Melissa78 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 4 months ago my husband left me. I was devastated. I always thought we had a strong relationship, and that nothing could separated us. We talked about everything, are best of friends, but the last two years have been rough. I have been working constantly, there have been health issues, death of family members and amongst all this, we married. From one day to another, my husband said that he felt empty and was not sure if he loved me any more. We went to counseling, and he was diagnosed with depression and started going to a psychiatrist alone. A couple months later he dropped the bombshell; said he had found out that he had gotten depressed, because he had lost his feelings for me. He felt trapped in the marriage, and wanted out, Nothing I said could convince him otherwise. I asked him if he thought his feelings could come back later and he said that at the moment, he could no see that happening at all, but he was open to the possibility. He wanted to be friends. So I respected his decision, and helped him make the move as smoothly as possible. We do not have kids, and there is not another woman in the picture. We have since stayed in contact as friends, never argue and both of us wants the other person the best. I know he is very tired because of job demands etc. He was tired of that the two last year before the separation too. We have not had time for each other. Anyways, I have found out that the reason he fell out of love, is him feeling I did not respect him. I have not seen him and his needs in the marriage. He is a non-assertive man, and would give in to my needs in order to make me happy, even if that is not at all what he himself wanted. Or he would give in to avoid an argument, since he does not like conflicts. He never sets boundaries or stands up for himself. I can see that he, in some instances, have tried to speak up, but I have not listened because I have been tired and selfish. He says that I am everything he wants in a woman, and that he will never find a woman like me - if he meets a new woman, he will have to make compromises, because she will not have my qualities. That is exactly the same way I feel about him. He says that objectively our relationship has everything we both seek and need, but he just does not feel anything for me anymore. He needs to move on. He is the love of my life, and we have been together for 10 years. I do not want to loose him, I want to win him back. I know what I did was wrong, not respecting him (even though I did not do that knowingly) and I need help as to how to move forward with this. I do not want to push him. I want him to regain his respect for me, and fall back in love with me. Any advice would be appreciated.
TaraMaiden Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I would seriously suggest you put forward joint counselling. I would say at this point that you reassure him that it's not with the intention of necessarily getting back together (although obviously that is what you desire) but it may make him feel less 'cornered' or threatened by the prospect. Indeed, it is true that counselling isn't there for repair and reconciliation; it is a means and medium to enable free expression, open discussion and frank exchange with no recrimination, accusation or confrontation. It levels the playing field. I see what he is saying; and he may see this as his truth, but on reading it, I was struck by the amount of 'blame' he is heaping onto you and your actions, without taking any responsibility for changing his responses, or at least becoming more assertive. It's almost as if he's saying: "I have no spine, I acted like a doormat, but you made me do it." He must take responsibility for his own role in the relationship. he cannot put all the consequences of his own responses onto your shoulders. He may have become depressed by the situation, but a remedy has always been available. he just didn't implement it forcefully enough. And that's not necessarily on you.... Counselling may help to make him see that relationships are a 2-way street. 7
Author Melissa78 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Thank you for the rapid reply. He has not said this to me personally. He would not do that, because he does not want me to be hurting and blaming myself. Counselling is not something he will do. He is prepared to move on, and is always saying that he does not what to give me expectations that there is any hope for us. So, I need to know how I can act around him, to get respect and eventually love back, without him feeling as though I am demanding something from him.
Mr. Lucky Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I see what he is saying; and he may see this as his truth, but on reading it, I was struck by the amount of 'blame' he is heaping onto you and your actions, without taking any responsibility for changing his responses, or at least becoming more assertive. Agreed. You'd need to be psychic to understand his unexpressed needs. I can't think of anything more passive/agressive than not telling you what I want you do and then blaming you for not doing it. So, I need to know how I can act around him, to get respect and eventually love back, without him feeling as though I am demanding something from him. Well, you can't . In this case, he's actually expressing his needs. I'm sorry that they're not what you want to hear. Tough situation but you'll have to accept the reality of it... Mr. Lucky
Mystery2Me Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) Hello Melissa, So very sorry I am that you are hurting and struggling at this time. First off, this not your fault...yes we can all do better but please do not accept all the responsibility. The person I married, he was much like the husband you describe. Holding it all in and not communicating his true feelings about things (life occurrences like those you've experienced...death, illness). Ultimately this leads to feelings of resentment and inaccurately assigning his un-happiness to you, rather than taking responsibility for himself. If someone does not tell you what is wrong, then you can not fix it. Also know it is then very cruel to throw it all on you, and just run. Finally the gaslighting (Look this up), of I will never find another woman like you... If he truly felt this way, why would someone accept a life with a woman with less qualities?!?!?! Darling, he is feeding you a line. Perhaps he does not realize that he is in a fog, but if you step back you know his reasoning does not makes sense. Ask yourself, if my best girl friend told me this same story would I tell her to accept all the blame and to put up with this treatment? My advice: First off apologize for all wrong doing, but tell him you will not enduring his constantly racking you over the coals. Try the couples counseling. But more importantly you must get individual counseling for yourself. The toll of guilt is debilitating and exhausting, and you will help to deal with it. ~Take care of yourself and be very kind to yourself.-Mystery Edited September 3, 2013 by Mystery2Me 3
