Post your recovery stories

[Kitchen]

I'm at a pretty damn low point. Was broken up with a gf but we were still very much into each other, but because we were both immature and had big egos, we never got back together. However, we acted just like a couple throughout after our breakup, until she found someone new. She just went into a new relationship and was cheating on her bf with me for a bit, before guilt caught up to her and now doesn't even talk to me anymore and ignores my calls/texts. She was my best friend and first love. And it seems like I went from 120mph to 0 overnight. We went from talking all the time to her ignoring me. I did NC for a couple of weeks but it was hard and then I fell back off the wagon. I did a lot of begging, pleading, and even let her know that I lost weight because of this. Yes, I'm pathetic. Now she ignores me and everything I say. I showed up to her house today with her favorite chocolate but she didn't open the door, so I left it in her mailbox. Afterwards I sent her a million texts saying how it really stung that she just ignored me like that.

 

So, I don't need any yelling from you guys for being such a pathetic loser. I know I am. But I want some hope for the future. I've never felt this sad, angry, and worthless in my life. My self-esteem needs life support right now, and I am afraid of going into a downward spiral. So it would be nice to hear recovery stories from those of you who have been to as low of a point as I am now. Recovery can be anything whether it be getting your ex-gf back, or having her want you back, or finding someone better, or simply being much happier again, from such a terrible place like I am in now.

 

Thanks

[TheBestisYettoCome]

You've got 2 choices:

1. Put your life on hold and pine over her. In the process, you will try to create some version of yourself that you believe she wanted and lose yourself.

 

2. Decide that the fear you feel over this loss is temporary and can be one of, if not THE, most motivating opportunities of your life.

 

You've come to the fork in the road. I chose to let the pain and fear and anxiety hold me for a month or two, but I decided to reach out to people and tell them what I was going through. In that process, I not only found myself again, I figured out that all of my pain was nothing more than my need to be validated by something outside of myself. These experiences are evolutionary. I liken the process that I went through to boot camp. In the military, who you are and what you arrive as are completely torn to shreds and you are rebuilt as a version of yourself that is disciplined, fierce, and ultimately of higher quality.

 

Question yourself, what you believe in, what your life's work is, who you want to be, because right now, today, you have been torn to shreds. What becomes of you is simple. Use the opportunity to become exactly what you believe is the best possible version of yourself or scatter yourself into the wind. Volunteer, call people you haven't in a long time, look at your body and decide that the gift you've been given, that you've probably taken for granted, can be refined and molded into something that is beautiful, find a belief system and a value structure that you can be proud of, acknowledge the struggles that you are going through and from this point forward in your interactions with others show compassion, caring, and understanding, become a doer, organize things, let the lack of fear about all things outside of your need for her validation provide you with the opportunity to jump out of an airplane, kayak a river, go on a road trip, and do all of the things you have wanted to do, but have never done.

 

The fact is, you are bound only by how much you desire to become the best person you possibly can. People talk about it, but few actually engage in such a difficult thing. Become something more and let people come to you, because they will if you decide that this amazing life is worth throwing yourself into.

 

Love is about what you give to other people. Taking from other people isn't love, it's insecurity, weakness, and it stagnates your soul. The amount of emotion you have within you right now can be shared with so many people, animals, causes. If you choose to release it into the world, you will arrive as more of a man, more of a person, than you ever thought possible.

 

Today is the day you become the hero of your own story.

[hopefulfaerie]

First of all....You are NOT a pathetic loser!!!!! You are just a human and in pain. We have all been there and some of us still are (myself included)

 

I have had my heart broken more than once and at the time it feels like the end of the world! I am still reeling from the pain of the last one. But slowly (annoyingly slow) the pain and anxiety gets less and less. You almost get sick of being sad.

 

Like I said I am nowhere near being fully healed. If I was I probably wouldn't be here every day but I am noticing subtle changes in my attitude and how I feel overall.

 

I would go NC. It is SOOOOO DIFFICULT! I'm not going to lie. It will be god awful painful but it really is a faster way out of this living hell of breakups. Do it for yourself!!!! and be nice to yourself too

we are here for you!

[tinker683]

I'm at a pretty damn low point. Was broken up with a gf but we were still very much into each other, but because we were both immature and had big egos, we never got back together. However, we acted just like a couple throughout after our breakup, until she found someone new. She just went into a new relationship and was cheating on her bf with me for a bit, before guilt caught up to her and now doesn't even talk to me anymore and ignores my calls/texts. She was my best friend and first love. And it seems like I went from 120mph to 0 overnight. We went from talking all the time to her ignoring me. I did NC for a couple of weeks but it was hard and then I fell back off the wagon. I did a lot of begging, pleading, and even let her know that I lost weight because of this. Yes, I'm pathetic. Now she ignores me and everything I say. I showed up to her house today with her favorite chocolate but she didn't open the door, so I left it in her mailbox. Afterwards I sent her a million texts saying how it really stung that she just ignored me like that.

