Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex

[TaraMaiden]

Sadly, you can try every trick in the book, and some in the addenda pages too, and nothing will shift 'em....

 

dressing sexily for yourself, to boost your own self-perception and confidence, is all very well, but the underlying motive is still there.

You're still trying to engender a reaction, stimulate their desire and pique their interest.

 

No matter what your apparent motivation, however much you 'do it for you' there's still the question of "what is it doing for him?" lying unasked...

 

And losing a few pounds gained,merely leaves room in your clothes for there to be something else wrong, to fill the space.

 

Been there, too....

 

Speculation about any problems he may have (ED) or where and how he may be getting his rocks off (porn, other guys) is actually redundant, because the bottom line is this:

Harsh as it sounds, whatever it is, he prefers it to having to make efforts with - and for - you.

 

nope.

 

Quit, bail and end this.

[darkmoon]

you are young, heck, use it before you lose it

 

go where you will be appreciated

 

why wait? really

[FitChick]

How old is this man? He could have heart disease. Impotence is a symptom of heart disease. He may have low blood pressure. Thyroid problems. Low testosterone. If his problem is physical, it should be an easy fix.

 

If he's into porn, offer to have sex with a hot,young man while he watches. He may want to join in.

[gaius]

Who's paying for the place you two moved into? Nothing blunts a guys libido faster than humiliation.

[TaraMaiden]

No beef with you. But you are wrong. I'm over 50. I'm no swinger, but I've been around. I have NEVER heard of a straight man having sex with another man just to get off. NEVER.

I have.

In the 4 years I volunteered and trained in Counselling, I came across at least 15 cases of this happening....

 

even if I'm wrong, and I may be, what does it have to do with THIS situation? Everything I've read since you posted that fallacy says they do it because it is easier to find a gay BJ than a straight one.

No, actually, most straight men have sex with other straight men they know.... BiL's, friends of the family, that kind of thing....

 

 

Yet his presumably attractive wife will give him a freebie 3 times a day if he shows interest. So he's straight but would rather search for a man's anus than have his wife? Come on!

It's often got nothing to do with the amount of sex they're getting from the woman.

And for the record, I'm 56.

Been round the block too....

[hotpotato]

No beef with you. But you are wrong. I'm over 50. I'm no swinger, but I've been around. I have NEVER heard of a straight man having sex with another man just to get off. NEVER. And even if I'm wrong, and I may be, what does it have to do with THIS situation? Everything I've read since you posted that fallacy says they do it because it is easier to find a gay BJ than a straight one. Yet his presumably attractive wife will give him a freebie 3 times a day if he shows interest. So he's straight but would rather search for a man's anus than have his wife? Come on!

 

You're the one who initially brought up the gay thing.

 

Ya, you're beefin. Enough of you. NEXT!

[thefooloftheyear]

Thats crazy....I wont doubt any of you, but ill get out the hedge trimmers before I go queer...No effin way...

 

I cant add anything thats already been said..ANd I usually agree that once the sex ship has sailed, then its gone for good. I WILL relate a story, because it happened to a close friend. He had drifted apart from her sexually because she put on a lot of weight. He hadnt touched her in years..She dropped 70 lbs and they are at it just like old times..It does happen..

 

TFY

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Tonight I told him that if he didn't make the effort to have sex that we were finished. He decided to go to sleep. I think he believes that I'm bluffing, and I probably have painted myself into a corner because I don't really want to end things, but I can't take the rejection much longer. I just want him to grab me and tell me he desires me and actually follow through with action.

 

 

 

For the love of God, end things with him!!! You don't want to be the woman here ten years from now still challenged by the same indifference from the same individual.

 

There simply isn't a legitimate reason as to why he wouldn't be showing you plenty of physical affection if you were seeing the whole picture about him. End it because he's not telling/showing you everything, not because he won't put-out.

 

When that guy is long in your rear-view mirror, you'll still be the one with the p*ssy, and still the one with the power.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

No beef with you. But you are wrong. I'm over 50. I'm no swinger, but I've been around. I have NEVER heard of a straight man having sex with another man just to get off. NEVER. And even if I'm wrong, and I may be...

 

 

In general terms, it is correct that truly straight men want nothing to do with gay male sex.

