Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex

[Lawgal100]

First, thank you for reading this post. I've never solicited help from an online forum before, so thank you in advance. I've been living with my boyfriend for just over three years. We've known each other since childhood, and reconnected four years ago.

 

The first year was passionate and sexual intimacy was frequent. As soon as we moved in together, the frequency changed dramatically. We went from several times per week, to once a week, and then 2-3 weeks without sex.

 

At times, when I would try to initiate, my boyfriend would push my hands away, and generally reject me. When I ask why he does this, he claims it has nothing to do with how attracted he is to me, but of course, I've taken it personally. He tells me it has nothing to do with me being physically attractive. I'm considered very attractive, but I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I'm the exact physical opposite of the type of female he has traditionally been with, so although I'm an attractive female, I'm don't believe I'm attractive to HIM.

 

He denies this, and comes up with all kinds of reasons why he doesn't initiate sex or want sex more than once every several weeks. Outside of the sexual intimacy, he does everything for me. He treats me very well, but I feel he loves me like a sister, and not a lover.

 

We are currently on vacation, and once again, we are down to the last night of our vacation with no sex. Not even a passionate kiss. He's asleep by 11pm every night. Every vacation it's the same thing. I'm so frustrated. I love this person and am deeply attracted to him, but I'm at my wits end.

 

Tonight I told him that if he didn't make the effort to have sex that we were finished. He decided to go to sleep. I think he believes that I'm bluffing, and I probably have painted myself into a corner because I don't really want to end things, but I can't take the rejection much longer. I just want him to grab me and tell me he desires me and actually follow through with action.

 

To top it off, i saw that he looked at porn on his phone recently. Now I really feel like I'm not his type. Please tell me what you think is going on. We're in communication all the time & he's always home on time, so I really don't think it has to do with someone else, but I guess anything is possible.

 

Thank you

Edited September 3, 2013 by Lawgal100

[Philosoraptor]

It's one thing if he's not getting off at all, but if he's getting off to porn there is more of an issue here than simply low libido.

 

Either way, if you're not satisfied with things it either needs to be corrected or you need to part ways. No one should stay with someone who makes them feel so rejected.

[almond]

Yeah, this is about a lot more than sex - generally, a loss of intimacy is a result of something deeper. He seems to be emotionally withdrawn from you, and he needs to be willing to work on this.

 

It is unhealthy for you to persist like this - it will be very damaging for your self-esteem.

 

Ask him to seem individual counseling, or perhaps even couples therapy. It needs to be sorted, or it needs to end.

 

You tell him that he needs to make an effort to have sex, but even if he does, you will feel even worse. You won't feel that emotional connection that you're missing, and after a while, you'll start feeling used. You need to get to the root of this - bandaid solutions will only prolong and worsen suffering.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this, it must be very rough. Please take action. He knows his actions are hurting you, and he knows you are unsatisfied. If he is not willing to try and work through this with you, then leave. You will feel more lonely in a relationship like this then you ever will on your own.

 

All the best <3

Edited September 3, 2013 by almond

[TaraMaiden]

He gave you his answer by going to sleep.

 

You have no option now, but to put your money where your mouth is, be good to your word, and walk away.

 

I hate to be the harbinger of further bad news, but - you'll miss him more than he misses you.

[almond]

You have no option now, but to put your money where your mouth is, be good to your word, and walk away.

 

There are other options. He may not feel comfortable having sex, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's over. It does however mean that they have some serious work to do in order to stand a (perhaps slim) chance of succeeding. It is a long term relationship, and they have both invested a lot. IMO, it's worth a shot.

 

I agree that this relationship is well and truly on the rocks, but he may be suffering with something internally that needs to be addressed. He may be depressed etc., he may need treatment. Things could improve if he is willing to put in. If not, then yes, walk.

 

From the sounds of it, they haven't been communicating well at all, and if it is approached differently or they seek help, it may improve their situation.

[serial muse]

You're his "beard". Google it.

 

No you aren't. Predictable answer 1/20.

 

OP, you said he comes up with all sorts of reasons. What are they?

 

Some people really do struggle with sexual attraction to the familiar. Doesn't mean that there's no way to work on that, but the fact that he's not willing to address it with you is a bad sign. Has he offered any solutions? What does he say about this?

