How could I how could I not

[Goodbye]

What exactly does "deconstructing" his current relationship entail?

 

If you really love the man and he loves you...just go about your life as a couple and the rest will sort itself out. Yes, people will judge and talk, but they'll get over it.

[threelaurels]

Is he planning to go NC with her once he leaves, or is he planning to remain in the same social circle as her?

 

He will likely lose some mutual friends as a result of the breakup, especially if it ends on bad terms. Some friends will be more loyal to her, some friends will be more loyal to him. It's the nature of breakups.

 

How long are you planning to keep your relationship a secret once he breaks it off with her?

 

The shorter the time period is between their breakup and you getting together, the more likely it is that people will put two and two together. After being in a relationship for 15 years, people are going to expect him to play the field for a while--not settle down with someone else right away.

 

If his soon-to-be ex finds out about you two dating when she's not yet over the breakup, there is the potential for drama. She may eventually figure out that he was seeing you while together with her. The more people know about the A, the greater the chances are of it getting back to her. Adults gossip, some people can't keep a secret to save their life, and people will spread rumors based on gut feelings and assumptions. They don't need facts.

 

In general, people tend to be rather judgmental when it comes to relationships with large age gaps. People will probably accuse you of being a golddigger. His friends and family will probably think he is having a mid-life crisis. They'll discourage his relationship with you if they think you're after his money. Men who date significantly younger women tend to be seen as immature and sometimes even perverted.

 

If his family is close with his soon-to-be ex, they will probably still remain in contact with her even after the breakup. They have been together for a long time, and they probably see her as part of the family too. I would expect them to encourage him to go back to her and work on things. When you finally enter the picture, they might give you a chance, or they may not. The longer he waits to tell them about you, the better your chances will be of making a good impression.

[wrinkledforhead]

What exactly does "deconstructing" his current relationship entail?

 

If you really love the man and he loves you...just go about your life as a couple and the rest will sort itself out. Yes, people will judge and talk, but they'll get over it.

 

He's in the process of leaving his long term relationship. As he comes to terms with leaving, he is telling her. Many on here don't understand why he just doesn't tell her its over. I mentioned in the OP that as he speaks with her on the many things wrong in their R, he is coming to find peace within himself with that choice. He is leaving her, but he is not dropping a huge bomb. It's been a disconnect that started several months ago (almost 6, when he met me) and is just now coming to a head. He is leaving her, but he is going about it in a way that makes sense to him.

 

And yes, for those of you who doubt it: for the last six months he has been with her several nights a week as her partner. He is leaving. For the last two weeks he has spent most of his nights with me (6/7). He spent the last two nights with me even though those have always been their nights. He saw her yesterday, but during daylight hours and on neutral territory (not either of their houses). He is leaving. His actions match his words.

[wrinkledforhead]

Is he planning to go NC with her once he leaves, or is he planning to remain in the same social circle as her?

 

He will likely lose some mutual friends as a result of the breakup, especially if it ends on bad terms. Some friends will be more loyal to her, some friends will be more loyal to him. It's the nature of breakups.

 

How long are you planning to keep your relationship a secret once he breaks it off with her?

 

The shorter the time period is between their breakup and you getting together, the more likely it is that people will put two and two together. After being in a relationship for 15 years, people are going to expect him to play the field for a while--not settle down with someone else right away.

 

If his soon-to-be ex finds out about you two dating when she's not yet over the breakup, there is the potential for drama. She may eventually figure out that he was seeing you while together with her. The more people know about the A, the greater the chances are of it getting back to her. Adults gossip, some people can't keep a secret to save their life, and people will spread rumors based on gut feelings and assumptions. They don't need facts.

 

In general, people tend to be rather judgmental when it comes to relationships with large age gaps. People will probably accuse you of being a golddigger. His friends and family will probably think he is having a mid-life crisis. They'll discourage his relationship with you if they think you're after his money. Men who date significantly younger women tend to be seen as immature and sometimes even perverted.

