How could I how could I not

[Speakingofwhich]

Tbh, this behavior seems really immature for a 49-year-old. Was going to ask if he's ever been married and, if so, what's the story on that. But, then thought that it really doesn't matter. Just the fact of him being with a woman for fifteen years and not marrying her. And cheating on her twice now. Then with the scenario you've been through. Especially the going back and forth to two crying women. He really sounds weak and ineffective. So sorry. Wrinkled, you can find a much better guy than this!

[wrinkledforhead]

Truly, I related to so much of what you said. Unlike a lot of the stories here, my affair did not include drama. There was love, friendship, and trust.

 

My xMM was there for so much. Every doctor's appointment and my subsequent surgery that looked like it was going to end with a terminal cancer diagnosis. All of this at considerable risk to him. I didn't ask him to be there, he insisted.

 

A good man makes mistakes but they also catch up to him. His love for me was genuine. Under any other circumstances, it would have been a relationship worth fighting for.

 

He and his wife did not communicate about much other than their children. Still, he watched her carry and deliver these children, she was there when he buried his parents, and they share a history. These are the things life is about and they lead to attachment and love.

 

It's difficult to accept but the nature of an affair means somebody has to be unhappy to make another happy. It's the natural doom of affairs. The only chance you have is to let him go completely to make a decision. He hasn't made one but you're seeing the waffling of him trying to.

 

Anything else will result in more turmoil for everyone. If you don't and you act fine, you're unfeeling. If you show your feelings, you'll be one more woman he has to manage. You can't act appropriately in this situation by staying in it.

 

Tell him you love him and let him go.

 

Can I ask what led to the end of your A? Was it you or him that made the choice?

 

Yes. He loves her. That's always been the hard part.

[KentuckyGent]

Truly, I related to so much of what you said. Unlike a lot of the stories here, my affair did not include drama. There was love, friendship, and trust.

 

My xMM was there for so much. Every doctor's appointment and my subsequent surgery that looked like it was going to end with a terminal cancer diagnosis. All of this at considerable risk to him. I didn't ask him to be there, he insisted.

 

A good man makes mistakes but they also catch up to him. His love for me was genuine. Under any other circumstances, it would have been a relationship worth fighting for.

 

He and his wife did not communicate about much other than their children. Still, he watched her carry and deliver these children, she was there when he buried his parents, and they share a history. These are the things life is about and they lead to attachment and love.

 

It's difficult to accept but the nature of an affair means somebody has to be unhappy to make another happy. It's the natural doom of affairs. The only chance you have is to let him go completely to make a decision. He hasn't made one but you're seeing the waffling of him trying to.

 

Anything else will result in more turmoil for everyone. If you don't and you act fine, you're unfeeling. If you show your feelings, you'll be one more woman he has to manage. You can't act appropriately in this situation by staying in it.

 

Tell him you love him and let him go.

 

Excellent points. As much resentment and anger as I've felt toward ex-MW, she was there for me during a dark time (chemotherapy, cancer and the subsequent depression that followed).

[Red Wolverine]

Can I ask what led to the end of your A? Was it you or him that made the choice?

 

Yes. He loves her. That's always been the hard part.

 

He had a timeline. He told her he was unhappy and would be moving out. He met with a lawyer and chose an apartment. They attended MC and had a plan to tell their children he would be moving out.

 

He panicked when he was approaching the date for this discussion with his children. He overreacted to a text about work in an attempt to push me away, to buy more time. I sent him an email telling him he owed me an explanation. I told him to tell me he had decided to stay in his marriage. This was the end for me. I wasn't waiting for that type of behavior again, affair or not.

 

Here's where the revelation of cowardice comes into play.....

 

Instead of him making a decision, he lashed out at me for not being understanding of his job and wrote he couldn't serve two masters.

 

I was shocked. While I'd never seen anything remotely like this before from him, more importantly, I knew he wasn't choosing to stay with his wife. He was choosing to save himself at the expense of her. She was in hell, with no idea why and that wasn't going to change.

