lovehurts5 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 So my boyfriend and I had a talk tonight. It was a relaxed conversation and he kept asking me not to take offense to what we were talking about but I kind of did. I can understand his point but at the same time I'm not sure how to change but I'm willing to try. We have been together 9 months and we talk all the time about how we'd like to get a place together around the year mark of Our relationship. He was telling me,however, that one of his worries is that ill be too affectionate all the time like I am now (I see him now 3 or 4 times a week due to our opposite schedules) he's worried that he won't have time to just have his own space and that ill constantly be clingy and wanting to kiss and be with him physically. He told me that sometimes I can be too affectionate and it gets him annoyed because he feels he's smothered. To be honest, I think the reason I am that way ( and sometimes I do realize when I'm being to needy or clingy) is because I'm not getting the affection from him so I feel like the only way to get it is if I'm the one who initiates it. And I'm not just talking sex here. Sometimes I have to wait hours before he even makes a move to try and kiss me. And it's been that way for our whole relationship. So then I get impatient and if I want a kiss I go for it. But sometimes he feels like I want to be kissed too much. And then when I can tell he's getting annoyed by me I try and back off and he takes it as me being grumpy or quiet which he doesn't like. So I feel like no matter what I do he's unhappy with how I am towards him. Either I'm too much or not enough. But mostly too much. I don't want him to feel smothered at all. So I am going to try and back off. But I also crave his affection and feel like if I do back off there will be hardly be affection if I'm not the one to make the first move. I just feel down about the whole thing because I care about him and this relationship and I want him to be happy with me. I'm just an affectionate person... He says that if I'm less affectionate it'll give him more time to become affectionate. I just get so impatient waiting to feel that he wants me.
Midnight_Princess Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Sorry but i dont think you're too affectionate, I think you have just picked the wrong person to be affectionate with. 4
Lani Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 You're too affectionate for him. The same thing happened with my ex. For such a long time he let me believe it was me with the problem, when it was us. It was a big way we weren't compatible in, I needed it and he didn't. I'm not saying that you guys will break up over this, but it's something you're probably always going to struggle with as a couple. He's not going to change, and nor should you. 3
counterman Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Feels like I was in a very similar situation in my last relationship. I wanted affection from my ex-girlfriend. She hardly or never gave me any. I realise I was craving for scraps of her affection. I was being clingy and I was overly affectionate, to the point where she would argue with me about it in public. So, one day I decided not to initiate at all. A month went by and I wasn't initiating any affection, and she wasn't either (no complaints from her). Soon after, we broke up. She just wasn't that into me. Picture a guy you're not that attracted to and don't really like trying to hug or kiss you. That's what it was like for my ex-girlfriend. Now, I am still affectionate and I prefer a girl who can reciprocate that. If she can't and feels uncomfortable, I'm more than happy to move on.
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 In my relationships I need a lot of affection, sex and communication as I'm an expressive (abnormal) guy....otherwise I feel a void in myself and in the relationship, and in that respect it might feel like "I am" the "problem" but it's just incompatibility...I can't make that person feel or be more sexual, affectionate and communicative if they're just not that way (communication is a lot harder for people than they realize as well as they have trouble expressing themselves), so you're either going to have to find a compromise between one or several of those things or find someone you have a more natural compatible relationship with where it does feel like a struggle to keep yourself in "check". I'm someone who never "forces" anything, it just is what it is...that's what I see, I don't hope or fantasize about things becoming different in the future or if you pull that lever or this one that things will just magically come to fruition...that relationship is going to be like "that"...sure there can be some improvements and flexibility, however you will notice that people become more stuck in their ways (for better or worse) as they get older, and some thing they don't want to change or try to, or even want to or can...so I personally don't deal with all the "what if's", I don't think I have the power to change anyone else, especially if they don't want to or feel the need to...considering the things that can be "improved", I wouldn't try to make a asexual person more sexual for example but then again I'd have a hard time even progressing past the dating phase with that even if the emotions were compelling...but I can't say I've never made a few mistakes due to "love" but I learned from them. I think the biggest problem for people is that they need to realize that things just don't change, problems just don't go away...so if you keep pushing for that timetable of where you should be by X time in your life or in the "relationship" then your expectations are going to blind you to the reality, then you'll end up disappointed and blaming the other person for not meeting your expectations which you honestly knew full well of beforehand. Moving in with this guy is not going to make the situation better, you're not going to be able to "improve" it just because you got what you wanted or figured out a way to be less affectionate and all of that..it's going to either weigh on you or him, because you're either not getting what you need or he's not getting what he needs...personal time and space. I think the crunch is going to feel overwhelming fo r him indeed if he feels this way now and you'll be naive to think that anything will magically change that but in your mind you'll rationalize the circumstances being different so that you can proceed with what you want and then you'll go "well he wanted that too!...before" ignoring what is on the table, right now. If you can't stabilize, compromise and communicate in a way to resolve your issues now (which imo this is a major incompatibility long-term) then strap in for a lot of "ups and downs" because you guys are transitioning into real relationship mode where the things that were tolerable before are not going to be so much as time goes on, less and less so. But to be open you sound like someone that likely needs a lot of attention and validation in the relationship, rather than affection...you seem like the type of girl that might be insecure and need that reminder that he still "loves you" and is into you...if you're just affectionate though then you're just so...give him "time" to become more affectionate is laughable, that's going to be something he regrets, because he's lying to himself really just hoping that it'll change knowing it will not, plus that brings into question how strong his emotions are for you...you might have just burned him out with your overload of neediness if you are the type. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 In my relationships I need a lot of affection, sex and communication as I'm an expressive (abnormal) guy....otherwise I feel a void in myself and in the relationship, and in that respect it might feel like "I am" the "problem" but it's just incompatibility... I also need the bolded. If I am not getting it (as has often been the case) - I feel that something is not right and I start to disconnect. OP there ARE men out there who are just as warm and affectionate as you are. If I could go back in time and tell that to my younger self, it would have saved me a lot of heartache.
Dallers Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) Sorry but i dont think you're too affectionate, I think you have just picked the wrong person to be affectionate with. Bingo hand this person a medal. I have serious OCD and need my free space and completely flip out when someone is clingy or needy around me and i would say i am very anti the affection. It does not matter, because when i am with someone i really like i cannot help kissing her and wanting her attention and affection. If i acted like he did it would be simple for me, it would mean that i like having the girl and the things that come with having the girl but i am not truly into the girl. Time for a serious talk. Edited September 4, 2013 by Dallers 1
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