littleflowerpot Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 except for our friendship, we were over. i was still in love with him but we stopped the romance and tried to remain friends. that was until yesterday when he emailed me to tell me that last week his girlfriend found my cards and letters to him and she broke up with him. he's devastated and says he's trying to make things right with her although he doesn't think he'll ever get her back. as for me, well, he's not so concerned about that except to tell me that now we have to part as friends and to please try not to contact him. of course, he forgets a little too conveniently that i have told him for months that i cannot be his friend and i've asked him to say goodbye to me either in person or on the phone and he's told me over and over no, he wouldn't do that because he wanted to be in my life for the rest of my life. i guess he no longer cares about that. so while before he could have given me a little dignified closure, he now dismisses me. i guess this is what i get for being the scarlet whore. i'm thrown away like used kleenex.
izzybelle Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 lfp, i'm sorry that it's all come to this but don't beat yourself up. of course i say that knowing that my relationship with my MM ended months ago and i still routinely beat myself up about being as you said "a used kleenex." my MM tried to get out without giving me a chance for closure but i pushed for it because i know i needed to do it for me. it's still hard but i needed to have him tell me to my face. for about the first 24 hours after i felt great. i felt like i had a chance to say my piece. since then i've crashed and burned a number of times, but i did what i had to do and ultimately i know seeing him and having him tell me was best for me. it may not have been what's best for him but i really didn't care about that at that moment. i still get puzzled by the whole parting as friends but don't contact me idea. it just feels so contradictory. i've never been told to not contact him at all, and we're still sporadically in touch, but this is not my idea of friendship either. hang in there, and i'm sorry you have to go through this. it's one he** of a rollercoaster!
tiki Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 I'm sorry for your pain, lfp. Rest assured that everything will work out in the end, no matter how strenuous your struggle. You're in my thoughts.
Naive Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Hey littleflowerpot, long time no see. I'm sorry that you're going to have to start this process, but in many ways I'm sure knew since the beginning it would not last forever. He got what he deserved and hopefully you can learn from this.
Barby Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 of course, he forgets a little too conveniently that i have told him for months that i cannot be his friend and i've asked him to say goodbye to me either in person or on the phone and he's told me over and over no, he wouldn't do that because he wanted to be in my life for the rest of my life. i guess he no longer cares about that. so while before he could have given me a little dignified closure, he now dismisses me. i guess this is what i get for being the scarlet whore. i'm thrown away like used kleenex. I have to agree with Naive...you had to have known it couldn't last forever (the 3 of you). If indeed as you mention above you really wanted to end contact with him you should have done it on your own..I understand the closure thing wanting to have him say goodbye..........but since he was having you "hanging on" as a friend and wouldn't give you "closure" you should have moved on regardless.....sadly you gave him the power to do this to you. I'm sooooo sorry for your pain, I remember some of your advice, you are a really sweet person who didn't deserve this....but just keep reminding yourself that you were attempting to cut ties first, he just beat you to the punch. Obviously you're not losing much in losing him, he was a cheater, a coward obviously, and not very concerned with your feelings...honestly no one needs to have someone like that in their life.... Chin up!
KissMyTiara Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 I'm so sorry for your pain, LFP. But at least now you can really move on. I think I speak for many of us OW when I say we wish we were already in your position. Chin up, young person.
Barby Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Though I'm not an "OW" but clearly I can feel for other's pain but when you say..... I think I speak for many of us OW when I say we wish we were already in your position. How can you "wish to be in that postion" then not do anything to get yourself to that position??!! Each and every single human being has the choice to walk away or stay in the painful neverending un-resolveable position that they are in! If you chose to stay in such a situation then you shouldn't "wish for it to end" you need to MAKE it happen..... I won't hi-jack the thread but I had to respond to that comment.