 

He later tried to rewrite history by saying this email was him telling me he needed to "sort through his relationship with his wife." Aside from the "two masters" comment, the email said nothing about his wife. It reeked of a panicked, selfish man.

 

To be clear, I don't blame him for staying. My blame is the way he handled this. He didn't really end it. He tried to buy more time (and control) by lashing out. He didn't make a decision. This was about him, not his wife or me.

 

I told his wife. Calmly and honestly, with her dictating what she was told and my feelings about him being left out of it. She deserved to know the truth to make her own choices.

[Calcmag]

Yes, 20 years older.

 

That explains a lot.

 

I can imagine that it must be difficult to read some of the responses we're giving you.

In your position I'm sure I'd be thinking "but you people don't know him like I do". That's true, we don't. But there's more than a grain of truth in the old saying that love is blind. And as an objective bystander I really am struggling with this situation.

 

I understand that you don't want to let him go. I'm curious why you don't think you're entitled to demand he leaves her. Because I think after all that's gone on between you, and his promise to leave her which he's broken, I think you have every right to tell him that you will no longer be a part of this.

[wrinkledforhead]

He had a timeline. He told her he was unhappy and would be moving out. He met with a lawyer and chose an apartment. They attended MC and had a plan to tell their children he would be moving out.

 

He panicked when he was approaching the date for this discussion with his children. He overreacted to a text about work in an attempt to push me away, to buy more time. I sent him an email telling him he owed me an explanation. I told him to tell me he had decided to stay in his marriage. This was the end for me. I wasn't waiting for that type of behavior again, affair or not.

 

Here's where the revelation of cowardice comes into play.....

 

Instead of him making a decision, he lashed out at me for not being understanding of his job and wrote he couldn't serve two masters.

 

I was shocked. While I'd never seen anything remotely like this before from him, more importantly, I knew he wasn't choosing to stay with his wife. He was choosing to save himself at the expense of her. She was in hell, with no idea why and that wasn't going to change.

 

He later tried to rewrite history by saying this email was him telling me he needed to "sort through his relationship with his wife." Aside from the "two masters" comment, the email said nothing about his wife. It reeked of a panicked, selfish man.

 

To be clear, I don't blame him for staying. My blame is the way he handled this. He didn't really end it. He tried to buy more time (and control) by lashing out. He didn't make a decision. This was about him, not his wife or me.

 

I told his wife. Calmly and honestly, with her dictating what she was told and my feelings about him being left out of it. She deserved to know the truth to make her own choices.

 

Thank you for sharing that. It's helpful to see other perspectives, to know other outcomes and stories.

[wrinkledforhead]

That explains a lot.

 

I can imagine that it must be difficult to read some of the responses we're giving you.

In your position I'm sure I'd be thinking "but you people don't know him like I do". That's true, we don't. But there's more than a grain of truth in the old saying that love is blind. And as an objective bystander I really am struggling with this situation.

 

I understand that you don't want to let him go. I'm curious why you don't think you're entitled to demand he leaves her. Because I think after all that's gone on between you, and his promise to leave her which he's broken, I think you have every right to tell him that you will no longer be a part of this.

 

Yes, some of its painful (where there is truth), some of it is overly harsh, some of it doesn't even come close to applying. I'm getting what I need from most of you though: guidance, perspective, experiences I haven't had, support.

 

I don't demand that he do anything for me, more for himself. He's the one that makes this choice. I do have the right to demand his commitment, and he can't give that to me. We both know that's what I deserve as a person, and how unfair the situation remains with its current context.

[letmoc]

I relate to your story very much. I was involved for a year with a man who had a live in girlfriend. They are not married and share no mutal property or children. He is older than me and she is older than him, by a lot. Long story short he said he was ready to leave and he fell in love with me, but he went back and forth like your guy is. I couldn't take it anymore so I walked away. The truth is if he loved you like he claimed he would have walked away by now. He is a coward and after awhile that chips away at your love for him. You seem like a smart girl and I can't see you staying much longer.