 

If his family is close with his soon-to-be ex, they will probably still remain in contact with her even after the breakup. They have been together for a long time, and they probably see her as part of the family too. I would expect them to encourage him to go back to her and work on things. When you finally enter the picture, they might give you a chance, or they may not. The longer he waits to tell them about you, the better your chances will be of making a good impression.

 

Thank you for this. We don't know how long to wait but it will be several months before we'd tell anyone. We do recognize the nature of the beast.

 

He will go NC with her once the split is complete. Ive asked as much. We've talked about her contacting him, and he has offered to show me call logs. He's discussed what to say to her to keep a phone call from her brief. We know that trust is built not on me demanding he be open, but that he offers to be open, and he has.

 

We've discussed the friends he will lose and how significant those people are in his life.

 

His parents are not close with her. His dad knows of the impending breakup (not the A) and supports him. He knows the flaws in their R and is supportive of his son.

 

I do realize that many will question the age gap. I hadn't thought of the gold digger thing. He knows me well enough to know this is not the case, and so to that I say, "what does it matter what people think?"

 

It is her piecing our R together after his leaving her I am concerned about. Our social circles don't overlap at all. But yes, as I meet the people who matter to him I'm sure she'll find out about me (and hate me). How long would be prudent to avoid this? I'm sure I could wait at least six months. A year of secrecy? That may create strain but if it needs done it needs done.

[Speakingofwhich]

I don't believe secrecy is a good idea.

[threelaurels]

Thank you for this. We don't know how long to wait but it will be several months before we'd tell anyone. We do recognize the nature of the beast.

 

He will go NC with her once the split is complete. Ive asked as much. We've talked about her contacting him, and he has offered to show me call logs. He's discussed what to say to her to keep a phone call from her brief. We know that trust is built not on me demanding he be open, but that he offers to be open, and he has.

 

We've discussed the friends he will lose and how significant those people are in his life.

 

His parents are not close with her. His dad knows of the impending breakup (not the A) and supports him. He knows the flaws in their R and is supportive of his son.

 

I do realize that many will question the age gap. I hadn't thought of the gold digger thing. He knows me well enough to know this is not the case, and so to that I say, "what does it matter what people think?"

 

It is her piecing our R together after his leaving her I am concerned about. Our social circles don't overlap at all. But yes, as I meet the people who matter to him I'm sure she'll find out about me (and hate me). How long would be prudent to avoid this? I'm sure I could wait at least six months. A year of secrecy? That may create strain but if it needs done it needs done.

 

It seems as though you both have put a lot of effort into making sure others will not find out that your relationship started as an A. Have you discussed how to handle it if the truth does come out?

 

While it's easy to not care about what strangers think, it is far more difficult when you care about the people who are judging you. We, as humans, are social creatures, and we have an inherent need to maintain a positive social image. Social pressure is a powerful influence that I wouldn't underestimate. If it doesn't change your relationship in the slightest, I would be surprised. It may be for the better or it may be for the worst. Some people build stronger relationships in the face of adversity while others crumble apart.

 

In general, I tend to believe in the one-third rule for breakups. That is, it takes around one-third of the total time of the relationship to fully get over it. However, the post-breakup period is essentially a period of grieving. People grieve the loss of the relationship, the companionship, the plans for the future, etc. They go the five stages of grief that we associate with someone passing away--denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

 

The first few months are the most intense and then things slowly return to normal. However, there will still be occasional bouts of emotion even long after the person has reached the acceptance phase. The more time passes, the less frequent they become.

 

I think it will probably take her six months to a year to get over the intense emotional phase, assuming she is still invested in the relationship at the time they break up. After that, she'll slowly become able to think about him and their relationship without feeling intense anger and/or sadness. If she has a strong support system, she will adjust better. If not, she may find the breakup to be more than she can handle and be pushed over the edge. I would wait six months minimum before beginning to slowly come out in the open.

[BrokenPrincess]

Do they have the kind of relationship where most friends think they should've broken up a long time ago? Will they be shocked at the split?

