what do I do now?

[3rdone]

I was dating this amazing girl and things started off very nicely. She immediately wanted a second date, third date, etc… She would text me good morning and vice versa. She actually told me when we started dating that a woman likes being pursued. I’m not use to that, not being cocky but I have never had to make a huge effort to go out with a girl. Anyway, our text begin to slow down but we were still hanging out pretty regulary.

She went out of town recently and I offered to take her to the airport. Everything was great we kissed pretty extensively enough to know this is not a thank you kiss.

Well I didn’t want to smother her while she was with her friends on her trip….kept the texting to a minimum. I offered to pick her up from the airport and she said I think I’m ok my girlfriend left her car at the airport I was just going to get her to take me home. Cool…reasonable t

Don’t hear from her when she gets back. The next day she text me saying she’s back at work and I’m already tired. I texted her back saying I just thru with some meetings….then silence for two days. Neither one of us texted or called.

Fast forward, we run into each other at a bar and I don’t want to seem needy so I don’t walk over to her. Within 10 minutes she walks across the bar/restaurant and ask me why I didn’t come say hi. The idiot guy syndrome kicks in and I act like I’m unphased that we haven’t talked. She asked me several times if I was “above it” and I said I haven’t heard from you in 2 days. She says all you had to do was pick up the phone and call. I sighed and she walked off. I knew I messed up IMMEDIATELY.

The next day I ask if we could talk. She texted me back an hour later saying “sure”. I asked if she had a busy night (Friday night), she said no. I was on my way to a food truck my friend owns by then and told her I would like to come by as soon as I’m done around 9. She then says I’m not going to be home call me later. Then it evolved into tonight’s not good I’ll call you tomorrow…I was like what, you just said you didn’t have a busy night.

The next day no call, so I hate wondering so I just ask, “did I mess things up with you?” She says…”we can definitely be friends. I just think we approach relationships different and that’s ok. That’s why you date.” BOOM

I let it sink in before I respond at this point. I texted her the next night and tell her that I was just confused on her interest level, whether she wanted me to call and that my actions at the bar were uncalled for and I immediately regretted it and that I was miserable thinking I screwed things up and that I didn’t expect to change her mind thru a text but that I wanted to explain myself and say I’m sorry…

Her response an hour later… “I know it takes a lot to be completely honest and vulnerable…no need to apologize. But thank you very much for the explanation very much and for being you. That means a lot.

Where do I go from here? Over, pursue, forget it. I know I didn’t change her mind in 24 hours

[xpaperxcutx]

You messed up. First with the bar situation then by offering to see her late at night making her think she's a booty call.

 

You hardly put in any effort in actually taking her out on a real date and neither are you initiating any sort of actions that indicate you wish to pursue something serious with her.

 

This girl has a good head on her shoulders and she's definitely not looking to play any games.

[HappyLove]

Sounds like she thought you 2 weren't a good match because you were being petty. If you didn't hear from her in 2 days you really could have just picked up the phone, then you ignore her when you saw her out...sounds childish. But sounds like she may be willing to give you another chance. Her response seems mature to me how about stop the stupid texting crap give her a call and invite her out for dinner. If she says no then leave her alone. And stop with the tit for tat type crap.

[3rdone]

thanks..I know I was stupid at the bar. As for making an effort, we've gone out on numerous dates so I'm sorry if that didn't come thru clear. I was always asking if she wanted to do this or that. I knew I had to bring it with her.

 

The initial drop off started with her but I kept it going so to speak. If I asked her to do something, I rarely got a no. I just thought honestly that maybe just maybe, I was smothering her...so I backed off. Then it went to us not talking at all. If it were my choice I would have seen her everyday...I wasn't trying to play games

[3rdone]

You messed up. First with the bar situation then by offering to see her late at night making her think she's a booty call.

 

You hardly put in any effort in actually taking her out on a real date and neither are you initiating any sort of actions that indicate you wish to pursue something serious with her.

 

This girl has a good head on her shoulders and she's definitely not looking to play any games.

 

I admitted as much, but it wasn't late night, nor was it a booty call. The offer was to TALK around 9 after I visited my friends food truck. I was already in route when she finally got around to texting me back. We had been dating for a month...plenty of dates, cooking for her at her place, my place etc...not once was I an ass and try to take advantage of her, nor would I.

[3rdone]

Sounds like she thought you 2 weren't a good match because you were being petty. If you didn't hear from her in 2 days you really could have just picked up the phone, then you ignore her when you saw her out...sounds childish. But sounds like she may be willing to give you another chance. Her response seems mature to me how about stop the stupid texting crap give her a call and invite her out for dinner. If she says no then leave her alone. And stop with the tit for tat type crap.

 

ok...should I give her a cooling off period before I call and ask her out for dinner? All of this happened over the past 2 days...

 

Does this come off as needy? I really like her and want to right the ship

, but is it too far gone with the "We can definitely be friends comment"?