 

However, I would suggest that which is typical of long-term confinement to prison somewhere already goes against your statement quoted here.

 

Do you really think that people choose the crimes they're willing to risk committing (/get caught committing) based on whether they're gay enough to accept what happens on the inside) ??

 

 

Or do you believe, instead, that a fully random subset of society commits the crimes we all see and read about, and that those straight people incarcerated "never have sex with another man just to get off ??".

 

 

 

Maybe you believe that straight male prisoners suddenly want long term commitment from cellmate Bubba??? (assuring that it isn't just to get off )

 

 

 

Perhaps you believe that prison turns them gay ???

 

 

(which further damages the old gay gene theory )

 

 

 

 

Or you wish us to believe that simply/only you have never heard of it... ??

 

 

"Never" ?? Really ???

 

 

 

.

[Lokie]

Sorry you're going through this, lawgal. I've been there before myself and it is a soul crushing experience for sure. I used to put check marks in my calendar when we did it, so I would have proof when he said it hadn't been that long. Crazy.

 

I'm leaning with the others. Bottom line is your needs are not getting met. Leaving a relationship is so painful, I know, but you deserve someone who will rock your (sexual) world!

[It-is-what-it-is.]

First, thank you for reading this post. I've never solicited help from an online forum before, so thank you in advance. I've been living with my boyfriend for just over three years. We've known each other since childhood, and reconnected four years ago.

 

The first year was passionate and sexual intimacy was frequent.

 

As soon as we moved in together, the frequency changed dramatically. We went from several times per week, to once a week, and then 2-3 weeks without sex.

 

At times, when I would try to initiate, my boyfriend would push my hands away, and generally reject me.

 

When I ask why he does this, he claims it has nothing to do with how attracted

he is to me, but of course, I've taken it personally. He tells me it has nothing to do with me being physically attractive. I'm considered very attractive, but I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I'm the exact physical opposite of the type of female he has traditionally been with, so although I'm an attractive female, I'm don't believe I'm attractive to HIM.

 

He denies this, and comes up with all kinds of reasons why he doesn't initiate sex or want sex more than once every several weeks. Outside of the sexual intimacy, he does everything for me. He treats me very well, but I feel he loves me like a sister, and not a lover.

 

We are currently on vacation, and once again, we are down to the last night of our vacation with no sex. Not even a passionate kiss. He's asleep by 11pm every night. Every vacation it's the same thing. I'm so frustrated. I love this person and am deeply attracted to him, but I'm at my wits end.

 

Tonight I told him that if he didn't make the effort to have sex that we were finished. He decided to go to sleep. I think he believes that I'm bluffing, and I probably have painted myself into a corner because I don't really want to end things, but I can't take the rejection much longer. I just want him to grab me and tell me he desires me and actually follow through with action.

 

To top it off, i saw that he looked at porn on his phone recently. Now I really feel like I'm not his type. Please tell me what you think is going on. We're in communication all the time & he's always home on time, so I really don't think it has to do with someone else, but I guess anything is possible.

 

Thank you

 

I think you do need to follow through, because there is obviously a problem that he is unwilling to address. This does not bode well for the future.

 

 

Potential causes.

1. Affair, or random sex with strangers.

2. Porn use, kills his sex drive

3. Medical issue -- he is too embarrassed to address

4. Gay (seems unlikely based on above)

5. Bored

6. Exhausted, lazy, could be medical condition.

7. Not attracted to you

8. Wants to break up but is passive aggressive and wants you to do it.

 

Maybe there are others, but that's what I come up with. Not sure that any of these are preferable.

 

Thing is...in any loving relationships there are dips, but if you are feeling distressed and talking about it but he is not addressing it then that is the greatest worry. To be dealing with this after only 3 years isn't great.

 

Good luck

 

IIWII

[It's Just Me]

My partner's rejection of me after being together for 10 years is the reason I ended my marriage. No amount of pleading, cajoling, suggesting counseling, anger, or sexy lingerie was ever able to change his mind. When I told him, point-blank, that strangers found me sexier than he did, he didn't flinch. He just shrugged. My final statement was that I'd rather end the marriage and find sex somewhere else as a single gal, rather than be a cheating wife. We divorced.

 

He was a good man, and likely still is - just not the guy for me.