 

Personally I think it doesn't matter how long you wait, people are going to gossip about your relationship having a 20 year age gap. Your friends may question why you want to be with an old man, how is it going to be for you when you're a sprightly 50 and he's 70. His friends will probably think he's having a mid-life crisis and wonder if you're a gold digger looking for someone to support her kids.

 

That said, if your relationship is healthy and you're happy together, at the end if the day, all these people close to you will see that. They will support you as a couple because its clear you're happy and good for each other, and that's all we want for the people we care about, right?

 

If I were you, I wouldn't hide it for months or a year. Once he's broken it off and is single and available, I would just be honest and start living your lives without the deceit and secrecy you've been existing under for the last 5 months. There's no kids involved to be impacted or confused, so let your adult friends & family share in your new authentic relationship. The gossip is going to come either way, so why continue living a lie?

[wrinkledforhead]

Do they have the kind of relationship where most friends think they should've broken up a long time ago? Will they be shocked at the split?

 

Personally I think it doesn't matter how long you wait, people are going to gossip about your relationship having a 20 year age gap. Your friends may question why you want to be with an old man, how is it going to be for you when you're a sprightly 50 and he's 70. His friends will probably think he's having a mid-life crisis and wonder if you're a gold digger looking for someone to support her kids.

 

That said, if your relationship is healthy and you're happy together, at the end if the day, all these people close to you will see that. They will support you as a couple because its clear you're happy and good for each other, and that's all we want for the people we care about, right?

 

If I were you, I wouldn't hide it for months or a year. Once he's broken it off and is single and available, I would just be honest and start living your lives without the deceit and secrecy you've been existing under for the last 5 months. There's no kids involved to be impacted or confused, so let your adult friends & family share in your new authentic relationship. The gossip is going to come either way, so why continue living a lie?

 

You're right, people will gossip regardless. My friends know our age gap and haven't said anything because it is apparent we love each other.

 

The secrecy is mostly so no connection is made between him leaving her and beginning a life with me. I've said it several times--our reputations are important to us. To protect his status and integrity as a person within the company he works for. Our town is small and though our current circles don't connect, they will eventually because of my career trajectory. I do not want the reputation of being a home wrecker. We also believe that not coming out about the A is the best way to introduce me into his life, and especially to his friends and family without the negative stigma that surrounds that type of relationship.

Edited September 8, 2013 by wrinkledforhead

[Red Wolverine]

He is leaving. His actions match his words.

 

Until it's over, he hasn't left. Up to this point, there are no actions.

 

As for the pretense of acting like you met later, no one will believe it. Middle aged men rarely leave long-term relationships to be alone.

 

In my situation, even the marriage counselor wasn't buying it. xMM mentioned several times how he couldn't understand why the marriage counselor and his wife repeatedly questioned the possibility of another woman.

 

Even I told him, most men don't just decide to get out to be alone. I also told him no one would buy that we met later. In essence, everything would "click" once I arrived on the scene.

 

In your case, one of the people who already know will probably talk.

[wrinkledforhead]

Until it's over, he hasn't left. Up to this point, there are no actions.

 

As for the pretense of acting like you met later, no one will believe it. Middle aged men rarely leave long-term relationships to be alone.

 

In my situation, even the marriage counselor wasn't buying it. xMM mentioned several times how he couldn't understand why the marriage counselor and his wife repeatedly questioned the possibility of another woman.

 

Even I told him, most men don't just decide to get out to be alone. I also told him no one would buy that we met later. In essence, everything would "click" once I arrived on the scene.

 

In your case, one of the people who already know will probably talk.

 

Hmmm. This is something to think on. I'll bring it up at some point and discuss it with him.

[truthbetold]

Until it's over, he hasn't left. Up to this point, there are no actions.

 

As for the pretense of acting like you met later, no one will believe it. Middle aged men rarely leave long-term relationships to be alone.

 

In my situation, even the marriage counselor wasn't buying it. xMM mentioned several times how he couldn't understand why the marriage counselor and his wife repeatedly questioned the possibility of another woman.

