jsoe192003823 Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 hey, just looking for outsiders opinions on this: ive been involved in a relationship for 8 months now, my first real relationship. she and i had been friends for about 2 years before hand, all of which time she was dating another guy. she lost her virginity to the other guy, and being friends with her, and friends with her friends, i ended up hearing about their numerous sesions. i never knew her very well, was better friends with her friend, but when we got together it made me really happy. i was a virgin going into the relationship and had high morals for only having sex with one person. i cant seem to get over her past relationship where she had sex with this other guy. though i have had sex with her, its hard to know that she has had sex so many times with this other guy, and i will never have her virginity. if it werent for that, i would have married this girl already, as she is perfect for me, i just need to get over my problem. need advice
sami Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 It is either you work on yourself to accept what you have or simply move on for someone who fits you most. You can't just hang up like that. It is not good for anyone of you.
bluechocolate Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 i was a virgin going into the relationship and had high morals for only having sex with one person. from sami It is either you work on yourself to accept what you have or simply move on for someone who fits you most. You can't just hang up like that. It is not good for anyone of you. I agree. its hard to know that she has had sex so many times with this other guy, and i will never have her virginity. if it werent for that, i would have married this girl already, Have you told her this? She deserves to know if she's wasting her time with you - 8 months is a long time for someone to turn around & then say, "sorry, I can't marry you because you're not a virgin".
sami Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 thank you for much for your support. I really appreciate it.
allina Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 You sound a little immature, I'm curious how old you are. You say that you would have already married her if it wasn't for this, yet if you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, her having sex with a guy she dated for a long time previous to you shoulden't matter. Also I suggest maybe discussing morals and ideals before getting too serious since it appears that you two may differ in opinion in that area. You need to decide rather you love her and want to be with her or if you will dwell on this issue and let it ruin the relationship, in which case you would either die a vigrin or a hypocrite.
allina Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 i apologize if it sounded rude, that was not my intention
sami Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 No problem. We simply don't want to turn people off or send them away. This might be the only channel of communication open to them. Thank you much for your understanding. You don't need to be oversensitive to the virginity issue.
morrigan Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Your girlfriend's ex and her relationship with him have contributed to the person that you love. I agree that acceptance is a part of loving anyone--none of us are ever going to fufill someone else's idealisms. Try to see that her choice to have sex wasn't wrong or immoral, just a natural part of a relationship, just as your sexual feelings for her are natural. But you have to see that this relationship, as well as her sexual behavior with him, is firmly in the past. Her attention is focused on you, not on someone else. Having loved/had a sexual relationship with someone else once does not detract from the feelings she has for you. If you still can't reconcile your ideas with this, you should end the relationship.
GirlDown Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 this girl wasn't buried under a rock until you came along with your "high morals." perhaps this girl and the guy she chose to share her first experience with felt the same way--both virgins, both "in love", and thought it felt right. maybe not, but maybe so. in any case, who do you think you are to question it? get over it or leave her alone. she doesn't need to feel guilty about something she did that definitely does not involve you. this knowledge was obviously not hidden from you. if it bothered you so much, you shouldn't have started dating/having sex with this girl. if you cared about her enough have this kind of relationship with her regardless of what you laready know, this issue should have been resolved in your own mind before it even began.
sami Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 This poor fellow is simply seeking advice as to how he can handle this problem he is having about the whole situation. He has no third option other than to either love or leave her. He has to deal with his own unresolved issues first.
GirlDown Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 yeah, that's kinda the point. he can also relax a little but. i think it's less about morals than it is about jealousy, the thought of her having sex with someone who is not him, regardless of when it occurred.
JessicaAlmond Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 I agree with some posters. She did have a life with somebody else before she met you and what she chose to do is completely normal. Everyone has those thoughts sometimes about the people in our SO's life. But you can't dwell on them and if they become to much of an issue you have to let them go and find someone else. She is with you now and having sex with you, and frankly if it doesn't work out you might not be the last. Enjoy what you have and don't let it slip by worrying about the past. It's the past and she's with you know. Don't cry over spilt milk.
250r Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Its very much a jealous thing. We all suffer from it in varrying degrees - some very little, some very much. I tend to be more jealous when it comes to my significant others past, I can admit it. You just have to tell yourself that they are with you now. You just have to put it in the back of your mind and let it be or it will torment you. You are no longer a virgin either right? You can't ask from someone else what you can't even offer yourself IMO. She was in a long term relationship and only had one other sexual partner. That sounds like pretty admirable morals to me. Anyways, good luck to you and don't let that ruin your relationship...
GirlDown Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 also, with these "high morals on being with one person", does this mean that if you and this girl don't work out together (which is a huge possibility, given your issues) that you will never sleep with someone else besides her? after all, you're supposed to practice what you preach. think about after this girl, you meet another one who feels like you do. she's a virgin, and wishes you were too. but you're not now. wouldn't you have a hundred reasons why this behaviour was okay for you at the time? i think you most definitely would. but don't we all think we are the exception to every rule...
