HerTransition Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Hi Everyone, I just wanna start by Thanking any and all who respond to my situation. It's very much appreciated. I am mostly asking for advice from men if there are any here but ladies please feel frre to add anything you like. I need advice, insight, everything you guys can give me because I'm currently trying to move on but I need answers to do so. I hope you can follow, I'll make it as clear as possible. Basically I met my High School Sweetheart when I was 16 and we dated for some time, ended up breaking up but remained the absolute best of friends. About a year after the break up I was really missing being "his" so I'd always bring it up and we'd have long talks about it and the gist was that we were young and he wanted to party with his friends ya know whatever y'all guys do lol so I understood and just Thanked God for his friendship. He ended up joining the military and the whole time through basic training I was right there for him, like I always was, that's just what I do. He ended up writing me a long letter saying he thinks he messed up and that he thinks about marrying me and having kids one day and asked me to wait for him. I did, not because he asked but because at that time I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and thought the time spent waiting would be time I spent finding myself so when the time is right, I'd know who I was before becoming one with another. Plus ever since the yearning I had to be back with him I would pray to God and tell him just how much I loved him and after a while I'd get the "feeling" from God as well to just wait, be patient and have faith. So I did. It was my choice and I don't blame him but I waited outta pure faith. That was 4 years ago. Here's where the real issue starts... Obviously since we are seperated by many states, we always agreed if we needed to to see other people we could but just don't get serious with them. He'd mention on and off how he's lonely and my direct answer would always be, If you can tell me a def. answer if your gonna reenlist I can make a move. Meaning if he was gonna serve longer I'd move to him, if he wasn't I'd stay here till he came home. He always answered he didn't know so I waited to make a move. I've seen him this past Dec and had a very crucial talk with him in March because someone asked me to marry them and I wanted to know where we were. I was on the fence about saying yes for my own reasons so I can't blame him for me turning it down but a big reason I did was because he again told me he wanted to marry me. In may we spoke again. Now guys, last Friday he called me and told me he's 2 months away from being a Dad. That he got lonely in Oct, joined a dating site, met a girl and started having sex. They for whatever reason stopped using protection and one time she didn't let him "pull out" and by Dec she was pregnant. He said he feels trapped...blah blah blah. Needless to say that shook me to the very core of my soul. I spent 10 years at this guys side, ride or die. Did everything I possible could to let him know that I loved him, missed him and wanted him and that I'm here. In Dec he coulda told me. In March he coulda told me. In may, he coulda told me. Why did he lie? I'm asking y'all to please imagine being in this exact situation and as much as possible please tell me what's going through your head. Did he ever care? (Yes a drastic thing always makes women question that lol) Why did he lie to me and say he wanted to marry me all the while he's having a baby? I coulda been married right now while he's having a baby if that's what I woulda choose had he answered differently. What usually happens when you have a baby with a girl you barely know? Did I ever mean anything? I'm seriously at a loss here guys lol I sound superficial but I am broken. 10 years I been RIGHT THERE. Is there something I did wrong or didn't do right? I'm 50/50 on dating/marrying a guy with kids only cause when I have his baby I don't wanna be all excited and he's like oh yeah whatever been there done that. I wanna be someones "first" baby mama (that sounds bad lol) Just don't wanna be second best. Thank You for taking the time to read. Please be nice. Anything you guys can give me I'd appreciate, Thanks.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 It sounds as if there is no sense in ever going back to this high school sweetheart. For it remains impossible that you can be his first baby mamma. I think, also, that the military psychology/mentality, that would have some woman (back home) effectively chained to a guy, just so he can have something to think/dream about to motivate him through his days, played a considerable part in what you describe. He sounds kind of trashy, and while I'm sure you value the meaning of that first true love... if somehow you could independently evaluate what you have in him, he wouldn't come away seeming so rosy. You want to not only value your own emotional investment in your partner, but you want somebody worth valuing as an individual as well. You have plenty on one side of that, and not much on the other. It is probably best to woo yourself away toward other social opportunities you haven't likely explored to their full potential. 2
Author HerTransition Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 It sounds as if there is no sense in ever going back to this high school sweetheart. For it remains impossible that you can be his first baby mamma. I think, also, that the military psychology/mentality, that would have some woman (back home) effectively chained to a guy, just so he can have something to think/dream about to motivate him through his days, played a considerable part in what you describe. He sounds kind of trashy, and while I'm sure you value the meaning of that first true love... if somehow you could independently evaluate what you have in him, he wouldn't come away seeming so rosy. You want to not only value your own emotional investment in your partner, but you want somebody worth valuing as an individual as well. You have plenty on one side of that, and not much on the other. It is probably best to woo yourself away toward other social opportunities you haven't likely explored to their full potential. Thank You for taking the time to reply. You are right about everything. I'm not an ignorant person and as I sit now, hindsight being 20/20, he isn't so Rosy. I just chalked it up to him adjusting to life and was confused. Guilty of being naive. Thank You your words. Plenty of fish in the sea right, sure hope that's true lol
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Wow, could not agree more with the obove poster. To add to that, there is NOTHING superficial in what you've said. You aere amazingly dedicated to this guy. You kept your word and held out for this guy. I don't know of many people with enough guts, charater or determination to do something like that. Now? Time for you to move on and heal. His feeling "trapped" is not your problem, thats his stupidity and he now has to deal with it, not you. Best thing this guy can do is re-enlist, and take care of his child now. You now have all the freedoms in the world. Don't look at your declining of a marriage proposal as lost time, look at it as growing time. It probably would not have worked out in the long run because you'd always be playing the "what if" game. Let it go. 1
