hopelessromantic123 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) I've been with my bf for almost a year (11mo to be exact) and I just can't tell if we actually have a problem. **A bit of background info on us: Up until his mother arrived ( I don't have a problem with her, she's wonderful) everything was perfect. He cares alot about me, listens to me vice versa etc. He's a wonderful boyfriend** After an argument my boyfriend texted me and said he thinks we should take a break. After reading that message we spoke on the phone and I asked him why. He said that right now he works 40-60 hours a week and is just focused on saving up money. On top of stress at work his mother came from out of the country to visit him and is staying with him and that's stressful. And on top of it all he's in the process of moving. Basically he said he has alot of stress and our relationship is also an other stress added to the rest. This is the same guy who told me 3 weeks ago (before his mother came to visit, before he decided to move and before he took a second job) that no one came before me. So I was surprised... He ended up saying he wasn't sure he wanted to take a break after all and we ended the conversation at that. The next day we spoke normally like if nothing had happened and he told me he wanted to see me after work. So after work we drove up to meet. When we saw each other it was as if nothing had ever happened. He didn't talk about taking a break or breaking up-- nothing. We took a walk downtown, watched an outdoor show etc. After that we grabbed something to eat and had s*x.. After that I tried to talk about our relationship and what he had said the day before and he got irritated and basically didn't want to talk about it. Now this makes me think the only reason he wanted to see me was for that. He talks to me normaly, he told me he loved me, like nothing is wrong but for some reason I feel like he's not happy. I want to talk to him about it be he wants to hear none of it. He doesn't want any more stress and talking about our relationship is stressfull to him. What should I do? HELP! Edited September 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Babolat Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 (edited) Well, it's not fair for him to put that out there than not want to talk more about it. If I were you, I would give him some space, tell him you are, maybe say 7 days, then agree to meet then and talk and see how you each feel. Edited September 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author hopelessromantic123 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Well, it's not fair for him to put that out there than not want to talk more about it. If I were you, I would give him some space, tell him you are, maybe say 7 days, then agree to meet then and talk and see how you each feel. But the thing is he's talking to me like if nothing ever happened... Conversating like we normaly do. I feel like maybe he doesn't want to take a break anymore? Everytime we talk about relationship issues he has little to say. So if I ask him how he feels he'll just get frusterated and it'll ruin everything.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 If he feels it is so stressful to have you around at the same time life is happening, remove yourself. If he cant talk to you about this, there is no relationship. 2
KatZee Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 But the thing is he's talking to me like if nothing ever happened... Conversating like we normaly do. I feel like maybe he doesn't want to take a break anymore? Everytime we talk about relationship issues he has little to say. So if I ask him how he feels he'll just get frusterated and it'll ruin everything. Be careful and keep your eyes open in regards to ALLLLL of this. Essentially, he started to come clean to you about his true feelings. Make no mistake, what you know is only the tip of the iceberg of how he truly feels regarding the relationship. He either got overwhelmed, or he's waffling between staying with you and leaving and he can't handle this stress right now. So instead of actually facing the problems, discussing it, and working through it... his decision was to sweep everything under the rug and pretend nothing happened. This is a tactic emotionally unavailable people use. The relationship will hit a certain point, and because they're not comfortable at this point they do something to bring it back to their own comfort level. (IE: him telling you he thinks he wants a break). The next tactic is called "hitting the reset button." Essentially, you're now on eggshells, and you're going to be on your toes around him to make sure you don't upset him enough into pulling the trigger regarding a break/breakup. So his reset button was basically emotionally vomiting on you, and then acting as if nothing happened at all. Sure he feels great that he got some stuff off his chest, but now YOU'RE in the hot seat feeling uncertain, thrown off, on shaky ground, and like you're not stable in your own relationship. It's an issue here that you don't even feel comfortable enough to bring anything up, for fear of "scaring him off," or "ruining everything." If he's comfortable enough telling you he wants a break, then it should be OK for you to be honest with him in regards to your own feelings. It's a red flag if you're not comfortable doing this. I know in my last relationship, my ex pulled this stunt a total of three times. The first two times he wasn't sure he wanted to be in the relationship, he needed space, a break, time to himself, wasn't sure of things... and then he'd come back days later like nothing ever happened at all. He "didn't want" the space anymore or the break, he loved me, he was "happy." The result of him pulling the rug out from under me though, was me walking on eggshells, being insecure, paranoid, scared I would make him angry and annoy him and that he'd finally dump me. So essentially I became a shell of myself, I was always on edge, worried, anxious... The third and final time was actually the full on dumping. Watch out for guys who waffle. Who say they love you, then who want space from you and who "aren't sure" or "want a break." There's definitely some conflict going on in his brain and just pretending this didn't happen isn't going to be good for the relationship. Unfortunately, you can't dig this out of him. You can't force him to talk, or to be honest, or sit down with you and rehash whatever went on. I'd say keep your guard up. Watch him. Really pay attention to behaviors. Try to pull back emotionally a bit. If he pulls this again, I'd highly advise removing yourself from the situation, because people who run hot and cold and pull this crap are so exhausting. 5
Babolat Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 But the thing is he's talking to me like if nothing ever happened... Conversating like we normaly do. I feel like maybe he doesn't want to take a break anymore? Everytime we talk about relationship issues he has little to say. So if I ask him how he feels he'll just get frusterated and it'll ruin everything. What KatZee said.... Bring it up yourself, get resolution, communication, and, IMHO, start to distance yourself emotionally, detach.
Author hopelessromantic123 Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 I think I'll wait a bit and pay attention to his behavior. If I see that he's pulling away or not being his usual self I'll talk to him about it.
crederer Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I had an ex do the same. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if someone wants to take a break, give it to them. Don't contact them. Don't respond to their e-mails or texts with anything other than "once you decide you're done with the break, we can talk again. Until then I'm moving on with one of the many other men/women that would be grateful to be with me" 2
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