AprilnCali Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) Background info: My husband dated x back in college. They broke up and 2 years later we started dating. At first I was OK with them being friends, and we would all hang out together, but then she started making comments about how she could hook him up with other women right in front of me. I found out they would also compare where they had sex to where we had sex, my husband (then boyfriend) would call her to complain about me when we got into a fight and whenever he had some exciting news he would share it with her first. Their friendship and emotional infidelity was a constant source of our fights. Fast forward several years later, we got married and had a child together. she emailed me while I was pregnant to tell me I had no right to get pregnant by my husband and that I should get an abortion, ugh! When i told my husband what she did he said he couldn't control what she did, yet remained friends with her. When our son was 2 I found out that they were calling/texting each other up to 8-9 times per day. When he got home from work that day, I told him I was leaving because I wouldn't play second fiddle to her any longer and that I deserved to be the one and only woman in his life. He promised me that he wouldn't have any contact with her again. He called her and told her never to contact him again. He then told me he would need "time to grieve the loss of his best friend." A few months later, he broke that promise to me by calling her for a shoulder to cry on after his grandmother died (and hid it from me). He had no other contact with his x for 2 years afterwards until we got into a heated argument. They had an hour long telephone conversation, and then "friended" each other on Facebook. When I found out about this, I demanded he cease contact with her. He refused, so I told him I was leaving because they had a history of inappropriate contact. This eventually led to us going to therapy and then him cutting off contact with her for good. They have not had contact with each other for over a year, but here is my problem: my husband's sibling are still facebook "friends" with his x (they friended her when my husband did when he and I were fighting). They know their inappropriate relationship was a source of a lot of our problems and they also know my husband has no contact with her. I could care less if they remain friends with her because that is their prerogative but my problem is they will engage this x in conversation and then tag my husbands in the conversation, too trying to get my husband to talk to her or they will talk about him and our life with her. How do I handle my husband's family being so rude. Again, I don't care if his sibling and the x talk. I just want them to leave my husband out of it! What would you do? Edited September 4, 2013 by AprilnCali
Silly_Girl Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Why can't you and he block her on FB? The (thick-skinned, dumb-ass) family will soon give up when they see there's zero point in attempting to engage him and her simultaneously. She'll not be able to see his posts so it'll just be really hard work if anyone/they were trying to promote contact. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 How do I handle my husband's family being so rude. Again, I don't care if his sibling and the x talk. I just want them to leave my husband out of it! I think you made a typo, you meant to say "how does MY HUSBAND handle his family...", right ??? If he went to them and said "this is personally offensive and hurting my marriage", I'd guess they'd cease contact. Has he done so? Mr. Lucky 3
Author AprilnCali Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 You are absolutely right, Forum Lurker. He is the problem. And I'm part of it for letting him continue to treat me like this. Mr. Lucky, I said how do "I" handle it because with our issues with his family in the past, he either refuses to talk to them at all about it - saying I just "need to get over it" or he denies that it's a problem. Only once has he confronted his sibling on their behavior but he made sure to tell them I was making him say these things. Then they ignored me. And then my husband was mad at me for not taking this issue with his sibling to him myself. I guess I just have to bite the bullet and truly put down boundaries with all parties and let them know I'm not a doormat and I am no longer willing to allow myself to be treated like this.
