That felt so darn good!

[ladydesigner]

Not only did you open up NC but you didn't accept a mild and calm response asking for it to stop. You come across as baiting her for reactions when she didn't apologize. I hate to say it but I agree with the others that this smacks of insecurity and that's probably how she saw it too.

 

I hope you got what you needed out of it but I also hope it didn't open things up that would have been better left closed.

 

First off just want to say that most every BS becomes insecure after DDay it is one of it's many wonderful effects. So I am not surprised the OP reacted this way. This was a one time thing, I won't get into what I had to do to get OW to go away. Well my WH actually had enough of the drama she was creating, he ended up telling her off in the end.

 

I do not know how to trust him yet. I do not know if that will ever come back. He is definitely trying but I do not have it in me to believe him yet. As far as the OW goes, I do not give a crap what she thinks of me now. She can think I am an ugly old insecure hag for all I care. It no longer matters.

Don't worry about the trust. It is up to your WH to prove to you how trustworthy he is and it sounds like it as he has given full transparency?

OW is meaningless at this point. Please do not feel insecure, usually the OW is because you have 'her man' so to speak. Just focus on YOU and WH and maybe get into MC and start healing.

[waterwoman]

First off just want to say that most every BS becomes insecure after DDay it is one of it's many wonderful effects)

 

So true! An affair strikes at the very heart of a marriage and wounds a BS in the most tender and undefended part. I admire those who could say that they walked instantly and washed their hands of the WS, I really do. But I wasn't' able to. I think many are like me. I was like a big pile of jelly after d-day, I'd have done anything to feel safe. It's utterly terrifying, humiliating and overwhelming.

[Summer Breeze]

I did get what I needed and honestly I do not care how she see's me now. She apparently thought I was some old hag anyhow.

 

I'm sorry to say it but if you'd chosen to send me more messages after I responded calmly and rationally I'd have thought you were a piece of work too. If DMMs W had tried to get in touch with me after we'd been NC for 9 months I would have simply said 'I am not in contact with you or DMM and I expect you to do the same'. I would send that response every email, call or SMS. I always talked to her when we had ddays and I was always honest. If 9 months had passed I'd look at completely differently.

 

The one thing is that you feel better for it. I am glad for that even though I can't say I like the fact the drama was stirred up all over again for everyone and the two of them were put into direct contact again.

 

I also know how hard it is to keep quiet when everything in you wants answers and to lash out. I'm just glad you feel better for it.

[Summer Breeze]

First off just want to say that most every BS becomes insecure after DDay it is one of it's many wonderful effects. So I am not surprised the OP reacted this way. This was a one time thing, I won't get into what I had to do to get OW to go away. Well my WH actually had enough of the drama she was creating, he ended up telling her off in the end.

 

This post was in response to my post so responding back.

 

I was a BS and I know the insecurities. I know the feeling of having your H level that destruction, fear, and betrayal at you. I left because I knew I couldn't trust him ever again. Many of the insecurities remained even though I ended the M. I still don't understand the need to blame the OW but that's me.

 

I think the biggest thing I had with SO20s situation is that it sounded like the OW had settled down and was leaving them alone. I personally wouldn't stir up the drama again and if the OW was clear that it was done and to request to stay with the NC I don't understand baiting her to see a reaction. It's like ripping the bandaid off a scab and saying 'oh no, it's bleeding'.

[imbetteroff]

It looks like the OW has moved on, leave her alone as she has kept NC.

[todreaminblue]

Do you know the best thing i ever did with the other woman....i wished he r happy xmas after seven years of silence.......from me....i had not spoken to her in that seven years, didnt berate her for lying when i found her phone number in my exes phone.....and when i wished her happy xmas......when my girls rang their dad i spoke to her.............i felt a weigh lift off my heart....and i smiled.......it was gone...the resentment i felt for her as a woman and a mother........

 

grace is not degenerating into who looks better...grace is not needing to question......grace is letting go....so ihope now you have found that grace...dont talk to her again...its not helpful for you actually in my opinion.....you will always have questions and those answers you may get will never change that what happened..... happened....... and your husband however good now...is half to blame...it isnt all on her..i came to realize that with my ex.........deb

[Journee]

Or they'd previously agreed on what the truth would be.

 

It's hard to tell sometimes.

 

 

 

Yes, this is what makes R so difficult. Sometimes one has to accept that they may never know the complete and full scope. That there may always be some nagging question or detail that is never quite put to rest. If we as BS can claim that the AP doesn't know what went on in our home and M surely the same is possible for the A. Even with intercepted texts and phone bills. Unless we listened to the hours of conversation , were present for the months and years of sex , saw every picture.....* sigh* you just will never know. Neither party can be trusted. Neither party deserves trusting IMO. Trust in yourself which is hard to do also. Especially, when you never thought taking back a cheater was a task you could undertake. You are now in unfamiliar waters. Doing something you never saw yourself doing.