 

Maybe it's wishful thinking, but her response when I apologized for my actions wasn't as negative as I expected and she didn't reiterate the "lets be friends" aspect. I haven't had feelings this strong for someone like this is a long time...15 yrs to be exact

 

So I guess my mistakes are largely due to nervousness, scared to mess up, rusty, etc..

Edited September 2, 2013 by 3rdone

[Versacehottie]

ok...should I give her a cooling off period before I call and ask her out for dinner? All of this happened over the past 2 days...

 

Maybe it's wishful thinking, but her response when I apologized for my actions wasn't as negative as I expected and she didn't reiterate the "lets be friends" aspect.

 

 

Yes, give it a cooling off period. I don't know if being as direct as asking out for dinner will work. I think you are going to have to get back in there over time with smaller things. Like arranging to "bump into her" and then being cool and flirtatious. You just have to start off slow and more subtle and gauge her interest. Cause her interest to grow through your own good actions. Then after that has gone on a while, think you can hang out or go to dinner, it just will be the next logical step. I AGREE with you--the fact that she didn't reiterate the "let's be friends" is a positive sign. She is going to be evaluating everything you show her over next interactions (you are kinda at square one), so be on your best behavior. Best behavior means nice, flirty and confident (not too sappy). Be the kind of guy that makes her wonder if she made the right decision and that she would want to date. Your actions were confusing to her. She sounds like a cool girl so hopefully you can fix this. Good luck!

[3rdone]

Yes, give it a cooling off period. I don't know if being as direct as asking out for dinner will work. I think you are going to have to get back in there over time with smaller things. Like arranging to "bump into her" and then being cool and flirtatious. You just have to start off slow and more subtle and gauge her interest. Cause her interest to grow through your own good actions. Then after that has gone on a while, think you can hang out or go to dinner, it just will be the next logical step. I AGREE with you--the fact that she didn't reiterate the "let's be friends" is a positive sign. She is going to be evaluating everything you show her over next interactions (you are kinda at square one), so be on your best behavior. Best behavior means nice, flirty and confident (not too sappy). Be the kind of guy that makes her wonder if she made the right decision and that she would want to date. Your actions were confusing to her. She sounds like a cool girl so hopefully you can fix this. Good luck!

 

Ok...it's good to get a different perspective...someone from the outside looking in. I'm too deep in to see the forest thru the trees.

 

So do I do no contact for a week, two weeks? Do I wait to see if she contacts me? if I have any shot in hell at ever getting a 2nd chance...I can't screw it up...any feedback would be great...

 

LADIES PLEASE CHIME IN

[Versacehottie]

ok, here's what i think: obviously it's best/easiest if she contacts you at this point because that will be a clear sign to move forward. If she contacts you (text or phone), try to keep the convo going to move toward anything in where it will be normal to say "let's do that together/let's hang out". In the meantime, as you said you have run into her at a bar, that must be a common enough thing that you can run into her again. You're going to have to make this option seem as natural as possible and when you do run into her be super charming not stalkerish. Be as surprised as she is. Be complimentary, like a bit in awe of her but not too aggressive. Let her give you tons of signs if you try to arrange a date with her as a result of this encounter....otherwise plant seeds, such as things you can do in future, "so great to see you, miss your smile (or smtg particular to her), plant seeds that are of a friend nature too, like something you have done/seen recently that would be of interest to her that you can text or send her an email her about when you get home+are near the info. This is where you have to use the information you have gathered in the previous month of dating and think of things that would be of interest to her and use them to your advantage. If bumping into her isn't possible or it is taking too long to make happen, you can do the same through text or email--but these ones have to have the most friend vibe to them and see if/how she responds, so you can take the next step. Like what are some things she likes or that were mutual interests of yours or inside jokes between the two of you? Those are the types of things. God, I hope you were paying attention this last month. LOL

[3rdone]

oh yeah...I paid attention. We have a long history kinda cute actually...I was her camp coach when she was 13 and I was 19. Obviously I didn't think anything other than another kid at camp. Fast-forward 10 years later and she bumps into me at work (what are the odds we end up working for the same company)and ask me if I coached before and boom! we laughed about her being in my camp once upon a time...she ended up leaving the company and so did I.

 

We bumped into each other out and about over the next 10 years (VERY RARE maybe once or twice every few years honestly) and it just so happens that we were both single this last time we met, and SHE actually said we should go out...yada, yada, yada... here I am a month later wondering what I did wrong and why...crazy

 

so I've known of her for about 20 years...funny thing is when I ran into her at work 10 years ago, I instantly remembered who she was and her I.

 

Never thought I'd have a chance to date her...now I don't know if I'll get another...funny how things turn out

[3rdone]

So I should wait for her to contact me

 

or

 

Wait until I run into her

 

and do not call or contact her...looks too desperate..correct?

 

What is an decent cooling off period for a woman to "think" that maybe I should give him a call/text even if it IS just a friend tip...

