meagan Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 My BF and I have been together for nearly 2 years and I'm pregnant. Before I got pregnant we planned to go to Cuba, Mexico or Dominican or the cheaper route, drive to Orlando, with some friends. It hasn't been paid for though, just talked about. But now that I'm pregnant I don't feel comfortable leaving the country (Canada), especially because they want to go around April and I'm due May 4. But my boyfriend still wants to go without me. He says "It'll only be for a few days to a week" but I don't think it's fair that they are all going without me (I don't care if friends go, just not my BF) and what if I go into early labour and he's thousands of kilometers away? He'll be off having a great time on the trip that WE (mostly I) planned while I'm home alone during the most uncomfortable part of the pregnancy. Am I over reacting?
darkmoon Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) it is fair, sort of, because he must have been looking forward to the trip, babies are adorable, congratulations, tricky for the stayer-at-home, but he wants to go on the trip ask a female to help there are horror stories of men at births, who are unable to screw the new mom, the births so turned them off Edited September 2, 2013 by darkmoon
crederer Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I don't think it's all that bad. Can they move the date up earlier? Are you worried he'll mess around? I don't really see the problem. I doubt he'd mess around since he's going to be with your friends.
Author meagan Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) The pregnancy was a surprise to BOTH of us but we are both fine with it. And FYI he is committed to me. If he wasn't he wouldn't be with me. Weddings are expensive, we are waiting to save money. He wants to be out of dept before we get married. We've talked about it a lot and plan for it in a year or two. Yes he was looking forward to the trip but so was I. I don't get to go because I have to be safe for OUR baby so why does he get to go? Why can't he save money and we go later on? I don't have anyone who can help me while he is gone. And if he isn't there for the labour that is going to be a huge issue for me. To me that isn't fair. I'll need him there and want him there. The birth of his child should be more important than a trip. The due date is later but the baby could come earlier. If he isn't there, probably no one will be. They don't want to move up the date because they all have to fit it in with classes and work. They don't want to go on a main break because it will be too busy and they don't want to go earlier because it won't be as warm. He won't mess around. I'm not worried about that all at. Edited September 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
AMusing Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 If he is in a serious, committed relationship with you, I think it is pretty awful of him to go so soon before your due date. Maybe if he could push the trip a few months earlier? But as is, I'd find it very inconsiderate of him to go on that trip. It's not about worrying he'll cheat (I hope & assume); it's that you are going to be very uncomfortable, hormonal, and needing of support at that point. For him to leave you so he can have fun doesn't bode well for your relationship. I'd be upset, too. 8
Author meagan Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 If he is in a serious, committed relationship with you, I think it is pretty awful of him to go so soon before your due date. Maybe if he could push the trip a few months earlier? But as is, I'd find it very inconsiderate of him to go on that trip. It's not about worrying he'll cheat (I hope & assume); it's that you are going to be very uncomfortable, hormonal, and needing of support at that point. For him to leave you so he can have fun doesn't bode well for your relationship. I'd be upset, too. This exactly.
KatZee Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 OP you've defended this guy up and down how he's so committed but this is the same guy who could care less about you and the stage of pregnancy you're going to be in when he goes away on this trip. He'd rather be away with his buddies than at home awaiting the arrival of his baby. He's got a child on the way. It's about time he wakes up, grows up and realizes the situation he's in. I don't think it bodes well for the relationship at all either, it shows where his mindset is, and what his priorities are. 1
veggirl Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Pretty ****ed up he wants to go on a trip in April when you are due very early May and could very well go into labor while he is gone. Not to mention, Canada even to Orlando is an expensive trip to stay for a week w/ hotels and whatnot, he should be saving that money for baby expenses or to pay the debts you mentioned. I get it trips are fun and he wants to go but he is about to be a dad, his priority is wackkkk. 5
nescafe1982 Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 1) In theory, I would not be opposed to a BF taking a vacation with a group of friends without me, even if I'd planned to go but couldn't as the time approached, BUT 2) Pregnancy is a different matter entirely. If there is a chance he will miss the labor and delivery if he goes, he absolutely should NOT go on vacation far away. He should either change his plans to stay near while you get ready to deliver, or move the vacation up a few weeks to reduce the likelihood of him being gone when baby comes. I can't believe some folks are talking about how he has every right to go. If the baby is his (I'm assuming it is his), he should be there for the birth, the homecoming, and to help care for that kid! His party-time is over for the next little while, married or not. OP tell him to move the date or T.S. Just my opinion.