 

Even I told him, most men don't just decide to get out to be alone. I also told him no one would buy that we met later. In essence, everything would "click" once I arrived on the scene.

 

I think the fact that your guy's gf was his OW is going to play heavily on this coming out. She's not naive, she left a marriage, she understands

In your case, one of the people who already know will probably talk.

 

Exactly, my thoughts too.

 

I saw your reply to me WF. And I thank you as well for a well thought out reply. I won't repeat what has been said though. Your obviously set on your path so...

 

With your latest question, yeah I don't think you have a hope in hell no matter how long you wait or don't for this to come out. People already know and some people do love nothing more than to gossip and or cause drama.

 

Also the fact that his gf was his OW I think is going to play heavily on this all coming out. She's not stupid to affairs, she left her husband for him, I'm sure she understand the affair dynamic and being with him for 15 years, probably knows how he ticks better than anyone. So yeah, she's going to put two and two together.

 

I think you're likely to grow a thick skin. It's one thing if an OW doesn't give a crap who knows and what the consequences are, because there's always going to be fallout. It's another to be waiting in the wings and expect this to play out like some sort of script that you are orchestrating. People don't work according to a script, life's messy and full of real emotions from unpredictable people, even more so if there's an affair involved. She will definitely figure it out in time, from her own gut or people, only time will tell.

 

Red Wolverine (I LOVE that name! very cool) You provide such great insight! I hope you stay around and provide a much needed guiding light on these boards I've read a few of your posts, and they're all fantastic!

[BrokenPrincess]

Many on here don't understand why he just doesn't tell her its over.

No, I think many DO understand why he hasn't told her, and they are trying to show you that he is being cowardly, indecisive, and cruel to both women by refusing to man up, make a decision, and let everyone start healing and moving on.

 

 

His actions match his words.

 

From what you've posted today, he still hasn't told her its over. Sleeping at your house most nights but then still seeing her, giving her hope, that's not action. He hasn't left or even told her he's leaving.

 

I'm really worried for you Wrinkled. I've read so many stories here of "future faking" and I'm concerned all these talks about how to handle your relationship post-A are going to be for nothing. These talks are moot when he still hasn't even quite "come to terms" with leaving her. I truly hope this works out without weeks or months of you on an agonizing emotional roller coaster. Please keep us posted and try to guard your heart. (((Hugs)))

[Quiet Storm]

Many people are not going to take the relationship seriously due to the age gap. That's just reality. You will have to get to the point where you don't care what others think. Don't get wrapped up in trying to prove the validity of your relationship to others. People will talk. Accept it.

 

My neighbor is a chiropractor with a successful business. He divorced his first wife to marry his 20 years younger assistant. He had two kids with her, and then divorced her to marry his 25 years younger assistant. The second wife was devastated. The new wife is a sweet girl, but we feel sorry for her because we know his history and his character. No one on our street takes their relationship seriously...it's a joke. Complete with neighbors taking bets on how long before she's pregnant and he hires a new assistant.

 

People are very judgmental. I've been with my husband, who is black, for 22 years. Over the years, people have made many judgements about my choice to marry a black man. Some of the false judgements are ridiculous. You can't worry about what others think if you choose to be in an unconventional relationship. You just have to accept that people will judge and not concern yourself with it.

 

It will be difficult if you or MM are people that need others to approve of and validate your relationship. Some never will, and you have to be OK with that.

[Red Wolverine]

Has he met your children? Even if he commits himself to you, a life together would mean he's committed to your children.

 

I know it's not impossible but I think that's more difficult when a man doesn't have children of his own. It also means a life with you will not be all about him. Does he realize what a readymade family means?

 

I'm concerned how his non-committal behavior will impact them.

 

I can take anything and rise above it. Anything involving my children is another story.

[wrinkledforhead]

Has he met your children? Even if he commits himself to you, a life together would mean he's committed to your children.

 

I know it's not impossible but I think that's more difficult when a man doesn't have children of his own. It also means a life with you will not be all about him. Does he realize what a readymade family means?

