dieing for advise... women and men... anyone who can help!!!

[crazyinpa]

hi i am new to this whole message board about problems in my life thing but i hope that someone out there can help me out...

 

OK so lets start with some background to start it off... i have this GF that i have been with for 3 years now, we met our freshman year at college and have been together basically the whole time, we have made it through rough times and i really enjoy the good times that we have together... i mean i think that i am in love with her(not asking for input on this part because that is different for everyone) and she says that she is in love with me... we have tons of things in common and we hang out a lot... we talk all of our problems out and communication is pretty good... except when it comes down to certain topics such as sex and things of the sort... we have never had sex and we are both virgins...

 

i know that this is going to sound like i am a loser or whatnot but it seems like the usual roles are somewhat reversed from what most people here... so here i go... for the most part when we are together and getting romantic, it is I who starts everything, and that isn't a problem, but the problem lies in the fact that i am the only one that is giving the pleasure... i would say that i have given 100 fold then she has given to me...

 

i have tried withholding from her till she catches on but it seems like she doesn't have a clue and most of the time when i don't please her she thinks it is because i am upset or that she did something wrong, and i don't know what i should do, but i feel that this should be a mutual thing kind of like a give and take...

 

the main things that i keep coming up when i think about this is if i love her should this even matter... should physical pleasure be something that is going to strain this relationship... should i love her even if we never sex or otherwise please each other?

 

is there any help that you can give... i don't know what i should say or do to make her understand what i feel... or should this not even be something that should bother me, am i just being a horny 20 year old???

[bluechocolate]

I have tried withholding from her till she catches on but it seems like she doesn't have a clue and most of the time when i don't please her she thinks it is because i am upset or that she did something wrong, and i don't know what i should do

 

Which is precisely why I said this in your other post about this very thing:

Dropping hints or chaning your own behaviour are rarely successful tools of communication & it is very likely that she'll mistake your change in behaviour for something else entirely.

should physical pleasure be something that is going to strain this relationship..

 

Physical intimacy is a very big problem for a lot of relationships & is cited as a major reason for many divorces. Don't think that "love" will find a way (especially when you're not even sure if you do love her after 3 years together).

 

You've been together 3 years - I think you should be able to talk openly & honestly about any issue that bothers you, including sexuality. Yes, it can be a difficult issue to talk about but not talking about it isn't getting you anywhere.

 

i don't know what i should say or do to make her understand what i feel...

 

You start with the truth - with what you've written here (except I wouldn't tell her that you "think" you're in love with her - just leave that bit out!). And be prepared to tell her exactly what it is that you're looking for. It's not good enough to say, "I want you to do more stuff for me", you have to be able to tell her exactly what that "stuff" is & maybe you'll even have to show her. Some people can be really clue-less about "stuff".

[crazyinpa]

i didn't mean that i think that i love her... i was just saying that love is different to everyone if we talked about whether or not i loved her than you may have a different opinion... thats all...

 

and i know that you posted a similar response in my other thread but i tried moving that one to here to get a better response but i couldn't figure out how so i just created a new and expanded version hoping that i could get more input in this topic of general relationship discussion area than in the other... sorry about the confusion...

 

i guess my big thing with your response is that i don't understand how someone can be completely clue less... and i guess that is my concern in general... because i think that after being in college for 4 years that you hear things and should also know things that go on... i mean we have conversations in the passing about other people and things that they do, but yet you think that she still may be "clue less" in the matter when it comes to herself?

 

and i agree with the quote that you said in both posts about changing my behavior to try and make her see and how that doesn't work... i guess i am just hopeful that if i showed her how i felt maybe she would understand... but like you said she just thinks it is something else and that i am upset...

 

and i know that you said that intimacy is a big problem in a lot of relationships and is a major reason for divorces but i do love spending time with her and being together it is just the sometimes when we get intimate that bothers me... and i feel that if i put those times above all of the good times that i am being immature and stupid... there was one time that we broke up and it was kind of a nasty break up, but because i missed her and because i wanted to be with her we eventually got back together, i think that if something like this causes us to break up will i regret all of the good times i could have had, just because i am being a horny college student...

 

i care for her more than i have cared for anyone in my live... she has always been there for me, she has helped me through classes, she has helped me through problems with friends.. and i have been there for all of her problems and stresses too... and i just really want to make this work... but it just feels like talking about sex and things concerning it are just beyond the boundaries...

