I think my boyfriend might still be seeing his friend with benefits

[bronwynn]

I think my boyfriend might be cheating on me. We are both in our mid to late 40’s. I overheard a conversation a while ago that has just been sitting in my gut making me ill ever since. Let me explain the situation so I can get some constructive advice on how serious this may be.

 

I met him and we started dating 5 years ago. He told me after we started dating that he had a long standing “friend with benefits” situation going on which stopped once he started seeing me. Basically his ex girlfriend way back from when they were 16yo and he hook up when they are both single. It was made very clear that it never happens when either of them are in a relationship. I have met her and she has become part of our extended group, we maybe see her 6 to 10 times a year.

 

We were at a party a while ago and my boyfriend, his ex and a number of others were in the lounge room chatting. I was out of the verandah smoking and I could hear the entire conversation. I stood there and listened for quite a while and heard some very disturbing things. They were making light of situations when they had previously hooked up when they WERE IN RELATIONSHIPS. They were saying how their partners were too stupid to know and there were a lot of ‘remember when’ moments.

 

I have never had a cause to doubt my man, I have never even seen him look inappropriately at another woman. But now I know he has lied to me when he told me that they had never done it while in relationships. I don’t know what other lies he has told or whether I am one of those ‘stupid people’ that doesn’t know that they are still hooking up. I can’t resolve these feelings myself and I fear that asking him will be a huge slap in the face if he is indeed faithful to me.

 

I know it should be easy to just say I overheard the conversation and I am concerned and can you please explain. I can’t see what that will achieve. If he is faithful he will tell me they were just jokes or something like that but he is faithful to me. But if he is a cheater he will just tell me exactly that same thing. Either way I am going to get the answer that he is and always has been faithful to me but I have no way of knowing if that is the truth or an extension of the lie.

 

I have given a lot of thought to hiring a private investigator but that is pretty drastic. Does anyone have any other ideas or experiences that could shed some light?

[KatZee]

Or you could be your own private investigator. Don't act any different and see if you can get access to his Facebook account (if he has one), his e-mails, text messages, or any other form of social media in which he may (or may not use) to contact this FWB. I would do your own investigation before you come out with anything to him.

 

I find it highly awkward that this woman is still in his life since the age of 16, a woman he has continued going back to, a woman he cheats on others with, and a woman who is in your social circle. The whole situation just smells funny.

[Maleficent]

Or you could be your own private investigator. Don't act any different and see if you can get access to his Facebook account (if he has one), his e-mails, text messages, or any other form of social media in which he may (or may not use) to contact this FWB. I would do your own investigation before you come out with anything to him.

 

I find it highly awkward that this woman is still in his life since the age of 16, a woman he has continued going back to, a woman he cheats on others with, and a woman who is in your social circle. The whole situation just smells funny.

 

Worst.advice.ever.

 

OP, if you've been with him for five years, then you should be cozy with each other to talk openly about stuff like this.

So just talk to him about it.

[bronwynn]

Or you could be your own private investigator. Don't act any different and see if you can get access to his Facebook account (if he has one), his e-mails, text messages, or any other form of social media in which he may (or may not use) to contact this FWB. I would do your own investigation before you come out with anything to him.

 

I find it highly awkward that this woman is still in his life since the age of 16, a woman he has continued going back to, a woman he cheats on others with, and a woman who is in your social circle. The whole situation just smells funny.

 

He does not own a computer. He only uses the computer at my house and I set up his email and facebook account. I have the passwords to both and am normally next to him when he checks them as he is not confidant on the computer. He has a phone but I have never even heard it ring. I suppose I could check that.

 

The situation with his ex is an unusual one but it was probably part of the attraction that made me stay as it is very similar to my ex-husband and I. We got married early, split, got back together, split again and then casually saw each other for the next 5 years until he remarried.

[KatZee]

Worst.advice.ever.

 

OP, if you've been with him for five years, then you should be cozy with each other to talk openly about stuff like this.

So just talk to him about it.

 

Actually if you knew anything about, or had even remotely participated in any infidelity forums, you would know that THIS is what you're supposed to do. Investigate, investigate, investigate.

 

If OP is even remotely concerned he may be cheating, the WORST thing to do is come out and confront when you know nothing. The cheater then knows he's "caught." Maybe not in the full sense where the partner has tangible evidence, but is caught enough to know he/she needs to take this crap underground.

 

The last thing a BS wants to do is have their WS know they are on to them.