Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 I am starting to get the feeling this may not be his first rodeo. He's had one three day physical affair in their relationship, 4 years ago. He and she met in the middle of her marriage and had an affair for a few years before she left her husband for him.
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 How did that work out with him? Can I ask for clarification on the question?
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 I misunderstood... you mean the woman he is currently leaving was married when they started their relationship... or the woman he had the brief affair with? The woman he is currently with. He says ten years ago he wanted to leave her. They split. He says she fell apart and part of him felt obligated to stay with her for a few years because he felt responsible for their split. And part of him has always resented her for it. But he did derive pleasure from it, obviously. Who wants to be alone?
fanine Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 The woman he is currently with. He says ten years ago he wanted to leave her. They split. He says she fell apart and part of him felt obligated to stay with her for a few years because he felt responsible for their split. And part of him has always resented her for it. But he did derive pleasure from it, obviously. Who wants to be alone? If someone wants to leave. They will leave. I left my husband after 9 years. Nothing bad happened, I just did not feel happy in the situation. It was tough, I felt bad hurting my ex, he was very upset. But I knew I had to move on. I did not want to get that unhappy I would end up cheating on him or something. And what is so wrong in being alone? I was 39, no kids.....giving up my last chance probably to have kids. But the marriage didn't feel right. I was happier being alone even though dating is not easy. 1
happy stillmore Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 AF, I soooo feel your pain. My xMM said goodbye after one year, after D day. He said he had to give his M another try for his wife's sake. After two months, he contacted me after I was strict NC. He said he was miserable without me,blah blah. I believed him. I thought this was the real deal. tor two more years, we planned our futures. He still lived at home for financial reasons. (Questionable now in my mind) Memorial day weekend, I got fed up with his lack of texting due to him running errands with his wife. That was it. I had it. It became apparent to me he was more afraid to hurt his wife's feelings than mine. He was acting like a good husbnd. He wasn't able to leave the house alone or text in front of the family. I was fed up with being second and seeing no progress towards our future. I now see the true wimp he was. I wish I knew the whole truth. Was he playing me all along or did he truly love me but living in fantasy land? I will never know. I wish I could give you a hug. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a pain that can't be described. I can honestly say I have never been hurt like this in my life. I am getting through this and you will too. You will learn how strong you actually are. I have learned that I was putting all of my hopes and dreams into this one man. I know I deserve so much better than him. He was a man living off of his wife's salary, has a lot of debt, has three girls who are somewhat spoiled and a manipulative, co-dependent wife. On top of that, he is a spineless jellyfish who was all talk, no action. A boy whose wife does everything for him. Big L like in Loser! But why did I love him so?!!! I was crushed and devastated. I have come to realize things have a way of working out the way they should. In time, you will be removed from this situation and see there are so many options. This man is not the only man out there. There are better men who are free to love you as you deserve. No more of this wishy-way crap. I hope you are happy down the road. You are definitely not alone. 3
Calcmag Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 AF, I soooo feel your pain. My xMM said goodbye after one year, after D day. He said he had to give his M another try for his wife's sake. After two months, he contacted me after I was strict NC. He said he was miserable without me,blah blah. I believed him. I thought this was the real deal. tor two more years, we planned our futures. He still lived at home for financial reasons. (Questionable now in my mind) Memorial day weekend, I got fed up with his lack of texting due to him running errands with his wife. That was it. I had it. It became apparent to me he was more afraid to hurt his wife's feelings than mine. He was acting like a good husbnd. He wasn't able to leave the house alone or text in front of the family. I was fed up with being second and seeing no progress towards our future. I now see the true wimp he was. I wish I knew the whole truth. Was he playing me all along or did he truly love me but living in fantasy land? I will never know. I wish I could give you a hug. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a pain that can't be described. I can honestly say I have never been hurt like this in my life. I am getting through this and you will too. You will learn how strong you actually are. I have learned that I was putting all of my hopes and dreams into this one man. I know I deserve so much better than him. He was a man living off of his wife's salary, has a lot of debt, has three girls who are somewhat spoiled and a manipulative, co-dependent wife. On top of that, he is a spineless jellyfish who was all talk, no action. A boy whose wife does everything for him. Big L like in Loser! But why did I love him so?!!! I was crushed and devastated. I have come to realize things have a way of working out the way they should. In time, you will be removed from this situation and see there are so many options. This man is not the only man out there. There are better men who are free to love you as you deserve. No more of this wishy-way crap. I hope you are happy down the road. You are definitely not alone. Much here similar to my scenario. In our case there was never a D day. exMOM's wife eventually divorced him for other reasons.