 

So, I don't need any yelling from you guys for being such a pathetic loser. I know I am. But I want some hope for the future. I've never felt this sad, angry, and worthless in my life. My self-esteem needs life support right now, and I am afraid of going into a downward spiral. So it would be nice to hear recovery stories from those of you who have been to as low of a point as I am now. Recovery can be anything whether it be getting your ex-gf back, or having her want you back, or finding someone better, or simply being much happier again, from such a terrible place like I am in now.

 

Thanks

 

 

Ok, some things before I go into my story

 

1) You are not a loser. Not even close. What you did is what 99% of human beings would do in your position. You said yourself that you two were going along together as if you were back together, I know if my ex had started treating me as if we were actually together after the breakup I would have done the same as you (since it would have actually been an improvement to conditions before the breakup )

 

So rather than blame yourself, simply consider this a lesson that you learned via the school of hard knocks. It's a brutal to go through but I bet you won't let yourself be in this position again!

 

2) Before telling my story of recovery I'd like to add a little background information so that it gives my story some context

 

*ahem*

 

Before meeting my ex, I had been single for about 8 or 9 years or so. I had tried dating some during that time but didn't find anyone who was interested. At the time that I met my ex I met a woman I had at one time been deeply infatuated with (but she didn't feel the same) and after a while we worked things out, became very good friends, and were actually living together as roommates by time I met my ex.

 

My ex was, I thought at the time I met her, everything I want. She was an incredibly beautiful, intellegent woman who wanted the same things I did (family, long term relationship) and who was in to a lot of the things that I was. She could have been Anne Hatheway's slightly older twin but a little taller and bigger boobs to give you an idea.

 

We dated for about 18 months give or take. Things got rocky here and there because of communication issues and also because she had abandonment/control issues but we managed to work things out. At the time I just thought of it as kind of an adjustment period but in retrospect there were actually a lot of toxic red flags that I ignored/wallpapered over/overlooked that I wish I hadn't but I did.

 

In any event about 4 months before our break up she comes to me and tells me that she feels like I'm kind of just 'going along' with things but that she needs to know that she isn't wasting her time as she was about to turn 35 and had no kids and wanted kids and yadda yadda yadda: Basically she wanted a commitment from me.

 

I responded to her that I was being carefree about it because of her issues and I wanted to wait for her to be ready but that if she was ready, I was willing to 'go all in' as it were. She agreed. We start making plans for our lives together which involved a house with land for a horse (as she had a horse and wanted some acreage to look after her horse herself) and children. I was in love with this idea and even found a few place that might have worked.

 

About 3 months before our breakup, her horses gets severely injured. Her horse means everything to her so I go into supportive boyfriend mode and she starts to get kind of distant. This is to me is perfectly normal, she's going through a lot, I understand that.

 

Weeks start to go by and she becomes increasingly distant, to the point to where I'm only getting to see her once or twice a week for a few hours on a lunch break before she has to go do something else. I didn't say anything at first as I knew she was going through a hard time and I didn't want to add to it but at the same time, the fact that she was getting really distant from me was starting to bother me. During her free time she was spending all of her time with her friends and such or with her injured and now recovering horse. I started to feel a little rejected as she didn't seem to want to have anything to do with me and seemed to prefer to spend her time with her friends, in particular this one guy who, after we broke up, started dating shortly thereafter.

 

When I tried discussing this with her I got one of a few responses

 

1) "I can't deal with you right now, I've got a lot going on, you're just going to have to wait until I am ready for this"

 

2) Silence or excuses as to why she can't spend time or talk to me

 

3) She would belittle my feelings, telling me that she 'doesn't have time to baby my feelings' or that she 'doesn't want to listen to me crying like a petulant child'

 

Now keep in mind, her and I have had some arguments and I will admit I wasn't always patient or nice to her during some of these arguments but I was never abusive or anything like that, so I knew that while talking to her during this period of time I would need to keep things civil so when I DID talk to her, I always tried being neutral, matter of fact, and non judgmental. I actually tried framing many of our discussions as if we were a team trying to solve a problem together but no matter how much I tried to explain or present myself otherwise, she always took what I did as an attack.