 

are there anyways to make this topic more kosher... or easier to talk about?

[tanbark813]

There's nothing with wanting to have sex with your gf. That doesn't make you immature or stupid, it makes you human. It sounds like you're handling this better than a lot of guys would. Physical intimacy is just as important as emotional intimacy. Obviously it's something that is bothering you about the relationship, or you wouldn't be posting here. If you don't bring it up with her, it's just going to keep eating away at you until it becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be.

 

Besides, if she dumps you for wanting sex, then you're free to go find a girl who will not only love you, but pleasure you physically as well. It's win-win...

[SoleMate]

Have you talked with her honestly about what you both want your physical relationship to be like? I see several potential problems:

 

* Lack of the physical intimacy you want

 

* When physical intimacy does occur, it's all one side - you give and she takes

 

* You to have apparently not talked about this essential issue

 

Based on what you have said, this is not a simple case of a girl "wanting to hold out for marriage" (which obviously is her choice, and you can deal with that as you see fit). It's also about fairness and trust, right?

 

should i love her even if we never sex or otherwise please each other?

Like for the rest of your lives???? Your choice - but I wouldn't.

 

...i feel that this should be a mutual thing kind of like a give and take...

Yes. Tell her exactly how you feel. Be diplomatic, but also be very clear. You both deserve this kind of udnerstanding.

[DayumQuitPlayin]

It's all about communication, man. If you want some stuff in return.. you should let her know. It's ok to ask. If you're in a relationship with someone.. things should always be 'mutual'. Believe me.. if this is bothering you now.. it will affect the overall outcome of your relationship. If you're not being satisfied.. you should let her know.. tell her that you want this done.. and ask if its ok with her.

 

Just learn to communicate your feelings. Just like what that other guy said.. Dropping hints... that doesn't really work.. it only make them even more confused. Talk things out.. tell her that this is how you feel.. and that you want this.. and ofcourse.. if she's willing to accept it..and do it.. don't make Demands.

 

With whatever you do.. Good Lucc

[missopinionated]

You're both 'way too young to be having sex. She's obviously not into it and you're not enjoying it.

 

Split up, or at least quit trying to have this 'relationship', becuase yes, sex DOES matter in a relationship and YES, it is a joint benefit and NO, you are not old enough for this particular type of relationship.

 

With all the time you save trying to please this girl, you can brush up on your spelling and grammar, which are far more useful and necessary skills for a college student than an ability to let a chick walk all over him.

[crazyinpa]

yo what the hell crawled up you ass when you woke up this morning... first off is she is "obviously not into it" then why does she want it... and secondly what am i not enjoying... i am not enjoying the fact that stupid people like you who dont know how to read respond to my thread... all the other people that responded were not only pleasent but i could tell they thought about what they said... and last time i checked i didnt need help in college, other wise maybe i would post on a college help message board instead of this one... so thanks for you input... but i would have liked it much better if you actually responded to what i was asking instead of ranting about nothing...

[seahorse]

Originally posted by missopinionated

You're both 'way too young to be having sex. She's obviously not into it and you're not enjoying it.

 

Split up, or at least quit trying to have this 'relationship', becuase yes, sex DOES matter in a relationship and YES, it is a joint benefit and NO, you are not old enough for this particular type of relationship.

 

With all the time you save trying to please this girl, you can brush up on your spelling and grammar, which are far more useful and necessary skills for a college student than an ability to let a chick walk all over him.

 

Missopinionated:

crazyinpa is not too young to be having sex, he is 20 years old!! Here in the Uk he would be perfectly legal. However, he said in his post that they are both still virgins, so I guess they are just doing lots of other stuff, or at least he is.

 

Okay crazyinpa; key issue here is lack of sexual generosity or knowledge on her part - yes? You're making all the running, and she's not returning the favour. Is there passion in your relationship; lust?? Are you actually yearning for each other when you get close together?

 

When you get that hot n heavy, can't wait to be with each other, got to be close, close, closer; when you're kissing, making out (usa expression, never sure just how much that covers!), doesn't she just let the passion take over? How close are you getting to actually having sex yet? Is there a reason for not going all the way? You've been together for a few years now, many people would have consummated their relationship by now.

 

Sorry if I'm being nosy, I'm just trying to understand the situation.