lot, changed my style and made myself a lot more attractive. In fact I have had more girls talk to me in the bar or anywhere then ever before which pre-relatonship me could only dream of. But here I am not being able to enjoy other girls because my mind is still in the past.

 

I am really at a cross roads between moving on and wanting to be with her again. I know however I dare not tell her that I still love her or that I want to be with her still since if she ejects me I will be set back further then ever. Infact I would rather never find out if we could still be together then to find out she doesn't want to. the problem is that it took me a long time to find a good relationship and I am afraid it may take me a very long time to find another. I do think that if I get into another relationship that it will defiantly help me move on because I know I am a great guy and I gave my ex the very best. She even told me that in the first 2 months of the relationship I made her happier then her ex did in 4 years. I also need to remind myself that people don't leave people they love, and they leave so for that reason, and I have to accept that.

 

What it is all coming down to though is that I still linger to hope because of what she said after the beak up and my own morals. I loose sleep thinking about starting another relationship and then having my ex call me saying she wants to get back together. My mind is also messing me up a lot too. Like thinking maybe I wasn't good enough or maybe I should of done this or that, which is also making it hard for me to move on because I just look at beautiful girls and get that feeling of I will just disappoint them too and they would break up with me.

 

Any advice would be helpful I know there are some great people on these forums that give great positive feedback.

[Phthonos]

anyone?......

[silly in love]

My advice would be move on and dnt look back.

I did the same mistake with the dif that I am girl when my now ex told me 5 years ago he is young and wants to live his life,travel and hangout with his friends.

We broke up and then back again now after 5 years I heavily regret the first time i went back with him which was 9 months after the relationship when it was early enough.

Things didnt change up to date and now I came to know if he really wanted this relationship wouldnt let me go back then.

 

On and off few times and now I am trying to call it quit for good and forever.I wish I was never back with him,wasting 5 years of my life.!

[Phthonos]

I guess your right, I just need to keep my focus on looking ahead not behind. I guess what I am having a hard time dealing with is seeing my ex happy and looking better then ever which is opposite to what you want to see in order to make yourself feel better. I guess deep down all I think about doing is making myself look great and make her jealous of what she is missing.

[silly in love]

Take care of yourself,be healthy and look great,but do it for yourself not to have her attention.She will get jealous,but that shouldnt be your goal.Been there done that.Maybe one day she comes to her senses ,but probably that time you have moved on and dnt want her anyway.Just whatever you do ,do it for yourself,cuz anything else will just drain your energy.Good Luck!

[StyleOnEm]

I guess your right, I just need to keep my focus on looking ahead not behind. I guess what I am having a hard time dealing with is seeing my ex happy and looking better then ever which is opposite to what you want to see in order to make yourself feel better. I guess deep down all I think about doing is making myself look great and make her jealous of what she is missing.

 

Sounds like you are revolving your life around her, when she isn't even in your life anymore.

 

Why do you give her this much power over you? She clearly isn't revolving her life around you, and I can promise you she is going to move on and live a happy life-- because she is focusing on herself! She isn't worried how you will react.

 

You need to adapt that kind of mentality if you truly want to become the best you possible.

[thekhris]

Ok to tell you the truth theres nothing wrong with you, she is just not yet ready to settle, in her mind even before she met you and while both of you are together she is expecting to have different types of awesome guys and adventures while she still posses this 20's age. Did she loved you? yes she did! did she forsee you as her long time forever partner? no, will she see it on her next boyfriend or so? no. Will there be a type of guy she is looking for to be able to say to her self, "ok this is the one I want to be with him forever" NO.

 

The only 2 things that can make your ex finally settle on a man and say to her self that "I want to be w him forever ".

1. She got pregnant

2. Her youthfull glory easy days of men drooling over her is finally coming to an end. Sure every guy would still want to F+ck her till 30s or so but men drooling over her, hitting her every time, men who will think that shes the angel from heaven who will give him a paradise like life just looking on her pretty youthfull face every morning (you know what im talking about) is finally fading. Thats the time that she will say to her self "ok Im finally ready settle ! now lets hunt for that presentable safe guy"

 

THat is the only time my friend... that is the only time.. its not about you, its about how she sees that exciting promising "what could have been" life a head of her.

 

And that type of girl is not worth it to be able to label as mother material, wife candidate or forever partner. She is not a biatch of course but she is JUST "companion/sex partner with romance material" type of girl. Treat her like a season and move on and find that well mentally balanced wife candidate mother material type of girl. Life is too short to dwell on this type of chick if she is not the one, move on immediately and find and next and find till finally you can say " I hit the jackpot" on this one.

Edited September 5, 2013 by thekhris

[todreaminblue]

i just want to say people do leave people they love...it isnt easy but there are many reasons why people who do love each other are just not suited to be together.....

 

 

it didnt work with you and your ex, even though you wanted it too...we have all been there...you cant fight a losing battle you just have to let go and its going to hurt like crap but......one day ...it wont hurt as much.....then a couple of months later it will hurt less.....and if you do things you love to do and surround yourself with people who love you, family and friends...you can move on, no matter how much you think you love her........

 

you will fall for someone again....it happens whether you think you will or not....i didnt plan on ever being with anyone again or falling for someone and right when i didnt want to had no plans other than to go overseas when my family leave the nest ...i did fall..i am still single but i do live my life..so let life happen you have no idea what is in store for you ....give it half a chance ...heal.....and live your life without your ex it may be a better life for you and someone more suited to you is one step closer to you tomorrow......good luck....deb

[Phthonos]

Thanks for all the advice, it defiantly helps me feel better. I just need to put more things into perspective. I mean I just need to think of anyone in my family,friends co workers ect, they have all gone though break ups/divorce and everything in between. Its just hard for me that I went on my first major relationship in my mid 20's instead of my late teens.

