DemetersHarvest Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Is the (slow) fade really all that common in the age group of 40-50+? I'm new to dating, and have been exploring dating sites a little. In fact, met up with a gentleman, and the event seemed rather positive. During and after the time together, he asked for a repeat, and would be looking forward to that, which I welcomed. Several days later, after I had e-mailed him, and sent a rather short and casual text message, to which I got no response, I received an e-mail that indicated that he e-mailed me, he has not heard from me, and that he would like to know about my plans for being in his area again. So I wrote back and laid out my plans to visit the area next week, in addition to using an e-mail address on the same domain as his, and sealed the deal with a voicemail, just in case (with an apology should he get all the messages). No response. Waited another four days or so, and left one final voicemail for him today. No response. He has also been busy, which I have been considering. Now I'm wondering if I overdid the attempts at communication. I was hoping for an "I got your message" kind of deal. If he is no longer interested, did he not know this last week? Why his request for me to write him? Which makes the fade even more cruel and juvenile, IMO. I'm a grown-up, and have lived through things far worse than early dating rejection, as most of us in this age group have. I could handle a "you're not my type". Why bother asking for another date, or follow-up e-mail requests? It's like bait and switch. Not only that, but while I know that my ISP is hypervigilant, and as a result, e-mails don't come and go as they should sometimes, tech failure at that bandwidth is generally rare, IMO. I feel a bit like an idiot for having given him so much benefit of the doubt. I've been faded on. By a middle-aged man, after his invite for a repeat date, and a request to e-mail him since he had not heard from me. A fade on its own is unpleasant, but these confounders just confuse the hell out of me. Any thoughts, other than the obvious (online dating sucks, and it's a numbers game?). Is fading really all that common in the more seasoned population?
HappyLove Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Welcome to the fade! People are just flat out disgusting and rude. They promise you things but they are liars! One guy who faded on me was 43. I didn't see it coming he begged ME to date him. Just be happy you didn't invest any real time into the jerk. I've learned you can't listen to what people tell you you have to listen and learn from their ACTIONS. They can tell you ANYTHING. Give time to get to know someone, then invest in them. I've had men promise the world, all their idea btw, and then go poof. Don't believe it till you see it! 1
henderson14 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I just got a fade (online dating also). Another victim of the cruel online dating world. As if regular dating wasn't bad enough.
It's Just Me Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Fade = not interested. Move on. Don't invest emotional time/brain space after the first few dates. It happens.
Author DemetersHarvest Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 In hindsight, he must have been a flake. I'm not really the clingy type, but I value say what you do, and do as you say. Straight forward, no drama, and reliable. And I disagree with the school of thought that says after a date or two, you don't owe them anything, so the fade is ok. True, there are no obligations, but misleading someone is never acceptable, regardless of how many times you met. Inviting someone for another meeting when you know you are not going to follow through is plain mean and cruel, and much, much worse than "it was nice meeting you, but I don't feel it". Anyone with a semblance of social competence will understand, and value the candor. I know that many have ranted on this issue before me, but tonight is my time. I'll come out of it stronger and wiser. 3
HappyLove Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Exactly! That's what I learned from my last fade. We went out during the day HE wanted to meet up that night again so of course I wouldn't think anything was wrong, we just had a great movie outing. And poof nowhere to be found wouldn't answer phone calls. But found him online next day. I don't even get why a person would be so stupid. Was there some worldwide memo given to douchebags on the how to do fading? Why is this so common now? I feel much better though knowing I'm not the only one and learning not to be so open. And guess what I hope to God it never happens again but I'll just shrug my shoulders and keep it moving, no point driving myself crazy over some loser. I should actually thank him for preventing me from getting into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable psycho!
BeholdtheMan Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 One guy who faded on me was 43. I didn't see it coming he begged ME to date him. JMaybe he developed a sense of dignity and decided he didn't want to date someone he had to beg for a date
HappyLove Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Maybe he developed a sense of dignity and decided he didn't want to date someone he had to beg for a date He really didn't have to beg, I liked him, he did it anyway.
Author DemetersHarvest Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) Ok, trying to learn from this, although I generally have pretty good antennae for other people, and a reasonably well-developed BS detector. He was just skilled. What I am not very familiar with at this point, due to lack of exposure is online dating etiquette. In his case, he would not reveal his first name until we actually met, although I did introduce myself. He also did not want to e-mail, or have an occasional phone call. Ok, the latter I get, because I am big on body language in social interactions myself, and prefer face-to-face over long e-mail blather. But the name thing was a bit of a concern for me. Is that common? Also, I kept getting the sense that I was being tested for some reason. In his profile, and during the meeting, things revolved around a profession he chose to leave over a decade ago, but still seems to revel in its glory. It permeated the conversation like it was some sort of character trait of his, rather than a profession, which he may use to impress other women. Being of the same field, though, I was rather puzzled, and observant. Dasein posted something to a forum member some time ago which I found very reasonable, and actually share. He wrote: "I disagree with those who say he is necessarily dating others. OP you have just described what it would be like dating me in the first couple of months, after much much dating experience over many years, I've learned not to build false intimacy with contact between early dates, to conduct most of the getting to know face to face, not to put my social life and schedule aside at all in the first couple of months with a new woman. Have learned that romance builds with a bit of absence, and it's not for gamey purpose, but because I enjoy the building anticipation also. Have learned especially that women who start freaking out over too little contact in the early going are very bad bets for me, and so use the early dates as a gauge for that. Have learned that relationships that heat up too much in the first month tend to implode just as quickly due to not having any kind of measured foundation. Anyway, this guy sounds like a keeper so far to me, sending the right signals and doing so in a measured pace. Good luck." Edited September 4, 2013 by DemetersHarvest
HappyLove Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Those were all red flags that could of helped you figure out he was a flake. No name until you met? I never heard something so ridiculous. Boasting about how it USED to be, no email, no phone call. Red flags would have been waving BIG TIME! Most of us who have met flakes can look back and see where me missed some signs. Those were crazy though!