 

I'm concerned how his non-committal behavior will impact them.

 

I can take anything and rise above it. Anything involving my children is another story.

 

Yes, he's met them. They get along well. They don't spend massive amounts of time with him. I treat the relationship between him and the kids as I would treat any other relationship between a man and my kids: I guard my children closely. it is very important to me to not have just any man around my children, nor is there a forced relationship between him and the children. But yes, they get along very well in the time they've spent together.

 

He is aware we are a package, myself and the children. That has been and is a part of our discussions.

[wrinkledforhead]

Exactly, my thoughts too.

 

I saw your reply to me WF. And I thank you as well for a well thought out reply. I won't repeat what has been said though. Your obviously set on your path so...

 

With your latest question, yeah I don't think you have a hope in hell no matter how long you wait or don't for this to come out. People already know and some people do love nothing more than to gossip and or cause drama.

 

Also the fact that his gf was his OW I think is going to play heavily on this all coming out. She's not stupid to affairs, she left her husband for him, I'm sure she understand the affair dynamic and being with him for 15 years, probably knows how he ticks better than anyone. So yeah, she's going to put two and two together.

 

I think you're likely to grow a thick skin. It's one thing if an OW doesn't give a crap who knows and what the consequences are, because there's always going to be fallout. It's another to be waiting in the wings and expect this to play out like some sort of script that you are orchestrating. People don't work according to a script, life's messy and full of real emotions from unpredictable people, even more so if there's an affair involved. She will definitely figure it out in time, from her own gut or people, only time will tell.

 

Red Wolverine (I LOVE that name! very cool) You provide such great insight! I hope you stay around and provide a much needed guiding light on these boards I've read a few of your posts, and they're all fantastic!

 

You're right. You're very, very right. This very well may be a reality I will have to face. I do think that things may be better if there are only suspicions and gossip, and the affair never admitted to. It may come out. I'll have to think on this.

[Speakingofwhich]

He already said he isn't for sure if he is going to end up with the OP. Him also saying that they are bad together

 

You sure? I don't recall reading that he said he wasn't sure if he is going to end up with OP or saying that they are bad together. Maybe I missed it.

 

My concern would be that his history seems to be one of instability(moving in and out of relationships and not fully committing to one) from what you've posted. I'm curious as to why he never married the long term gf who left her H for him. Is the answer to that question relevant to your sitch with him?

[wrinkledforhead]

You sure? I don't recall reading that he said he wasn't sure if he is going to end up with OP or saying that they are bad together. Maybe I missed it.

 

My concern would be that his history seems to be one of instability(moving in and out of relationships and not fully committing to one) from what you've posted. I'm curious as to why he never married the long term gf who left her H for him. Is the answer to that question relevant to your sitch with him?

 

"Are we bad for each other?" Is a question we've both asked aloud, to get input from the other person. Usually its during an emotionally painful time, and to measure net happiness, or asking if we can forgive ourselves and each other for the occasional havoc. That same day was the first day after he told her he was unhappy and all the reasons why, and that he needed time alone. He didnt reassure me we would end up together because of his emotional state. We've talked through it. We talk through all of this. We have a relationship that is open and honest. We recognize the values within a positive relationship, are self-aware people, and ensure we maintain one.

 

There are reasons he hasn't married her and none of them impact our R. We've talked about marriage, sharing a home, and having a child a few years into our future. It's something we both want, but not right now.

[2sunny]

He's in the process of leaving his long term relationship. As he comes to terms with leaving, he is telling her. Many on here don't understand why he just doesn't tell her its over. I mentioned in the OP that as he speaks with her on the many things wrong in their R, he is coming to find peace within himself with that choice. He is leaving her, but he is not dropping a huge bomb. It's been a disconnect that started several months ago (almost 6, when he met me) and is just now coming to a head. He is leaving her, but he is going about it in a way that makes sense to him.

