Tim_horton Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) I have been in a relationship for 2 years with my girlfriend. Things are good except for our sex life - we don't have one, specifically. She is quite shy and has never had a boyfriend before (we are in our thirties.) Whenever I try to initiate sex she stops me. I've asked her about it and she says she doesn't want to get pregnant if she isn't married. She doesn't want to use condoms, and doesn't want to do non-intercourse activities. This has nothing to do with religious reasons, she is affectionate but doesn't seem to enjoy intimacy. When I've asked her about it she gets very defensive. She has talked about me moving in with her but I am somewhat nervous that things will never change. I think some level of physical intimacy is needed for a long term relationship. Also I'd like to have kids and that won't happen on its own... At the same time, she wants a commitment but can't commit to being more intimate. It's a catch 22. I don't think she's seeing someone else, I don't think she's not attracted to guys, but she has a lot of anxiety issues. It's becoming a real problem here. We're "on a break" while we think things over. I don't know if I'm overreacting or being unfair. I may have unrealistic expectations. We do get along otherwise but a part of me feels very lonely without physical intimacy. And I dont mean just hugging or kissing her on the cheek, which is all she wants to do. The last couple of months we were drifting apart as my frustration with the situation grew. But I still miss her... Edited September 3, 2013 by Tim_horton
JDPT Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I'm thinking there is something here a bit more deeper than her simply being "shy". I can suggest for her to see a therapist and explore what may have occured to her in the past. She being in her 30s I can only assume that by now she should have been a bit more comfortable with her sexuality. I was with my ex for 4 years and I kid you not, there was not one time that my ex turned me down not one, she was always ready to go, mean always. And I just couldn't keep my hands off her for 4 years straight. I am only concern now that in the future I will be in your exact same predicament where my future girlfriend will end up turning me down leaving me frustrated.
Author Tim_horton Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 If she told me she wanted to wait for marriage but indicated that she was looking forward to physical intimacy, it would be different... I don't get that sense with her. I feel like the marriage thing is more of an excuse. It's as much my fault as it is hers, I was hoping things would change with time. it's only now that we're on break that I am being very vocal about my frustrations instead of just making attempts, having them shot down, and going to bed.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I'm thinking there is something here a bit more deeper than her simply being "shy". I can suggest for her to see a therapist and explore what may have occured to her in the past. This is it, right here! Though I can't fathom how a guy who thinks it is "as much his fault as it is hers" will ever conclude that he's absolutely right... considering it is zero percent her fault, and zero percent his fault. The past (and the people in it) are surely to blame.
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I think you'll quickly find yourself miserable, resentful, and probably feel forced to cheat at some point. Don't return to this relationship. Spare yourself the ineveitable misery.
hestheone66 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 She is either a deliberate maniplulator waiting to trap you or has ongoing intimacy anxieties that require therapy. She either loves you enough to get help or not. Have yku spken from the heart the importance of physical intimacy for Your emotional well being? 1
unexpectedlyhere Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 She may actually be asexual, or she may have some issue with sex. I believe couples can deal with different levels of libido but it does require a lot of communication and self-awareness and at the moment it sounds like your conversations aren't quite going that way. If you want to try, show openness and see what comes. Also be truthful though about what your expectations are.
KCCK Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I think perhaps you should try to find out more about her before eventually deciding... you said she never had a boyfriend before and most probably she is ignorant regarding sex and perhaps the way she was brought up by her family might have something to do with her sexual interest.. try to find out the real reason why she is reluctant to go sexual.. i agree sex is a key component in a relationship, but if sex is the main component to you, than I disagree.. a girlfriend is not a prostitute, a girlfriend is someone you wanted to spend your time and life with...
saltyfishhead666 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Gotta agree with up top. If this lady of yours doesn't want to have sex with you, oral, normal the works something is wrong. It doesn't mean something is wrong with YOU it sounds like maybe something happened to her and maybe she's just traumatized. Then again if she doesn't want to say it, get help then that's up to her. You can't force someone to admit to something like that nor get help for it. You could well be better off moving on. when she's ready she will handle it. It may be in a year or 20 or never but that's her choice. I'm sorry this is one sucky break up. xx
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