 

I guess what I realized too is that I still have that mentality that my ex is still wanting to get back together again with me, and if she sees me with another girl that I then ruin any chance of getting back together. It sounds stupid but I am sure a lot of other people have it too.

 

The reality though is that couples don't get back together, and the few that do don't last any longer then the previous relationship. Sure there are exceptions such as moving for work ect, but out of all the people I have met through my life I know very very few that got back together again with ex's. That is a tough reality to face, and my logical mind knows it, but my thoughtful mind doesn't not believe this to be true and hopes for things to go back to how they were.

 

I just wish what she said during the break up wasn't so confusing. She used the words " I am not sure if I love you" " You were amazing for me and you were everything I wished for in a guy" " Its me not you" We may still have a future together at another time" " I want you to date someone else" "I am afraid that you would dump me because how I have been treating you" I mean what the hell does she expect me to think with that?

[hurts2death]

wake up,, she is the kind of chick thekhris is talking about....

 

she is letting you easy.. she thinks-how to dump him and not hurt him. she is selfish with no manners,,, walk out fast burn the past. grow i am getting through the same.... just run away and try to accept.. i believe each day i hurt less

Thanks for all the advice, it defiantly helps me feel better. I just need to put more things into perspective. I mean I just need to think of anyone in my family,friends co workers ect, they have all gone though break ups/divorce and everything in between. Its just hard for me that I went on my first major relationship in my mid 20's instead of my late teens.

 

I guess what I realized too is that I still have that mentality that my ex is still wanting to get back together again with me, and if she sees me with another girl that I then ruin any chance of getting back together. It sounds stupid but I am sure a lot of other people have it too.

 

The reality though is that couples don't get back together, and the few that do don't last any longer then the previous relationship. Sure there are exceptions such as moving for work ect, but out of all the people I have met through my life I know very very few that got back together again with ex's. That is a tough reality to face, and my logical mind knows it, but my thoughtful mind doesn't not believe this to be true and hopes for things to go back to how they were.

 

I just wish what she said during the break up wasn't so confusing. She used the words " I am not sure if I love you" " You were amazing for me and you were everything I wished for in a guy" " Its me not you" We may still have a future together at another time" " I want you to date someone else" "I am afraid that you would dump me because how I have been treating you" I mean what the hell does she expect me to think with that?

[silly in love]

Thanks for all the advice, it defiantly helps me feel better. I just need to put more things into perspective. I mean I just need to think of anyone in my family,friends co workers ect, they have all gone though break ups/divorce and everything in between. Its just hard for me that I went on my first major relationship in my mid 20's instead of my late teens.

 

I guess what I realized too is that I still have that mentality that my ex is still wanting to get back together again with me, and if she sees me with another girl that I then ruin any chance of getting back together. It sounds stupid but I am sure a lot of other people have it too.

 

The reality though is that couples don't get back together, and the few that do don't last any longer then the previous relationship. Sure there are exceptions such as moving for work ect, but out of all the people I have met through my life I know very very few that got back together again with ex's. That is a tough reality to face, and my logical mind knows it, but my thoughtful mind doesn't not believe this to be true and hopes for things to go back to how they were.

 

I just wish what she said during the break up wasn't so confusing. She used the words " I am not sure if I love you" " You were amazing for me and you were everything I wished for in a guy" " Its me not you" We may still have a future together at another time" " I want you to date someone else" "I am afraid that you would dump me because how I have been treating you" I mean what the hell does she expect me to think with that?

She just wants to keep you at her arm length.Not to lose you fully while trying out others.Back up plan."Its not u its me" is just a cliche not to hurt someone feelings.It means it's you that I dnt want now!!!Please dont analyze and fall for these words.You dnt want to be anyone's second best option!!!!

[KCCK]

Sometimes, fate can be very cruel to separate two person deeply in love but somehow, it is the best for everyone..i have friends who are from different racial ethnic deeply in love with one another but due to pressure from too many sides, they went their separate ways and move on with other people. it's kinda sad when I heard it but perhaps it is the best decision for everyone... If you want to fall in love, be prepare to be hurt... what matters most is that you have the strength to rise up again and move on in life taking the lessons learnt from previous relationships.. =)

[Phthonos]

Fate can be cruel, I thought I had it all with my ex, pretty much everything I ever wanted from a girl she had, and even more so is he was very caring which a lot of my friends were jealous of as there girlfriends did not show as much of it to them so this made me feel even more special.

 

I think I have also come to terms that breaking up is a painful thing to do as a dumper, and you would not put yourself through it unless you really meant it. I also felt really bad too about the break up because she was extremely sad doing it, and you could tell how painful it was for her based on her voice. Its also this that showed that she really cared about me, and made it even harder for me to reason with myself of the reasons she would leave.

 

However what you said Deb did ring with me, and that is she was selfish about it, she thought about herself and not about me. Its like she is saying I am having a great time with you but I want to work on myself and find what my true passions are and break my depression and negative thinking habits. But instead of going we can help each other through with this and together we overcome this, like what actual couples in a relationship should do!

 

I guess really what this thread should have been called is along the lines of felt alright in the short term, but the long term is where I am hurting.