salparadise Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 In hindsight, he must have been a flake. I'm not really the clingy type, but I value say what you do, and do as you say. Straight forward, no drama, and reliable. And I disagree with the school of thought that says after a date or two, you don't owe them anything, so the fade is ok. Perhaps your expectations haven't yet been lowered sufficiently for the online dating environment. I had many of the same thoughts and feelings at first but realized that I had to develop thicker skin, keep investment low and don't take rejection personally. Most online daters keep multiple options in play until one emerges from the fray as a potential keeper. In online dating, especially in the 40-50+ age group, the supply-demand changes and the guys have options too. Having many options changes a lot more than people realize. Watch this Ted Talk video and think about how it applies to online dating. The Paradox of Choice I don't like it either–– how it affects me or how it affects the women I'd like to date. But villainizing those who fade as no-good flakes doesn't fix it and it doesn't make me feel any better about myself. The only real advice I can offer is to understand that how we feel is a result of how we think. And thinking has its genesis in beliefs. Believing that near strangers from online dating will always treat you with the respect and consideration that friends, family and coworkers do is bound to result in hurt feelings. 1
HappyLove Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Perhaps your expectations haven't yet been lowered sufficiently for the online dating environment. I had many of the same thoughts and feelings at first but realized that I had to develop thicker skin, keep investment low and don't take rejection personally. Most online daters keep multiple options in play until one emerges from the fray as a potential keeper. In online dating, especially in the 40-50+ age group, the supply-demand changes and the guys have options too. Having many options changes a lot more than people realize. Watch this Ted Talk video and think about how it applies to online dating. The Paradox of Choice I don't like it either–– how it affects me or how it affects the women I'd like to date. But villainizing those who fade as no-good flakes doesn't fix it and it doesn't make me feel any better about myself. The only real advice I can offer is to understand that how we feel is a result of how we think. And thinking has its genesis in beliefs. Believing that near strangers from online dating will always treat you with the respect and consideration that friends, family and coworkers do is bound to result in hurt feelings. You made some great points. So when do you suggest it's safe to believe what these near strangers have to say? Men are fading out on women they've gone on several dates with. And it's not that it hurts because they aren't interested. It hurts because they just leave with nothing said.
salparadise Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 You made some great points. So when do you suggest it's safe to believe what these near strangers have to say? Men are fading out on women they've gone on several dates with. And it's not that it hurts because they aren't interested. It hurts because they just leave with nothing said. It's not just men that do it, people do it. I don't think of it as an egregious affront to my personhood. It's simply the least uncomfortable way for people to move along when the connection was not what they were hoping for. They fade rather than having to explain their reasoning. Usually it's nothing more than lack of motivation to keep dating, as opposed to anything very specific... possibly combined with attractive options to investigate. When do I think it's safe to believe what people say? It's highly variable and depends on the individuals. One or two dates is too early to be having expectations unless there was extraordinary connection and it was mutually expressed. I can't put a number on it... whenever it's understood that a relationship has begun as opposed to just a date or two. I think it's reasonable to go on a date or two and not continue without having to justify it.
soccerrprp Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Is the (slow) fade really all that common in the age group of 40-50+? I've been faded on. By a middle-aged man, after his invite for a repeat date, and a request to e-mail him since he had not heard from me. A fade on its own is unpleasant, but these confounders just confuse the hell out of me. Any thoughts, other than the obvious (online dating sucks, and it's a numbers game?). Is fading really all that common in the more seasoned population? Yup, happens in the 40-50+ age groups as well. I'm 44 and though I have not been a victim or perpetrator of the fade, I understand that it happens readily enough. I believe it has less to do with age groups than the level of comfort in the current world of dating. The use of technology, OLD, etc. I have always verbally (or by email/text if dated only a couple of less times) communicated whether things were working out or not, but that's me. It's so much easier simply to disappear. Our society, as a whole, has become less comfortable with face-to-face exchange and especially if it's an uncomfortable subject. Fading is not an OLD thing. I have had very good success with OLD and never met a woman who wasn't (as far as I know) up-front and open to communicating. No first name? Crazy. I ALWAYS request a conversation over the phone before meeting. I want to know what and how they respond in real-time, what they sound like, get a better sense of who they are.
