Bad breakup, no contact, just diagnosed with High Risk HPV

[Seekkkk]

Hi all, I'm new to here. I am in a situation that I seriously need your advice.

 

My ex and me broke up 6 months ago, we broke on bad term, no contact for 5 months. I have just done a routine pap test and a HPV DNA test, result come back pap normal but high risk HPV is detected.

 

Just in case you don't know what is HPV: It is a very common STI which is spread via skin-to-skin contact of genital area, it is not included in a standard STD test and don't show symptom on men, indeed there is no high risk HPV test available on men, so lots of men are carriers and spreading the virus unknowingly. As it is spread via skin contact, condom can only provide around 70% protection. It generally does no harm on men, but can be deadly to women, as it is the major cause of cervical cancer. In rare case, HPV can also cause oral cancer.

 

I am still devastated about the HPV+ result and thinking what should I do. I am really torn about whether I should contact my ex to inform the bad news that he might have high risk HPV. But I don't want to be verbally abused again. I still remember his horrible words during our breakup. He is not a reasonable person, I can't talk to him without ended up being verbally hurt. Though it was 6 months ago, I am still hurting inside. I am not sure if I can take it again and the possible blaming from him. He has never admitted his wrong, he blamed me for all the faults. My last words to him was that I have had enough of his hurtful words and it is better for us no contact. We haven't contacted each other since then. I still love him and care about him, even after 5 months no contact, but I really can't get pass the hurt he gave me, even just think about those words will bring me tear. I have accepted that we won't be together again and we can't be friend as he is too selfish and insensitive about others. But deep in my heart I wish him the best and I don't want the HPV causes him any illness later in life. I can imagine he will blame me for passing him the nasty virus. But there is no way to find out who passes it to who. We were not virgin and we were not tested before being together. Indeed, I have never heard about HPV and there is no test for men. If he care to listen and educate himself about it, he would know it is unfair to blame on me. But I know he won't. It was frustrating to deal with him. He was like a spoil child wants all the good and loads all the bad to others.

 

What should I do? I feel I am too weak to deal with him at the moment, I am still hurting from the breakuo and devastated about the news. I am really exhausted and sick of all the things has happened since I met him.

 

Any advices will be appreciated. Thanks a lot.

[Omei]

All you have to do is send him an email with the info, and deleat any incoming replies as you warned him and have nothing else to say.

 

Leave the rest to him to educate himself on it, im sure he has Google.

[Seekkkk]

I think why I am so worry about breaking the new to him is I am still care how he see and feel about me. I am not sure should I use such a "harsh" and impersonal way to send him the bad news.... I will sleep over it. Thank you for the advice Omei.

[Omei]

I think why I am so worry about breaking the new to him is I am still care how he see and feel about me. I am not sure should I use such a "harsh" and impersonal way to send him the bad news.... I will sleep over it. Thank you for the advice Omei.

 

When you speak to him you said he verbally abuses you, You have every right to not be impersonal. He's not considerate of your feelings when you speak together not even willing to speak on civil terms. Why do you owe him anything more!

[Zahara]

I think why I am so worry about breaking the new to him is I am still care how he see and feel about me. I am not sure should I use such a "harsh" and impersonal way to send him the bad news.... I will sleep over it. Thank you for the advice Omei.

 

Sending him an email about it isn't harsh and impersonal. The objective is to get the message across, doing it by email accomplishes that. That's all you need to do. This is not someone you can have an adult conversation with and have a healthy dialogue.

 

Stop using this as an excuse to break contact. The fact that he verbally abused you over a break-up and seeing that he is an unreasonable person is very much cause for you to do it over email and save yourself from more hurt.

 

But what do we know, do what you need to do.

[chinacat sunflower]

I was diagnosed with severe dysplasia ONE WEEK after my ex and I split. I do not recommend contacting him about this at all. The thing with HPV is it can lay dormant in your body for years without showing any signs. Complete with normal paps as well. Therefore, you do not know for sure it's from him or not. 80% of people that are sexually active have some strains of HPV. If you keep up with your routine ob/gyn visits and take their advice it's not the end of the world. It took me a little while to come to terms with this.

