Is my Ex using me?

[Dundas]

Okay, long story short: Me and my ex-girlfriend dated for about 2 years in High school and nearly another year after graduating. We both work as home health aides in the same house, a job started while dating. I was totally in love, found "the one", yada yada yada. Then 5 months ago we started hanging out with her brother and all his high school friends.

 

She started seeing one of them (didn't see it coming) she didn't cheat on me physically but everyone saw it coming but me. Anyhow, she dumped me after a couple weeks, immediately started dating hm. I kept begging for a second chance for about a month or 2, I'm pretty sure her, Mr. Rebound and all their friends made fun of me for it. I learned to let go, a few months later when things cooled down, we started to make up (just talking as friends at work) It brings me closure. I pretty much forgave her and we talked a lot.

 

I thought I was over it, but now I'm suddenly feeling angry, lonely, bitter and used. I've taken a total of three or four of her 18 hour shifts now just so she could hang out with her boyfriend, I've let her borrow $50 so she could buy a phone card when she was out of money due to her car breaking down (still haven't gotten it back). She's also called me out of the blue asking to buy my other car, although I'd already sold it. I'm realizing now that she only comes to me when she needs something and she gets it because she knows I still care.

 

I've been so stressed out now that I've started college full-time, work full-time, and I'm still single and have nearly no social life. Plus I just worked my 10 hour shift on top of her 18 hour shift after a busy week of school and work so she could go to an amusement park with her boyfriend, brother and their friends (Facebook stalking her and seeing a picture of her and him kissing beside a rollercoaster sure made me happy). I have no desire to be with her anymore after what she put me through, but deep down I know I still love her.

 

Do you think I'm just being used, and should I bring it up to her? I'm tired of being nice and I feel like I've been kissing her a** when I get nothing out of it, then again I don't want to come off as angry and jealous, even though that's what I'm feeling inside. Just need a third-person perspective, lol.

Edited September 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Heart of the Desert]

She is probably taking your willingness to keep on giving for granted. But you are letting her do it so you cannot blame her. You don't have to blame yourself either, but your pain is a good indication that it is time to reflect. Cut off ties completely with here and start to reflect on the subconscious impulses you have that allow you to keep treating yourself this way. You can go as deep as you want to. You will probably find a lot of issues you can work on. We cannot expect others to respect us until we know how to respect ourselves. We cannot expect others to meet our needs until we know how to care for our needs ourselves.

Might I recommend a book "How to be an Adult in Relationships" by David Richo. It mixes developmental psychology with Jungian psychology and traditional Buddhism. Not everything in the book may ring true for you but I guarantee that there are things in it that will shed some insight into your behaviours and help with some serious reflection on the way you help create your relationship dynamics.

[Dundas]

Also, before anyone else comments, she isn't a horrible person. We had a great relationship together and being with her was probably the best 2.5+ years of my life. That's why it's been so hard trying to figure out why she'd done this to me. I also work with her father and her family, except maybe one person, has been very nice to me, even though I don't talk to them much. She lives with a family member other than her father, and from what I've heard, this person took my side and let her know she did me wrong. She doesn't talk to any of my family members, although I have stood up for her against my own cousin who wanted to bad-mouth her. I do want to keep some type of friendship because I would hate to lose that- we were always best friends when we were together. I'm just feeling hurt and used, and I think I should bring it up to her, but maybe in a nice way, although not as nice as I have been.

[Dundas]

She is probably taking your willingness to keep on giving for granted. But you are letting her do it so you cannot blame her. You don't have to blame yourself either, but your pain is a good indication that it is time to reflect.

 

You're definitely right. I never stand up for myself and I'm always letting myself be a doormat.

[Heart of the Desert]

Look homie, it is reasonable to want to maintain a friendship, but now is not the time. Not while you are feeling hurt and used. You need to take the space and time to move on and heal. You need to build a life away from what happened between you two. I know it is complicated because you work for her family. You may want to consider finding other work. Or if you have a good thing going with them find ways to keep contact wit her to the barest of bare minium and only discuss work related things. Do not go covering her shifts willy nilly so she can hang out with the dude she left you for. You do not need to defend her say she is a good person. We left you for someone else, makes fun of you with her friends, and uses you to carry her work load. Cut ties with her and move on. It might mean losing your job but you have got to take care of yourself. No ifs ands or buts.

[Heart of the Desert]

If you feel like there is something you must absolutly say to her one last time, say it once and for all. Then move on. There is only so much you can heal with the person, the rest you must heal on your own. Don't keep going back to her uncaring behaviour. The truth is she hasn't been very friendly, now has she? So why try to force a friendship when you are feeling hurt and used. You cannot expect her to change at all, but you can work on changing yourself. Afterall, you are the one who keeps allowing her to treat you this way. Be done, you deserve better.

Edited September 2, 2013 by Heart of the Desert