CC12 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I don't think you're overreacting. I think it would be extremely ****ty of him to go without you. If you couldn't go because of work or other personal commitments that have nothing to do with him, then I'd think you were being a little controlling and a killjoy. But you're pregnant, ffs. Does he even have a good argument for continuing with the trip? Like, are there non-refundable deposits made, or something? Or is his reasoning just "I want to go on a fun trip"?
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 If he is in a serious, committed relationship with you, I think it is pretty awful of him to go so soon before your due date. Maybe if he could push the trip a few months earlier? But as is, I'd find it very inconsiderate of him to go on that trip. It's not about worrying he'll cheat (I hope & assume); it's that you are going to be very uncomfortable, hormonal, and needing of support at that point. For him to leave you so he can have fun doesn't bode well for your relationship. I'd be upset, too. Typical response you were waiting for. Did you tell him you'd have him by the balls once he got you "surprise" pregnant? most guys are a little dense in the fact that they'd have to change their whole lives to revolve around you, they just kind of assume you'll pop out the baby by yourself and kind of do most of the work since it's your body. They think they'll still have their "freedom" and maneuverability in the relationship to come and go as he pleases...this is where men get the "reality" of the circumstances, and that's when they can find out they bit off a bit more than they'd like to chew...that it's not just one thing that is changing, but their whole expectations for them as a whole is being upped a few notches...you expect him to be there and supportive and all of that, and for many men it's a burden and overwhelming sense of responsibility like a second job...of course you think he should "want" to do those things on his own, but chances are unless he's full matured, responsible and aware some or a lot of things are going to go right over his head and in the end he just might not feel the same way...its only a 2 year relationship, which some think it's long but the real relationship begins year 3 or 4 IMO because that's when the gloves are off and it's much more transparent of who you are dealing with as a whole person and then it can get a bit rough. But anyway, instead of speaking in general form I don't know the stability of this relationship or what the situation is, he might just feel like going and getting a break...and men don't necessarily (the independent ones) need to have you attached to their hip whenever they do something "fun"...after you have this baby I'm sure the responsibilities are going to go up quite a bit and those future plans are likely going to be on the back burner for some time...while you cannot go he might need sort of a break to unwind depending on the circumstances of the relationship. However, being so close to the delivery date....I personally wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the country, it would just give me an anxiety and worry about what might happen when I'm gone...I wouldn't leave so close to the due date, I don't see how much I could truly relax...so maybe in his case he is also not thinking this through, it's common for men....you need to have a conversation with him about this, it's absolutely important you have much better communication than this if you're going to have a baby...that is the most worrisome thing to me about this relationship, that you're pregnant and having a baby with this guy but you can't work this minor out with ease....it leads me to believe what is actually the condition of this relationship, where his head is at and whether this really was a "trap" so to speak....pregnancies don't happen by "accident" IMO as people like to claim to be, If you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. Two years in and this guy doesn't sound to be in the right state of mind, and you have these expectations he should meet...sounds typical to me, poor communication and not on the same page....."surprise"! He doesn't really need an argument or excuse, this was never talked about...he has the "right" to bring it up, even if it seems "irresponsible" or is....relationships are based off communication and compromise, not rules.
Faith13/2 Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 My BF and I have been together for nearly 2 years and I'm pregnant. Before I got pregnant we planned to go to Cuba, Mexico or Dominican or the cheaper route, drive to Orlando, with some friends. It hasn't been paid for though, just talked about. But now that I'm pregnant I don't feel comfortable leaving the country (Canada), especially because they want to go around April and I'm due May 4. But my boyfriend still wants to go without me. He says "It'll only be for a few days to a week" but I don't think it's fair that they are all going without me (I don't care if friends go, just not my BF) and what if I go into early labour and he's thousands of kilometers away? He'll be off having a great time on the trip that WE (mostly I) planned while I'm home alone during the most uncomfortable part of the pregnancy. Am I over reacting? Is there anyway to take the trip sooner? I understand not wanting to travel so late and I also understand why him going without you would bother you. You mentioned waiting to take the trip later, but what you should consider is a kid takes a lot of work. Assuming this is your first child you are not going to want to leave the baby anytime soon at least not for to long. It also becomes a little harder financially once you have a child, babies are expensive as I'm sure you know.. If there's anyway for you two(and friends) to take the trip sooner it could be a good idea. It will also give you time to get away and be spontaneous before the baby arrives and your motherly duties kick in..