 

The last time her and I saw each other was during one of the brief periods of time that she evidently could make for me. She had to go shopping for some stuff (including dog food for her future boyfriend) and she said she had enough time to bring me along.

 

She spent the entire time babbling on about this woman she hated at work, and telling me about some of the things she had to for this creative project she was working on. While I didn't go shopping with her (as it was sometimes the only time she'd let me be around her) but she was very cold to me the whole time and didn't really engage me at all. While she was driving me home she blew up on me on the fact that I wasn't saying anything and I told her thats because she was going on and on about stuff I didn't really know about. I told her that I hadn't seen her in a long time, that she was very cold to me, that I didn't know where I fit in her life anymore and that while I was sorry I wasn't a chatterbox, she needed to understand how I felt.

 

Her response was to apologize to me, tell me she couldn't deal with it, and I left.

 

I broke up with her two weeks later because I couldn't tell with the distance and with feeling rejected and unwanted from her. She responded with something like, "Oh I see, when you need me to be patient I have to be but when I need some forbearance you have nothing for me!" and then followed it up with a strong of apologies for how unfair she had been to me. I asked her point blank if she wanted to be with her and she responded, "I don't know how"

 

So I ended things and I moved to a new place a week later as I wanted to recover as quickly as I couldn't. I didn't want to be anywhere near her I was so crushed. This was all early January of this year.

 

The first couple of months were absolutely brutal. I didn't have any friends or know anyone where I was and my old life was gone. I had this life with this women I loved, this picture in my head, this picture that she TOLD me she wanted multiple times and now it was all gone.

 

The first couple months just kind of drifted by. I didn't do or involved myself in anything, I just stayed home and wallowed mostly. I did learn how to cook for myself as the grocery store was half an hour away and I wanted to spend my money wisely. My cat of 19 years also died during this time from cancer, so I had to deal with that.

 

I broke contact with her once during this period, giving her breadcrumbs mostly. She was polite but very distant. We exchanged only a few words and that was that. I regretted doing it.

 

Around March or so I had started to feel like I needed to do something so the first thing I did was contact my Kung Fu instructor and tell him I wanted to start taking classes again. I had started dabbling in it before but now I felt like it would be a good focus for me. I started taking classes again and I adopted a new cat, Tucker, who I still have today and I love him dearly

 

I broke contact with her again after I got my cat, asking her for advice (She's worked at vets offices and used to show dogs and cats at shows so she knows a lot about them). She was again very polite and informative but distant. I told her that if she ever wanted to chat, to let me know. She said, "Likewise". We never texted each other from that conversation until April which was the last time.

 

In April I decided I wanted to get back into ballroom dancing. It was the activity I had gotten into with my former roommate and it was an activity I had shared a lot with my ex. I've been told I'm very good at it, amateur-competition level good, and when a coworker of mine asked me to show her and her fiancé how to Waltz, I got the bug again and called my dance instructor up. She was delighted to hear from me, and we started to ease into it.

 

I broke contact for the 3rd and final time with my ex. A few months had past and I felt like that maybe I was ready to maybe try and resume some sort of friendship with her. She was very important and not all of the times we had were bad so I wanted to salvage that. I had no idea just how deeply in denial I was.

 

She seemed very open to the idea, but it was here that she informed me that she had a new boyfriend. Apparently she had been going out with the guy I previously mentioned for sometime and they made it official not too long ago. When I texted her, they were actually on there way to a hustle/shag dance thing.

 

The news hit me like a sledge to the gut. I am quite proud of myself for keeping my composure during this period. I politely got back to her later that night that the news of her new relationship hit me harder than that I thought and that I would need space. I apologized profusely to her, I told her that my contacting her the way I did was disrespectful to her and to me, that I wished her and her new bf the best, but that I couldn't speak to her. She responded politely that she understood, she was sorry to hear that, and that we could be friends in the future if need be.

 

All of the pity I had felt for her and her situation, all of the shame I felt for somehow failing her, all of that suddenly converted from grief and self pity into molten fury. I felt lied too, I felt like I had been used, I felt like I had been rejected and replaced and I felt so incredibly, unbearably insignificant.

 

She had told me she had been so busy, that she didn't have time for me, yet apparently she had somehow managed to find time for this guy. I had been in denial before but her news to me rocketed me straight into the "Anger" phase.

 

I started seeing a personal trainer shortly after that. My anger needed an outlet and I told myself I needed to focus. I started working out twice a week, going to kung fu once a week, going dancing when I could. I kept myself very busy during the week but I hated the weekends because I had nothing to do and that was when I was alone with me and my thoughts.

