tuxedo cat Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 We broke up a year ago, fell out of contact, and then he contacted me after a few months and we started talking again. We live far apart but he started calling me every night and he would treat me as a girlfriend without committing to me. I wanted commitment. He also told me he was open to the idea of us being together when I move to where he lives in a few months but can't make any promises. I'm getting attached to him again. It's gotten to the point where it's painful. The thing is I know that if I go NC that will probably kill any chance of us being together in the future, since the only way he has come around to the idea of us possibly being together again is through LC. When we weren't speaking at all he wasn't even open to the idea. Part of me isn't convinced that it was the right decision for us to break up. If only I could convince myself that he wasn't right for me and that I could do better. But I love him so much and feel something for him that I haven't for anyone else. What should I do? Should I cut him off and essentially destroy any chance we have of a future together? Or should I continue to endure the pain of talking to him all the time without his committing to me in the immediate future?
joe86 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 You sound like you're in my boat. I need that commitment to feel happy & secure. I didn't get it, but felt like it could happen if we worked on things. I've no experience to speak from here as its still early in the process for me, but as someone with similar feelings I think you need to talk to him. Try to explain what you need for things to carry on, if he cares enough, he'll listen & work with you. He might say it'll take time, at which point it's on you, but don't give more than you feel you deserve. If you can't talk through it, you know there's a better person out there for you.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 If you are asking yourself this question, it's time for moving on and NC. A healthy relationship/reconcile will not conjure this type of questioning...
Author tuxedo cat Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 You sound like you're in my boat. I need that commitment to feel happy & secure. I didn't get it, but felt like it could happen if we worked on things. I've no experience to speak from here as its still early in the process for me, but as someone with similar feelings I think you need to talk to him. Try to explain what you need for things to carry on, if he cares enough, he'll listen & work with you. He might say it'll take time, at which point it's on you, but don't give more than you feel you deserve. If you can't talk through it, you know there's a better person out there for you. I tried to speak with him about it a few days ago. I told him that it was difficult and confusing for me, how we are carrying on without being in a relationship. He told me he didn't want to have any relationship or feelings talk and quickly signed off.
mea_M Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I tried to speak with him about it a few days ago. I told him that it was difficult and confusing for me, how we are carrying on without being in a relationship. He told me he didn't want to have any relationship or feelings talk and quickly signed off. Tux, It really sounds like its time to move on. He told you flat out he wants no relationship. I know this must hurt like holy heck, but time to forget. No contact is in order. Stick to it by keeping yourself busy. Distraction works well. You can do it. Good luck. Mea 1
Blastoplast Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I don't think you should give a relationship a "2nd shot" until you're over somebody. And by that I mean when you're completely over "what ifs" and "if onlys". Nobody ever gets fully over a previous love, especially if you deeply care for them. Just my 2 cents. Thats all I got, best of luck!
Author tuxedo cat Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 We've been speaking every day. At first it was OK but suddenly the feelings caught up with me. He called me up tonight and I had to get off the phone after ten minutes because I was so shaken up. I've been crying for the last hour. I can't seem to convince myself that I'll be better off without him. I wish I could just believe that. It would make moving on so much easier. Any words of encouragement would go a long way.
Jenny1234 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Distance yourself...it's all you can do to feel in control of yourself again I'm in the same boat..some times I text him all the time and have nonstop convos ...the. I feel crappy again...the little thing sets me off in a text from him I only ever feel better when I pull back
Mariposa10 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 He's not really promising/offering you anything...What's gonna happen when he meets someone where he lives? He'll just stop talking to you. 1
BC1980 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 If it helps, continuing to talk to him worsens your chances for a relationship with him because you are not setting firm boundaries. I learned this lesson too. He will not commit, but he will not respect you if you continue to see him. He does not want what he can easily attain. Now, you need to do NC for yourself. Not to get him back, but it's a win-win situation anyway. You are in an emotional state over him. Stop talking to him. Do not let him have another minute of your time. Write him an email saying you need distance and not to contact you. Don't call him ever again.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Yeah, talking to him every day is a horrid idea, both for your state of mind and for reconciliation. I mean, why would you allow that to happen? And he's given absolutely no indication he wants you back. You need to go NC and you need to do it now.
Waz Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Wow, reading threads like this one, make me feel really lucky that i haven't spoken to my ex since break up. Look op, you seem to not give priority to your self and your thoughts. You focus more in his thoughts/wants than yours. Since you know what he wants - and you disagree - then why you place your self in this situation? It's stupid. That's why LC is failure, you are moving on really slow. NC. The thing is I know that if I go NC that will probably kill any chance of us being together in the future Really? You like being in a relationship where you have to think all of your moves before anything and being strategic? It's not this kind of game. Go NC. If it kills the chance of reconciliation, so let it be. Would you like him to have a relationship with you, because he pities you? You should have some self-respect mate. He already knows your opinion on this matter and you know his. Go NC for your sake and get over it. History says that if something happened, it will happen again. So, if he contacted you once... Don't overthink, you exhaust yourself for very wrong reasons. Focus on your progress in life and exhaust your self there.