fanine Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 It is horrible and tough. Everyone's situation is different, but the pain is felt the same. Take care of yourself as much as you can x
happy stillmore Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Calcmag, Stinks, doesn't it? I wished his wife would have divorced him. She put up with so much. I don't know why she didn't. He saw it as love for him. When I gave an ultimatum, he said his wife would never leave him. That is true. She was physically ill with fear of being alone. She would have stalked him. Told me nobody could love or care for him like she did. Never talked about how he hurt her. It was easier for him and her to act like I didn't exist. The absurdity of it all is hitting me now. I wish everyone can read these forums before entering a relationship with a MM or MW. There are so many angles or dilemma to deal with. Nobody gets a straight answer because of all o the deception. I think he wasn't used to dealing with a strong woman. He thought I'd be a doormat like his wife. It helps to think of all of the negatives. It helps to put things in perspective. 2
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 Calcmag, Stinks, doesn't it? I wished his wife would have divorced him. She put up with so much. I don't know why she didn't. He saw it as love for him. When I gave an ultimatum, he said his wife would never leave him. That is true. She was physically ill with fear of being alone. She would have stalked him. Told me nobody could love or care for him like she did. Never talked about how he hurt her. It was easier for him and her to act like I didn't exist. The absurdity of it all is hitting me now. I wish everyone can read these forums before entering a relationship with a MM or MW. There are so many angles or dilemma to deal with. Nobody gets a straight answer because of all o the deception. I think he wasn't used to dealing with a strong woman. He thought I'd be a doormat like his wife. It helps to think of all of the negatives. It helps to put things in perspective. Yes. All of this.
Speakingofwhich Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Wrinkled, I'm so sorry you are going through this! This man won't be happy to go back into that situation as he was planning for months to leave it. It seems he may be a very confused person. Also, exemplified possibly by the fact that he didn't commit to marry this woman but lived separately from her for many years? Stay strong when you talk with him. Strong and calm. He will see the difference between the two of you. People are drawn toward strength.
2sunny Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 What are his actions since Fri - that is causing you to feel he's not following through?
SidLyon Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Has he told her about you? If he can't be honest about why he is ending with her, then he can't be honest... What does he tell you about her reactions? Often there's a script that goes something like; I can't leave because she will fall apart, I will lose finances, the relatives will hate me (given there are no kids), she's threatening to kill herself. All the while he's begging her to stay and let him stay. And yes it defies logic given he was hell bent on leaving; and yes I've lived it myself.
Speakingofwhich Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I will lose finances, the relatives will hate me (given there are no kids), she's threatening to kill herself. All the while he's begging her to stay and let him stay. . The aren't married and live separately.
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Wrinkled, I'm so sorry you are going through this! This man won't be happy to go back into that situation as he was planning for months to leave it. It seems he may be a very confused person. Also, exemplified possibly by the fact that he didn't commit to marry this woman but lived separately from her for many years? Stay strong when you talk with him. Strong and calm. He will see the difference between the two of you. People are drawn toward strength. I'm confused. He's a mess. I'm a mess. It's been a hellish day. I have no strength right now.
SidLyon Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 The aren't married and live separately. I'm aware of this, but can't see how that answers my questions. Unless of course you already know they don't share any finances, don't consider each other's family as if they are their own, and haven't considered themselves to be a couple up until now. By the way I lived separately from a long-term partner but we still did all of the above.
Speakingofwhich Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 You are in my prayers, Wrinkled. I hope that you can get some rest somehow. Would a long hot soak help? Put epsom salt in your bath if you decide to soak as your body will absorb the magnesium in epsom salt which will help relax you. (((((Wrinkled))))) Do you have family or a very close female friend close by and can any of them get to you to be with you, listen to you and comfort you?
bentleychic Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Continuing to keep you in my thoughts, Wrinkled. I think that is probably all of our worst fears, those of us that want future with our MM/MW, that they'll get that close and then back down from making it happen. Wishing you only the best.
