CBKBM Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 If you really truly love someone, can you actually "unlove" them? Is it that you fall out of love, or rather that you fall out of infatuation, intimacy, communication, core values, interests, etc.? Being in love but ultimately incompatible for valid reasons? I buy that. "I love you but I'm not in love with you"? I wonder if that isn't an excuse or catchall for a dumpee who doesn't wanted to (or can't) do the soul searching necessary to identify an actual problem. And while I'm in my love philosophy questioning mode... When you get to a rough patch in a relationship, how do you determine if its time to quit or worth it to push through? I'm finding that there's a very fine line between throwing in the towel prematurely vs. letting something die naturally and fighting for the relationship vs. putting off the inevitable. I imagine that everyone who's in a LTR eventually has doubts about whether or not the relationship is right, and when you come to those crossroads, what makes you push on versus give up? When I've posed that question to friends, it seems that half regret continuing on ("I should have ended the relationship years ago, and now the breakup is 100x worse") and the other half are grateful ("Things weren't going very well and I had my doubts, but I'm so glad I stayed in the relationship. We're getting married next month, and if I had ended things, it would have been the worst mistake of my life.") Discuss?
Misfortune Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I feel it's a cop out. Every fallen out of love story I've encountered, all have one thing in common, someone is having an affair. Most of these people claim all of this "I'm happy, I've fallen out of love, yada yada yada" but never seem to leave until they have someone else to latch on to. They tell they're sob stories about nothing in their relationship could be fixed, how they tried so hard to make things work and whatnots. They need this cop out to justify they're wrong doings. Relationships aren't worth it to me anymore in this day and age. All this technology makes being unfaithful, falling out of love, GIGS, feeling like you don't need to fight for a relationship when things get rough because you can always find another, too easy. Everything is disposable and replaceable. There's a label for everything so people always seem to be able to justify their BS instead of taking responsibility for their actions. No one wants to work for anything, they always see they're "soulmates" in whoever smiles at/flatter them. 9
Misfortune Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Yes. I've been in love with people, and then I've been not in love with them. Does it happen instantly? Who knows? But most of the time, they've felt that way for a while, concealed it from you whilst they sort themselves out, and then broken up with you. You get blindsided because they sorted it out in their own head before clueing you in, You don't 'fall in love' and then that's it, you love them forever. Love waxes and wanes. It's better for someone not willing to work on a relationship to set you free, so that you can pursue someone who will. It'd be great if people set you free without adding insult to injury. I dislike people who set up brand new lives for themselves while deceiving the person that they're with. I dislike that most don't end the relationship until they've found someone else to latch onto. You get blindsided and they stroll off happily into the sunset because they're were well prepared for it all. 2
Sparkle304 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 It'd be great if people set you free without adding insult to injury. I dislike people who set up brand new lives for themselves while deceiving the person that they're with. I dislike that most don't end the relationship until they've found someone else to latch onto. You get blindsided and they stroll off happily into the sunset because they're were well prepared for it all. I DEFINITELY AGREE WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From experience, I loved someone dearly but was not in love with them. Basically, IMO that means I loved and cared about him, but the passion, the spark, the intensity and intimacy (all those things that make you a couple) had faded away. For some people, that's fine and they go on to have healthy relationships. For me, it wasn't enough.
melell Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I think it is a legit concept, but completely dependent on the persons perception of love.
Misfortune Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 No break up is pretty and no reason will make you feel better. No polite explaination will make you go "Wow, that was the best break up ever. I feel awesome!" Sh*t happens. I didn't say break up is pretty or easy. I just said that I dislike insult being added to injury. If you're unhappy, leave without being cheater, liar and disrespectful to that person. 2
Misfortune Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 The OP did not mention cheating, lying, or being disrespectful. They mentioned falling out of love. OP asked whether its a cop out or not. I gave my opinion that it is a cop out and went on to explain my reasoning. MY opinion included all of those things. I stated my dislikes You quoted my post I responded to your statements after that rather than the OPs Struck a nerve?
tart6245 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I'm not sure if falling out of love exists or whether it's other factors that cause us to look past love. I remember when my ex and I split a few years ago. We had been long distance for a while after we graduated undergrad. We were both starting new grad schools and all the stresses that came with it. She claimed when we broke up that she was falling out of love. About 6 months later, after we had healed and could talk again like adults, she told me that it was more stress of a new environment and not having me there that did it. So who knows. I think it's more of a copout to explain away the real issues.
