MontanaGirl Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I've been dating my boyfriend for a little less than a year. When we met he'd been dating another woman for about a month. He dated her and me at the same time for about two months. He didn't discuss exclusivity with her or me, but also didn't tell me about her. After two months we slept together; he says he went on one date with her after that, and then decided to stop seeing her. He did the "fade" to break up with her (which I think is pretty crappy), and hasn't talked to her since December. I brought up exclusivity in January, after dating him for three months. I didn't earlier, partly because I didn't think it was necessary; several conversations we'd had strongly led me to believe he wasn't seeing anyone else (although he never actually said he wasn't). He told me about her during our conversation about being exclusive. It bothered me a lot--particular details made it feel especially hurtful, and I didn't like that he'd kept it secret from me--but I decided to keep seeing him. Since then, he's given me absolutely no reason to doubt his fidelity or commitment to me. I'm crazy about him. Every so often, though, jealousy over him having "multi-dated" crops up in my mind. Normally I can quell it pretty quickly on my own and move on. But for the last couple weeks I've really struggled to get this other woman out of my mind. It came to a head this weekend, when I really overreacted to a comment he made referring to one of the dates he took her on. I let it ruin my whole night (and his). The bad feelings I have about how our relationship started are holding me back, and I need to drop that negativity before it destroys our relationship. It's too early to know for sure, but there are times that it feels like this guy could be the "one." I don't want to ruin what we have with this jealousy. I'm not normally a jealous person, so I don't know how to handle these feelings. I also know I'm kind of a commitment-phobe, so realize I'm likely latching onto this as an excuse to avoid getting closer. I know it's my responsibility to move on, but I simply don't know how. Any advice on how to get over it would be greatly appreciated.
heartshaped Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I don't think I could continue to see this man. The problem isn't the multi-dating in my mind. The problem is the fact he concealed it and even led you to believe that he was only seeing you. He also slept with you while seeing this other woman and broke up with her by the fade method even though technically he was seeing her first. His moral character isn't that of someone I would allow in my life. I think you are feeling the same, but are trying to justify it for xyz reasons. 1
FitChick Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 You're being silly. It was a competition for this guy's affections and YOU WON! You are snatching defeat from the jaw's of victory if you persist in your petty jealousy over something that happened in the past. 2
Author MontanaGirl Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 And why is he talking to you about his dates with this other woman? Did you ask him? Or did he just readily give up the information thinking you wanted to hear it? No, I definitely did not ask him about the other dates. I never wanted to know anything about it, other than the extent of their sexual interactions (he swears he didn't sleep with her... I believe him, although I'm skeptical). I don't know why he brought it up that night. It was dumb and thoughtless, and I think I was right to be upset--but not as upset as I was. Finding that out about him made me reevaluate our relationship. I held him at an arm's distance for several months. But in all this time he's never given me reason to doubt him. I want to move on with him; I just don't know how. FitChick, I don't want to be jealous over this anymore. I just don't know how to start moving on.
FitChick Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Eliminate your beliefs, which I'm guessing might be: I'm not good enough I'm not lovable Men can't be trusted Relationships don't last And any others that you think are related. You said you are a commitment-phobe so you are looking for ways to sabotage your relationship. If he hadn't told you about the other woman, you'd have never known. It wouldn't have meant it didn't happen. You had no agreement NOT to date others. You chose not to, he chose to date. Then he decided you were better and chose you, not her. 2
soccerrprp Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I agree with FitChick. You have him now, so it's up to you to keep him. There is not A way to get over "it." Everyone is different and advice is oftentimes trumped by emotional/irrational inertia. You say that you are not "normally" the jealous type, but you are now. You say that you have problems committing, but that's not what the crux of your post is illustrating. You are jealous and you want this guy to be yours and you feel insecure. I don't, frankly, buy the commitment-phobe thing.... Unless you know how to just shut your feelings off and on, it's a process of reasoning, really. You say that you believe him when he says that he didn't sleep with her, but you're "skeptical." IE. You don't believe him! MontanaGirl, you need to consider that your thinking process, as you are fully aware, is leading you down the road to a pit of insecurity, doubt and self-destruction. You know this. You need to reflect, meditate on how and why you respond and if it's too much, move on as in, don't date this guy.
FitChick Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 It's as if she wants to punish him for choosing her. How dare he!
lop98 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 'I let it ruin the whole night'? he brought her up... take less responsibility in this case, he's playing whether he realizes this or not. And how infantile the 'he chose you, conform with that and celebrate!', that's why so many relationships are so sad....