[Versacehottie]

So I should wait for her to contact me

 

or

 

Wait until I run into her

 

and do not call or contact her...looks too desperate..correct?

 

What is an decent cooling off period for a woman to "think" that maybe I should give him a call/text even if it IS just a friend tip...

 

well, i would suggest a multi-pronged approach if, as you say, you really like her and think she is someone special. You should: HOPE she contacts you and wait for that. You should also: be figuring out logistically how to up your chances of running into her. You should also: be on lookout for things that you could email or text her about that come up organically and genuinely but ARE a way to stay in touch....don't force these...they have to be real, even if the notion that you are staying in touch with her really isn't. For example, since you have shared history about the camp--you could text her if you ran into another former camp person--even though the who the F cares really but still it's a way to be in touch. You have to look for ways. Obviously, the ones that are more concrete are better. When you text, try to be "open-ended", ie things that would require a response or keep the conversation flowing. Be charming, a bit flirty. This is perhaps the "work" that you say you never put in bc you are cocky with most dating situations.

 

As far as when she might reach out to you, there really is NO telling. I like to be optimistic. I believe you when you "heard" that not saying the second time 'let's be friends" that there is really something to that. It sounds like when you explained more in detail with her that you made some headway. However, there is no guarantee that she won't still proceed down the path that you two really shouldn't date anymore. I think one of the big misconceptions in dating is that each person knows what the ENDGAME will be. I usually think both parties are figuring it out as they go. So, for example, if in anger and annoyance, she said she just thought you two should be friends but entertained your explanation that gives me hope that she would be open to dating you again. I say that because if I was fed up then I would obviously read your text explanation but not reply to it. In addition, she replied in a mature, more neutral ground, which is good. All sounded pretty good before the night you made her mad. The only part that I would be a bit worried about is that you said texting slowed down right before the incident happened. Be honest with yourself about that and about possible reasons. Without being paranoid, if you honestly believe that she could have started to doubt the relationship and then this incident happened, there may not be much you can do because that may have just been the final straw. I'm just going to take an educated guess of about a month though. If I were in her shoes, i would make contact within the month otherwise realize there's a good chance you would be moving on. But people are widely different on this. All depends on how busy her life is, what type of city you live in, where she is in her life, what else is going on in her dating life, etc. So better to be proactive in the ways you can be, then to depend on her to be. Plus 100% believer in guys should pursue the girl....You just have to adjust HOW in light of your current situation.

[AngelKing001]

Ok man, Just declare yourself to her. Meet up at a restaurant or a place with a romantic view. Tell her you love her and that you want her in your life, get engaged to, have kids with etc etc... She likes you man, women just have a crazy way of showing it. In fact, she´s so in love with you that at the bar she couldnt bear the fact that you didnt go over to her... Good luck!

[3rdone]

thanks all....that was some really good info. Not sure if you're just stroking my ego, but hey it was a pick-me -upper. Yeah I haven't felt this strongly about a woman in a long time. I guess it's a waiting game at this point.

 

That evening keeps playing over and over in my head, and I can't help but think that if I would have changed one sentence when she walked up to me, I wouldn't even be here. Stupid guy! ugh...

 

I guess that's the part that frustrates me....MY STUPID PRIDE!!!

 

(Swallowed pride with a glass of scotch last night)

[3rdone]

Ok man, Just declare yourself to her. Meet up at a restaurant or a place with a romantic view. Tell her you love her and that you want her in your life, get engaged to, have kids with etc etc... She likes you man, women just have a crazy way of showing it. In fact, she´s so in love with you that at the bar she couldnt bear the fact that you didnt go over to her... Good luck!

 

Would flowers in about a week or two be too much... Something along the lines of "...I miss you, and those freckles" (inside joke)

[3rdone]

Well here's an update...I sent her a text a couple of days ago saying...

"I don't need/want a response. I just want to say something. I want a second chance with you. As the saying goes you don't know what you don't know, so I'm saying it. Take care.

 

2 days later this morning at 8am for crying out loud I get this from her...

" Hey there Tom (not my real name lol) thanks for saying something. And I truly hope we can be friends. U take care and have an awesome day."

 

WTF??? Maybe it's just me, but there are sooo many mixed signals in that. Maybe because I know her and her ways/lingo. But from the outside what do you think??

 

first I didn't want or even think I would get a response

 

Second...2 days later to send that???

[white]

There's no mixed signal. She's not interested. Sorry. At least she's kind enough to respond to say so, if two days late. That puts her above three quarters of women in my experience, who either cut off dead or make lame excuses indefinitely because they don't have the sack to say no. This is a no.

[3rdone]

well Im not going to be friends with her...too much feelings there for that...do I respond and say as much

[HappyLove]

It's now time to walk away with your pride. You tried, she is not interested.

DO. NOT.CONTACT. Leave it alone its done. She'll have more respect if you leave her be, maybe she'll even rethink and contact you in future. But for right now you need to move on.