Trying2MakeIt Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Folks use excuses to justify there behaviors. Many Relationships these days arent true. The truth is that a relationship isnt just about butterflies or that warm fuzzy feeling you get. Thats initial infatuation . A true relationship is about hard work. Its about knowing that person youre speaking to has your back when no one in the world will. Its about knowing despite how screwed up you know you are; they adore you anyway. They dont care whether you are 40 lbs or 400lbs, they see the beauty in you. Not that you are perfect or without faults, its because they treasure and respect you despite of the fact. They are willing to bring to the table emotionally what you are . They bring out the best in you because when youre with them you want to be better. See in life, yes it is about passion, intimacy, and romance.....yet when that real world hits you, its about going to sleep at night knowing that person who is the last person you think about, wouldnt think about leaving you alone. 8
lonegirl Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Have different opinions about this. I've lived two situations in life... first one, I was married and we both came to a point the love we had for each other was more like a friendship. Was very easy to recognize the "in love" state wasn't there for both of us, so was very easy to move on. Still love him tho, He's an amazing person and will always have a special place in my heart (he was my best friend and we stopped talking because he found a new girlfriend and didn't want to mess things between them). Second one, I was forced to break up still in love... is terrible to force yourself to forget someone. I can easily see the difference now as it seems something in our mind seems to never turns off. I use to describe the feeling as a dark empty room in which you wanna try to sleep, but there's an annoying candle flickering on the corner. Sometimes the sollution is just turn your body to the other side, put your arm over your eyes to blind the light totally and try to sleep. I don't know, always thought I will love a person forever if i imagine myself receiving the news they just died... with both my exes i'm pretty sure I would cry my eyes out. This doesn't mean I wanna live or share my life with them.
tart6245 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Folks use excuses to justify there behaviors. Many Relationships these days arent true. The truth is that a relationship isnt just about butterflies or that warm fuzzy feeling you get. Thats initial infatuation . A true relationship is about hard work. Its about knowing that person youre speaking to has your back when no one in the world will. Its about knowing despite how screwed up you know you are; they adore you anyway. They dont care whether you are 40 lbs or 400lbs, they see the beauty in you. Not that you are perfect or without faults, its because they treasure and respect you despite of the fact. They are willing to bring to the table emotionally what you are . They bring out the best in you because when youre with them you want to be better. See in life, yes it is about passion, intimacy, and romance.....yet when that real world hits you, its about going to sleep at night knowing that person who is the last person you think about, wouldnt think about leaving you alone. Yes. The problem is, so many relationships these days are ONLY about the love story. When things get difficult, they end quickly. "Falling out of love" is thrown around far too often. You were never in love in the first place most of the time. You were in lust or had an infatuation with someone, especially if the relationship had only been a few months. 4
Misfortune Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Not at all. But your reasonings are confined to someone doing wrong in the context of the relationship. I agree, there is no point cheating or lying with regard to ending a relationship. Just be upfront. Certainly, breaking up is quicker if one just gets it all out. But if a person does, legitimately, fall out of love with a person, that is not a bad thing. That is not a punishable thing. That is simply a human condition. It is not a cop out, it is just one of many reasons. Probably, one of the more honest ones, actually. If anything, it is your nerves that are exposed. cop-out also cop·out (kpout) n. Slang 1. A failure to fulfill a commitment or responsibility or to face a difficulty squarely. 2. A person who fails to fulfill a commitment or responsibility. 3. An excuse for inaction or evasion. The concept of falling out of love isn't a cop out, people using it disingenuously is a cop out. I don't even understand how a relationship is an "us" thing until someone wants out. It then becomes a "me" thing, where one person makes the decision that they believe is best for the whole without consulting the other. It's almost as if they're trying to take the easy way out by having no opposing opinions. Jumping right into another relationship to avoid dealing with the way your emotions, is a cop out. The relationship could've ran it's course perfectly until, one person realizes they're not feeling the relationship anymore and either tries to recover those feelings or leave respectfully; that's fine. When you come to the "I'm done" realization then proceed to say nothing, do nothing to fix it and don't leave until you've lined up all your affairs to make things peachy for you afterwards; that is a cop out. You took the easy way out; not trying your best is a cop out. You also made sure you have a new source of happiness so that you won't have to deal with the aftermath and you leave the other person to suffer by themselves. Saying nothing until you've reached the point of no return, is a cop out. You waited until you're completely unwilling to try before saying anything so that you won't have to work on the relationship. Don't think that not cheating means you didn't take the easy way out. Even if you fell out of love with me, how can I believe that knowing that you had someone else lined up? How would the dumpee not view that as a cop out? How can I believe you didn't leave because things got rough and you found someone else, because you didn't want to try to work on us? That is insult to injury. If you legitimately fall out of love---legitimately end it. I'm not "punishing" you for not loving me anymore, I'm "punishing" you for not being honest. I'm "punishing" you because you plotted to have me suffer alone, while you're out living the new life that you built while deceiving me. I'm "punishing" you because you took something genuine and twisted it to suit your selfish needs. It's not an honest thing anymore once it gets to that point. If you think my nerves are bothered because we have different views, more power to you. 1
hurts2death Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 wow thats an answer i cant agree moreI feel it's a cop out. Every fallen out of love story I've encountered, all have one thing in common, someone is having an affair. Most of these people claim all of this "I'm happy, I've fallen out of love, yada yada yada" but never seem to leave until they have someone else to latch on to. They tell they're sob stories about nothing in their relationship could be fixed, how they tried so hard to make things work and whatnots. They need this cop out to justify they're wrong doings. Relationships aren't worth it to me anymore in this day and age. All this technology makes being unfaithful, falling out of love, GIGS, feeling like you don't need to fight for a relationship when things get rough because you can always find another, too easy. Everything is disposable and replaceable. There's a label for everything so people always seem to be able to justify their BS instead of taking responsibility for their actions. No one wants to work for anything, they always see they're "soulmates" in whoever smiles at/flatter them.