Ruby Slippers Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I can understand why you're struggling with this. He was dating both of you at the same time and kept it from you (lying by omission), faded out on her (spineless, thoughtless), and brought up a date with her recently after no contact for 8 months (thoughtless). I'd be concerned about sticking with a guy like that, too. Sorry, I don't have any advice about how to deal with it - just adding my 2 cents. 3
CptSaveAho Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 whatever, she knew he was dating someone else (women can smell this) the big picture is that he "HAS" her, not the other way around why shes self destructing now... why i said dread is fun Game is rigged against women
Author MontanaGirl Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 There is not A way to get over "it." Everyone is different and advice is oftentimes trumped by emotional/irrational inertia. You say that you are not "normally" the jealous type, but you are now. You say that you have problems committing, but that's not what the crux of your post is illustrating. You are jealous and you want this guy to be yours and you feel insecure. I don't, frankly, buy the commitment-phobe thing.... Yes, I'm obviously feeling insecure and jealous over this. I'm not used to those feelings, so I'm not familiar with how to handle it. I also know part of the reason I'm latching on to this is to have an excuse not to get closer (whether you "buy" it or not). I do want a real relationship with him--that's very rare for me, as I do have a long history of commitment-phobia--but wanting something "real" from this guy (and realizing it could actually happen) scares the living daylights out of me. Given that I've chosen to keep dating him, I recognize that this is something I have to get over or it will destroy my relationship. I just don't know how--hence this thread asking for advice. I realize there is not *A* way of getting over this; but I thought that hearing how other people have dealt with similar issues might help me find my own path. It's as if she wants to punish him for choosing her. How dare he! I don't want to punish him. Before this weekend, I've been able to work through my feelings on my own. This weekend, I couldn't, so I wanted to get help to avoid "punishing him." I do appreciate your other post, though. A couple of your "beliefs" ring true for me, and I do need to evaluate how to change those points of view.
Author MontanaGirl Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 whatever, she knew he was dating someone else (women can smell this) the big picture is that he "HAS" her, not the other way around why shes self destructing now... why i said dread is fun Game is rigged against women Nope, I really had no clue. Maybe my "woman nose" is broken. What do you mean he "has" me and I don't "have" him?
Author MontanaGirl Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 'I let it ruin the whole night'? he brought her up... take less responsibility in this case, he's playing whether he realizes this or not. I feel like I could've called him on the thoughtlessness of bringing it up, but I got so upset we cut the evening short & went home. He did apologize for bringing it up. He said he didn't realize it still bothered me (I haven't mentioned it for several months).
Author MontanaGirl Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 I can understand why you're struggling with this. He was dating both of you at the same time and kept it from you (lying by omission), faded out on her (spineless, thoughtless), and brought up a date with her recently after no contact for 8 months (thoughtless). I'd be concerned about sticking with a guy like that, too. Sorry, I don't have any advice about how to deal with it - just adding my 2 cents. Thanks for understanding. I feel pretty pathetic for letting it bother me so much. For months now, he's been nothing but sweet, attentive, and totally honest with me (sometimes a bit overly honest).
Ruby Slippers Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Try focusing on and enjoying what you have now. Instead of fixating on the negative thoughts, shift your thoughts to the positive. Replace any negative talk in your head with positive talk. You might also ask him to refrain from talking about her with you, as it's a sore subject.
anna121 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I've been dating my boyfriend for a little less than a year. When we met he'd been dating another woman for about a month. He dated her and me at the same time for about two months. He didn't discuss exclusivity with her or me, but also didn't tell me about her. After two months we slept together; he says he went on one date with her after that, and then decided to stop seeing her. He did the "fade" to break up with her (which I think is pretty crappy), and hasn't talked to her since December. I brought up exclusivity in January, after dating him for three months. I didn't earlier, partly because I didn't think it was necessary; several conversations we'd had strongly led me to believe he wasn't seeing anyone else (although he never actually said he wasn't). He told me about her during our conversation about being exclusive. It bothered me a lot--particular details made it feel especially hurtful, and I didn't like that he'd kept it secret from me--but I decided to keep seeing him. Since then, he's given me absolutely no reason to doubt his fidelity or commitment to me. I'm crazy about him. Every so often, though, jealousy over him having "multi-dated" crops up in my mind. Normally I can quell it pretty quickly on my own and move on. But for the last couple weeks I've really struggled to get this other woman out of my mind. It came to a head this weekend, when I really overreacted to a comment he made referring to one of the dates he took her on. I let it ruin my whole night (and his). The bad feelings I have about how our relationship started are holding me back, and I need to drop that negativity before it destroys our relationship. It's too early to know for sure, but there are times that it feels like this guy could be the "one." I don't want to ruin what we have with this jealousy. I'm not normally a jealous person, so I don't know how to handle these feelings. I also know I'm kind of a commitment-phobe, so realize I'm likely latching onto this as an excuse to avoid getting closer. I know it's my responsibility to move on, but I simply don't know how. Any advice on how to get over it would be greatly appreciated. I'm going to go a bit against the grain on this. Given the timeframes involved (a couple months before you slept together - except for a single date afterward), I don't think that his behaviour, as you've described it (and I'm including his explanations at face value) was that horrible. It would have been easy for him to lie about having seen anyone, but he didn't. Yeah, I'm not crazy about the fade-out either, but don't see it as a deal-breaker. I'm probably cynical, but I simply assume people are seeing other people until they tell me that's not the case. His mentioning the date suggests he is not very sensitive. He could also be simply bad at reading you. I think the fixation you have on her is a bit off, to be honest. This wasn't a real ex-girlfriend or the love of his life, right? You need to talk to him, but make it safe for him to talk to you. Assess his emotional maturity. I sense that may be what's behind alot of this. I don't think he's an awful person, but he seems a bit...thoughtless. Give him a chance to prove you wrong. 1