Jilly10340 Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 I'm having this same problem now, but I'm on the other side of the fence. I just started seeing a guy who's a virgin and I'm not. He told me the other day that it bothers him how many people I've been with. I'll tell you what I told him: Everything I've been through and all the things that have happened in the past are what makes me who I am, which is a person that you like. I can't change the past, and I won't be made to feel like I did something wrong because I don't think I have. I told him that he either needs to accept it or move on. If it's going to be a detriment to the relationship or hurt it in anyway, then he needs to tell me that before it goes any further. I asked him what he wanted to do about it and he said there was nothing he could do. I told him that yeah, if it bothered him enough he could dump me. Well, he didn't dump me and he told me that he likes me so much and that he has accepted it. I talked to one of my guy friends and he said that it's a guy thing. No guy likes to think about their girlfriend with other guys. It's just jealousy.
GirlDown Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 i agree with you completely, jilly. this guy maybe needs to grow up a little before he can be in a relationship that involves sex if he has so many issues with it.
Jilly10340 Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 I think it does have to do with maturity. When you've never had sex it's the biggest deal in the world. But afterwards, it's still important and special, but it's not the big huge thing it's made up to be.
JoL Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 If you are going to have a hangup on stuff she has done before she was with you, then your relationship is in trouble before it has even begun. You need to get over it if you want this relationship to last. It's not fair on her if you are judging her and playing the jealousy game. Believe me, if these problems dont get resolved the resentment and jealousy and emotional blackmail will grow and grow. If you just HAVE to be with a virgin, then perhaps this isnt the girl for you. Her past has nothing to do with you and you shouldnt take it so personally. The person i lost my virginity to had been with someone before me..it didnt stop me from loving them enough to want to share my first time with them..and i knew it was very important to that person as well to share it with me. Sure, it made me a little jealous at times, but nothing like what you're describing.. you sound like you're obsessing. figure out what's more important to you- having a healthy relationship with a girl who happens to not be a virgin- or try and find yourself a virgin (no guarantees there either).
Naive Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 If you really love her then it should not be a big deal. That was before she was with you. How should she have known she had to save herself for you??? Would you like someone else to feel that way about you if you ever hook up with someone else that you really like? Because she made love with someone else before you it does not make her a bad person. Maybe she was in love with him and if not so what??? It's her body, it was before you, and at least it was not 50 guys!!!
termofendearment Posted November 22, 2004 Posted November 22, 2004 At the start of this year, I also had incredibly high standards about sex. I was going to save it for the "right person", and until we had been in a relationship together for long enough that I knew it was serious, long-term, and that we were very much in love with each other. Then I got together with my boyfriend, and slept with him just over a week later. I don't regret it for a second, as 10 months on we are still together, and very happy, but I failed to reach my own expectations. Therefore, I guess I can't expect anyone else to live up to them if not even I can. And this is where it gets weird. My boyfriend has had one sexual partner before me, and I have had serious problems accepting this. It's not so much the physical fact of him having been with someone else, so much as the emotional side of things that bothers me so much. Even though I know the relationship between my boyfriend and his ex is most definitely over, while I'm in this relationship (my first) I can never know what it feels like to be in his situation. My only sexual experiences have been with this one man, and as a result they're linked to very positive thoughts and feelings. For me, then, that's what sex is about because I know no other kind. I can't get out of my head that he must have felt those same things for his ex, and that she'll always be more special to him than me because not only did he feel and experience those things with her, but she was the first person he shared that with. So in some ways I still see her as a threat. At least part of it is to do with how for the longest time I've thought that the only way I could ever be the best at anything is to be the only one. No matter how much I love this man, know without a doubt that he loves me, and want to make this relationship work (and I do), this still haunts me sometimes. Out of nowhere I'll find myself imagining him with her, doing and saying the same things he does with and to me. It quite literally chills me to the bone. I wish it didn't. I wish I could get past it, but there's some mental block there which won't stop seeing her and their relationship as a threat, even though he didn't even know I existed when he was with her. I know how difficult these things can be to get past, but I'm going to try my best. I refuse to give up on a wonderful relationship because of my own hang-ups.
Mr Spock Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 I think people who have problems with their partner's past sexual history have control issues....... I don't think it makes you have higher morals, just different ones.
UCFKevin Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 I think it's a little hypocritical in a way for you to have wanted her for yourself, to give each other your virginities. At least you didn't get blood all over your sheets. Get over it. Sorry to sound so harsh, but it's not HER fault she didn't wait for you, for God's sake, she lived before you.
wbb Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 Well said, termofendearment. I went through the same thing and felt exactly the same. I think it has more to do with the need to feel special than to be in control. I think people who think this way tend to be very (and even overly) romantic. I know I certainly were. I wanted to share my life with my SO, but I will never be able to share that. I dealt with it by focusing on other things my SO made me feel special. Btw, we are no longer together. She left me and went back to her first. The night she left, she said, "I can't be with you. I have a history." I guess it bothered her more than it did me. There was a special bond that I never could obtain and she saw that more important than anything else. Sad but true.
honey2005 Posted November 23, 2004 Posted November 23, 2004 If she wasn't dating you at the time she lost her virginity to someone else I don't see what the problem is. You can't change what's been done, you either have to accept it or find someone else to be with who hasn't been with someone else.
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