Jen36 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Ok, this might be a long post, please bear with me. Five weeks ago, my former boyfriend's Father committed suicide. I felt bad for him, so I went to the funeral. Not that many people showed up, but I was impressed how he presented himself as a strong, in control young man. A week after the funeral a friend of mine who lives near him told me that she hasn't seen him outside of his house since the funeral. I began to worry he might have took his own life because of all he has went through. You see, this is not his first tragedy. His Mother died when he was 11 years old in a car crash, she was drunk at the time. His Mother was an alcoholic, who shouldn't have even had a child. She never really loved him, and never cared for him. Some people have told me all she did was go out and drink throughout the day and shop with her friends, she was hardly home for her son. Unfortunately his Father was not any better. He had some serious issues. He used to beat on son all the time and would be verbally abusive. No one ever helped him, he had to deal with it. Even though all of this happened, he turned out ok, he was kind and did really well in school. This is what attracted me to him (and his nice body) five years ago when we were both 16 and in high school (now we are both 21). Unfortunately we only dated for less than a year, because 4 years ago his Father was diagnosed with a terminal disease and he wanted my boyfriend to take care of him. My boyfriend did, and we both decided that we should stop dating because of this situation. It ended on a good note. Of course his Father was still verbally nasty to him, but my boyfriend gave up going to college out of state to take care of his Father. Then five weeks ago his Father just decides to kill him self at night, by a drug overdose, not saying goodbye, thank you, or anything. Although it didn't work as he wanted, according to my boyfriend it was a slow and painful death, and he watched his Father die that morning. He told me it was the worst thing he was ever saw in his life. Now the only reason why I know all of this is because he has been telling me little bits and pieces here and there for the past 4 weeks. After I heard that he hasn't been out of his house for a week, I decided to go over there, I just went without calling him first. Surprisingly he answered the door, but he looked terrible, he looked really worn out. He let me in, and we just talked, nothing emotional happened. Then I decided to make him dinner. For the next few days I visited him, made him dinner, and talked to him, again nothing emotional. After the third day I noticed that he wasn't looking any better, so I took a huge risk and asked if I could sleep over to be with him. Surprisingly he agreed, and I slept in another room (at this time we haven't slept with each other yet). That is when I noticed he wasn't sleeping at night. Then I really stared to worry about him, and something in me kicked in that wanted to take care of him. So now for the past 4 weeks I have been living with him, I live in my own apartment anyway and college is nearby. During this time he has really warmed up to me, he has been telling me abut his life, and crying a lot. I have noticed though I have changed. I have been making him all of his meals, washing his clothes, and just loving him more and more. We now slept together in the same bed. Throughout the day I hug him and kiss him on his head. I constantly holding him, cuddling with him, putting his head on my breasts, stroking his hair. I am telling him I love him, and telling him that he is the love of my life. I love grocery shopping with him, watching him enjoy the meals I make for him. At night, I hold him and tell him to sleep, and that I love him. I notice when I am talking to him I talk softly, and call him sweet names. I love how he trusts me, and I am the only person who knows about his life. I get this wonderful warm feeling when I am holding him and caring for him, I can't describe it, it almost feels maternal. I find myself being protective of him, when he is out doing errands, or something. I have never felt this way before, it is a new kind of love. It makes me sick thinking about how his parents treated him, especially his Mother, how could she treat someone like her son like that? Is it wrong that I love him almost maternally, and that for maybe just once in his life, he can feel unconditional love like what most Mothers give? I want to replace all of his bad experiences. Don't get me wrong, I do love him like a boyfriend, but right now I love this feeling I get loving him maternally and nurturing him. I love his special bond we now have. I am just confused though, is it possible to show both kinds of love? I'm sorry for how long this is, and for the sloppy wording. There is just so much on my mind right now, and I appreciate any input. Thank you.
Philosoraptor Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 We all become protective over our significiant others when they need us, and love is a constantly evolving thing. He wasn't your boyfriend when this started and though you seem to very much care about him, you are trying to right a wrong and be a caretaker to someone who though you cared about, was not your significiant other. I can't promise things will go wrong with this dynamic, but something about this surrogate mother/girlfriend combination feels like it will end badly. Either revolting against you as he would a parent, taking aggressions out on you for his parents wrongdoings, you becomming taken advantage of at some point due to your constant giving, etc. I do commend you on what you did, to take care of someone who needed it. But he should seek counseling for both what he's recently went through, and for his past. This way he can begin a relationship with you on solid footing rather than this dependent relationship that has developed. 2
TB Rhine Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Cue a shrill-sounding voice crying, 'NORMANNNN!!!!!'
HokeyReligions Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I didn't get thru your whole post But yes its possible. My husband is a child of abuse and I've always wanted to " make up for" the love he never got from his mom. Its part of my nurturer personality. However I am always careful how I express this because it can cause hurt and confusion. Hes called me mom a few times when I'm wearing my mom hat, as in 'no you cannot play with the skateboard you are a grown man' in a humorous way. I've also joked that I didn't take him to raise. Feeling that is ok as long as you don't cross boundries you shouldn't and you both know and understand the differences and the risk of hurt feelings. Keep communication open. He doesn't want a new mom and he doesn't want to feel that you only love him out of pity for his past. I'm sure you don't want that either because that makes for a very unhealthy relationship. IMHO the hardest part of being a nurturer is stepping back when you want to leap forward. 1
darkmoon Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) men like big dinners served, their eyes light up, if you and he feel closer that is as it should be, if I saw a distressed guy (who I liked) I would give him a big dinner too, they used to say "the way to a man's heart is thru his stomach" now it's all sex, big dinners, definitely, you can not suddenly stop being nice to him in general, this would just look odd, like you do not like him Edited September 3, 2013 by darkmoon
RogerWallace111 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 In this situation it all sounds pretty natural. I'm a guy and I've had the same feeling you're describing many times- not only for girls I was intimate with, but family members and friends. And I guarantee my one serious ex felt the same way about me in my times of need. It's one of the best feelings ever-no need to question it- but I wouldn't keep digging for connections with his family history, or thinking about it in motherly terms so much. Just take it for what it is... I suppose I could have equated how it felt to care for my ex in her dark hours to how it might feel to care for a child, but why? You're caring for someone and helping comfort them when they need it. When that intersects with romantic love it can make you feel whole and spiritually fulfilled in an incredible way. When you care about someone that deeply, and are able to help them by giving your love, you know you're doing something right. And that sort of undeniable affirmation of your love/energy's power can make you feel more content than anything. In fact one of the things I miss about most about being in a relationship was holding my ex's head on my chest when she was losing it and restoring her calm. Putting your power into someone and having it uplift them is a one of the wonders of being human. Like they say "love is the one thing you can give and give without every losing any"- and I personally think it makes you gain more. Those are my thoughts... Just feel how you feel without labeling it. That's the part that could lead to weird complexes.
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