pyramid Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 If you are due May 4, that means you just found out within the last few days. I think you guys should table the issue for a few weeks while this sinks in a little more for him.
kaylan Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 If he is in a serious, committed relationship with you, I think it is pretty awful of him to go so soon before your due date. Maybe if he could push the trip a few months earlier? But as is, I'd find it very inconsiderate of him to go on that trip. It's not about worrying he'll cheat (I hope & assume); it's that you are going to be very uncomfortable, hormonal, and needing of support at that point. For him to leave you so he can have fun doesn't bode well for your relationship. I'd be upset, too. Gonna have to kinda agree with this. If the trip isnt paid for yet, I dont see why why it cant be pushed up earlier. Or at worse pushed back until a few months after the baby is born. But at the same time hes been planning this and looking forward to it....so its a toughie.
Grumpybutfun Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Hi Meagan: Congrats on your good news about the impending arrival. Can you sit down with him and explain that you feel alone and are worried that he will miss the birth? Can you tell him how much it will mean if he accepts that this is a partnership and that you do not feel you should have to do things alone if the baby comes while he is gone? Also, is he aware of how much that money for the trip will be needed once the child comes as children are very expensive? I am a man and I am still trying to figure out why any father would not want to be there for the possible birth of their child, or save money for the childcare and expenses after the birth. Perhaps he isn't aware of what is to come with a child and perhaps he is not thinking of you in this instance. I hope this doesn't reflect the type of father he will be or husband, for that matter. Good luck, and I hope you know that you have a right to want the father to be invested in this new life. Grumps 3
Els Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 OP, I'd be really worried about the priorities of this would-be-dad. This sort of behaviour would be okay for a college student in a carefree R - not so okay for someone who's going to be a dad. If you can't sit down with him and work out a compromise on this, I'd be very worried about how things work out with raising and caring for your child. Will he be wanting to take off on a trip if you fall ill and your 6-month-old baby needs feeding and caring for, too? 2
Trimmer Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) His party-time is over for the next little while, married or not. Heh - if, by "little while" you mean 20-ish years, yes. If you are due May 4, that means you just found out within the last few days. I think you guys should table the issue for a few weeks while this sinks in a little more for him. I think this is an important point (and props for the math sensibilities...) This whole thing must be very new to both of you, and from your comments about classes and work and taking the trip "on break", it sounds like you and your peers are relatively young. Together with the fact that this was an unplanned pregnancy, that means that this young father-to-be has probably never become educated about the details of late-stage pregnancy and the birthing process, and has never seen himself as a father or considered himself in that light. Hold that thought for a sec. My question, which I don't think you've covered in detail: have you yet talked to him, specifically and in detail, about your concerns? Or has the situation just been left hanging that you have said you can't go, and you can't figure out why he doesn't "get it" and offer to stay? Is it possible that he really doesn't "get it", in the sense that he's young and inexperienced, and he may not really understand the full landscape of pregnancy and all that's involved? There are all thsese things that are obvious to those of us with more experience that we take for granted: due date estimates are not precise in the first place; a birth (back when my kids were born anyway) is considered effectively "full term" if it occurs any time after 37 weeks, a full 2 weeks before the 39 week due date, and it's not terribly unusual for birth to happen even earlier than that, etc... In other words, is he just naive, figuring that the due date is pretty much guaranteed, and that he'll go on a quick trip and be right back in time for the birth, so no big deal? If so, he may need to start educating himself about how this stuff works. On the other hand, if you've had a serious discussion with him and he understands all of this, and yet still wants to go on a long trip just a couple weeks before your due date, then yes, I think he's lacking some sense. But if he's simply young and dumb and naive, and you're expecting him to just magically "get it", learn the details of pregnancy out of thin air, and read your mind about your expectations, then I think you all have some teaching, learning, and communicating to do, before you can conclude whether he's an insensitive lout, or just a naive, inexperienced, clueless father-to-be. So what ground have you covered in your discussions with him on this issue? Edited September 4, 2013 by Trimmer 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Oh hell no. If I was to get surprise pregnant and my man even MENTIONED going on the vacation with friends we had planned TOGETHER without me?... All hell would break loose. It is called being a grown up. That money should be going to more important things now. Not to mention, I fully believe any man should treat his pregnant wife as if she is a ****ing queen. Yes, I do believe that, and thank goodness, I have a man who agrees with me.
Recommended Posts