Mr.Mango Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 The fade happens to everyone it seems. I'm in my 20's and most people I know my age accept it as constant element in the dating world. Expanding on what soccerrprp said about being able to disappear, it's totally true! With people my age it's simply atrocious, since it's a given that 99% of us are tapped into technology at least a few times a day. The whole: "I didn't get around to seeing my messages" or "Didn't have time to respond" is usually a crap excuse. The real underlying issue, in my opinion, is that there is no consequence for this social behavior. The positive affect this has is that it makes weeding through people extremely easy. People now, more than ever, act exactly how they want. So no need to have major doubts over people. In most cases we act how we are. 1
HappyLove Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I will say that my 43 yr old fade did contact me a month later out of nowhere with a text saying he's sorry not right to ignore and the distance was a lot he really wanted more and he was thinking about me. Mind you he never mentioned any of this while dating. I gladly ignored him right back! I was over him by then. Actually the way he did things helped me to get over him faster, I was already on to the next. Now maybe if he had some class and ended things like a man I could have understood but I'm a big believer that everything happens the way it should, so no regrets. At the time I expected much better from him but it only made me stronger and wiser so really I could thank him.
Suziee Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I consider it a character flaw that a person has to do the fade instead of being upfront and telling the other person that he/she is not interested. When that happens, just be relieved that you don't have anything to do anymore with him/her and move on. (Although I guess, it would be a bit hurtful if you really liked the person and was expecting the interest to be reciprocated.) I do a pretty good job of screening and exchanging emails before meeting somebody, so I have a good idea of what the person is like, and the meetings are for determining chemistry and rapport. I have to know the guy's full name before the meeting, and I give mine, too. (Again, I don't meet that many people and I know enough about them to be comfortable in giving them my full name). It's not easy to do, but I've learned to write the you're-great-but-I'm-sorry-we-can't-be-more-than-friends email, after one or two dates, when it's apparent that I don't have or can't develop attraction for the guy. I think the guys might have a problem doing this, either out of cowardice or not wanting to hurt the gal, but I think it's far better than just disappearing. Some guys thank me for being frank, and are even complimentary about being able to meet me--it's all about showing respect for each other. There's no need to take the "rejection" personally, just move on. And yes, people of all ages and stature do it. I had two dates (I paid my share both times) with a 50+ guy who's an executive for a big company, has conducted himself properly, and he has emailed me about planning a third date but I get the feeling he's not that interested since he's slow in responding to my emails. I'm not averse to a third date since I wanted to give him another chance (he's very formal and a bit stuffy but we have great conversation), but I certainly wouldn't feel bad if he would just say: "nice to have met you, but you're not my type." Bottom line: don't take the fade personally. 1
HappyLove Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I consider it a character flaw that a person has to do the fade instead of being upfront and telling the other person that he/she is not interested. When that happens, just be relieved that you don't have anything to do anymore with him/her and move on. (Although I guess, it would be a bit hurtful if you really liked the person and was expecting the interest to be reciprocated.) I do a pretty good job of screening and exchanging emails before meeting somebody, so I have a good idea of what the person is like, and the meetings are for determining chemistry and rapport. I have to know the guy's full name before the meeting, and I give mine, too. (Again, I don't meet that many people and I know enough about them to be comfortable in giving them my full name). It's not easy to do, but I've learned to write the you're-great-but-I'm-sorry-we-can't-be-more-than-friends email, after one or two dates, when it's apparent that I don't have or can't develop attraction for the guy. I think the guys might have a problem doing this, either out of cowardice or not wanting to hurt the gal, but I think it's far better than just disappearing. Some guys thank me for being frank, and are even complimentary about being able to meet me--it's all about showing respect for each other. There's no need to take the "rejection" personally, just move on. And yes, people of all ages and stature do it. I had two dates (I paid my share both times) with a 50+ guy who's an executive for a big company, has conducted himself properly, and he has emailed me about planning a third date but I get the feeling he's not that interested since he's slow in responding to my emails. I'm not averse to a third date since I wanted to give him another chance (he's very formal and a bit stuffy but we have great conversation), but I certainly wouldn't feel bad if he would just say: "nice to have met you, but you're not my type." Bottom line: don't take the fade personally. It really is a huge character flaw. All it takes is sorry this wont work. That's exactly why the fade hurts so much because your left wondering, is he ok? Did he get in an accident? Then you figure out no he's just a loser too coward to tell you he's not interested. It's easier said than done to just get over it because the fade isn't about that guy you had a few emails with. The fade is when you had the emails, you met up, you've dated a few times, things are going great. Then outta nowhere he disappears. 1
salparadise Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I consider it a character flaw... It really is a huge character flaw. While it's not preferred by most people, labeling it a character flaw seems to me to be a bit much. The degree of inappropriateness depends on circumstances. If you just meet someone for coffee and don't follow up it's not the same as if you'd gone on say several dates, maybe gotten physical or started making plans. It's just one of those awkward situations that is not clearly defined. Character flaws are things like disingenuousness, compulsive lying, kleptomania or mild sociopathic tendencies. Social ineptitude is perhaps a better description.
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