Nowhere else to turn, what would you do?

[WilliamNJ]

Hey guys, I've been going through a lot with my relationship and I need some advice and had nowhere else to turn. I'm not one to express my feelings to friends and family, I usually keep it bottled up but I need advice and help. If this drags on i apologize. But any advice you could give would be greatly greatly appreciated.

 

I've been in a relationship for 4 years now and it's really starting to dwell on me that my future is in jeopardy. I don't know if I should end it.

 

First off, a little about myself. My whole life I've been a pushover whose been more concerned about pleasing other people then pleasing myself. I'm afraid of confrontation, and have a hard time expressing myself, because I basically fold under pressure. Those are my short comings as a man, and I'm not to proud to admit it. I feel like this is part of the reason i'm in this position. I'm so concerned about pleasing her, my family, her family etc that I feel like everything about me has been taken for granted.

 

I honestly don't know where to begin so i'm just going to go for it. I've always been very quite and shy, and never really approached women. So when we first met it was a case of her pursuing me. I had a couple people warn me that her feelings might have just been lust. At the time we were both finishing up school, and before we really had a formal date, we ending up sleeping together. This was a little bit of a shock to me, I've only had sex with one other person in my life (i am 28 years old) so I didn't really know how to handle the one night stand thing. She on the other hand has had relations with numerous other people. After that night we kept talking, and a few weeks later she went away to school. We kept talking, and a few months later we decided to date.

 

We really are in love, I don't want to this to come off as me bashing her, because we both have are faults as people, but I've been so unhappy recently, and there's so many issues I just don't know what to do. I feel like every time I bring something up or try to talk I get shot down, and it seems to me like my feelings are invalid in her mind. Basically its come down to the point were marriage is on the table. She has even giving me a countdown, she recently told me if we don't get engaged in 10 months she is going to leave me. I tried to explain that id like to have more money saved, get a promotion, etc before I get married but she has given me an ultimatum basically. So i'm going to list the reasons why i'm hesitant in proposing or moving forward.

 

1. Her Mother. I know that you can't pick your in laws, but this women is a real piece of work. I feel bad for my girlfriend, growing up she had it rough. Her mother dated drug addicts, criminals, and just a terrible collection of low lives. The last man her mother dated for 10 years would physically abuse my girlfriend. Once when she was in H.S. this man choked her nearly to death, while her mother looked on and did nothing. Her mother consistently belittles me and insults me. She knows her mom is crazy, but says I just have to get used to her. Her mother is also controlling, and has told me numerous times that if we move away she will following us, because she will never let me take her daughter away from her. The mother has also convinced my girlfriend that if we do get married, we have to buy a mother/daughter house, so we can support her mother. I do not know if i can deal with her for the rest of my life.

 

2. Our Interests. It seems recently that our relationship has turned into nothing but watching TV. We have completely different interests, and she has done nothing to try and participate in things I enjoy. I'm an outdoorsman i love to camp, fish, hike, kayak, go birding, canoe, backpack, and just basically enjoy being outside. My girlfriend doesn't have many hobbies except watching reality TV, and running. She loves to run 5k's, mud runs, and half marathons, and I really dig that shes so dedicated to her training. Since we've been dating I have run several races with her even though I don't like it, because I want to do the things she likes to do. But when it comes to my hobbies its just a no go for her. Not only will she not do it, she consistently tells me how stupid it is. But the worst part is if I want to go fishing with my buddies it causes a fight, even though I spend about 80% of my time with her. I am also a musician, I play banjo and harmonica. playing blues harmonica is one of my favorite things, but if I play it around her she gets so mad, and just tells me how much she hates it, and how annoying it is. It really makes me sad that one of my talents is such a turn off for her.

 

3. Her Past. 2 of the 4 years we dated were spent in a long distance relationship. She went to school about 6 hours away. During that time we had some real ups and downs. It was mainly due to her behavior involving other men. She would lie about things, make things up, and me being a pushover just made it worse. I could never prove it, but I have a strong gut feeling she cheated on me during her time at school. She would go to bars and get drunk and I would later see pictures of Facebook that would contradict things she told me. Just so much shady things, I'd prefer not to talk about because I don't want to bring back those memories. She just did a few things that I definitely should have broken up with her for, but again i'm a pushover and the thought of her being upset because of me, was to much. I am an enabler.

