Sick and hurting, missing him terribly, mourning the loss of our future.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I am totally depressed and heartbroken too. Saturday night my boyfriend of seven months broke up with me. Here's what happened:

 

Two months ago my job ended because the operation shut down. So I started to look for work and have been very, very unlucky finding anything. It's a bit more complicated than that, but I won't bore you. I've been dealing with large medical debt for quite some time, and so I live paycheck to paycheck. I was told I would be paid through Nov. 15th, and then I need to file for unemployment, which I don't think will cover my expenses. To make matters worse, I've been without health insurance for the last year and I have post-cancer treatment checkups that I can't take care of. I've been scared about how I will pay the rent and get by.

 

As soon as I started getting rejected by employers two months ago, I became more scared about my perilous situation and fell into a deep depression. Scared of my own shadow, constantly negative, hopeless and feeling worthless. Then I started to take it out on my boyfriend by only seeing the negative in everything he did or didn't do...and I interpreted everything the wrong way most of the time. I clung to him for safety and drowned him in my sorrows constantly. I isolated myself from my friends and wouldn't go to them for support...so my boyfriend had to shoulder nearly all of it. It got worse with each passing week.

 

Instead of bucking up and going to the doctor to get medication which would have helped me cope with the stress so I could be a good girlfriend and friend and jobseeker, I insisted that I wouldn't do it because I couldn't afford it and didn't want any more debt. My boyfriend grew increasingly more frustrated because he felt helpless to help me -- guys are fixers and want to fix things....this was something he couldn't fix.

 

So this last Saturday we went to a party and I got really, really drunk (not good when you're depressed), and things went downhill after we got home to my apartment. There isn't a whole lot that I remember except that he got angry and started to leave and I threw myself down in front of the door to stop him from leaving and I was sobbing like like a crazy woman. I guess in that moment I was crazy. Oh, and it got worse. He left out the backdoor instead and I ran down the street after him. That's when he had to get mean and told me I was crazy and to go home. So I did. I went home and I drunk emailed him some totally stupid stuff...essentially blaming him (what the heck was I thinking).

 

The next afternoon after I'd sobered up, I called him. He told me it was over. He said that our relationship was unhealthy. He said that he wanted me to get better, but that we aren't good for each other. He said that he was still crazy in love with me, but couldn't be with me. It hurt so bad to hear. I asked him if he would be willing to wait for me until I get on medication and get better, and at first I thought he might be open to that...but the way he ended the call, I'm not so sure.

 

This is so hard because before I got depressed, things were really good. I was under stress because I knew my job was ending, but I could handle it and was scared, but hopeful and felt I would be okay. We were such a loving couple...able to talk about anything...work through anything...said "i love you" everyday....supported each other in our ambitions....knew each others families and friends....talked about us in the future all the time. But because I let this depression fester without getting help, now I've lost him. He's unable to remember all the wonderful good times. He's unable to see that it could be like that again once I'm not sick anymore.

 

Yesterday I got meds from the doc, and he said it would take a couple of weeks before I started to feel better. And I'm wondering how on earth I am going to get through this rough time...especially with the holidays and my birthday coming....and missing him so much... How will I work on getting past this depression when I face a life without him on the other side. This man really was the one that I'd been waiting for all my life. I'm almost 31 (he's 36), and I've been hurt badly twice before, and met a lot of jerks, but my boyfriend really was a prince of a man....and I thought we would be so happy together in the future...perfect together as we were in the five months before I got sick. I'm hurting so bad and I don't know what to do. I wish he missed me as much as I do ....maybe he does....and would agree to come back to me when I'm back in my right mind....when I'm the strong, independent woman he fell in love with.

