Sick and hurting, missing him terribly, mourning the loss of our future.

[Puma]

but sometimes we need to hear the harshness reality of things to understand things better..i know it might not be the happiest approach, but i think its necesarry. why sugar coat things? i'll tell ya that id rather have someone tell me how it is then beat aroudn the bush and give me false hopes or jsut advise me that everythin will be ok! f that!! im an adult..i can take it. actually thats what helped me in my situation..i have freinds that wont baby me and tell me nice things to help me grief..they'll be like "hey! stop being an obsessed dumb***, u know what you capable of, you kno who u are, now act liek that..and cope with everythin, and show her what the hell was she thinkin!" reality hurts sometimes, but hey its an eye opener..so all i can tell ya jen jen..is to wkae up a lil, focus on yourself, dont use anythin as an excuse, and work at bein someone that ur ex bf will want to be with. if he helped ya through out ur relationship..obviously he cares enough to do so..i think other guys wouldnt want to deal with that drama, it sout of love that he did so so be thankful!! and g luck

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Yeah, and PLEASE read over your posts and realize that part of being a decent person isn't guilting someone back into a relationship. You may be ALONE for the holidays but it doesn't mean you have to be LONELY.

 

Okay, I DID NOT guilt anyone. You continue to paint me as some kind of horrible person simply because I miss someone that I love and feel bad that we didn't spend this holiday together. Your statements about depression are not factual and only show your ignorance about the disease. In fact, my boyfriend has been calling me...not the other way around. I have respected his need for time and space, letting him come to me if he so chooses. This Thanksgiving evening he called me to tell me that he's been thinking about me all day and missing me. He asked if I would like to get together next weekend. I asked him if he was ready, and told him that I didn't want him to ask to see me if he wasn't entirely comfortable with it and didn't want him to ask out of a sense of obligation, but only when he is sure. He said he would think about it during the week and make certain that's where he's at. So do not portray me as someone who is incapable of handling a situation maturely or without selfishness-- If I didn't have his best interests at heart, I would have simply grabbed onto the opportunity to see him.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Jen

 

The respect issue as I interpret it is this:

 

He has ended the relationship, he still loves you but cant be with you now or possibly in the future – depending on what you do from here on in. You have had a great relationship up till the point of your illnesses & career issues, if you take away the reason for your not handling things very well, potentially you could have a great relationship again. BUT, those reasons have to be dealt with, fully and without compromise and you have to prove you are mentally equiped to deal woth other problems in a more appropriate way if and when they come up. While you are broken up, you have to address these reasons, seek help (which you are doing) work at your career and do some soul searching as to how you ended up treating him badly and causing the end of the relationship. The best way to do this is to agree the relationship is currently (but hopefully temporarily) over – again which you are doing. As a part of this, you have to be respectful of his wishes for space and time which means not talking about your feelings together until you have reached a point where your problems are under control, and he has reached a point where he is receptive to being together again.

 

While you arent together, of course you can be friends with him, allow him to support you etc, but it will be in your interests to not bring up the relationship, if he brings it up, you can discuss matters, but only in the capacity of you accepting your part in what went wrong, and saying you will wait for him and work on yourself to ensure you are a better person in handling trauma for the future – should he wish to be with you or not. Ignoring any other issues such as Thanksgiving etc. This will serve to illustrate to him your priorities are unselfish, and help you both recover while giving you the best chance to get back together. During this period of reassessment, you must do that soul searching, I know you recognise you were wrong, but can you be sure if you were in the same circumstances again, you wouldn’t do exactly what you did this time? It takes time and reflection to get to the bottom of your motives and behaviour. That’s what he wants, he wants you to take that time.

 

I do think that this thread has been a bit harsh, but I think you needed it – you have ignored everything I have said to date, and I am not saying I am right, but I think you need to address what I and everyone else is saying, ask questions about areas you don’t agree with rather than dismissing the idea – that will help you get to the bottom of things plus also opens your eyes to other’s perspectives, who see this from an objective view. Plus it shows you are willing to open up to other ways of doing things, and you are in this situation because you need a new way of doing things. For the purpose of this thread, you are just defending yourself and on the defensive so understandably you prob arent fully listening to the advice you are being given.

 

I really do think you might have a chance of getting him back. The best way to do that is to be humble in your recovery and lashing out at posters on here wont help you in that quest. It doesn’t matter to me if you ignore me, or my advice, or spocks, or anyone else’s – the only person that will matter to you is you. In addition, I think everyone can benefit from a bucket of cold water in the face, but the majority of people who respond to break up threads are going through break ups themselves, and it doesn’t necessarily follow that because they are empathetic, they are right. Quite often, you see posts that are clouded by the posters own current experiences which may not be the best advice for you. The fact you have gained responses from people not in the same situation should show you that your situation is quite evocative.

 

What’s the update on your work & the depression? How are you getting along?

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Originally posted by BigBelm

you have to be respectful of his wishes for space and time which means not talking about your feelings together until you have reached a point where your problems are under control, and he has reached a point where he is receptive to being together again.

 

I believe he is receptive to being together again, otherwise he would not continue to contact me or have asked to see me next weekend. My boyfriend has initiated all contact with me, and when we do talk I have not been discussing my feelings with him unless he specifically asks, and I usually try to redirect the conversation to how he is feeling...not necessarily about the relationship, but just how he is getting along in general.....letting him know that I care about his happiness. And it was I, not him, who asked him to think about whether or not he is completely ready to see each other again.