[wrinkledforhead]

I am curious, where did you meet this man? The story as I've read it (and please correct if wrong):

 

- you are 29, met a man age 49, approx 5 months ago. he has a long term GF of 15 years whom he doesnt live with.

 

- you started physical/emotional affair. 5 months in he decides he is leaving his GF. He allegedly tells her, and she begs him to stay, he is currently flip flopping between the 2 of you. Spending nights with her, then nights with you. He claims he does not have sex with GF. He claims he has not been happy in 10 years but hasnt been able to leave. He claims he has cheated on her 3 times in 15 years.

 

- you and he are "soul mates", best friends, laugh and cry togetehr. He brings gifts to your children and has developed a relationship with them as well. (how old may I ask?) This part is most disturbing to me.

 

- Current situation is he is with his GF and hopes to leave in the future, but it is hard for him, and you are in Low Contact (which means you talk and see each other and are intimate, just not the extent as previously)

 

Any way I look at it, I just cant see how this doesnt amount to him stringing you along, prolonging the Affair dynamic. There is nothing keeping him with her (ie shared home, children, legal marriage). People end relationships all the time. You admit he loves her. That enough should not be someothing you tolerate (being with a man who loves another woman)

 

We met at my work. He was a regular. We clicked instantly but did not exchanged any contact info for 3 months. Hes cheated on her once besides our A. He claims being happily unhappy, which means he was mostly satisfied but realizes their relationship lacked and suppressed some things he desires. Their sexual intimacy stopped when we started sleeping together and I do know this as fact.

 

He doesn't have a relationship with my kids. He's spent maybe 3 hours total with the children. The bond there is not strong, but they've been introduced. They are 3 and almost 6. Introducing my children to people I date or having a connection formed there is NOT something I do lightly, and we both know its best for them to especially guard that in this R.

 

I never claimed soul mates. I don't actually believe in them.

 

Our LC involves minimal texting, infrequent phone calls, and no physical contact. It's only been one day but he respects and understands my request for it, and why.

Edited September 4, 2013 by wrinkledforhead

[wrinkledforhead]

Their sexual intimacy stopped when we started sleeping together and I do know this as fact.

 

How did you come to know this as a fact?

 

Psychological.

 

He could not perform with me while they were still intimate. We were close quite a few times but it just couldn't happen. He's not had a problem with it after that part stopped happening. They had sex once a week prior to our A. She has a low libido and didnt ask for it for some time after he and I became sexually intimate. She didnt miss it for about 4 weeks before she asked what was up.

[jlola]

We met at my work. He was a regular. We clicked instantly but did not exchanged any contact info for 3 months. Hes cheated on her once besides our A. He claims being happily unhappy, which means he was mostly satisfied but realizes their relationship lacked and suppressed some things he desires. Their sexual intimacy stopped when we started sleeping together and I do know this as fact.

 

He doesn't have a relationship with my kids. He's spent maybe 3 hours total with the children. The bond there is not strong, but they've been introduced. They are 3 and almost 6. Introducing my children to people I date or having a connection formed there is NOT something I do lightly, and we both know its best for them to especially guard that in this R.

 

I never claimed soul mates. I don't actually believe in them.

 

Our LC involves minimal texting, infrequent phone calls, and no physical contact. It's only been one day but he respects and understands my request for it, and why.

 

 

Perhaps he is a serial monogamous. But also sounds to me he is the type who likes to play knight saving damsel. Seems he did that for wife also.

[fanine]

Psychological.

 

He could not perform with me while they were still intimate. We were close quite a few times but it just couldn't happen. He's not had a problem with it after that part stopped happening. They had sex once a week prior to our A. She has a low libido and didnt ask for it for some time after he and I became sexually intimate. She didnt miss it for about 4 weeks before she asked what was up.

 

And how do you know that for a fact?

[Calcmag]

Psychological.

