That felt so darn good!

[screwedovertwenty]

I am sorry you are having this experience. You seem to be doing better and your husband seems like he is trying to help you heal from his A. Has he gone to counseling?

 

Thank you. Yes he went to a few counseling sessions and so did I and we went to marriage counseling. The insurance ran out. I would like to get us all back in again.

[BetrayedH]

The long text was actually more nasty **** she was saying to me. Then she realized that it was him who texted her and she said, "Oh I thought that was her. Yes, just sex. AGREED. Do not let her call me again." He replied, "Don't worry we are done with you".

 

We both feel good about this right now.

 

I'm glad it worked out.

 

I'll spare you a speech other than to say I hope this stays a one-time thing. If you stay satisfied, there's no need to contact her again. And if these feelings creep up again, this didn't work so there's no sense trying it again.

[purplesoul]

Funnily, I can relate to that little petty satisfaction haha! I wish I could rub it all over my H's ex EA who also happened to be an ex.

 

Like you, I wanted my husband to SHOW HER that he LOVES ME and she meant NOTHING. More than not, that's more about your insecurities than anything else.

 

He's with you, you guys are working at it. Believe me, that's the best revenge. Let her be, more than anything, for your sake.

[purplesoul]

Also, please, even if the feeling comes back to make yet another point to her, just don't, refrain. The more contact you have with her, the more she will actually THINK that all this meant more than your husband says it did.

 

If she was truly that insignifcant, she should not warrant more effort on either yours or your husband's part!

[anne1707]

I have not and will not stop watching him.

 

Whilst this is fine and totally understandable in the months and very early years after dday, this is not a healthy way to be long term. If you feel the need to watch him years down the line then you have not managed to rebuild and reconcile. It will just make you both miserable.

[Spark1111]

SO20.....I get it.

 

You needed confirmation he was telling the truth and he was! that IS a comfort.

 

You kindly worried she was hurt in all of this. I did too! And if she was, I was the last person she would ever admit it too....arrogant, nasty, contemptuous.

 

Sigh! All my kindness wasted for so long.

 

Your OW pulled the younger, prettier card. PULLEAZE. How shallow.

[Summer Breeze]

I opened up communication with xOW. I asked her if my husband ever told her that he loved her, if he ever said he was going to leave me and if she had feelings for him. I also asked her if she was at all sorry for any of this. Her response was "I'd really like not to reopen this book. I respect him and whatever he told you should suffice. This is not my place. Of course I had feelings, he's a great person and when you spend that much time with someone it's inevitable."

 

So I responded that it's awfully hard to believe something from someone who found it so easy to lie for so long. Assuming her reasons for not answering my questions was that he did say those things, I texted him claiming that she had confirmed that he was lying. He texted her (with my permission) and told her "What did you say to her? You know and I know that I never said those things to you". She responded back to him that she didn't say that and she knows he never said those things!

 

I responded to her, "I used to think he was a great person but great people don't cheat and lie to get what they want. As you have no remorse for hurting four innocent people, just to get what you want, shows that he threw away our marriage and our family for someone without a conscience. Good luck living a happy life. Maybe one day your actions will catch up to you."

 

Her response, "Look, it takes two to. I did not seek to ruin anyone's life, nor did I. Grace is a virtue. Good luck. The end."

 

I could not help myself and I responded with "I find it amusing that you talk of grace. Screwing married men is graceful? Okay! I also find it amusing that I actually felt bad for you that you ended up getting hurt by all of this and he does not feel bad for you at all. He said you knew exactly what you were getting into so he has no reason to feel bad. He doesn't think you are a great person. Actually just the opposite. Thinking of you actually makes him sick. Go figure!"

 

Her response, "Girl please! Have you seen me? You don't bother me one bit haha just let it be come the **** on lol. do not text back"

 

So I did, "Yep, I have seen you and you are not all that. Have you seen me?"

 

I forwarded the texts to my husband and he sent her a message that he didn't appreciate her talking to me like that and that she knew it was just sex. He texted me back telling me how good it felt to say that to her and get it off his back. She had said some nasty things to me before and he did not want to respond to them because he was trying to not communicate with her.

 

I know it's been several months since no contact, but I really needed to see what kind of person she really is and I needed my husband to be a man and stand up for me. Apparently she texted him back some long text. I will read it later. I told him that he could respond if he wanted.