[katty]

I am so very sorry to hear about all of your misfortune. I know it may sound really weird but right now I would worry about getting myself better and once you are back to your old self your b/f will probably feel more comfortable coming around. who knows. Your story hit a nerve with me b/c I am going thru some of the similar things you are. keep your chin up it will get better. Last Jan. I quit a job that I had been at for 12 years, no health insurance, etc. and decided to open my own business. I will not lie to you it has been a uphill battle from day one. I know that it will be quite some time before I am making at the job I quit but I know someday it will happen. The reason I am telling you this is b/c my b/f bailed on me approximately 2 weeks after my big decision. He was one of the main reasons I decided to make this transition in the first place. He came back a few weeks later when my head seemed to be back on my shoulders straight again. He recently pulled the disappearance act again on me and I assumed he would be back so I just let it be. He got engaged 2 months after our breakup (ouch). I have been devastated since I found out. I am only telling you this stuff b/c I wanted you to know a little about my situation so that maybe we could help each other.

 

I did like you did and alienated all of my friends for him etc. so I know that it is sometimes difficult to talk to friends and family about your situation b/c in a way you are expecting them to say I told you so. Well thats how I feel mine would react. Anyways I just wanted to tell you to hang in there they say it gets better, I am not there yet but hopefully I will be soon. Just concentrate on getting yourself well. That is the most important thing right now. Keep posting it helps, and let me know if I can ever help you in any way. Kat

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Thank you Kat! Really, chatting with people who've been through it helps.

 

I know what you mean about feeling like you let your friends and family down when you break up with someone. Just today I got an email from my aunt who said she was glad that my boyfriend could make to the Christmas party at her house...that she thought he was a real sweetheart...and she's glad I met him. She has no idea about my depression, or what just happened between me and him....and I just don't have the heart to tell her. I think it's hard to tell people because it's like you have to admit that it's over, and to say it out loud hurts.

 

Well, here's the latest update: I sent him an email telling him how my heart felt, and he replied yesterday. He said that he is still in love with me, but that he believes that love sometimes isn't enough to make a happy couple. He said that I really scared him and that my behavior was over the top (it was). He said that he's scared because in his past relationship with someone who was depressed, they just spiraled downward and didn't listen to him and in the end he got hurt the more he held on. There were a couple of things he said which make me think that he might be open to seeing me later, but said that right now it's not safe or healthy for us to be together. He's right. I sent him an email telling him that I understand how he feels...that I still love him....that i've started treatment and meds for depression....that I will give him the time and space that he needs....that I only want him to tell me how he is doing, because i worry about him....that i hope that when i'm normal again that he'll want what we had again. I'm scared, and I'm sad that I've hurt him. Right now I'm doing the best that I can to make this right. I just hope that in the end we will be happy together again....and that he'll want that too.

[katty]

Good Morning Jen Jen, I guess you are like me and can't sleep very well these days.

How are you doing? Hope you are feeling better than yesterday. Kat

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Yes, I suppose I am feeling a bit better than the other day. How are you doing?

 

It helps to know that my boyfriend still loves me -- although it hurts too, because I know that I really ripped apart his heart. I think I feel a bit better because I'm on medication now and finally have hope that I will begin to feel better than I have for weeks.

 

The new meds make it hard to sleep for very long...I'm still adjusting.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I'm feeling a bit sad. I haven't gotten a reply e-mail from him yet. He always checks his email at the same time each day, and that time has passed for today. Tomorrow is the day when he works two jobs and rarely sends emails on Thursdays...so I know I won't be hearing from him tomorrow either. Ugh.....I know that I'm being impatient, but I can't help it. I miss him and worry about how he is.

[NatoPMT]

You have started on the right road, you are getting help for your depression and that’s your starting point. I am so sorry to hear about your physical health problems, I know nothing about treatment in the US and how the insurance etc works so I will just comment on your relationship situation. I hope someone else can offer you physical/mental health advice. Can you say anymore about your job situation? What action are you taking to deal with that? Start a new thread and ask LS’ers for advice on your meds etc, there are plenty of posters with experience and excellent advice.

 

Your bf still loves you. That’s great news. After everything that’s happened, he still feels that for you. But this is a time to rebuild your life, you absolutely have to make that priority. Stop discussing your relationship with him and show him the respect he deserves. You know hes right in the action hes taken, so show you know that by taking control and dealing with the problems that caused your depression, ask his advice, ask for his support. If he has prior experience of depression he could be a great source of help for you, even though you aren’t together. This may serve to help you get through this, plus show him you are serious in fixing the issues without pressuring him.