[almond]

Almond, stop right there. You are giving her some VERY bad advice.

 

First of all, if they if they go to counseling they need to see a CERTIFIED SEX ADDICTION THERAPIST. The lay therapist will blame her and accuse her of being a controlling beeyatch. Sex addicts are very charming and can manipulate the average therapist. I went to a lay therapist. He lied with me in the room! Yet the therapist soaked up everything he said and blamed me in the end.

 

He may or may not be emotionally withdrawn. He is there for her as a friend. He just doesnt have the sexual passion or desire for her.

 

"Probably this, sleeping with men that, sex addict yada yada..." you can't possibly know any of this, and stating it as fact is far from accurate or wise.

 

He probably cant make an effort to have sex because he has ED.

 

You are making wild assumptions based on a diagnosis that you are far from qualified to make, especially based on such limited information.

[hotpotato]

You are making wild assumptions based on a diagnosis that you are far from qualified to make, especially based on such limited information.

 

They were such a wild assumptions it was right on the money! Pretty much everything I said rang a bell with the op.

Of course, I cant make a diagnosis. Thats why I recommended a certified sex therapist. If op gets a generic therapist, I promise there will be nothing but problems. I corrected you for her sake.

 

Also, there's a lot of wisdom in having btdt...

 

But at the end of the day, I wish the op the best, and I hope she makes the best decision for her situation.

 

If anyone thinks I said for a fact the ops husband was banging men should go back and READ. I simply said sometimes men like her husband do go to men.

Edited September 4, 2013 by hotpotato

[Phoe]

I've had this happen to me before, more than once.

 

Dressing up, wearing lingerie, being sensual, trying to seduce the guy.

 

 

Always some reason. from "my back hurts" to "I think there's something wrong with my prostate" and everything in between.

 

 

One instance turned out that the guy just was not attracted to me, another instance was cheating.

 

 

It's devastating. The only redeeming factor is knowing that I did everything I could. I did not fail, there was nothing more I could do.

[almond]

They were such a wild assumptions it was right on the money! Pretty much everything I said rang a bell with the op.

Of course, I cant make a diagnosis. Thats why I recommended a certified sex therapist. If op gets a generic therapist, I promise there will be nothing but problems. I corrected you for her sake.

 

Also, there's a lot of wisdom in having btdt...

 

But at the end of the day, I wish the op the best, and I hope she makes the best decision for her situation.

 

If anyone thinks I said for a fact the ops husband was banging men should go back and READ. I simply said sometimes men like her husband do go to men.

 

We must be reading different threads then. There is no possible way that you can state as you are that this man is a sex addict with any sort of accuracy.

 

The OP has described avoidance behaviour that was similar to what you experienced. This does not mean that the root cause of this behaviour is the same in every circumstance. In fact, I assure you that this is impossible.

 

It's all good to give theories, but when you state them as fact based on such little information, especially when it comes to diagnosing someone, it gets a bit silly.

[man_in_the_box]

If anyone thinks I said for a fact the ops husband was banging men should go back and READ. I simply said sometimes men like her husband do go to men.

 

Agreed with almond, please stop embarrassing yourself with that nonsense.

[Mint Sauce]

can you find out which type of porn he's watching?

[TaraMaiden]

And people lie. The men telling Tara that they were "stright" but just liked the occasional dick could very well have been full blown gay but didn't want to admit it to a stranger. They may not have amitted it to themselves yet that they are gay (I have a good friend that for years couldn't admit to hiimself that he was gay. And Tarad herself probably inflated that 15 number to make her point.

 

No, they were straight, and no, I didn't inflate the figure.

In fact, bear in mind that with several counsellors in session, I wasn't present at all sessions, so the number could have been greater. But to that, I cannot attest.

I was there, present and spoke to these guys, on their own and with their (female) partners, so I'm giving you the facts as they occurred with me.

I don't have a personal agenda here, and I don't have a 'case'.

I was merely responding to your post, but you're free, of course, to determine your own version of the truth and what you choose to believe.

I haven't lied.

I absolutely have no reason to do so, and frankly what you choose to accept or not accept, is of no consequence to me.