 

While you arent together, of course you can be friends with him, allow him to support you etc, but it will be in your interests to not bring up the relationship, if he brings it up, you can discuss matters, but only in the capacity of you accepting your part in what went wrong, and saying you will wait for him and work on yourself to ensure you are a better person in handling trauma for the future – should he wish to be with you or not.

 

In our talks I have told him where I went wrong and how I am responsible. I'm not running away from my responsibility in this.

 

 

During this period of reassessment, you must do that soul searching, I know you recognise you were wrong, but can you be sure if you were in the same circumstances again, you wouldn’t do exactly what you did this time? It takes time and reflection to get to the bottom of your motives and behaviour. That’s what he wants, he wants you to take that time.

 

Throughout my life I have rarely made the same mistake twice. Will I ever again ignore my health and not seek out medication when I need it? Absolutely not. Never again. The risks to myself and others I love is too high. As for how I was feeling which caused me to act so irrationally? What you need to understand is that the chemical imbalance drove me into oblivion...I had reached bottom. It would not have mattered who was with me when that happened, because I was in the depths of despair -- it really felt as though my world was crashing in all around me.

 

I really do think you might have a chance of getting him back. The best way to do that is to be humble in your recovery and lashing out at posters on here wont help you in that quest.

 

Remember, it was not I who lashed out first. Yes, I have been defensive, because I really believe that many people do not understand what clinical depression is, nor do many recognize it as the disease that it is. Many people ignorantly see the way depression makes one feel and act as some sort of character flaw.

 

What’s the update on your work & the depression? How are you getting along?

 

I am plugging away at finding work...getting second and third interviews...so things are good. I feel much better on the medication. Like me again...hopeful and able to cope with the stress.

[NatoPMT]

Things sound MUCH better for you.

 

I believe he is receptive to being together again

 

I should have said here: ‘Until he attempts reconciliation’. I believe from what you have said he is receptive to the idea of being together too, but he hasn’t yet asked to try again. Until then I think current strategy is best. Do remember though that there’s no guarantee that he will come back to you, expectations have to be laid to one side – 7 months isnt a huge amount of time to go back to something that’s ended because its gone wrong. You are doing exactly the right thing, usually id advise no contact but I do think what you are going through is slightly different, do you feel strong enough to not fall into questioning him about when you can get back together or dissecting what happened or your relationship? There’s v few that are strong enough to be able to stay away from this sort of questioning of their ex-partner.

 

I mentioned in my first post that I don’t know anything about depression, and that I could only comment on how your relationship might survive this. I am genuinely interested in knowing how when you say..

 

In our talks I have told him where I went wrong and how I am responsible. I'm not running away from my responsibility in this.

 

You then afterwards say…

 

What you need to understand is that the chemical imbalance drove me into oblivion...

 

If you are responsible for your actions, and accept responsibility, then how does the chemical imbalance bear responsibility in the latter quote? How responsible are you if you are clinically depressed?

 

I am plugging away at finding work...getting second and third interviews...so things are good. I feel much better on the medication. Like me again...hopeful and able to cope with the stress.

 

Brilliant - Fingers crossed for the interviews.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Originally posted by BigBelm

do you feel strong enough to not fall into questioning him about when you can get back together or dissecting what happened or your relationship? There’s v few that are strong enough to be able to stay away from this sort of questioning of their ex-partner.

No, I'm not going to question him, because now that my mind is clear I am able to see why he needed to step away from things for awhile. It's perfectly understandable, and it's not as though he's abandoning our relationship or not providing support, because he calls and emails and lets me know that he's thinking about me and loves me -- and that's enough to get me through what I need to do.

 

I mentioned in my first post that I don’t know anything about depression, and that I could only comment on how your relationship might survive this. I am genuinely interested in knowing how when you say..

 

In our talks I have told him where I went wrong and how I am responsible. I'm not running away from my responsibility in this.

 

You then afterwards say…

 

What you need to understand is that the chemical imbalance drove me into oblivion...

 

If you are responsible for your actions, and accept responsibility, then how does the chemical imbalance bear responsibility in the latter quote? How responsible are you if you are clinically depressed?

I fully accept my responsibility in not seeking treatment when I should have -- before I sank further into depression. I saw the signs and knew what was happening. However, the feelings and behaviors that one has in depression is not something that one can just snap out of -- you become a shell of your former self. I wish there was a way to explain it best. Imagine the kind of grief that one feels when someone they love dies...it is sort of like that. Add to that a complete sense (which feels very REAL) that there is no hope, that your entire world is crashing around you every second of every day. Total despair. Crying fits you cannot control or explain to others. The people you love try to tell you that what you are feeling isn't really how things are, yet you feel it so intensely. And this is where the problems start -- they are trying to hold you up, lift you up, and you lash out because you can't understand why they don't see what you see. It's a distorted reality...but it's still your reality...which brings about all the irrational fears and behavior.

 

I am plugging away at finding work...getting second and third interviews...so things are good. I feel much better on the medication. Like me again...hopeful and able to cope with the stress.

 

Brilliant - Fingers crossed for the interviews.

Thank you! I feel hopeful about this. It may not work out, but I still have hope....something depression wouldn't allow me to have.

[Puma]

best of luck to ya..remember there is always hope!! keep the faith and live n learn