fukedup Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Hi Everyone, I have been reading this board for a few weeks now and need some advise on how the hell im going to get through this pain and whether I will ever come out of the despair I am feeling. I was seeing a girl for four years and recently we broke up. Things had not been going well for at least six months and we had tried to sort the problems out but to be honest I made the mistake of not realizing what was at stake until everything was lost. Im 32 years old and unlike many on this board I feel like I am older and running out of time to meet the right girl and just cant cope with going through the process of starting another relationship again. I just want to settle down and get married and be happy but now I have totally f***ed everything up. We had minor problems but now im feeling like I should have made more of an effort to sort them out rather then acting as if she would always be there for me. You dont realize what you have until it is lost and I feel like I will never be happy again. It makes me sick to the stomach and the pain is so bad and Im basically blaming myself for everything. I also mad to major f***up in rebounding with another girl after a month of breaking up thinking that it would make me feel better and I suppose boast my ego but all that does is make you feel ten times worse and totally empty. To anyone out there dont make the stupid mistake I made. Anyway the ex girlfriend found out and was totally devasted and I dont blame her as if she had done the same to me it would have hurt. I have been keeping incontact with her but now feel due to my actions the relationship can never again be the same. Everytime I speak to her is makes me feel better but afterwards I just sink into a deeper stae of depression as I realize I have lost the most important thing in my life. I know how much she is also suffering and how lonely she feels and want to be there to help her but feel like this is only making it worse for both of us. I have read so much about NC and feel that to heal this may be the only way to go but it so differcult not contacting the person you still love. I just need some advise on what everyone on this board suggests that I do. I cant believe all the dreams we had are gone and now im just a shell of the person I was before. How long does it take for the pain to go away as i just dont thinkI can cope anymore. Thnaks so much for all the advise on the board but I need to know what you think the best course of action is. Should I just be honest with myselfand admit that it really is over and get on with my life. I feel like I willnever love anyone agin.
Weird Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 you need to realize that you can't base your life around another person. Your life existed before her and it will exist after her. As for how long it takes, well, there isn't a set time as it is diff for each person. Just try to keep yourself busy so you don't dwell on the breakup/relationship so much and hopefully you wil get back to being the person you know you can be. Also, don't think time has run out and all that jazz. You're 32 and the avg life expectancy for a male is what, 80 now or something...you have tons of years left.
Author fukedup Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 Thanks weird, I feel that my situation is different to others on this board as it was my own actions that stuffed up the realationship which makes it harder to deal with. I think that if she had done what I did to her then I could have moved on with my life but in my case it was me that ruined everything and I may have to live with that for the rest of my life. I dont want to be thinking in ten years time that I ruined the best thing to happen in my life. Do you think should start NC for the sake of both of us. I feel that making nn contact will mean no hope of getting back together. Am I just kidding myself in hoping for that anyway. Maybe I need to except I made a huge mistake and deal with my actions realize it is over. Why is love so hard!?!?!?!!??! Thnaks fopr thh advise.
Weird Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 everyone makes mistakes. If you made some, apologized and vowed you would not make them again, proved it to her and she didn't care then it isn't you but her. Do no-contact if you feel it make your mind more at ease. I will say that people have a strange way of popping back into one's life after someone starts no contact. All the feelings you have now about screwing things up and all that jazz will eventually go away if you let that happen. I do not doubt that in due time you will look back and realize that while you may have made some mistakes if she truly wants to be wiht you she would forgive them. If she doesn't and expects you to be perfect then screw her, not worth your time.
Think too much Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Let me ask you a question.. Do you truly love her? If you do try everything you can to get her back. It amazes me to see so many people on here that feel so bad about the way they treated their ex and they miss them but they don't want to try to get them back. If she still doesn't want you back then at least you can be comforted by the fact that you did everything you could. Maybe you love her but you know it just wont work. Either way you need to apologize for your actions. Explain to her that you never realized what you had until it was gone. Tell her that you are sorry and you have learned this the hard way. I know how your ex feels and apologies from the heart will mean a lot. It will help her and it will help you feel better about yourself for behaving the way you did. If it really is over you do need to initiate N/C. My ex tried to talk to me a few weeks after ending us and it was harder on me. Well actually it would change from day to day. One day he would want to talk and the next he would ignore me anyway... It doesn't help to talk about your feelings to the person that made you feel that way. It brings up so many confusing feelings and hurt. If you do decide to do the N/C then let your ex know. Don't just ignore her. Love is hard. It brings a lot of happiness and comfort. It has it's ups and downs. It has it's way of sneaking up on people when they least expect it. Be patient. Don't rush into finding someone to marry just bc of your age. Marriage is hard work if you read some posts on infidelity you will see how hard it can be. Breakups are so hard. Hang in there. I wish you the best of luck.
Author fukedup Posted November 17, 2004 Author Posted November 17, 2004 Hey guys, Thanks for the replies. This board is a great help. In regards to the question do you really love her I dont know. Sometimes I think that in breakups people are so scared of been alone that they hold on to something that in all honesty just wasnt right. Its the fear of been alone that scares people so much. Maybe that is what I am feeling now. My friends are getting married and having children and I feel that im been left behind and that scares me. Maybe I am been selfish is trying to hold onto this girl and to be fair to both of us we should let each other go. Who knows!?!?!?!/ Take Care
chicothechimp Posted November 17, 2004 Posted November 17, 2004 it has been almost a few months now since my GF first told me that she needed 'time', 'space' & 'to be alone'... I struggled and pleaded for her to be willing to work things out... she agreed to four months... that lasted all but a week... it was obvious to me that her heart had jumped ship to some degree... but I was till in denial... it was an EXCEEDINGLY confusing/agonizing time... in hindsight I would have done NO CONTACT from the beginning of the official break up on Sept 6... the next month after Septemeber 6 was the single most emotionally ravaged time in my life... I lost weight, did not eat, woke up at 5AM and could not fall alseep again, could not get the same 15 questions out of my head, etc... I seriously would not wish that month on even my most hated enemy... the last month has been better... why? because I found out almost three weeks ago that she had been meeting and emaling and messaging her new boss at her new work pretty much from the first day that they met (with increased frequency)... they got together for coffees and she even began going to his house for events with thej boss's wife and kids and other guests... so basically she connected with him in a way she didn't feel we were and, without talking about making changes or letting me know, she had really broke things off to have 'space' & 'time' to spend with him!!! I was duped! she still denied to this day that anything happened (all I can say is that I am glad that I have friends who work in the Private Investigation industry) ... finding out about this was the best thing I could have found out... every day has been getting significantly better to the point where the last seven days have been great and I feel back to my old self... the wounds of betrayal and selfishness from her are still healing... I wish she weren't self destructing her own life with this married man but that is her problem... I still find it hard to believethat we shared 2 years together and it ended as it did... but my life is coming back... as a sidenote: I starting taking St Johns Wort about 2 weeks ago... it has also helped with the extreme mood swings... it is available across the counter and has been used for centuries for relief from depression. things do get better... the black storms will subside... just ride out the pain and don't avoid working through it all. Chico
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