 

Maybe now I can get her off my mind! She is a pathetic, shallow hole of a human being and he see's that too.

 

 

Not only did you open up NC but you didn't accept a mild and calm response asking for it to stop. You come across as baiting her for reactions when she didn't apologize. I hate to say it but I agree with the others that this smacks of insecurity and that's probably how she saw it too.

 

I hope you got what you needed out of it but I also hope it didn't open things up that would have been better left closed.

[turnera]

Action:

I have been there for him through his alcohol recovery and drove him around for five years when he lost his license. I kept a roof over our heads when he was in jail for his dui's (fifteen years ago).

 

Result:

None of this mattered. He still cheated.

[shortee]

You provoked her and she didnt take the bait. She gave a non answer. Then you provoked her again. Why should she be nice to you? Your husband is the one who needs to feel remorse, not her. Just leave her alone.

[HopingAgain]

I understand your reasoning for wanting to do this. You wanted to confirm that H was telling the truth and for your H to present a united front with you in taking a stand against OW. I'm glad it seems to have helped you feel more peace. I'm assuming you've probably wanted to give OW a piece of your mind for awhile now.

 

Now that you've received a bit of closure and a release from some of your anger, leave the OW alone. She's not going to feel remorse and she really isn't important to your marriage anyway. Don't make her feel like a factor when she's a non factor to your relationship.

[Jonah]

Just that you contacted her, that you felt her important enough for you to act out, investing much time in premeditation for the contact and in the contact itself clearly indicates that she dwells inside of you, gleefully pulling strings to control you like a helpless rag-doll. If she has any vision at all she will see this and know, that no matter how the conversation went, she owns you and now that you were all nasty with her she may be taking pleasure in knowing how her selfishness in doing whatever she wanted to with your husband is still pushing your buttons.

 

The solution is to come to an understanding that the situation exists only in your mind, then choose to be ok with it as well as all the other uncomfortable aspects of your life. There will be pain and sorrow in our lives. Best we can do is find comfort in helping others find comfort. Spreading discomfort will always come back to us one way or another. You might feel good in the short term, but you have acted the smaller person and this is the person that you bring into your future.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am a FOW (and a BS) - you say it's been 9 months since there was any contact? If my XMM's BS called me I would definitely be questioning WHY at that point? I understand there are probably unanswered questions, but here is thing:

 

If you are reconciling you have to make a choice to trust. If you go to her you take the chance that she will contradict what your husband is saying and then you have to choose who to believe - how does that do you any good?

 

I did sit down with XMM"s wife right after the second DDay - partly because we were friends and I felt like I owed her that. She called me and wanted to meet. She said at the time she didn't know why, except that she wanted to see me. I answered her questions honestly. Afterwards, while I was in LC with XMM (she didn't know it) she apparently wanted to ask me more questions and He convinced her not to contact me again and she never did.

 

I believe he has been less than honest with her, but that's her problem now, not mine.

 

I hope you feel that you have resolved a few things by your interaction with her, but I don't think much good can come from a situation like that. I also believe (just because of my own experience with my XMM and my husband) that they protect their own A**. No one will convince me otherwise because I have been on both sides and seen it. I will never believe that anyone involved in an affair will completely and honestly disclose everything. But that's my opinion and my experience.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you are reconciling you have to make a choice to trust. If you go to her you take the chance that she will contradict what your husband is saying and then you have to choose who to believe - how does that do you any good?

And that's the part that I don't understand.

 

screwedovertwenty, you contacted someone you describe as a "pathetic, shallow hole of a human being" . So you're comparing feedback and recollections from someone you don't trust with that of someone you do? I don't see the end game...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

Your OW pulled the younger, prettier card. PULLEAZE. How shallow.

 

I know right:rolleyes:

 

MOW tried to do the same with me. She actually told me that all I do is obsess about her all day long. She knows what I am compared to her. I said four simple words back to her "I don't, you're nothing." I mean seriously what a train wreck that would have been. I held the door wide open for my WH to leave...damn coward.

 

To the OP. It's okay we all end up in contact with the OW one way or another sometimes it is pleasant other times brutal. Does it really matter though? OP you are the one who needs to be important and heal not your WH and not the OW. The best revenge is to pick yourself up and don't look back at that *****. She is upset because you have what she wants.