 

4. My Family. My mother is the sweetest must caring woman on earth. My father on the other hand is a verbally abusive POS. My fathers side of the family is very athletic. My grandfather played major league ball, my father and brothers were all athletes in HS, and college. I never was very competitive, and never played sports. My father would only refer to me as "his faggot son" even though i'm not gay. It wasn't until I started dating her, that my father started being nice to me. It was weird, I went from his son he was embarrassed about, to actually having a conversation with the man. He loves my girlfriend, and sometimes I think back on the times I should have dumped her and it pains me to think the only reason I didn't is because i finally have some sort of relationship with my father. I know that sounds terrible, but again my whole life I've been more concerned about not letting people down, and my happiness is just an after thought.

 

5. Sex Life. In the beginning of our relationship the sex was amazing. She did things that I only thought people did in porn. In a way this attracted me to her more. It was so wild, we had so much passion. That has all faded away now, and it feels like when we do have sex its just us going through the motions or just doing it because we feel like we have to. She told me that she was done giving me oral sex, and over the last year its not even an option anymore. She doesn't act sexually like she used to, when we do it now, its usually just me on top, and there's no spark anyone. Its just boring now. I know that sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but I don't know how it went from so intense and passionate, to a just get it over with type of thing.

 

As I stated before I don't want this to turn into me bashing her because she is an amazing person. When things are good, they are great. We both have awkward and weird personalities, and it works. But it hasn't been great for awhile now. She always starting fights with me for no reason. Its like shes looking for drama. I just don't know what to do. I feel like i'm trapped if i break up with her i'll let so may people down, but if I stay I feel like i'm agreeing to a lifetime of unhappiness. I love her, I really do, but I don't know what to do, If I try to tell her my feelings she somehow flips it on me, and next thing ya know i'm apologizing for some reason. This is the first time in my life I just feel trapped, its like i'm in a rut I can't get out of. I do so much for her, so much I couldn't even begin to list it all, but I feel like its all at the expense of my personal well being. It already felt so good to vent, and any advice or help you guys could offer would be great. Even if you want to yell at me and tell me to man up that's fine. I'm just in desperate need of someone to talk to about this, and I feel like this could help.

 

-Thank you so much

[Eivuwan]

I think you know the answer to whether or not you should continue this relationship. The question is...what would make you love yourself more?

[jacg89]

If you have to question yourself, you should end it.

You are obviously stressed out, like.. bigtime.

Can you really see yourself with this woman for the rest of your life?

 

If you answered no, then the longer you stay with her the more time you are wasting.

You both deserve to be happy, and that is how I felt before I broke up with my ex boyfriend... When things were good, they were great. When they were bad, I wanted to run away. I think that you are just really comfortable with her because you have been with her for so long. You guys may be great together, but as friends... not soulmates.

 

come on... you are on a countdown for an engagement. WTF?

[WilliamNJ]

I think your both right. Yeah the countdown blew my mind too, if i'm going to get engaged Ill do it when the times right, not when someone tells me. When I mentioned something like that to her, it turned into a crazy fight because I apparently don't love her.

 

maybe it is time to do whats right for myself for a change

[MrCastle]

You have to get out of there, man.

[AHaze]

Basically its come down to the point were marriage is on the table. She has even giving me a countdown, she recently told me if we don't get engaged in 10 months she is going to leave me. I tried to explain that id like to have more money saved, get a promotion, etc before I get married but she has given me an ultimatum basically.

 

The USA is so weird for this, I don't get it.

 

It's like the goal of a relationship is to be married, marriage marriage marriage.

 

Why can't you Americans just live in the moment and enjoy being together...

 

In Europe relationships are passive and free flowing, we date and either break up or fall in love.. and then one day the man pops the question - "will you marry me".

 

In the USA you guys tend to make your intentions of marriage known even in the early stages, it seems to be one of the main factors while dating... "are you looking for marriage?"...

 

Crazy..

[MrCastle]

The USA is so weird for this, I don't get it.

 

It's like the goal of a relationship is to be married, marriage marriage marriage.

 

Why can't you Americans just live in the moment and enjoy being together...

 

In Europe relationships are passive and free flowing, we date and either break up or fall in love.. and then one day the man pops the question - "will you marry me".

 

In the USA you guys tend to make your intentions of marriage known even in the early stages, it seems to be one of the main factors while dating... "are you looking for marriage?"...

 

Crazy..

 

That settles it. I'm f*cking moving to Europe.