 

Things WILL get better if you make them, you have the power to do exactly what you need to do here. Turn your life around and make this a happy story. Good luck Jen.

[katty]

I apologize ahead of time for being so short and quick with this response and promise to post more later,,,however just wanted to know if you checked the status of your email to see if and when he had read the email. It maybe that he hasn't read it yet. Just wanted to see if you checked that. I am feeling a little bit better. Hope you are to. Kat

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Hi Kat! Nope, haven't gotten anything back from him so far....and there's no way for me to know if he opened it. But I'm pretty sure that he has read it already, because he checks email every day because he gets email from his private business clients. I don't know, maybe he's not ready to respond yet. There's a part of me that's kind of hurt about it, because i keep thinking that if he still loved me like he says he does then he would at least want to check in with me to see how I'm doing with the new medication and stuff. I mean, the doctor and my mom and my friends tell me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, because I'm sick...that mental illness is a disease....so wouldn't you want to check to see how someone you love is doing if they are sick? I know that some people don't understand this, but he works in the mental health field...he of all people should understand.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Update: My boyfriend called on Saturday. He said that he still loves me, but he just doesn't know where he is with things. I asked him if he wanted what we had before I got sick, and he said that he does. He said that he's been keeping himself busy and taking on extra hours at work. This is what he does when he's upset with his personal life...he becomes a workaholic. He really couldn't give me any answers about whether or not he would want to continue the relationship, but I told him I had an interview on Monday and he did send me an email wishing me good luck and that he would be thinking about me, and he signed it "love (yes love)". He also asked if he could call me on Friday. I am a bit sad and let down about Thanksgiving, because I was supposed to be with him and his family, but that's changed and now I will be alone for the holidays because my family will be with in-laws or out of town.

[Mr Spock]

You REALLY need to stop obessing about him and focus on healing yourself, and the other parts of your life that are broken right now.

 

Yes, you came unglued, and it wasn't pretty. It happens, you're stressed, depressed and unemployed not to mention in debt.

 

 

However, you handled it like an assh*le, and now you have to pay the price because you ruined your current relationship. Let's face it, 7 months is NOT a long time in the relationship scene and I'm suprised your BF stuck around for as long as he did considering you started to get nasty at the 5 month mark.

 

 

So what do you do? You RESPECT his wishes, and give him time. You don't keep harassing him to see if he wants to take you back. You pull up your socks and be an adult. Leave him alone-work on yourself. Fix what's wrong with you before you start trying to fix your relationship.

 

I think you're being horribly immature about the whole thing. I don't think you're "sick" I think you were being a dickhead. Depression doesn't remove choices for behaviour it just makes life suck. Send him one last email stating you're trying to put your life back together and you appreciate him standing by you as long as he did, and that you still would like to work things out but understand you have to fix yourself before that can happen, and then DO IT.

[Sukotto]

Well i think spock has been a bit harsh though everything she is saying is valid.

 

Why attempt to fix two broken things at once? You need to sort out number one and after your feeling better and you have a job then you can start considering repairing a relationship. But by that point you'll have changed as a person and you may no longer want to consider a relationship with this guy. 7 months is really a short time, I spent 7 months just being friends with my last girlfriend before the 2.5 year relationship.

[NatoPMT]

maybe spock was being harsh because she has said pretty much what i posted earlier, and jen didnt listened to me.

 

its pretty much the name of the original problem jen, your bf thought he could help you, and you ignored his advice. listen to spock but take what she says to send you in the right direction, dont allow self indulgence to spoil this opportunity

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Who the heck are you to say that I haven't been respecting his wishes? I have only contacted him after he has contacted me. And he was the one that said he wanted to call me and would call again. If he said I don't want to talk to you anymore, I wouldn't...but that's not what he is saying. And how dare you suggest that I am not doing what I need to do with respect to my health -- I AM! And Spock, you obviously have no first hand understanding about clinical depression or similar diseases, otherwise you wouldn't make such insensitive or ignorant statments. I didn't "start to get nasty" as you claim, I got sick. You should also learn how to communicate with people without insulting them with profane comments. As my mother would say, "Do you eat with that mouth too?"