hurts2death Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Misfortune i am reading your posts with my mouth open we cant agree more.. really it is exactly what i believe too... we have the same point here.... that thing with honesty is so bad they avoided the truth they turned everything to feed themeselfs even our dreams.......our everyday life became a lie and they were not honest enough to speak when they should it would have been sooooooo easy soooo better sooooo HONEST... for me it is also like cheating and deceiving........
Grumpybutfun Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Love is an action, a verb. You love someone because you choose to. When someone stops, it is because they choose for it to stop for whatever reasons. Most of the time it is tedium, or they found someone they want to extend this love to more or they find the other person hard to get along with as problems arise. People who stay in marriages or long term commitments both decide everyday that they want to love the other person. They choose love over being free, starting over, finding someone new to love. 1
Mint Sauce Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 it is a cop-out when it's used as a reason to end a relationship, even if it is true. Nobody stays "in love" for decades. Ergo no relationship should last decades? Of course that's BS. "In love" should be replaced by love over the years. Hence, to me, the line "I'm not in love with you anymore", even if true, is most often irrelevant. People genuinely using that line have attachment issues, they don't grow actual love/attachment, so when the "in love" feeling wears off, there's nothing deeper to follow up. 3
Trying2MakeIt Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) Through my observation and meditation: There is no such thing as falling out of love. There is a thing called falling out of a commitment. There is a thing called falling out of emotion. Love is not or never will be about emotion. Emotion is a by-product that can come from loving someone. Its a spiritual and bonding connection. Love is a connection that goes beyond friendship yet transcends it. For example. You may have a man who has been with his wife for 40 years ( I know hard to imagine in these if it doesnt work Im out days). Yet he shows his wife he loves her not by flowers or dinner, yet by fixing that old sewing machine she loved or restoring that old heirloom she thought was lost forever. So does he not love her? of course. Just as a person who does dinner and flowers could truly love there partner. The issue is that once we have gone beyond the flirting, infatuation, and dating phase many of us look for that initial rush again. We want it back. So instead of looking deep inside of what is actually being built, that bond we claimed we always adorn for. Or even working hard to re-spark that emotion, we become distant. When we dont have it or its not rekindled due to real life and building a foundation together; we write it off as falling out of love. The summary is that true not all relationships last forever. For whatever reason folks split and go separate ways. Yet someone who truly loves you, and the key words is "truly love you". They will always do in some compassion. It doesnt mean that you or they dont go on. Your "Emotion" for them or for you may subside, yet the "Love" you have for them, if it was truly there, will remain inside. That why using the words I Love You is a powerful thing....and not to be taking so lightly and freely Edited September 4, 2013 by Trying2MakeIt 2
Mint Sauce Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Feelings disappear sadly, sometimes seemingly out of thin air, other times because that person has done enough to you to supersede all romantic feeling. I agree that romantic feelings can disappear, but romantic feelings are not required to love someone. Between mother and child, there are no romantic feelings, and the attachment (if healthily formed) is just about unbreakable. I'm not sure romantic feelings can last uninterrupted for decades. I'm sure most elderly couples who are still married have been through periods without romantic feelings, but still strong love, or in the very practical sense: no desire to kiss the other person, but great compassion with his/her suffering e.g. in case of illness. I think that in a LTR/marriage, the disappearance of romantic feelings is not a sufficient reason for break-up. 2
KCCK Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 my gf of 2 years can suddenly tell me, "i dont love you anymore, the feeling just disappeared and now i had fallen and love someone else" ... what I can say is the feeling of love was never deep and never true... it hurts but nothing much I can do... 2
NvrLetUDown Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I'm a little over a month of NC and honestly, this thread has put a new perspective on how I saw things with my ex. We dated for almost 2 years and i was blindsided by the BU. I haven't seen or talked to her so I don't know if she is talking to another guy but I used to stress and worry over this kind of stuff. I can now proudly say that I gave it my all and my feelings were real and true so I have nothing to be ashamed of. I've had some nice girls talk to me lately, and although I do not want a relationship at the moment, it's nice to know I am doing something right and there are people out there showing interest in me. She may or may not realize what she has lost but she let someone amazing slip through her fingers because she wanted to be single and "have fun". A bit off topic but I wanted to show my gratitude for reading this thread ! To those who were "fallen out of love with" you are an amazing person and deserve someone who's willing to put work in the relationship once the "in love" stages subsides. Continue to work on yourself and be happy because there are people out there who YOU inspire and make happy as well! 2