TaraMaiden Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Thank you for the rapid reply. He has not said this to me personally. He would not do that, because he does not want me to be hurting and blaming myself. Counselling is not something he will do. He is prepared to move on, and is always saying that he does not what to give me expectations that there is any hope for us. So, I need to know how I can act around him, to get respect and eventually love back, without him feeling as though I am demanding something from him. Well I'm going to sound very cut-and-thrust here, but if he's left you and decided he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, and is, furthermore unwilling to try some form of remedy to improve matters, than, my dearest, you have to stop seeing each other and realise that this relationship cannot continue as it is. You cannot, under any circumstances be in a friendship with someone you still have feelings for. This is true of any break-up, notwithstanding the status of the people involved. You need to go no contact, because right now, he's "having his cake AND eating it." He maintains that the status of the relationship with you is what caused his depression. Yet here you both are, maintaining a friendship. Why? You? It's because you want him back. Him? It's a dependency. He can have you, yet not give you what you need, require, desire of most fervently want: him. He's using you, and I'm not suggesting it's in a selfish or deceptive way. But he's clinging to you as a comfort-zone, and that's just not on. Right now, you're playing this according to his wants in an effort to make things right again, appease him, and hopefully convince him to come back. He's not playing by those game-rules. He's not interested in investing effort to change, mend or repair this. but he still relishes the comfort and familiarity of your presence. And sorry - he ended this - so that's not on. Harsh as it may sound, you need to sever contact. If he no longer wishes to be married to you, then he has to understand that life goes on, and in separate ways. He left this. He engineered the separation. He decided it was over. Well now he has to understand precisely what that means. 4
trippi1432 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 If someone does not tell you what is wrong, then you can not fix it. My advice: First off apologize for all wrong doing, but tell him you will not enduring his constantly racking you over the coals. Try the couples counseling. But more importantly you must get individual counseling for yourself. The toll of guilt is debilitating and exhausting, and you will help to deal with it. ~Take care of yourself and be very kind to yourself.-Mystery Right here, this is all you can do. His choices are HIS choices, taking blame for what he chooses to be depressed about has nothing to do with you. You can choose to support him, but if he feels nothing for you, he's probably being honest. More background is probably needed, but you have been separated for 4 months now, what leads you to believe that any of it is your fault? You have had time to try to assess what is yours and what is his....perhaps you blame yourself too much. That is loving someone else more than yourself, but should you when they are not giving back? Real love is being able to give and receive love, it's not one-sided. Let him get over his issues. It's about two people who create love in their hearts for each other, when one stops and can't give that anymore...the thing I have learned in life is to accept it and move on. It's actually being kind, because you know you are worth more that that. M2M's post, had to quote because that was "almost" me last year.....and I am so glad I didn't make another mistake.
Moniq Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 The advice here has been stellar! I'm a liitle more "harsh" than most. I just can't help myself It's the rebel bitch in me. Anyway...my advice would be to tell him to go on about his business, take his depression and go live with it (his depression won't stay at the house with you, he takes it with him wherever he goes ) and then.....I'd quit all the friendly bs, you are NOT going to friend your way back into his heart. You want him to respect you? Tell him to take a flying leap. You want him to desire you? Be all sassy and sexy as your walking out the door. You want him to love you? Let him go with a smile on your face. You want him to want you? Be perfectly happy without him. Tell him the door is wide open and he is free to leave. YOU however, do not have to sit around waiting on him. OH NO!! There is life to be lived out there and HE is not the only man on the planet!! No Sister, HE IS NOT! Laugh at him for being an idiot! Because that is what he is...an idiot! What the hell kind of fool let's a woman of your calliber out of his grasp? A stupid one! Let him go! YOU will find a much better man out there. I love It!!!! I will read this over and over again. Great advice. 1
Deeplydisturbed Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I do not want to loose him, I want to win him back. I know what I did was wrong, not respecting him (even though I did not do that knowingly) and I need help as to how to move forward with this. I do not want to push him. I want him to regain his respect for me, and fall back in love with me. Any advice would be appreciated. I think its a tough task for you to achieve all of what you want. My wife and I had an incident recently and RESPECT is one of the things that she has always complained about. I do respect her but it seems like I never showed it to her. OR she never saw it the way I saw it. It has dawned upon me that it doesn't matter if you feel something for someone or not, if the person you're feeling for doesn't see it. As a man, I would say the ship has sailed for you. Your husband seems to have been in love with you which is why he made compromises. However, after struggling with your behavior he made a HUGE decision. Decisions like these are usually irreversible. I sure hope that you are able to win him back since you have seen the light. However, I think you should brace yourself for the eventuality that it might just be over for good.
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