 

He could not perform with me while they were still intimate. We were close quite a few times but it just couldn't happen. He's not had a problem with it after that part stopped happening. They had sex once a week prior to our A. She has a low libido and didnt ask for it for some time after he and I became sexually intimate. She didnt miss it for about 4 weeks before she asked what was up.

 

Isn't it possible that his visit to the urologist was the reason he could perform again, rather than he'd stopped with her? Or perhaps like most men his age, he had a little anxiety with a new partner which stopped it from happening. As he got to know you better his anxiety would likely reduce. I'm a little older than him and have plenty of experience of sex with men in their mid to late 40's. They often have more issues with anxiety than even do younger guys. Plus he had the added bonus of you being so much younger. While many would think that would enhance his performance, IMO the first few times, it would certainly make him even more anxious having a hot young woman in his bed.

 

I'm curious how you know so much about another woman's sex drive and desire for partner sex. Have you done lots of reading around in this particular part of the forum? I would highly recommend it to you. Most of go into affairs being rather naive and wanting to believe the stories we're told about the primary relationship. You wouldn't be alone in that.

[Calcmag]

Perhaps he is a serial monogamous. But also sounds to me he is the type who likes to play knight saving damsel. Seems he did that for wife also.

 

He doesn't have a wife. That we know of, at least. Although with this one, nothing would surprise me.

[wrinkledforhead]

Isn't it possible that his visit to the urologist was the reason he could perform again, rather than he'd stopped with her? Or perhaps like most men his age, he had a little anxiety with a new partner which stopped it from happening. As he got to know you better his anxiety would likely reduce. I'm a little older than him and have plenty of experience of sex with men in their mid to late 40's. They often have more issues with anxiety than even do younger guys. Plus he had the added bonus of you being so much younger. While many would think that would enhance his performance, IMO the first few times, it would certainly make him even more anxious having a hot young woman in his bed.

 

I'm curious how you know so much about another woman's sex drive and desire for partner sex. Have you done lots of reading around in this particular part of the forum? I would highly recommend it to you. Most of go into affairs being rather naive and wanting to believe the stories we're told about the primary relationship. You wouldn't be alone in that.

 

The urologist visit was for a check up, a follow up to his "ED" lie, and occurred about 2 mos ago. He had this problem even in his 20s. It could be anxiety. I acknowledge that I *could* be being lied to. I choose to believe him. Hes not yet given me a reason not to. We've openly (and sometimes painfully) discussed our sexual histories.

 

Which particular part of the forum would you like me to read?

[wrinkledforhead]

Perhaps he is a serial monogamous. But also sounds to me he is the type who likes to play knight saving damsel. Seems he did that for wife also.

 

Yes, I could agree with this, both parts. Although, I'm not exactly a damsel. Lol. Sometimes I do need being saved. I laugh because I'm often fierce and stubborn and reject saving by a man. I was a successful single person for quite some time.

[jlola]

Yes, I could agree with this, both parts. Although, I'm not exactly a damsel. Lol. Sometimes I do need being saved. I laugh because I'm often fierce and stubborn and reject saving by a man. I was a successful single person for quite some time.

 

 

I have noticed quite a few of the OW on this board are having affairs with older men. Interesting.

 

And though I did not think of this in my 20's in my 30's I think big age gaps can be a problem as age begins to settle in.

 

Though you may be in limerence now, or at the "honeymoon" stage of the relationship and cannot imagine this. when you are 50 and he is 70, there may be health and sexual issues which may be difficult to deal with. Imagine MM right now with a woman who is 70. Would he be able to handle her health issues if she had any? I know most of the "older" women in my family are much healthier than the older men. I hear that is common. Just something to think about.

[wrinkledforhead]

I have noticed quite a few of the OW on this board are having affairs with older men. Interesting.

 

And though I did not think of this in my 20's in my 30's I think big age gaps can be a problem as age begins to settle in.