[busdriver]

COntacting the OW was one area of friction I had with my W after D-day. My OW initiated NC immediately, and has not broken it. My W wanted to contact her, for much the same reasons as SO20. She could have - she had our office number and my OW knew her well. But I did step in to try and convince her otherwise, and she relented. Mostly I was worried about a situation just like this one.

 

I know my W, and she is very much invested, like SO20, in 'reclaiming' me. My OW, however, is exactly the opposite, and I would be surprised if, after so many months of NC, she even thinks of me at all. To receive a message from my W would seem out-of-place. At best, it would broadcast to her that my R with my W is not going well, and that my OW is on our minds (which gives her enormous power.) At worst, it would leave my OW thinking that my W is insecure and crude and possibly unstable. While my particular OW would take no action on this knowledge, some would. Some would see it as a door left open, an invitation to divide and conquer.

 

Obviously you must do what you have to do in order to feel all right about yourself. But this instinct can backfire, and the insecurity can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[HopingAgain]

COntacting the OW was one area of friction I had with my W after D-day. My OW initiated NC immediately, and has not broken it. My W wanted to contact her, for much the same reasons as SO20. She could have - she had our office number and my OW knew her well. But I did step in to try and convince her otherwise, and she relented. Mostly I was worried about a situation just like this one.

 

I know my W, and she is very much invested, like SO20, in 'reclaiming' me. My OW, however, is exactly the opposite, and I would be surprised if, after so many months of NC, she even thinks of me at all. To receive a message from my W would seem out-of-place. At best, it would broadcast to her that my R with my W is not going well, and that my OW is on our minds (which gives her enormous power.) At worst, it would leave my OW thinking that my W is insecure and crude and possibly unstable. While my particular OW would take no action on this knowledge, some would. Some would see it as a door left open, an invitation to divide and conquer.

 

Obviously you must do what you have to do in order to feel all right about yourself. But this instinct can backfire, and the insecurity can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

 

You make a good point here. I think it becomes a game to some OW, to see who can ultimately "win" the MM after Dday. I know my request to ExOW in our sitch to stop contact went unheard and she just texted my H more after that trying to resume things. She didn't stop until she was met with silence from him. Sometimes ignoring and NC is really the way to go in this situation, or otherwise it makes the OW think she still has a chance.

[screwedovertwenty]

I'm glad it worked out.

 

I'll spare you a speech other than to say I hope this stays a one-time thing. If you stay satisfied, there's no need to contact her again. And if these feelings creep up again, this didn't work so there's no sense trying it again.

 

Thank you! I really do feel it is what I needed! I know exactly what kind of person she is and I do think that is going to help me get her out of my head! I have no intentions of ever contacting her again.

[screwedovertwenty]

Also, please, even if the feeling comes back to make yet another point to her, just don't, refrain. The more contact you have with her, the more she will actually THINK that all this meant more than your husband says it did.

 

If she was truly that insignifcant, she should not warrant more effort on either yours or your husband's part!

 

I wont be making contact again. Over the months I have written her letters that I have never sent. I got the answers I needed and said what I needed to say. I am done with her and hopefully my subconscious is too!

[screwedovertwenty]

Whilst this is fine and totally understandable in the months and very early years after dday, this is not a healthy way to be long term. If you feel the need to watch him years down the line then you have not managed to rebuild and reconcile. It will just make you both miserable.

 

In the beginning, I would sit by my computer and monitor him all day from gps. I would know when he walked outside at work and when he was inside. I set up almost a hundred schedule checks on family map for him in the beginning so that I would know even if I wasn't at the computer. Those schedule checks are still there and I still get those notifications when he is not where he is supposed to be. The funny thing is, he is usually with me when I get the text message saying he isn't where he is supposed to be. His work schedule changed and I never took some of those checks out. For the first few months, I stared at the phone activity waiting for something to happen. I questioned every call he made. Now, I might look at the phone records every couple weeks.

 

So, while I still keep tabs on him, I am not obsessed with it as I was for the first few months.

[screwedovertwenty]

SO20.....I get it.

 

You needed confirmation he was telling the truth and he was! that IS a comfort.

 

You kindly worried she was hurt in all of this. I did too! And if she was, I was the last person she would ever admit it too....arrogant, nasty, contemptuous.