Author littleflowerpot Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by Barby Though I'm not an "OW" but clearly I can feel for other's pain but when you say..... How can you "wish to be in that postion" then not do anything to get yourself to that position??!! Each and every single human being has the choice to walk away or stay in the painful neverending un-resolveable position that they are in! If you chose to stay in such a situation then you shouldn't "wish for it to end" you need to MAKE it happen..... I won't hi-jack the thread but I had to respond to that comment. i think i can answer that. because when the human heart is involved, things are very complicated. sometimes your heart and your head are not on the same page. thank you everyone for your kind words. today i'm in the rage stage and want to f**ck him in the ass. i hope she's a smart girl and finds my email address so i can tell her all the things he's lying to her about right now.
Stone Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 You are a beautiful girl, don't let some SOB bring you down you deserve someone who will treat you like a princess don't settle for less
Naive Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by littleflowerpot i hope she's a smart girl and finds my email address so i can tell her all the things he's lying to her about right now. So your feelings for him have changed now??? Would you have told her two weeks ago? Or would you still tell her if he would still want to talk to you?
Author littleflowerpot Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by Stone You are a beautiful girl, don't let some SOB bring you down you deserve someone who will treat you like a princess don't settle for less maybe i'm too jaded now but i don't think there are any good guys out there anymore. they all say they are different. they all say they'd never do this but they do.
Author littleflowerpot Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by naive_2001 So your feelings for him have changed now??? Would you have told her two weeks ago? Or would you still tell her if he would still want to talk to you? i don't know if my feelings have changed. i'm hurting and angry. i want him to hurt as much as he's hurt me. maybe i will feel differently in ten minutes. i think it's just the grief cycle.
Naive Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by littleflowerpot i don't know if my feelings have changed. i'm hurting and angry. i want him to hurt as much as he's hurt me. maybe i will feel differently in ten minutes. i think it's just the grief cycle. Belive me I know!!!!!!!!! It's just a price that OW have to face, not all, but most
Author littleflowerpot Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by naive_2001 Belive me I know!!!!!!!!! It's just a price that OW have to face, not all, but most just two minutes ago i got this: "i will call you and speak to you the right way but it will have to wait a little while, okay. i know you deserve better and i intend on fulfilling my promise to call you but just not right now. can you accept that? v." i don't know if i should answer this and if i should what i should say. i am too numb to know what to do. on one hand i believe i deserve better than the email goodbye with a request for no contact but on the other, what do i say to this?
izzybelle Posted November 17, 2004 Posted November 17, 2004 lfp, how do you want things to end? do you feel in your heart that talking to him will help or will it make things worse for you? i think we all deal with these things differently. i got a lot of advice here, at the time, to just let go, walk away and not talk to my MM anymore. i couldn't do that, there were too many loose ends and i knew i'd never be able to begin to heal without talking to him face to face. so eventually i bought a plane ticket and went to see him. i still have really, really lousy days, but i can still see his face while he tried to explain, and as much as there are times when i doubt everything, seeing the pain on his face, at least let me know it wasn't easy for him. and we're still in touch.... if you feel that you just want it to be over, don't respond. but if you feel that you need to talk for the closure you deserve then let him know that you will want to talk. as for whether it's accpetable to wait.....i'm impatient and don't deal well with unknowns and i know i'd ask for a time frame. probably wouldn't get one, but i know me and i'd ask. my thoughts are with you and i know you're strong. izzy
Naive Posted November 17, 2004 Posted November 17, 2004 Originally posted by littleflowerpot just two minutes ago i got this: "i will call you and speak to you the right way but it will have to wait a little while, okay. i know you deserve better and i intend on fulfilling my promise to call you but just not right now. can you accept that? v." i don't know if i should answer this and if i should what i should say. i am too numb to know what to do. on one hand i believe i deserve better than the email goodbye with a request for no contact but on the other, what do i say to this? He's acting like he has to call you to make himself and him feel better not like he actually wants to call you. What an A** You are right, you deserve better than that. Don't allow pity or left over crumbs from him, you are worth more than that!