 

Though you may be in limerence now, or at the "honeymoon" stage of the relationship and cannot imagine this. when you are 50 and he is 70, there may be health and sexual issues which may be difficult to deal with. Imagine MM right now with a woman who is 70. Would he be able to handle her health issues if she had any? I know most of the "older" women in my family are much healthier than the older men. I hear that is common. Just something to think about.

 

From what I've read, age gaps seem more common in affairs than in non affair relationships. Common theme.

 

We actually have discussed the age gap and what that means as far as future health and sexual health, even.

[bentleychic]

Mine is 10 years older and I told him once he can no longer perform, I'm kicking his arse out the door.

[KentuckyGent]

A positively ****ty thing to say Bentley. I hope it was a joke. Whoever mentioned that we men in our mid 40s do sometimes have some. . . AHEM!!. . . "issues" speaks the truth. The last thing we'd want to hear would be what you told your man.

[xxoo]

The urologist visit was for a check up, a follow up to his "ED" lie, and occurred about 2 mos ago. He had this problem even in his 20s. It could be anxiety. I acknowledge that I *could* be being lied to. I choose to believe him. Hes not yet given me a reason not to. We've openly (and sometimes painfully) discussed our sexual histories.

 

Which particular part of the forum would you like me to read?

 

Men in affairs do lie about this a lot.

 

He may truly be having ED problems, but that doesn't preclude sexual activity by any means. If they share a bed, at least sometimes, chances are there is sexual activity.

[thefooloftheyear]

A positively ****ty thing to say Bentley. I hope it was a joke. Whoever mentioned that we men in our mid 40s do sometimes have some. . . AHEM!!. . . "issues" speaks the truth. The last thing we'd want to hear would be what you told your man.

 

Speak for yourself!!

 

TFY

[jlola]

From what I've read, age gaps seem more common in affairs than in non affair relationships. Common theme.

 

We actually have discussed the age gap and what that means as far as future health and sexual health, even.

 

 

I wonder why it is so common. It also seems OW in affairs put up with much more pain, baggage and issues than they would if the man was single.

 

I think validation and over the top romance from older men is very attractive to certain women. I think many OW get addicted to this sort of validation and are bored with single men who are not so over the top.

 

Thing with single men is, if they are not toxic they usually will take things slow. LOVE BOMBING ESPECIALLY INITIALLY IS SEEN AS A RED FLAG. MANY SINGLE MEN WHO HAVE THEIR ACTS TOGETHER WILL NOT USE EXCESSIVE FLATTERY, BOND SLOWLY AND REALLY LOOK FOR RED FLAGS ALSO TO SEE IF YOU ARE compatible and what they seek. They wnt to know you and not the "fantasy,honeymoon stage version". This is why they may seem boring.

 

I have been in relationships where it was over the top romance, flattery ,declarations of love and soulmate. I really thought those were "normal" relationships because that is what movies portray. Longing, stolen moments, romance talk, talk of future and children, etc.

 

When a man was not willing to give those things to me initially, within a month at least, I thought they were not interested.

 

Now that I have my head together, I move slowly when it comes to allowing myself to fall in love. I am much more careful in declaring love. Because I know as soon as those words come out, if you have 2 needy people. the relationship is out the gate. And before you know it you two are soulmates,ith rose colored glasses on so tight, no matter how many red flags are in the way, you cannot see them.

[bentleychic]

A positively ****ty thing to say Bentley. I hope it was a joke. Whoever mentioned that we men in our mid 40s do sometimes have some. . . AHEM!!. . . "issues" speaks the truth. The last thing we'd want to hear would be what you told your man.

 

Oh hon, we joke ALL of the time, about everything. Just to give you an idea, I also told him when he's old and can't clean his own bum, I'll hire a hot nurse. He said yeah, that'd be awesome. I said a hot MALE nurse so I can enjoy the view.

 

And my guy has NO problems in the performance area. At all. I'm pretty sure he could go 24/7 if we had enough time to.

[KentuckyGent]

Ok glad you were joking. I was starting to feel bad for the guy.