 

May and June passed by without too much affair. I went on vacation to Yellowstone National Park in May (BEAUTIFUL country out there!!) and my birthday was in June but both occasionals were marred by my oscillating feelings of rage and despair. I hated her and I missed her. I wanted to scream at her and I wanted to just hear her voice again. Externally I portrayed calm and contentment but internally I was a burning husk of emotions.

 

June also marked when I managed to reconnect with my old roommate. She had come to me and told me she missed me and wanted to go dancing with me as she didn't feel as comfortable with anyone other than me. I was hesitant about it at first but I agreed and her and I are dancing together again to this day. That was actually a good point for me, it helped me to feel reconnected to my old self.

 

July is when things started to really look up. One fateful night hanging out with my brother and his friends and they invited me to come hang with them again. One thing led to another and now I'm a part of their regular Vampire the Masquerade group. These guys have been doing this for DECADES and they've complimented me on how good of a player I am and how integral I've become to the story we're telling. This was *HUGE* for me as it gave me a place where I felt like I belonged again.

 

August (last month) things got really good for me. I'm thinking about her much less, I haven't spoken to her since April, and I reconnected with my D&D group. We all live in vastly different locations so we agreed to see if we could Skype a game together. Last Sunday, September 1st, was our first Skype game and it went extremely well.

 

At present my schedule looks a little something like this:

 

Monday - Kung Fu and Dance Classes

Tuesday - Gym and Personal Trainer

Wednesday - Kung Fu Class

Thursday - Gym and Personal Trainer

Friday - Dance party or night off

Saturday - VtM group, and I'm looking to add a private lesson in with my Kung Fu trainer if I can afford it

Sunday - Skyping with my D&D buddies.

 

I would say presently I am 80% better and going strong. I say 80% because while I've reached the point to where I truly do not want her in my life anymore and while I've regained my sense of self worth and love my life right now, I will concede that I have trust issues currently as a result of my last relationship. I gave so much to that woman and gotten taken advantage of for it. I'm still angry at her but now it's like a burning ember of resentment than the volcanic fury I felt before. I get lonely sometimes but I like being single and I'm very distrustful of women right now. I do --NOT-- ever want to put myself in a situation like that again.

 

In retrospect it was a truly bad relationship. I had a lot of good times but I settled for so little and put up with so much I didn't need too. I think the hardest I had to deal with was re-realizing and re-accepting myself as being a worthwhile and lovable person. For such a long time I felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone by virtue of the fact that nobody seemed to want me.

 

But now I've found some degree of inner peace. I'd still like a family and I still want to fall in love, but right now I'm working on myself and I'm in love with my life and the path it's on. I know where I've been, I know what I've got and I know most people wish they were half as lucky. It took a lot of work but I had to forgive myself for not being the person I had wanted to be back then. The great and glorious thing about life though is that you always get a chance to be who you want to be every day you wake up.

 

I live on my own, own my own vehicle, and make enough to do all the things I like to do with some tiny bit to spare. I'm actually very glad things didn't work out with my former roommate as I feel like we would have been a disastrous couple. I'm also glad things didn't work out with my ex as she was a total parasite and would done a crap load of damage to me if I had continued to wait around waiting for her to decide I was important again.

 

I will not settle for as little as I did before. The next woman I am with better put up her A game if she wants to keep me because I know I'm a catch. I'm a self sufficient guy with no bad habits (don't smoke or drink) who would love to cook for his woman, take her out dancing, and commit myself to her.

 

I hope that the next woman I find can keep up because I'm not going to slow myself down for anyone ever again

[Blastoplast]

Well, I'll keep it short and sweet -- and keep in mind I'm still not over her. First few months were completely miserable; couldn't eat, sleep, taste... everything was dull and pointless. Hooked up with a few girls hoping in the next few months hoping it would help but it didn't. Hooked up with the EX about 6 months after the break-up for some extremely satisfying goodbye sex. Dated a girl in between there for a few months, that didn't work out -- but was fun. Dated another girl a few months later, but distance was too far. While doing all this I've been maintaining a healthy relationship with my friends and keeping busy by re-enrolling in school, playing shows with my bands and just being as active as possible.

 

The short of it all? I'm the healthiest I've been in years, my confidence is at an all-time high and while sometimes there's a fear of not finding somebody amazing, I know fully well that I'm a great guy with tons to offer and I will find somebody worth my time. And if I don't? I've realized I can do anything on my own and that life is full of wondrous amazement, and NO woman can ever take that away from me!