[hotpotato]

Sounds like a porn/sex addict, to a tee. You are no longer thrilling and novel to him like in the beginning. Thats why he doesnt want sex with you. You could be the most beautiful woman in the world, and he would still act like this. Sorry.

 

Does he seem broke more than usual?

Im talking from experience, as I have btdt.

 

I tried for years to deal with a man like this. Most of the time they do not care to change. In the end he may leave you after what hes put you through. You can leave and cut your losses now, if you want.

 

He called your bluff. Wutcha gonna do? Never make an ultimatum if you are not going to follow through. Now it looks like you are weak and will tolerate his behavior even though you said you wouldnt.

 

He probably cannot maintain an erection with you at this point. He knows this, and this is one reason he wont make more attempts at sex. Try not to take this personally.

 

I recommend you talk to your local Cosa group. If there isnt one, join an online cosa community or attend groups for codependents of alcoholics.

Edited September 3, 2013 by hotpotato

[TaraMaiden]

There are other options. He may not feel comfortable having sex, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's over. It does however mean that they have some serious work to do in order to stand a (perhaps slim) chance of succeeding. It is a long term relationship, and they have both invested a lot. IMO, it's worth a shot.

No, it's not. On that basis alone, long-term relationships are also 'worth a shot', but the rationale sadly doesn't stand up to scrutiny. Time spent together is absolutely nmo indication at all, of whether it's 'worth a shot' or not. And I can tell you from previous experience, when the sex goes, the thing's done with.

 

It never comes back, no matter how long it's been.

 

I agree that this relationship is well and truly on the rocks, but he may be suffering with something internally that needs to be addressed. He may be depressed etc., he may need treatment. Things could improve if he is willing to put in. If not, then yes, walk.

That's not her responsibility to engineer or even approach.

That's on him.

And clearly, he seems aware that there is an obvious serious issue she is perceiving; and the issue isn't on her side.

So he must KNOW the problem lies with him.

His response to her approach was to ignore it.

That's his answer.

 

He has to fix him, and not for her, but for himself.

He's already demonstrated his willingness to meet her half-way. Zero.

 

If he has a problem, it's not on her to be the curative catalyst.

The only way it might motivate him into taking action - is if she actually follows through and carries out her ultimatum.

 

Which I would strongly advise her to do.

 

From the sounds of it, they haven't been communicating well at all, and if it is approached differently or they seek help, it may improve their situation.

I think her communication with him was extremely effective.

I don't think it could have been more effective.

The only possible way she could improve on it - is to put her money where her mouth is and follow through.

She wants actions, not words.

He has offered neither.

She now has to suit her actions to her words.

[hotpotato]

Yeah, this is about a lot more than sex - generally, a loss of intimacy is a result of something deeper. He seems to be emotionally withdrawn from you, and he needs to be willing to work on this.

 

Ask him to seem individual counseling, or perhaps even couples therapy. It needs to be sorted, or it needs to end.

 

You tell him that he needs to make an effort to have sex, but even if he does, you will feel even worse. You won't feel that emotional connection that you're missing, and after a while, you'll start feeling used. You need to get to the root of this - bandaid solutions will only prolong and worsen suffering.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this, it must be very rough. Please take action. He knows his actions are hurting you, and he knows you are unsatisfied. If he is not willing to try and work through this with you, then leave. You will feel more lonely in a relationship like this then you ever will on your own.

 

All the best <3

 

Almond, stop right there. You are giving her some VERY bad advice.

 

First of all, if they if they go to counseling they need to see a CERTIFIED SEX ADDICTION THERAPIST. The lay therapist will blame her and accuse her of being a controlling beeyatch. Sex addicts are very charming and can manipulate the average therapist. I went to a lay therapist. He lied with me in the room! Yet the therapist soaked up everything he said and blamed me in the end.

 

He may or may not be emotionally withdrawn. He is there for her as a friend. He just doesnt have the sexual passion or desire for her.

 

He probably cant make an effort to have sex because he has ED.

[Keenly]

Look, the problem is not him not being attracted to you. I went through this same exact thing when I moved in with my ex.

 

Because you spend every waking day, minute, second, hour together, he gets burnt out on it.

 

Because you are ALWAYS there, he never gets a chance to miss you. You are there when he wakes up, when he goes to bed, when he comes home.

