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Stuck on an Unhealthy Relationship...can't get over...


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Posted

Hi all...I am having a horrible problem getting rid of my addiction to a person who is not 'good' for me. Yet. my. brain. won't. let. it. go......

 

Here goes..

 

We dated for about two years and it was a coming together of two pretty desprate people if you ask me. I was 26 at the time, she 37. I had some problems with substance abuse (alcohol) to this point but I wouldn't calll my self an alcoholic...yet. Over time the tensions and chemical changes caused by the constant stress of the relationship drained my energy. She was very neurotic and controlling, obsessive almost. She would constantly call, email, whatever. She was one of those chicks who dressed her dog up in little outfits for God's sakes.... All the while I was miserable...Yet I couldn't get out...I sought escape from this with my alcohol and drug abuse. Soon enough, my addiction spiraled and became unmanageable. I was a full-blown alcoholic. I knew if I stayed in that situation I would probably wind up in a really bad spot.

 

We broke up under pretty bad circumstances (I moved out when she wasn't home, something I felt necessary as my life felt like it was on the line). I checked into rehab and we went NC for a year.

 

However, recently we met for lunch and the sparks started flying again. Stupid thoughts..like wanting to get back together. She acts like she has it together now but I think she is stilldesperate (now at 40) and looking for a guy. I'm not where I thought I would be in my recovery by even agreeing to meet her.

 

Please help..I feel like if I get back with this woman I'll slip right back into old habits. Although she claims she's changed (went to Al-Anon) a few times.

 

Meanwhile I'm 29 and have the world at my feet, with a year of sobriety...I live in Chicago...there are plenty of fish out there...yet, can't move on.

 

Sorry for venting and thanks for listening. If anyone can share comments/similar experiences I'd really appreciate it...

 

 

(please note: I AM NOT blaming her for my alcoholism in any way. Did it help? Of course not. But that is on me) I'm asking for advice on the relationship/coping, not the alcohol.

Posted

I think you can pretty much handle anything as long as you don't get back into the alcohol. Perhaps you should cautiously give it a try again with her, if you promise yourself, that no matter what happens you will not start any substance abuse again. It's hard to tell without knowing her, if she has matured, or if she has some type of narcissism. Normally, I would say just move on and see other women, but from personal experience and reading other posts here, it is extremely hard, if not impossible, to just forget someone for whom we have a romantic interest. If you just cut her out of your life, you'll be bothered by it for a long while, in other words, if you never get closure.

Posted
Hi all...I am having a horrible problem getting rid of my addiction to a person who is not 'good' for me. Yet. my. brain. won't. let. it. go......

 

Here goes..

 

We dated for about two years and it was a coming together of two pretty desprate people if you ask me. I was 26 at the time, she 37. I had some problems with substance abuse (alcohol) to this point but I wouldn't calll my self an alcoholic...yet. Over time the tensions and chemical changes caused by the constant stress of the relationship drained my energy. She was very neurotic and controlling, obsessive almost. She would constantly call, email, whatever. She was one of those chicks who dressed her dog up in little outfits for God's sakes.... All the while I was miserable...Yet I couldn't get out...I sought escape from this with my alcohol and drug abuse. Soon enough, my addiction spiraled and became unmanageable. I was a full-blown alcoholic. I knew if I stayed in that situation I would probably wind up in a really bad spot.

 

We broke up under pretty bad circumstances (I moved out when she wasn't home, something I felt necessary as my life felt like it was on the line). I checked into rehab and we went NC for a year.

 

However, recently we met for lunch and the sparks started flying again. Stupid thoughts..like wanting to get back together. She acts like she has it together now but I think she is stilldesperate (now at 40) and looking for a guy. I'm not where I thought I would be in my recovery by even agreeing to meet her.

 

Please help..I feel like if I get back with this woman I'll slip right back into old habits. Although she claims she's changed (went to Al-Anon) a few times.

 

Meanwhile I'm 29 and have the world at my feet, with a year of sobriety...I live in Chicago...there are plenty of fish out there...yet, can't move on.

 

Sorry for venting and thanks for listening. If anyone can share comments/similar experiences I'd really appreciate it...

 

 

(please note: I AM NOT blaming her for my alcoholism in any way. Did it help? Of course not. But that is on me) I'm asking for advice on the relationship/coping, not the alcohol.

 

 

Why oh why would you want to jeopardize ALL your gains by returning to a relationship that was clearly toxic for you???

 

Of course we are attracted to what's familiar and comfortable but that does not mean that it's good for us.

 

Hell, I love smoking cigarettes and have had an off & on relationship with them for many years, but I know their not good for me..

 

I highly suggest you stay away from your ex and look for someone who mirrors your current health.

Posted

First off congrats to you for a year under your belt, that's fabulous and you make sure to internally celebrate it.:) As for the relationship, if you feel strong enough in your recovery path to make contact and see where things go I'd say go for it. Do remember early on..first year plus they seem to say avoid a major change if possible. So tread lightly and sorta go with the flow. Hope that helped.

 

Mea:)

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