 

I wanted to contact my ex so badly when I found out the news, I even asked my ob/gyn for advice and she advised me not to even bother telling him about it, because there is nothing he can do. I know it sucks, but somethings are better left unsaid.

 

I never ended up telling my ex about it, but I'm sure if I did, I would regret it now. All I can imagine is him throwing it in my face and saying that I'm gross, a sl*t, etc. I had enough trauma with the whole HPV thing, I didn't want to take the risk of him not being supportive.

 

I will leave you with this quote from a show I started to watch after this whole fiasco. It's called Girls and it's on HBO. The main character was diagnosed with HPV. Her best friend's response:

"All adventurous women do" (have HPV) Anyways, it made me "lol" and actually kind of made me feel better in some strange way. Hopefully it brought a smile to your face.

 

Chin up, be strong, and best of luck

[Seekkkk]

Omei, Zahara, I know I don't owe him anything. i guess i am too giving relationship wise.

 

Chinacat Sunflower, thank you for sharing your experience. Your advice help me see it from another perspective. It sounds like your ex and mine are the same type of person -- immature, inconsiderate and selfish.

[Zahara]

Omei, Zahara, I know I don't owe him anything. i guess i am too giving relationship wise.

 

Chinacat Sunflower, thank you for sharing your experience. Your advice help me see it from another perspective. It sounds like your ex and mine are the same type of person -- immature, inconsiderate and selfish.

 

I wouldn't mistake being giving versus being a doormat.

 

First off, if you are giving in a relationship, make sure it works both ways. Fact is, you are not in a relationship anymore. So "giving" plays no part because now you have to be looking out for yourself and preserving your own mental and emotional health.

 

Secondly, you responded to Chinacat that he is immature, inconsiderate and selfish, so why are you still wanting to be "giving" to someone like that? I can only think that it's because you want to break contact for other reasons.

[Seekkkk]

Zahara,

It is not that I "want" to be giving, it is my nature, I'm just naturally being giving. I can't help it I can't fight it. I might be a "doormat" as you have described, but I can identify he is unreasonable and stop taking it anymore. I tried to discuss and explain what went wrong, but he couldn't see his wrong and blamed me for all the problems. And we broke up. I don't stay in a relationship if i have to be a doormat so as to be in the relationship.

 

I admit I am still thinking of him everyday. I still have strong feeling about him, lots of mixed emotion. But I don't think I want to break no contact, indeed, I am scared to contact him. He is unpredictable. He would be sweet in a moment than turn into a cruel insensitive jerk. I would rather avoid any contact, any possible hurt and demage. But it doesn't mean I don't care about him. Deep in my heart i wish him the best and wish he can see his wrong and change one day.

[Zahara]

I'm going to be direct with you because you seem to be going in circles in a fog.

 

1. You are giving. I get it. Give to those that return the same kindness. "I can't help it, I can't fight it" means you have no boundaries. You're saying that even when someone treats me like shytt, I'm still going to give. When someone treats you badly, you stay away from them. You don't extend kindness at the expense of being abused.

 

2. If you want to tell him about the HPV, email the information to him and block right after that so that you save yourself from any backlash. The objective of sending the email is only to share that specific issue and nothing else. Block him after you send that email because you do not need anything more from him.

 

3. You have high-risk HPV and if you don't take care of your health, you have a chance of it escalating. I'm not sure if you had a biopsy but whatever stage you're in, now is the time to focus on 1) Eating healthy 2) Sleeping well 3) Exercising 4) Being positive mind and body 5) Building your immune system. Focus on creating a new lifestyle.

 

4) It's normal to care for someone you loved even if they treated you badly. But it stops right there.

 

All this emotional distress weakens the immune system. Get working on healing yourself emotionally and physically.