 

 

How much alone time does he get to just do his own thing without you? I bet that if he had a little space, he would want it a little more.

[hotpotato]

Sorry dp

Mods please delete

Edited September 3, 2013 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

There are other options. He may not feel comfortable having sex, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's over. It does however mean that they have some serious work to do in order to stand a (perhaps slim) chance of succeeding. It is a long term relationship, and they have both invested a lot. IMO, it's worth a shot.

 

I agree that this relationship is well and truly on the rocks, but he may be suffering with something internally that needs to be addressed. He may be depressed etc., he may need treatment. Things could improve if he is willing to put in. If not, then yes, walk.

 

From the sounds of it, they haven't been communicating well at all, and if it is approached differently or they seek help, it may improve their situation.

Ive yet to meet a man who was uncomfortable with having sex...

 

They are communicating fine, he just doesnt care.

 

There is a chance he can get better for awhile. However, everytime there is a major event in his life he will have a flare up.

 

Things like

*pregnancy/baby

*moving

*death in the family

 

Is this what you want, OP?

 

The porn is his escape. He may be doing hookers, too, on his lunch break (guys do this often). Not saying he is, but chances are what you find out about him may very well be the tip of the iceberg.

[Lawgal100]

Thank you all for your responses. Just for clarity, regarding the beard comment, I'm certain that's not the issue. In fact, I would feel much better about myself if indeed I thought it was the male persuasion my boyfriend was attracted to; at this point I'm just feeling like other female body types are what he's looking for.

 

@Serial Muse: his reasons are that he's too tired, or he "doesn't know" what is wrong with him, because he loves me, and has "no excuse" for why this is happening. He's very affectionate, but when we are close to each other, much of the time he doesn't even get an erection, so the comments about ED are spot on. SOMETIMES, on infrequent occasions, he's erect for hours, and I'm now suspecting that its possibly because he's looked at porn that day, and he has those images in his mind, which allows him to be erect.

 

 

In terms of communication, believe me, he knows exactly how I feel. The only thing we ever argue about is sex. We used to argue much more frequently about it, but lately I've just stopped mentioning it. I've pleaded, I've been angry, I've tried talking. He shuts down every time.

 

 

Because of his work schedule, although we live together, he works every other weekend, our days off aren't always the same, so he has alone time, but I get the point about too much familiarity. I think I've become like an old shoe to him.

 

 

I know I need to follow through with my statement regarding the relationship. I can't believe it's come to this. I'm just not what he's looking for, and I need to stop the madness while I have an ounce of self esteem and dignity left. Being rejected sexually makes a real impact on your self image.

 

 

Thank you again......

Edited September 3, 2013 by Lawgal100

[pteromom]

Because of his work schedule, we although we live together, he works every other weekend, our days off aren't always the same, so he has alone time, but I get the point about too much familiarity. I think I've become like an old shoe to him.

 

 

Maybe this is a place to start. Take off the old shoe, and become a f***-me-stiletto. Doll yourself up. Get a new haircut. Wear something sexy. Go out with friends. Smile a mysterious sultry smile. Indulge in your sensuality. Laugh and have fun.

 

He's gonna know you are charging yourself up for something, and if he cares, he's gonna reinvest and make sure that it is him. If you still can't capture his interest, you'll at least be ready to go out and have some fun when you leave.

[TaraMaiden]

 

In terms of communication, believe me, he knows exactly how I feel. The only thing we ever argue about is sex. We used to argue much more frequently about it, but lately I've just stopped mentioning it. I've pleaded, I've been angry, I've tried talking. He shuts down every time.

 

Remember:

"It's the person who 'cares' the least who controls the most."

 

As I said, he really doesn't care in the slightest, or certainly anywhere near to anything like the same degree you do.

This is important to you.

To him it's a repeated irritation he has now learnt to control by simply 'shutting down'.

 

He's stonewalling you. And while you 'sit there and take it', he will always have the upper hand.

 

 

I know I need to follow through with my statement regarding the relationship. I can't believe it's come to this. I'm just not what he's looking for, and I need to stop the madness while I have an ounce of self esteem and dignity left. Being rejected sexually makes a real impact on your self image.

 

You're absolutely right, it really does. And sadly, there are far too many similar stories on this forum, from both genders....

 

Go No Contact.

Read the link in my signature, and end this now.