Author tuxedo cat Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 If it helps, continuing to talk to him worsens your chances for a relationship with him because you are not setting firm boundaries. I learned this lesson too. He will not commit, but he will not respect you if you continue to see him. He does not want what he can easily attain. Now, you need to do NC for yourself. Not to get him back, but it's a win-win situation anyway. You are in an emotional state over him. Stop talking to him. Do not let him have another minute of your time. Write him an email saying you need distance and not to contact you. Don't call him ever again. The problem is I don't know if this is true. I know if we were to go NC he'd move on from me and probably date other girls. Right now he isn't even trying to meet anyone.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 The problem is I don't know if this is true. I know if we were to go NC he'd move on from me and probably date other girls. Right now he isn't even trying to meet anyone. The moment he does meet someone he'll throw you to the side. Basically you are a fallback option at best, which is a sh*tty thing to be. You are really playing this completely wrong.
Author tuxedo cat Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 The moment he does meet someone he'll throw you to the side. Basically you are a fallback option at best, which is a sh*tty thing to be. You are really playing this completely wrong. How would you play it?
Simon Phoenix Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 How would you play it? Back the hell off. Don't be available. Go NC or very LC.
Author tuxedo cat Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 You stand a better chance of getting him back if you put your foot down, tell him you're interested in a relationship, and then go NC until he comes to the party. THAT is how the game is played... How much contact is he initiating? If you are initiating all of it, stop now. Make him do the legwork. If you can't face NC right now, start with that. When he does contact you, make it short. Approx 10 mins max per phone call, approx 10 txts/chats per digital conversation max, before you wrap them up. "Thanks for the call/text! Got to run." Thanks for the advice. Right now he initiates 90% of the contact. He calls me up every night and if I don't answer he keeps calling every hour until I do. Here's the thing. If I were to tell him now that I wanted a relationship and don't want to hear from him until he's ready that would have a 2% chance of working, because ultimatums make him flip out and withdraw. He hates having pressure put on him. The only reason he's come around at all to the idea of us being together in the future is because I've managed to keep things lighter than they were int he past. When I went to visit him a few weeks ago I avoided any relationship discussion, we had a lot of fun, and he told me after that the thought of us being together down the road had crossed his mind...this is a huge change from where he was at four months ago, at which point he was totally opposed to the idea. But I will try talking to him less on the phone, keeping the conversations short when he calls, and see if that has an effect.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Thanks for the advice. Right now he initiates 90% of the contact. He calls me up every night and if I don't answer he keeps calling every hour until I do. Here's the thing. If I were to tell him now that I wanted a relationship and don't want to hear from him until he's ready that would have a 2% chance of working, because ultimatums make him flip out and withdraw. He hates having pressure put on him. The only reason he's come around at all to the idea of us being together in the future is because I've managed to keep things lighter than they were int he past. When I went to visit him a few weeks ago I avoided any relationship discussion, we had a lot of fun, and he told me after that the thought of us being together down the road had crossed his mind...this is a huge change from where he was at four months ago, at which point he was totally opposed to the idea. But I will try talking to him less on the phone, keeping the conversations short when he calls, and see if that has an effect. You are letting him call the shots. Who cares if he doesn't like pressure? You would rather put yourself in heartwrenching limbo for no payout? I'm sorry, you need to be assertive. And just because he calls every hour doesn't mean you have to answer like a lovesick puppy. 2
BC1980 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Right now, you are presenting yourself as a piece of trash to him that he can use. He gets all the benefits with no commitment. You are telling him that you think that is what you are worth. Do you realize how unattractive that is to him? And you are right. Ultimatums don't work. You should never have to give someone an ultimatum to get them to be in a relationship with you. You should never feel so desperate that you use an ultimatum, which is a last ditch resort. You should be strong and in control and go NC. Because that is actually an ultimatum as well, but it's an ultimatum for yourself, which is an entirely different animal. It's from a place of strength and self worth. You know that you are worth more, and you should not be ashamed that you desire a commitment from someone.
lylat333 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I agree with a lot of what's been posted here, I disagree with the notion that going NC will ~'destroy any chance you have of a future together'. You might be surprised at what might happen if you utilize NC. He might be very surprised! The person in the position of power will not give if they feel no risk of losing anything. Plus he has indicated he's not particularly interested in pursuing a relationship. The best thing to do for yourself and this situation is to show that you don't need this in your life and will not stand for continuing to endure the pain of LC in hopes of a future together. Making yourself scarce will bring out his true desires. It will either be the wake-up call he needs (win) or you will not prolong this pain. (win)
mea_M Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 The problem is I don't know if this is true. I know if we were to go NC he'd move on from me and probably date other girls. Right now he isn't even trying to meet anyone. But if he already stated that he is not interested in a relationship then it's just a waste your time. Why hang in limbo when he already gave you his answer? mea :-)
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