 

And yes, for those of you who doubt it: for the last six months he has been with her several nights a week as her partner. He is leaving. For the last two weeks he has spent most of his nights with me (6/7). He spent the last two nights with me even though those have always been their nights. He saw her yesterday, but during daylight hours and on neutral territory (not either of their houses). He is leaving. His actions match his words.

 

No - his actions do NOT match his words. He stated he would tell her a week ago Friday - and now you're saying he didn't tell her point blank.

 

Yet he's made himself the liar - and YOU continue to see him and have sex with him.

 

What was all his drama then - last weekend? Since he didn't tell or leave - why make his lie such a big deal?

 

And why care now what others will think? You're having an affair with a man who's been in a committed R for 15 years.

 

You've just settled...and he now expects you to live with HIS terms. And it appears you are willing by not ending it with him when he wussed out.

 

He isn't MARRIED to her - there's no reason he can't end it today!

[SidLyon]

**********

[SidLyon]

I know you guys are interested in an update so I'll say this much: WM is still leaving his other R. It is taking time but he is deconstructing it. We've had some serious conversations regarding both of our actions and reactions in the aftermath of the beginning of the end. The process he is working through right now, before he tells her its over. He is coming to terms with leaving a R with someone he loves but is not in love with. He has been doing some reading, is still committed to his therapy sessions. After reading heavily these last few days, I see the necessity of this. He needs to come to terms to ending that on its own terms, and not ending it solely to be with me. He is recognizing that he should have left some time ago. I believe this is the best way for him to do it to prevent post-A conflict: "look at all I gave up for you," "I sacrificed a lot so this had better be worth it." We've discussed the pitfalls of many A's after the WS leaves, and we are continuing to build our R conscious of what we're up against.

 

But to my question: he is leaving his R without revealing the A for reasons we agree upon and that impact us both. We have agreed to keep our R mostly hidden for some time after. There are many people in my life that know he and I are together, but don't know of the A. There are 3 people in his life that know of our R, and of course, do know he is having an A.

 

I'm curious as how to best go about (I'm future thinking here, preparing) telling people he is seeing somebody (me) and in a new R. By outward appearances, he will be a man who left a R of 15 years and is then (like I said, several months from now) seeing a woman 20 yrs his junior, with two kids. I'm curious as to how the general public (mostly friends & family) will see us, or if there will be any raised eyebrows, comments to contend with. Any insight?

 

He's in the process of leaving his long term relationship. As he comes to terms with leaving, he is telling her. Many on here don't understand why he just doesn't tell her its over. I mentioned in the OP that as he speaks with her on the many things wrong in their R, he is coming to find peace within himself with that choice. He is leaving her, but he is not dropping a huge bomb. It's been a disconnect that started several months ago (almost 6, when he met me) and is just now coming to a head. He is leaving her, but he is going about it in a way that makes sense to him.

 

And yes, for those of you who doubt it: for the last six months he has been with her several nights a week as her partner. He is leaving. For the last two weeks he has spent most of his nights with me (6/7). He spent the last two nights with me even though those have always been their nights. He saw her yesterday, but during daylight hours and on neutral territory (not either of their houses). He is leaving. His actions match his words.

 

You do realise that was he is doing represents the ultimate in emotional abuse of his long term partner, don't you? I think I might have already said this on your thread.

 

He's manipulating her to make her believe that it's all her fault, eg by persisting in listing to her all the problems in their relationship, not telling her he's leaving her and probably giving her the impression that if only she can fix things, he'll stay.

 

Maybe you need to question why you want to be with a man that you know to be an emotional abuser. He can't even argue that he's reformed as he's still doing it to her, and is planning to continue for a while it seems.

 

His words have been that he's leaving her, but so far his actions haven't matched have they (it didn't happen 10 days ago as you'd been promised)? He's now doing the "OW please be patient and give me time" thing.

