jsflysi Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Hey guys Found this site a few weeks ago and just want to say you guys rock and this is an awesome support group. Me and my girlfriend of 6 years broke up about 3 months ago. Here's the scoop… (sorry for the length) I met my ex when she was 19 and I was 26. At the time I had been single for about 2 years and definitely ready for a relationship. We met online and then after talking for a few weeks met up with some friends at a club. We started hanging out right after that and things seemed to be going good. She had her own apartment (basement apt underneath her mom) and lived with her best friend at the time. I was pretty much always there, she was your typical party girl and I was always going out as well. The red flag I should have saw was she still had a thing for her ex when we first got together. During the first 4 months or so it always seemed like I was fighting for her attention. We had a few fights about it and I remember getting a instant message from her saying she missed me, she was a mess and to come over. From that point on her ex was out of the picture for good (or so I thought) so that we could continue building our relationship. We dated for 6 years after that. She grew up and out of that party girl mentality, she started cooking, being responsible, focussed on her career, and supported me in mine. We had amazing communication. I trusted her 100%, we never had the type of relationship where I would look at her texts or Facebook, we both went out separately with friends and still did couple things together. We really got along great, and I feel like we balanced each other out well. Somewhere down that 6 year road though we hit a bump that we never quite recovered from. I keep racking my brain to see where it was, but I come up empty. I know for a fact that I withdrew emotionally and physically. I still loved her but there was moments where I thought about leaving and wondered how it would be to be single and on my own. I can't pinpoint when this started or why this started. I was still attracted to her and still loved her but something was off. She disconnected from me as well, but I always wonder if it was because I did. After a while we stopped communicating like we used to. I would check in with her and ask if everything is ok and she would say yeah baby everything great. Little by little we stopped doing date nights and little romantic trips and gifts. I was way more focussed on saving every penny we had so that we could save for a house. I know now that those things should never stop. It's just so easy to get stuck into a routine and take things for granted. So one day while driving home from a great day at work I called her and knew right away something was off. I came home, we took a ride to get her some new work pants, then when we got back to the apartment I asked her what was wrong and she bursted into tears. She said "I don't think we can be together anymore". We talked/cried/yelled about it for a few hours. She told me her codependency isn't getting better because she needs to be by herself to deal with it. She needs to know she doesn't need a relationship to be happy. I also wasn't fulfilling her needs on any level apparently. She told me I'm not the one she wants to marry or have kids with and that she hasn't been happy in years. She told me I should stay at my friends house for a few nights and when she started to say that I was so hurt by everything else she was saying I got up to pack a bag while she sat crying hysterically on the couch saying she doesn't want to lose me. Those "few nights" at my friends house turned into a few weeks. I tried the usually stuff to get her back. I went to the apartment while she was working and built her the vanity that I had been promising her I'd do, I left notes, flowers, balloons with notes inside so she had to pop every one. She claims she still has those notes. After every time I tried I always got the same text back, thank you for the gift but it doesn't change my decision. I found out that 2 weeks after we broke up that she hung out with her ex and they made out. This was the ex who was a thorn in the beginning. The third week after we broke up I bumped into her after work and she seemed really upset. We talked, she told me she loved me and missed me, we kissed and then I didn't hear from her for days. Felt like I was dumped again. The week after that we talked for 6 days straight. I texted her on my way home one night and told her I was leaving something in her mailbox for her mom. When I pulled up she was already outside waiting for me. We hung out that night, hugged, talked, kissed. It was a good night. The following 5 nights we texted, she would call me with an excuse to call and in my head this was the beginning of us maybe working it out. Until that 6th day. She was flying to PR for a wedding on a Friday so the Thursday before I asked if I could see her and would bring her dinner. She said yes and I went over. We started talking, everything was ok and for about 5 minutes we actually talked about the possibility of working it out. She said "I wouldn't want you to move in right away" I said that's fine. Then all of a sudden she was shaking her head saying no it would be for the wrong reasons and said I had to leave. Needless to say I was in complete shock the whole way home. I went another week without seeing her after that and the next time I saw her was when I had to go to the apartment for some stuff. She was upset because she knew I was out the night before with someone. She said to me "don't you think I wanna work this out with you? Don't you think I want us to work out?" So what am I supposed to think when someone says that? I left that day with hope, but again, didn't hear from her for weeks. It's been 3 months now and I haven't had any contact with her in 3 days. We have dogs together and right now they stay with her so it's really tough to go NC for too long. It still hurts so bad but I see now that not even she knows what she wants. She messed with my head big time but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't go back to her in a heartbeat because I truly love her and think we could work it out. 6 years is a long time and I still can't completely understand why she wants to throw it away.
melell Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 This is called playing it out to the bitter end. I don't want you to feel bad about this.. I know you probably will anyway. But if she was in love with you, it would be much much different. Also, if you were in love with he it would be different to. It is really sad, people spend a lot of time which each other and kinda bond, they become part of one another, but it doesn't mean it is 'right' or that it will lead to happiness. It is a really tough lesson to learn, I have been there. I was 8 years for me. Afterwards I knew that we would never be happy together, but all of those memories and emotions keep us hanging on when we shouldn't. You really do deserve to be happy, and staying in contact with her and letting this linger anymore is just wasting time that you could be happy. I know it sucks, but I found that NC was the only way to break all those little ties you spent years making. Seeing each other is especially hard, it puts you back to square one, and makes things so raw. I keep saying this to people, it is emotional suicide! You need to stay away from here, and have no contact for at least 6 months to be able to know how you truly feel about her. In my opinion, that is the only way.
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