 

[William]

Folks, let's focus on the topic without the hyperbole and cross-talk and editorial comments regarding other members. Some editing has been performed. This is about a boyfriend who appears to have lost interest in sex. Thanks.

[Lawgal100]

Thanks again for all of the comments and to the moderator for refocusing the topic. I honestly don't believe it's desire for other men that is at issue.

 

We're back from vacation. My boyfriend has been remorseful, bought me flowers, a card, and we were intimate, which was terrific, but this is the pattern we continually seem to be in. EVERY vacation has been the same. Plenty of energy during the day to hang with friends, or if we're on vacation by ourselves, lots of energy to sightsee, etc. But as soon as we get back to the room, he's out by 10pm and refuses to make any attempt at sex.

 

 

Someone said it was avoidance tactics, and this is really accurate. When we're at home, again, much of the time, it's cuddling, with no attempt at sex, and even worse for my self esteem, little ability to either get or maintain an erection.

 

 

What I don't understand is his attempt to make up for this behavior after the fact. The card, flowers & great sex is terrific, but in another week or so we"ll be right back to the same situation.

 

 

I've said to him that we need to part ways, or stay under the same roof, and I'll start dating others (which is just my desperate attempt to get a reaction of some kind)...and he always claims that he loves me, desires me, does not want me to leave/date, yet his ACTIONS ultimately show me something different.

 

 

I don't understand why he just doesn't let me go, if he's not interested in sex, or why he makes these attempts after the fact. He is wonderful to me in other ways, but I'm extremely attracted to this man, so it's quite frustrating living with someone that you feel you can't touch for fear of rejection.

 

 

What's equally frustrating is that he claims to not understand WHY sex is so important. I feel he tries to gaslight me by making me seem like im crazy for wanting sex in the relationship - like my sexual appetite is all I focus on, which is not true. I'm constantly thanking him for everything else he does outside of sex, but he seems to think that I should be satisfied with everything else in the relationship, and that everything he does for me should make up for the lack of sex. I don't think wanting sex 1-2 times per week is asking for much. We go 3-4 weeks, unless I get upset. We'd probably go longer if I didn't get angry.

 

 

And as I mentioned, the sex (unless he's trying to make up, as he did upon our return from vacation) is purely mechanical. I had finally given up over the last few months, and started to finally buy into the idea that sex really wasn't important to him, until I saw that he looked at porn on his phone. That blew my mind. When I asked why he looked at it, if sex wasn't important, he said he was "curious". That's about the extent of the answer I could get from him.

 

 

In any event - I'm not sure what other advice I'm looking for at this point. I know those posters who have said I need to leave/take action are right. He's been tested for low-T, which is not an issue. He's not overweight, nor does he have health issues that would prevent an erection.

 

 

Clearly, he's just not that into me sexually. What I don't understand, again, is why he just doesn't leave the relationship & find someone that he would want to have sex with more frequently. Especially if he needs to look at porn. I mean, obviously, he's into sex.

 

 

And to address one of the other posters comments, I'm not overweight myself, I'm attractive, etc. just not apparently attractive to him, which is what counts.

 

 

Sorry for the long post. Thanks again.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

It's possibly you are not compatible sexually. It happens.

 

He may love you, but just not care about sex, it happens.

 

You have to decide if its enough for you FOREVER. Or propose an open relationship. But if there is no physical issue then it's just the way it is.

 

I remain concerned that when you expressed an issue that he responded by going to bed, but then next day(s) later try to make up for it?

 

Was the initial reaction a childish one? Or did he think you weren't serious?

 

It is just possible that what you have with him will be a good friend...and that you need to go find someone with a closer sexual match to you.

 

IIWII

[ddit83]

Hi LawGal100, I have just got done reading through your thread and the many posts that have been put up.

 

I am not trying to defend your BF in anyway and I do understand the way you are upset etc. In all honesty your BF does seem very much like myself however I have addressed the situation and I believe he needs to as well. If it helps, read the recent thread I submitted below, it will probably help you to understand things from a different perspective if he was dealing with things the same way as me? Hope this helps..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/420554-newbie-needing-some-relationship-s

[salparadise]

He may be doing hookers, too, on his lunch break (guys do this often).

 

Really? I wasn't aware. No wonder so many guys look forward to lunch.

 

I sprinkle a bit of salt on my lunch.