Edited September 9, 2013 by SidLyon

[Speakingofwhich]

"Are we bad for each other?" Is a question we've both asked aloud, to get input from the other person. Usually its during an emotionally painful time, and to measure net happiness, or asking if we can forgive ourselves and each other for the occasional havoc. Right, I do recall this. A kind of rhetorical questioning of if it was bad but not that you/he decided it was bad. Makes sense. That same day was the first day after he told her he was unhappy and all the reasons why, and that he needed time alone. He didnt reassure me we would end up together because of his emotional state. Understandable! We've talked through it. We talk through all of this. We have a relationship that is open and honest. We recognize the values within a positive relationship, are self-aware people, and ensure we maintain one.

 

There are reasons he hasn't married her and none of them impact our R. We've talked about marriage, sharing a home, and having a child a few years into our future. It's something we both want, but not right now.

 

Good that you're talking of marriage, rather than non committed R! And, actually better for the two of you that he'd never married her. I kind of think there's a good chance you're going to make it together. Not sure I'd have the tenacity you have but more power to you!

 

It seems to me it's not as cut and dried as him going over there, saying his piece and leaving to be with you. In his place, I wouldn't do it that way. Think it's kinder to her to do it in phases so that her emotions can process it more easily. However, that's harder for you. Guess he's trying to find a balance. Would have been great had he done it before meeting you, though. But, hindsight is 20/20 as they say!

[SoleMate]

WF, with the greatest respect, I'd like to ask if there may possibly be something in your backstory that contributes to you accepting these thin, implausible tales.

 

Just one detail of a seeming lie that stinks to high heaven: less than a week ago, he "told her" of the reality of the A and they spent all night "crying" in consequence. Yet today, we see that he has not even told her of the A! So what were they crying over - his supposed ED?

 

To me, the more likely reality is that 94% of this drama has never even occurred, except in MM's mind. He probably started a milquetoast "relationship discussion" with her using memes like, "I'm not sure I'm happy" and "I wonder if there's more out there", plus whatever drama he can whip up out of her idiosyncracies. They anguish about that for a while, drink a bottle of wine, and then head for the bedroom where they engage in mutual masturbation and oral sex.....

 

The age difference would be discussion-worthy even in an honest couple, but for an A, it's a flaming red flag. Please, I beg you, find a man your own age who isn't already stringing a woman along.

[2sunny]

He's feeding you a load of bull$hit and you are just eating it up.

 

Look at the facts. Look at what you fail to see.

 

He's a typical cheater using two women to suit his needs. And he just bumped you back into your pretty little "waiting corner" so he can make you wait. And waiting - you seem perfectly happy to wait again... And you could be waiting the 15 years she's been waiting too...and then there may be another OTHER woman on his scene by then.

 

He's a liar, cheater and a user. Nothing about him should be attractive!

 

Date AVAILABLE men!

[wrinkledforhead]

You do realise that was he is doing represents the ultimate in emotional abuse of his long term partner, don't you? I think I might have already said this on your thread.

 

He's manipulating her to make her believe that it's all her fault, eg by persisting in listing to her all the problems in their relationship, not telling her he's leaving her and probably giving her the impression that if only she can fix things, he'll stay.

 

Maybe you need to question why you want to be with a man that you know to be an emotional abuser. He can't even argue that he's reformed as he's still doing it to her, and is planning to continue for a while it seems.

 

His words have been that he's leaving her, but so far his actions haven't matched have they (it didn't happen 10 days ago as you'd been promised)? He's now doing the "OW please be patient and give me time" thing.

 

It's far from blaming it all on her. He recognizes that she is who she is. She recognizes things in herself but is unwilling or unable to change them. And he doesn't fault her for these things. He's pointed out the incompatibilities, to catch her up to speed with where his mind has been. I have pointed out to him that acting in certain ways is likely giving her hope. When she voices such hope ("this is usually the kind of things that couples work on together") he is firm and tells her that he is taking time to work through his issues. And he is.

 

I'm not leaving him nor am I pressuring him right now. I am watching and evaluating. He's continued to be honest and open about the conversations he's had with her. He been open and honest with me about where his head is at in relation to that. I don't believe I'm being strung along. I watch his actions, behavior, and words. I won't put stress in a place (between us) where there needs to be none.