[Mr Spock]

Oh, get over yourself. Depression may be the cause of your nasty behaviour but it's NOT an excuse. Telling your ex that you were sick and you want to work things out without actually fixing your inner problems isn't going to make anything better.

 

 

You're mooning about how if he REALLY loved you he'd be contacting you to see how you're doing. How about you just put him through hell and he needs a break from you? Think about that. In a way, you're still manipulating him.

 

And you're upset about how now you don't have anyone to spend christmas or thanksgiving with. Do you know how many other people are spending the holidays alone right now? It's still all about you, you you. Volunteer your time at a soup kitchen and see how the truly destitue spend the holidays, and you'll be thankful for what you have.

 

You're pressuring him for answers NOW. You want to know NOW if he's going to come back to you. What if he doesn't want to now? Why don't you take the advice, back off, sort through all this crap, learn to handle your depression in a less destructive and selfish way THEN see where things are.

[johan]

Um... Good advice?

 

Was that OK, Mr. Spock, sir? Imeanma'am!!Was that OK, Mr. Spock, ma'am? Imeanmiss!! Was that OK, Ms. Spock, ma'am?? I'm so confused...

 

donthitme!!

[Mr Spock]

Dude, I have NO idea what you're talking about....clarify? Sarcasm? Humour? What?

[magda]

jen_jen, I can definately relate to what you're saying and what you've gone through. spock was pretty harsh, but that is how some people react to depression sometimes - even those who have had first-hand experience. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking that you are helpless to some disease and that only medication can help. While that may be true to a degree, you do have some control over your thoughts and choices and don't let yourself believe otherwise or you will be completely helpless. You need to be strong right now and believe that you can conquer this. I see spock's point, and I also see that you're hurt. When it rains, it pours... That's the crappy thing about relationships... they can be very fair-weather, you know? I agree that you are doing a great thing by focusing on yourself. And I think that your love has answered your question about the possibilities of getting together. You can't expect him to promise anything, because if he did, essentially that would practically mean you're back together instantly. Instead he's let you know that he still cares, but that he needs to see how you get through this on your own. He needs to see you strong - someone who can be his equal instead of a dependant! Depending on how crazy you got that night and the times building up to it, that is how long it might take to prove yourself and how you will go about it.

 

mr. spock, i believe johan fears you and your whip.

[Mr Spock]

Yeah, and PLEASE read over your posts and realize that part of being a decent person isn't guilting someone back into a relationship. You may be ALONE for the holidays but it doesn't mean you have to be LONELY.

 

 

I have no whip.

[johan]

Sarcasm. Humor. You probably needed to be there. I'm sure some of my other posts will get the same reception tonight. Probably too many Halls Extra Strengths.

 

I was just making fun of your tough love approach. Everything you said was right, by the way. No surprise though that your message didn't get through. Too bad, because you were dead on.

[Mr Spock]

I figured. I have the same problem, I think I'm HILARIOUS.

[jellybean]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Oh, get over yourself.

 

Mr Spock...that was a very cruel thing to say to someone who is hurting so bad.

[Mr Spock]

So you say. I don't think so. I think wallowing in a pool of self pity does her no good.

[jellybean]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

Who isn't hurting about something?

 

Exactly...and a little compassion can go a long way.

[Mr Spock]

Ok. Last time I'm going to explain it.

 

Girl suffers from depression. Depression causes girl to have feelings of frustration, worthlessness, anxeity, anger-you name it. Girl channels those feelings into selfish, immature behaviour that gets targeted against her BF. BF decides he's had enough, and leaves her. Girl snaps out of it!! Realizes she needs to get depression treated. So she does. Good for her, it's a positive sign. Begs boyfriend for another chance-but without adressing (or accepting responsibility) for the parts in her head that lead her to believe it was OK to channel all her feelings that way. Saying that you were sick but you're better now doesn't forgive or excuse poor behaviour, you need to address the part of you that made it OK in your head to be such a bag to your boyfriend, you don't want to slip into similiar behaviour patterns again.

 

 

You want to see compassion? Then you give it. Don't expect it out of anyone else but yourself.