You deserve better.

This is not the way you deserve to either be treated, or be expected to continue.

 

Incidentally, my advice to you if you were a male, would be to issue the three-pronged ultimatum to your (female) partner:

 

1: We go your separate ways;

2: we start having regular sex again;

or 3: I'll find someone outside the relationship to give me sex, as you don't appear to be forthcoming.

 

basically, in general (although this is by no means a definitive truth, and is stereotypical) men can occasionally separate 'sex' from 'love'.

That is to say, sexual release doesn't have to be on an emotional level, for many men; it can be a purely physical thing.

Women on the other hand, (and again, this is a sweeping generalisation) need to feel wanted, loved and desired by their sexual partner and find it more difficult to detach the emotional factor.

 

This is why I didn't proffer that advice.

 

Although it must be said, many husbands/BF's given the above advice have also stated it's not something they could do.

 

Not because they couldn't detach, and simply 'perform for sexual gratification', but because of the guilt attached.

 

Understandable.

 

But I digress.

 

I think you have to shift your focus and consider your exist strategy, now.

[hotpotato]

My ex would always say he was too tired. If it wasnt that it something else. He even feigned an illness to get out of sex with me , which isnt uncommon for that kind of man.

 

Ive btdt. I tried dressing sexy. I tried everything. It didnt work. I think the lay therapist said that, too. It doesnt and wont work if hes an addict. The only way you can get sex out of these people is threatening to cheat or masturbate. Even then he will be mechanical because really he doesnt want to have sex with you. You can try, but be prepared that he still may not want you in the end.

 

Sometimes these men dabble with sex with other men. He may not be gay, but its so much easier to get free sex out of a man. Google straight men who have sex with men. Im notvsaying your hubby does this, but some do.

 

You are describing my ex to a tee, I promise.

 

I hope he doesnt have an illness. Either way I am very sorry he is doing this to you.

[darkmoon]

do you wear horrible clothes around the house? or are you dressy?

[Lawgal100]

Thanks again everyone. @Dark Moon: I've tried dressing sexy, to no avail. My appearance, in terms of what "society" seems to deem attractive, would be considered beautiful, but I truly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so of course, it really doesn't matter what the general opinion of my appearance is, I'm not attractive to MY man, and it's this guy that I want, unfortunately.

 

The other strange thing about the situation is that my bf will tell me I'm beautiful, try to touch my breasts when we're in the car, etc., but when we're alone, at home, and he could actually follow through, I get nothing. I'd be willing to do in the car, but I guarantee he'd find an excuse. I'm so confused by that. He's always doing nice things for me, so it's not at all a matter of being mistreated in any way other than the sex.

 

 

When we do have sex now, it's robotic. He never wants to face me. Doesn't want to do it in the missionary style either, because he says he's too tired to hold himself up. He's not overweight, so that's not the issue.

 

 

I know what needs to be done now. I'm just looking at all of the other positives outside of sex and making excuses for myself so that I don't have to take action.

 

 

He's a great friend. He's affectionate. Wants to cuddle all the time. But can't get an erection most of the time, and has zero desire for me. I really don't want to live in a friendship type arrangement. I really don't want to leave the relationship and he claims he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone else, and I actually believe that. We've known each other since we were kids, and have been a couple for four years

 

 

I've never been more attracted to anyone. Ever. I hate to walk from that. Is there any hope at all? Any action I can take other than walking?

Edited September 3, 2013 by Lawgal100

[hotpotato]

Thanks again everyone. @Dark Moon: I've tried dressing sexy, to no avail. My appearance, in terms of what "society" seems to deem attractive, would be considered beautiful, but I truly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so of course, it really doesn't matter what the general opinion of my appearance is, I'm not attractive to MY man, and it's this guy that I want, unfortunately.

 

The other strange thing about the situation is that my bf will tell me I'm beautiful, try to touch my breasts when we're in the car, etc., but when we're alone, at home, and he could actually follow through, I get nothing. I'd be willing to do in the car, but I guarantee he'd find an excuse. I'm so confused by that. He's always doing nice things for me, so it's not at all a matter of being mistreated in any way other than the sex.

 

 

When we do have sex now, it's robotic. He never wants to face me. Doesn't want to do it in the missionary style either, because he says he's too tired to hold himself up. He's not overweight, so that's not the issue.