Author MontanaGirl Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 I don't think that his behaviour, as you've described it (and I'm including his explanations at face value) was that horrible. I don't think what he did is all that bad either. It wasn't great (some of the statements he made when we first got together weren't exactly lies, but they weren't exactly fully honest either, and he's admitted that), but it's not unforgivable, either. I've just never been around men who "multi-date" before, I don't understand that mind-set at all. His mentioning the date suggests he is not very sensitive. [...] I don't think he's an awful person, but he seems a bit...thoughtless. Give him a chance to prove you wrong. Sigh... he's a stereotypical engineer: handling emotions and sensitive subjects isn't his strong point. He also hasn't been really serious about someone for several years, so some of his girlfriend-handling skills are a bit... rusty. Others don't like putting all their hopes into one person only to have it possibly blow up in their faces. He's actually said this was his reasoning; that for years, when he really really liked a girl, they lost interest in him after a few weeks of dating. He said he expected me to do the same. The slow fade he did on the other girl was pitiful and spineless, so I do agree wtih that. He was also a bit of a clod for mentioning a date with this gal to you just the other night - especially knowing it's a sensitive topic right now. The fade worries me a lot. I think if he'd just called the girl and told her, "Hey, I met someone else I see more potential with" a lot of these doubts I'm having now would be smaller. It doesn't exactly bode well for if/when we break up.
RedRobin Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I perceive that you and he have different values. Your current feelings reflect some uncertainty regarding the depth of those differences. maybe that is the discussion you need to have with him... you've been with him long enough to address that... just make sure you do it in a way that is respectful. This is not something you need to 'get over'. You have every right to your feelings about it. How you bridge that gap between his way of doing things and yours determines whether you move forward.
RedRobin Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I dump multidaters. multidating is no way to build intimacy. Have no interest in 'keeping' one. They are no prize... 2
Versacehottie Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 No, I think I was right to be upset--but not as upset as I was. Finding that out about him made me reevaluate our relationship. I held him at an arm's distance for several months. But in all this time he's never given me reason to doubt him. I want to move on with him; I just don't know how. FitChick, I don't want to be jealous over this anymore. I just don't know how to start moving on. I think you just have to get comfortable with the fact that EVERYONE has a history. Think of yourself as the winner you are. Sometimes a person can even feel a twinge (or more) of jealousy for their guys's previous relationship that DIDN'T overlap....just because for a moment in time there was something unique for him that you aren't a part of. It happens. Try to think that any jealousy or hurt you feel about this is because he means so much to you and that all future memories will be the two of yours. Guys (and girls) multidate. It's just a fact. Doesn't make you less important or less "the one". it's just how he processes dating information. 1
FitChick Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Don't let bitter and insecure LSers who can't get dates or who have had crap relationships spew sour grapes at you. Enjoy your boyfriend! He's an engineer? Oh, he gets a free pass! They tend not to be the most emotionally intelligent of men but can make great husbands when they are committed. Less neurotic than the creative types. My friend has been happily married over twenty years to one of those multi-dating engineers. He had only had one serious relationship before they met so was dating a couple of other women. She gave him an ultimatum after a few months and he chose her. She won! She won! With her encouragement, he became very successful in his field and eventually started his own company. I don't think he'd have done that if he'd remained single. Some people do better as part of a team.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Don't let bitter and insecure LSers who can't get dates or who have had crap relationships spew sour grapes at you. Enjoy your boyfriend! He's an engineer? Oh, he gets a free pass! They tend not to be the most emotionally intelligent of men but can make great husbands when they are committed. Less neurotic than the creative types. My friend has been happily married over twenty years to one of those multi-dating engineers. He had only had one serious relationship before they met so was dating a couple of other women. She gave him an ultimatum after a few months and he chose her. She won! She won! With her encouragement, he became very successful in his field and eventually started his own company. I don't think he'd have done that if he'd remained single. Some people do better as part of a team. Do you think some of us are expecting too much? (My rather emotionally unintelligent boyfriend has an engineering background.) I feel like the "DON'T SETTLE" message is pushed very hard at my generation of women (Gen X), and it's probably much worse with Gen Y - but if you never settle on anything, you stay stuck in the search forever. /tangent
Phoe Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 it's understandable to feel some jealousy, but you should try to put that behind you. Don't let a girl he dated in the past ruin a relationship. She's gone. It's really all a mental thing. There's no one thing we can do or magic word we can say to help you get over it, you just have to do it. You have to choose to put it behind you and truly believe and commit to that.
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