 

Sigh! All my kindness wasted for so long.

 

Your OW pulled the younger, prettier card. PULLEAZE. How shallow.

 

Thank you for getting me!

[screwedovertwenty]

Not only did you open up NC but you didn't accept a mild and calm response asking for it to stop. You come across as baiting her for reactions when she didn't apologize. I hate to say it but I agree with the others that this smacks of insecurity and that's probably how she saw it too.

 

I hope you got what you needed out of it but I also hope it didn't open things up that would have been better left closed.

 

I did get what I needed and honestly I do not care how she see's me now. She apparently thought I was some old hag anyhow.

[screwedovertwenty]

I understand your reasoning for wanting to do this. You wanted to confirm that H was telling the truth and for your H to present a united front with you in taking a stand against OW. I'm glad it seems to have helped you feel more peace. I'm assuming you've probably wanted to give OW a piece of your mind for awhile now.

 

Now that you've received a bit of closure and a release from some of your anger, leave the OW alone. She's not going to feel remorse and she really isn't important to your marriage anyway. Don't make her feel like a factor when she's a non factor to your relationship.

 

Yes, I have wanted to give her a piece of my mind for a long time. She was downright nasty to me and I never did a darn thing to her, unless you count getting married to my husband when she was 8. I really did hope that the things she said before were things she had regret for. She has no regrets and I said what I needed to say and I have nothing left to say to her!

[screwedovertwenty]

Just that you contacted her, that you felt her important enough for you to act out, investing much time in premeditation for the contact and in the contact itself clearly indicates that she dwells inside of you, gleefully pulling strings to control you like a helpless rag-doll. If she has any vision at all she will see this and know, that no matter how the conversation went, she owns you and now that you were all nasty with her she may be taking pleasure in knowing how her selfishness in doing whatever she wanted to with your husband is still pushing your buttons.

 

The solution is to come to an understanding that the situation exists only in your mind, then choose to be ok with it as well as all the other uncomfortable aspects of your life. There will be pain and sorrow in our lives. Best we can do is find comfort in helping others find comfort. Spreading discomfort will always come back to us one way or another. You might feel good in the short term, but you have acted the smaller person and this is the person that you bring into your future.

 

Yes, she has been under my skin for a long time now. She has been invading my dreams and my thoughts for nine months. I have always been the bigger person. I have always been a "do unto others" kind of girls. This time though, I realized that being the good and better person wasn't making me feel better. Understanding her for who she is and saying what I truly felt made me feel better.

[screwedovertwenty]

I am a FOW (and a BS) - you say it's been 9 months since there was any contact? If my XMM's BS called me I would definitely be questioning WHY at that point? I understand there are probably unanswered questions, but here is thing:

 

If you are reconciling you have to make a choice to trust. If you go to her you take the chance that she will contradict what your husband is saying and then you have to choose who to believe - how does that do you any good?

 

I did sit down with XMM"s wife right after the second DDay - partly because we were friends and I felt like I owed her that. She called me and wanted to meet. She said at the time she didn't know why, except that she wanted to see me. I answered her questions honestly. Afterwards, while I was in LC with XMM (she didn't know it) she apparently wanted to ask me more questions and He convinced her not to contact me again and she never did.

 

I believe he has been less than honest with her, but that's her problem now, not mine.

 

I hope you feel that you have resolved a few things by your interaction with her, but I don't think much good can come from a situation like that. I also believe (just because of my own experience with my XMM and my husband) that they protect their own A**. No one will convince me otherwise because I have been on both sides and seen it. I will never believe that anyone involved in an affair will completely and honestly disclose everything. But that's my opinion and my experience.

 

I do not know how to trust him yet. I do not know if that will ever come back. He is definitely trying but I do not have it in me to believe him yet. As far as the OW goes, I do not give a crap what she thinks of me now. She can think I am an ugly old insecure hag for all I care. It no longer matters.

[screwedovertwenty]

And that's the part that I don't understand.

 

screwedovertwenty, you contacted someone you describe as a "pathetic, shallow hole of a human being" . So you're comparing feedback and recollections from someone you don't trust with that of someone you do? I don't see the end game...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I did not realize that she was so pathetic until this communication, so I got what I needed from it. I do not trust either one of them. They both have the same story so I think that means he has been telling me the truth. I may be one step closer to trusting him again.