Author HerTransition Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Wow, could not agree more with the obove poster. To add to that, there is NOTHING superficial in what you've said. You aere amazingly dedicated to this guy. You kept your word and held out for this guy. I don't know of many people with enough guts, charater or determination to do something like that. Now? Time for you to move on and heal. His feeling "trapped" is not your problem, thats his stupidity and he now has to deal with it, not you. Best thing this guy can do is re-enlist, and take care of his child now. You now have all the freedoms in the world. Don't look at your declining of a marriage proposal as lost time, look at it as growing time. It probably would not have worked out in the long run because you'd always be playing the "what if" game. Let it go. I agree, will do. Thank You very very much for your time&advice, I'll keep it in mind!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Thank You for taking the time to reply. You are right about everything. I'm not an ignorant person and as I sit now, hindsight being 20/20, he isn't so Rosy. I just chalked it up to him adjusting to life and was confused. Guilty of being naive. Thank You your words. Plenty of fish in the sea right, sure hope that's true lol .... and yeah, as somebody said, you are amazingly dedicated to this guy (and that's a good thing - where it exists as a mere measure of how much you have to give/offer). For the time being, do everything in your power to recognize the difference between that which is "him" (as an individual)... and that which warms your heart for being your (mostly-independent) emotional investment IN him. Then give yourself continued credit for having been able to value all of that which entails your (wanting so badly to give your love and devotion to (somebody)) ... and then further recognize that it really doesn't have to be him, to net you the grandest results in the end) Think of this whole picture like a stock you or your grandfather purchased: You bought-in (invested) at $100 per share (back in high school)... and the stock roared upward for quite a while (maybe $170 a share, or whatever). Then it began to drop... and you split-up a time or two... at some point it went under the original $100 price, yet you still felt invested. Soon it took a further turn for the worse, and maybe dipped to $62 a share... and you began to tease yourself with the thought that the only way to get your money back on this would be to stick with it, hoping for a rebound. Then it dipped further to $45 a share... and you were driven to Loveshack, trying to find a way out. Well, what you need to be conscious of, right now, is that there are so many stocks out there on the open market where $45 of GOOD investment could get your (romantic portfolio) back on the right track. If the stock market part doesn't seem familiar enough to you... I can put it bluntly using sex: There are surely plenty of guys on Loveshack here with much bigger (equipment) than you're used to, and some with more money than what your eventual beau will have... but the very best f**king of your life is gonna happen with a partner you trust enough to let down your own walls of defense the furthest and show that very same vulnerability of which we now know you to be capable. But you neeeeeeeeed a candidate whose own trustworthiness is enough to cause you to want very badly to expose your soul (partly in preparation for that intense f**king ). And yes, right now, the tough part is somehow convincing yourself that to begin anew with $45 (of healthy emotional money) to invest is just as good as your once having had $100 to invest when you were back in high school. It isn't easy... but your eventual happiness in life will relate more to where you are relative TO whatever your initial investment had been, rather than the initial size of that investment. 1
Author HerTransition Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Lmfao!! You have a very good way of explaining things and you have def cheered me up. I was surprisingly able to follow that very well. I can't explain how much sense you make and am grateful I came here. Y'all are opening my eyes and are giving me hope and that's priceless to me. I want you to know your not wasting your time in responding to me because I am taking everything I read seriously and taking it with me. Again Thank You so so much, especially for the laugh, I love good people! I was hesitant to post here but was desperate for answers and now I'm glad I did. God Bless you very much. .... and yeah, as somebody said, you are amazingly dedicated to this guy (and that's a good thing - where it exists as a mere measure of how much you have to give/offer). For the time being, do everything in your power to recognize the difference between that which is "him" (as an individual)... and that which warms your heart for being your (mostly-independent) emotional investment IN him. Then give yourself continued credit for having been able to value all of that which entails your (wanting so badly to give your love and devotion to (somebody)) ... and then further recognize that it really doesn't have to be him, to net you the grandest results in the end) Think of this whole picture like a stock you or your grandfather purchased: You bought-in (invested) at $100 per share (back in high school)... and the stock roared upward for quite a while (maybe $170 a share, or whatever). Then it began to drop... and you split-up a time or two... at some point it went under the original $100 price, yet you still felt invested. Soon it took a further turn for the worse, and maybe dipped to $62 a share... and you began to tease yourself with the thought that the only way to get your money back on this would be to stick with it, hoping for a rebound. Then it dipped further to $45 a share... and you were driven to Loveshack, trying to find a way out. Well, what you need to be conscious of, right now, is that there are so many stocks out there on the open market where $45 of GOOD investment could get your (romantic portfolio) back on the right track. If the stock market part doesn't seem familiar enough to you... I can put it bluntly using sex: There are surely plenty of guys on Loveshack here with much bigger (equipment) than you're used to, and some with more money than what your eventual beau will have... but the very best f**king of your life is gonna happen with a partner you trust enough to let down your own walls of defense the furthest and show that very same vulnerability of which we now know you to be capable. But you neeeeeeeeed a candidate whose own trustworthiness is enough to cause you to want very badly to expose your soul (partly in preparation for that intense f**king ). And yes, right now, the tough part is somehow convincing yourself that to begin anew with $45 (of healthy emotional money) to invest is just as good as your once having had $100 to invest when you were back in high school. It isn't easy... but your eventual happiness in life will relate more to where you are relative TO whatever your initial investment had been, rather than the initial size of that investment.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Wow, what a grateful girl... I am somewhat moved... (especially by her ability to make it so clear that she followed along and got everything she was supposed to get from all of that ) 1
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