 

 

I know what needs to be done now. I'm just looking at all of the other positives outside of sex and making excuses for myself so that I don't have to take action.

 

 

He's a great friend. He's affectionate. Wants to cuddle all the time. But can't get an erection most of the time, and has zero desire for me. I really don't want to live in a friendship type arrangement. I really don't want to leave the relationship and he claims he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone else, and I actually believe that. We've known each other since we were kids, and have been a couple for four years

 

 

I've never been more attracted to anyone. Ever. I hate to walk from that. Is there any hope at all? Any action I can take other than walking?

 

Everything I had suspected...

 

Once again im sorry he is doing this to you. You can try a certified sex therapist, but some hubbies are resistant to change and therapy. You would also need cosa. I went to a few cosa meetings and found them helpful. I only stopped because the meetings were far away.

 

Sadly, sometimes they dont care until you are gone. It could be months or years. They need to hit rock bottom, I hope this is not your hubby. Maybe a trial separation would help if he is refusing to change. The thing is when he starts to care, you may not care anymore because he has hurt you so much.

 

I can relate with friendship. My addict ex is now my best friend. If not for his problems we would be happily together. Everyone who saw us together thought we were happy and deep in love. I would almost say he is the one, but we just cant be together.

 

Im also sorry people are telling you to dress sexy. They dont know what its like to be in this situation. They dont get that he just doesnt want you in a sexual way. Its has nothing to do with you, I promise.

 

(((((HUGS))))))

 

Eta:

Some of these guys injure themselves from so much sex and masturbation. He may very well have a hard to in some positions because he hurt himself. That being said, he will always have *some* reason for getting out of sex.

Edited September 3, 2013 by hotpotato

[pteromom]

Im also sorry people are telling you to dress sexy. They dont know what its like to be in this situation. They dont get that he just doesnt want you in a sexual way. Its has nothing to do with you, I promise.

 

(((((HUGS))))))

 

Just to clarify, I am not telling her to dress sexy for HIM. I'm telling her to do it for HERSELF. To remind herself that she is a sexual person and a beautiful woman. That his lack of interest has nothing to do with her worth as a woman and partner.

 

If she feels sexy and it causes him to snap into desiring sex, great. But that isn't the reason for it. The reason is just to build her own confidence and validate that she is desirable.

[TheGuard13]

I think he either shows he cares enough to put effort into the relationship, or you end it. He may well want that and just not have the stones to do so himself.

 

At this point, if he, at the very least, won't agree to couples counseling and work at the relationship and improving it, I think you should be prepared to end this relationship.

[hotpotato]

Too bad you have an avatar that announces your gender. I would have bet my childrens lives against your $100 that you were a chick.

 

Straight men DO NOT have sex with other men just because they need to get off. Gay men who were caught sucking a penis CLAIM to be straight and just veered away this one time.

 

And my "he's gay" comment was ridiculed...

 

WickedGayBlog.com: When Straight Men Have Sex With Other Men

 

Ill be happy to send more links when I get off my mobile. But seriously, use google next time

 

Your statement is still incorrect. These men are straight. They just want easy sex, and easy to gey sex out of a man.

[hotpotato]

Just to clarify, I am not telling her to dress sexy for HIM. I'm telling her to do it for HERSELF. To remind herself that she is a sexual person and a beautiful woman. That his lack of interest has nothing to do with her worth as a woman and partner.

 

If she feels sexy and it causes him to snap into desiring sex, great. But that isn't the reason for it. The reason is just to build her own confidence and validate that she is desirable.

 

Do you really think she would feel sexy and beautiful if he rejects her after getting dolled up? I sure didnt. She will only feel desirable right now if she goes to someone else who appreciates her more. And maybe join a support group. Dressing sexy by itself=bandaid

[hotpotato]

Nervis,

Have you not noticed everything ive said is spot on?

I was in this situation for years and knew women who were in this situation for years. I KNOW the deal.

 

Seriously, if you have beef with me from another thread, dont bring it here.

 

:rolleyes:

[yessy21]

Im going to be honest.

 

the last time I was in a relationship when the other person would hardly touch me... I found out after a year that it was because I had gained a couple and I wasn't desirable to them... And they were boning someone they found desirable.

 

I wasted my time.

 

don't waste yours.