hurts2death Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 same situation as mine..... tough things we get through... i hope they realize what they lostI'm a little over a month of NC and honestly, this thread has put a new perspective on how I saw things with my ex. We dated for almost 2 years and i was blindsided by the BU. I haven't seen or talked to her so I don't know if she is talking to another guy but I used to stress and worry over this kind of stuff. I can now proudly say that I gave it my all and my feelings were real and true so I have nothing to be ashamed of. I've had some nice girls talk to me lately, and although I do not want a relationship at the moment, it's nice to know I am doing something right and there are people out there showing interest in me. She may or may not realize what she has lost but she let someone amazing slip through her fingers because she wanted to be single and "have fun". A bit off topic but I wanted to show my gratitude for reading this thread ! To those who were "fallen out of love with" you are an amazing person and deserve someone who's willing to put work in the relationship once the "in love" stages subsides. Continue to work on yourself and be happy because there are people out there who YOU inspire and make happy as well!
Misfortune Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Wow, you're projecting your break-up onto me there, a bit. Chill. I reckon we're answering two different questions here. The OP asked 'Is the reason "I've fallen out of love with you" a cop out?' In essence, no. People fall out of love all the time. It's becoming more common amongst long term marriages, actually - last kid flies the coop, and the married parents suddenly have nothing to keep them together and they fall apart. Is it used as a cop out excuse to mask the real reason? Here is where I have my doubts. Because every other relationship break up excuse ("I want to find myself/I need to focus on my career/I'm not ready for a relationship") are all code for "I don't really love you as much as you love me." Which essentially, is a rewording of "I have fallen out of love with you." See? As for having something else lined up before breaking up with someone - that's not a punishable offence. Some people like to be single after a break up, to reinvest in things that might have been neglected in the fog of love. I'm like that. Others don't like to be alone, which is why they have an exit strategy in place. But essentially, they don't have to have some sort of respectful 'mourning period' post-relationship. You don't have to have a mandatory single period before the next hook-up. They've fallen out of love with YOU. Not fallen out of love with the idea of a new relationship. In any case, whatever anger and resentment you're holding onto, is not working for you. You jumped down my throat the second I disagreed with you. It might be time to stop punishing your ex and let it go. I already let go. I wasn't speaking about me or "you" as in you specifically.
Ireallydontknow Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 As for having something else lined up before breaking up with someone - that's not a punishable offence. Wait what? So it's cool to go boyfriend hunting while stringing someone along? I want to freaking kill my ex for doing that to me. Her reason? "I'm not in love with you anymore, but I still love you." YEAH RIGHT! I think it's cowardice in it's purest form. 1
Ireallydontknow Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Probably. But whatever. It happens a lot. People hate being alone, I think. Me personally, I'm too Zen to care. I wouldn't do it, and I'm the type that doesn't 'fight' for a relationship once someone wants out. When I'm IN it, yes. If they express a desire to leave, I let them go. How they do it, or don't do it, is not going to make the bust-up any easier to endure. I'd rather an ex did a number and made it easy to hate them. It makes breaking up so much easier... I'm not sure. I want to hate her but something keeps me from it. I mean you don't feel robbed of time or your life? I feel robbed in the greatest sense. All so someone doesn't have to be lonely? Also zen and hate don't work well together?
KCCK Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Wait what? So it's cool to go boyfriend hunting while stringing someone along? I want to freaking kill my ex for doing that to me. Her reason? "I'm not in love with you anymore, but I still love you." YEAH RIGHT! I think it's cowardice in it's purest form. I totally agree, it's cowardice in it's purest form... my ex of 2 years went behind my back for other guy she just barely met for 2 weeks.. I was furious when i found out and i told my friends she was having an affair.. my ex can suddenly text me and have the guts to ask me to keep quiet and dont make her reputation go bad, claiming it was not wrong to find other guy as she no longer love me but the thing is she did it during the relationship and the moment she found someone, she dump me...
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