Mailman Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 In my opinion, you have to almost cut ties with a family member's ex. Or cut ties completely if there are no kids. If there are kids, that's a different story, but your relationship should only revolve around the kids. Anyway, that story sucks. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I guess I just have to bite the bullet and truly put down boundaries with all parties and let them know I'm not a doormat and I am no longer willing to allow myself to be treated like this. Without your husband's backing or at least participation, how would you do that? I'd guess they already know how you feel and simply don't care. Your problem is a lot closer to home than your in-laws and your anger seems mostly misdirected. Given what you've said, that your husband would have had ongoing contact - either directly or through his family - with this Fatal Attraction whackjob is inexplicable. It would seem that therapy would again be a good setting in which this could be discussed... Mr. Lucky
freestyle Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I think your H heeds some serious rewiring done on his empathy chip. He's treating you as if your feelings aren't valid, when you have a very legitimate right to feel as you do. His behavior is like that of a petulant child, and his family isn't helping. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. 1
Nyla Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 It looks like your husband and his family are choosing his ex over you, which is dreadfully inappropriate. It is clear that your husband still has feelings for his ex, especially if he allowed her to disrespect you as his wife. What kind of man lets his ex get away with telling his WIFE she has no right to be pregnant with is kid? The fact that your husband still stayed friends with her after that comment is a huge red flag, along with the way he broke no contact. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a physical affair as well. Your husband needs to deal with his family and stand up for you. Maybe you will need to separate from him so that he knows you are serious. Your husband doesn't seem to care about your feelings and that is very bad for your marriage. 2
todreaminblue Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 i am friends with my exes family, i am friends with my ex we have kids together.......we talk frequently.......i understand why you feel upset........and if i had a a partner and eh was upset ...i would cease contact i could not avoid talking to my ex we discuss the kids i would talk in my partners presence if need be.........but...i would keep it to kids and no personal discussion...you have a right as a current gf to feel insecure with contact.....i will say when you are close to someone and have shared history there is always a risk of passion reigniting.......if you are with someone you do what you can to make sure this doesn't happen and that partner you are with is secure.......i would not spend time with my most recent ex....because our relationship was extremely passionate when we were together and my ex rings just as i am writing this to ask how i am feeling........yes he is with someone you have a right to feel secure and comfortable in your relationship and for your partner to respect that and do what is necessary to make you feel secure....deb 1
MissBee Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 (edited) She's not your problem, your husband is. The first sign of trouble and off he goes, running to his little 'friend' to cry on her shoulder. What is he - 13 years old? Jesus. It's like you're in this vicious cycle - you hit a rough spot, he goes running off to sneakily contact her, you find out about it and threaten to leave (but never do), he cuts contact with her and then a year or 3 later, the cycle repeats itself all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat. He seems to have no trouble at all disrespecting you over and over and over - and allowing his family to disrespect you, as well. And his family isn't your problem - HE is. He feels no need at all to show any loyalty to you by telling them to stop disrespecting YOU and his marriage. None, whatsoever. If he's not going to demand respect for you or your place in his life with his family, they're just going to continue with this behavior - with his obvious approval. I agree. I am surprised that the family is to blame here when it is clear they follow your husband's lead. You have given us a history of an ongoing inappropriate relationship/emotionally infidelity with his ex where he constantly disrespects you by using her as a source of comfort, having inappropriate conversations, allowing her to send you rude messages etc. His family simply follows suit, as the normal thing in a relationship is that your husband wouldn't have had such a relationship with this woman and would also check his family if they tried to engage her...but he doesn't do it, so they see no reason not to do it, as he is fine with it and doesn't ask them to stop or put his foot down. Overall everyone shows you little respect and it starts with your husband. I think your anger is misdirected. Your husband sets the tone for your relationship and also sets the tone for how his family treats you. In-law relationships can be tricky, but your husband is the one who should mediate between you and his family and he doesn't and again, he is the one who has this weird relationship with his ex and so his family simply follows suit with how he behaves. Your husband should be the one asking his family to stop tagging him with the ex...but he's not...you are. You should really think about this and address this issue OP...frankly, I'd have never married him, as he has always made his ex more important than you and so has his family, and nothing changed after you got married, except now you're trying to monitor his actions and you're saying he no longer speaks with her and he promised he wouldn't...but it just seems like a hopeless case of: your husband isn't the one choosing this, you are the one forcing it and he is halfheartedly going along with it, so it's an uphill battle with him and his family as the truth is, based on his ongoing behavior and this situation, he is not as invested in having them respect you or cutting off his ex as you are...and that' s the problem. Edited September 6, 2013 by MissBee 2
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