KissMyTiara Posted November 17, 2004 Posted November 17, 2004 Originally posted by Barby How can you "wish to be in that postion" then not do anything to get yourself to that position??!! Each and every single human being has the choice to walk away or stay in the painful neverending un-resolveable position that they are in! If you chose to stay in such a situation then you shouldn't "wish for it to end" you need to MAKE it happen..... That's like speaking to any other addicted person. An addict wants to be free of their addiction, but they just cannot be without it. They don't know how, they haven't figured it out yet, they haven't hit bottom, they are too afraid... Originally posted by littleflowerpot i think i can answer that. because when the human heart is involved, things are very complicated. sometimes your heart and your head are not on the same page. And yes, when it comes to "love" (or what feels like it), nothing makes sense. There's no "making it happen."
Naive Posted November 17, 2004 Posted November 17, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara That's like speaking to any other addicted person. An addict wants to be free of their addiction, but they just cannot be without it. They don't know how, they haven't figured it out yet, they haven't hit bottom, they are too afraid... You gave a great example.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2004 Posted November 17, 2004 Sorry you are feeling so much pain...And yes, you need the closure to move on in your heart. Someone said this...sometimes your heart and your head are not on the same page WELL, how true is that. Half the problems in marriages, romances, IN life in general would be so much more sane if we all thought with our heads...Problem is we allow the heart to rule most of the time. I know I react from my heart mostly with everybody and at times I need to slow it down and THINK before I speak. Which is why writing is so much better for communicating purposes, you think it and then it just pours out on paper. (or monitor!) Write to him, tell him how what he did made you feel, every emotion and I mean everything, all thoughts, get it ALL OUT. You will feel so much better LFP. Keep posting! You have alot of support here as well! Hugs to you, because you need afew right now! WWIU
Author littleflowerpot Posted November 19, 2004 Author Posted November 19, 2004 thanks, ladies. you've all been wonderful. so it's been a few days since he dropped the bomb. i'm kind of numb right now. i kinda feel this isn't real. maybe that's nature's way of protecting me right now.
Mr Spock Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 If you really want to be free littleflowerpot, you'll block his emails, you'll stop taking his calls. Until you do that, you're just kidding yourself. There is NO room for friendship here.
Barby Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Great advice Spock I totally agree....being friends with someone you have intimate feelings for is next to impossible! IMHO
Author littleflowerpot Posted November 26, 2004 Author Posted November 26, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock If you really want to be free littleflowerpot, you'll block his emails, you'll stop taking his calls. Until you do that, you're just kidding yourself. There is NO room for friendship here. i'm not sure what i want at the moment besides closure if we're never gonna talk again. so no, i won't be blocking the emails and calls.
Owl Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 LFP, I have to agree with Spock as well. (please, no one fall out of their chairs! ) Unless you take active, serious measures to eliminate contact with him, you are fooling yourself. You're just putting yourself through some un-needed pain by sitting here going back and forth. And if you don't do something irrevocable to remove contact with him, you'll always be able to fall back to having him as a crutch when you're weak. Take advantage of what has happened, and use your hurt and pain to do something for yourself here. You know darn well that there is nothing good about this unhealthy relationship you have had with him up to this point. Parts of it may have felt wonderful, but overall you know its not going to end in any way that you will all be happy. It just can't. So, now's your chance. You know that he's not going to be honest, to you or his wife. You can never really trust him after all of this...so why stay with him?? You're hurting right now. So, deal with a slightly bigger hurt now to avoid that major catastrophe hurt you will be facing later. Break off contact with him completely. Heal up a bit, and look for a healthy relationship with someone who is single, who hasn't cheated like this guy has. Someone you can trust in the future. Now is your chance. What you do with it will affect your future, so sieze the moment! You might not be able to control your heart...but you don't have to let your heart control YOU. Let your head make some of the decisions in your life as well...that's why you've got a brain.
whichwayisup Posted November 29, 2004 Posted November 29, 2004 But she can't move on without some sort of closure! I know most guys HATE that word CLOSURE....But it's true. I am with you on this one Flower! I remember when a guy dumped me and I never got closure. Bugged the s*** outta me until I got it...And I had to chase him DOWN to get my closure. Atleast I got to say what I wanted to say OUT to him and we had a final goodbye, have a nice life type of thing.
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