 

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. It's one heck of a mind F. Somedays you don't know if your are coming or going.

 

I met the side piece in my situation. We talked , we sat down together , we were human together. It could have went all kinds of ways. It wouldn't had made a difference in the indisputable facts for me. There was sex , there were lots of phone calls and lots of texts. There was disrespect unlike I have ever known. That's what I needed to know. We all need different things from these situations but at some point involving the AP again and again will be damaging. To all parties.

 

I hope you are ok now and still happy with your decision to do this. I hope you can login sometime and let us all know how you are doing.

 

Wishing you healing.

[screwedovertwenty]

Yes, this is what makes R so difficult. Sometimes one has to accept that they may never know the complete and full scope. That there may always be some nagging question or detail that is never quite put to rest. If we as BS can claim that the AP doesn't know what went on in our home and M surely the same is possible for the A. Even with intercepted texts and phone bills. Unless we listened to the hours of conversation , were present for the months and years of sex , saw every picture.....* sigh* you just will never know. Neither party can be trusted. Neither party deserves trusting IMO. Trust in yourself which is hard to do also. Especially, when you never thought taking back a cheater was a task you could undertake. You are now in unfamiliar waters. Doing something you never saw yourself doing.

 

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. It's one heck of a mind F. Somedays you don't know if your are coming or going.

 

I met the side piece in my situation. We talked , we sat down together , we were human together. It could have went all kinds of ways. It wouldn't had made a difference in the indisputable facts for me. There was sex , there were lots of phone calls and lots of texts. There was disrespect unlike I have ever known. That's what I needed to know. We all need different things from these situations but at some point involving the AP again and again will be damaging. To all parties.

 

I hope you are ok now and still happy with your decision to do this. I hope you can login sometime and let us all know how you are doing.

 

Wishing you healing.

 

Thank you! I actually read here almost every single day. (It's become a bit of an addiction!)

 

I have no regrets about opening communication. It answered more than one question that had been nagging at me for a very long time. I have no more questions for her.

 

I am at the point now that I understand the affair. I believe I know everything there is to know about it. I understand everything that led to it. I hate every bit of it, but I understand it.

 

I am beginning to believe that my husband really does love me. I believe he is truly remorseful and regrets every part of the affair.

 

Lately I am struggling with the triggers. I have to drive past the main hotel almost every day. I have to drive past the road that leads to their spot on the river (where the majority of the affair occurred). I picture them in the car and my imagination gets the best of me. It hurts my heart and I can't get the images out of my head.

 

I have been through so much in this marriage, and all from his doing. I have stuck by his side when others would have ran. I held everything together through his drinking and early recovery years. Through my last pregnancy, I worked two jobs while he worked one, and drove myself to the hospital while in labor. When he was finally able to drive himself back and forth to work (after five years), he decided to work two jobs and wanted me to quit mine. I loved my job and didn't want to quit. I had to cut my hours down to almost nothing because he took on two jobs. I ended up loosing a job that I loved and spent a year trying to find something else that would work with his schedule and the kids. I ended up going back to the waitressing job that I had already quit twice before. I have been there ever since.

 

If you ask him, he would say that the marriage was only bad for the last two or three years. I made a timeline and if I am honest, I have only been happily married for one out of the almost eighteen years we have been married. Our first year. His timeline goes back to about when I was so fed up from being emotionally neglected that I had to start working myself up to actually want to have sex with him. He forgot my 40th birthday and that was the final straw in my heart. It was not the first time he forgot. He actually forgets more than he remembers. So that's about the time that the sex went down to once a week. That is when it went bad for him.

 

He is the only man I have ever been in love with. He is the only one who has ever broken my heart. I have no idea whether I can get over this or not. Last year was a good year for me and I thought for us. I had gone back to school after seventeen years and made the deans list. We were finally in a position to buy our own house. His DUI's left us financially devastated and it took years to dig out of that mess. We have lived in a house that we put the down payment on and have been renting from his sister, for the last seven years. We put an offer on a house last summer, but it fell through. We were getting ready to put an offer on another house when DDay happened. I thought that it was going to be the best year ever! It was the worst! I feel like he played me for a fool by signing all of those mortgage papers and going with me to see the houses. For planning with me. Ugh! I just don't know if I can get over all of that! He probably went and screwed her the same day that we signed those papers and the day we looked at the house!

 

I guess I still have a lot of issues.

[turnera]

You're not the one with the issues. You just got used.