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 You are in my prayers, Wrinkled. I hope that you can get some rest somehow. Would a long hot soak help? Put epsom salt in your bath if you decide to soak as your body will absorb the magnesium in epsom salt which will help relax you. (((((Wrinkled))))) Do you have family or a very close female friend close by and can any of them get to you to be with you, listen to you and comfort you? I don't. I don't have anyone close. My best friend just had a miscarriage yesterday. I lost my other closest friend over the summer. I'm very much alone in this. I don't know how to maintain. I have a job. Two. I have a full time class load. Two kids. I don't know how to wake up tomorrow and do everything in this kind of pain.
happy stillmore Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Wrinkled, You are amazing! To be able to do all you are in your life. You sound like me before last spring. Except I only had a part time class load. What I have learned is don't forget about you. It is easy with all of the stress for you to forget yourself, just exist. That was me. That is why I let myself be strong along for the last two years. I was going to school. When I graduated, I looked forward to spending time with my love in my new found free time. In turned out, he wasn't making the changes to allow us to spend this time. That is why I ended it. Anyway, I forgot myself during that hectic time of my life. I was able to not dwell on the limited time I saw my xMM. I didn't put the demands on him. When I did, he took the safe road. My hopes and dreams were with him. Needless to say, I was crushed. But, I began to realize I can be happy by myself no matter what. Try doing things just for you that you enjoy. I did yoga for awhile. (I need to get back into that.) I know your time is limited but try to take moments and deep breaths, meditate. Center yourself. I am feeling your sadness like it is my own. I've been there. I keep telling myself: True love would not accept a life without each other in it. 1
bentleychic Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Oh honey. I really try not to share too much of my true personal self here, but you are one of the few that I've felt like I would love to reach through the screen and just comfort you. So very sorry. We need a AA...affairs anonymous...where we can comfort each other in real life. *sigh*
happy stillmore Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Oh! Try to look at the whole picture. It is easy to feel like you are in a tunnel, like there is no light out of this darkness. Look at your overall life. You are going farther in your life. You are a woman who commits to do something and then does it! I'm not sure we can say that about your partner. He is settling if he does not go with his heart. 1
2sunny Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 It is time for you to take care of you. Focus on what keeps you busy so you don't have time to think about what he is or isn't doing. Stay balanced - and happy each day!
SidLyon Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 It makes my blood boil to see this. Here we have a case of a partnered man, now met his soulmate, who is not married (so no divorce necessary), lives separately (so possibly no houses or finances to sort out), no kids (to be devastated) and no sex (for 2 years is it?), yet still he is wavering about leaving his long-term partner when it comes to the crunch. Seems to be a textbook case of a good reason for not getting involved with partnered men. It's almost too textbook to be real, but my sympathy goes out to both women. 4
Speakingofwhich Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 (((((Wrinkled, I will be praying for you through the night. You are going through such a hard time. Just rest knowing that comfort will come to you as you are prayed for. I believe others here will be thinking of you, too. Know that you have a band of sisters here who are with you in their hearts tonight! And God is with you, dear Wrinkled.))))) "Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limit.The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:5, Psalm 34:18; Psalm 147:3 He truly does this as He has done and is doing for me. 1
2sunny Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 It makes my blood boil to see this. Here we have a case of a partnered man, now met his soulmate, who is not married (so no divorce necessary), lives separately (so possibly no houses or finances to sort out), no kids (to be devastated) and no sex (for 2 years is it?), yet still he is wavering about leaving his long-term partner when it comes to the crunch. Seems to be a textbook case of a good reason for not getting involved with partnered men. It's almost too textbook to be real, but my sympathy goes out to both women. It's hard to know IF he's wavering or what he is doing since he's not reaching out to reassure wrinkled that its over with his long term GF - but it seems IF he cut the tie and was moving forward he wouldn't just leave her wondering what's really going on the past three days. It's cruel of him - and frankly - even if he did leave, just the way he's not considered how she must be feeling the past 4 days is just terrible! IF he's staying with the GF - what's so hard about just being honest! And IF he's leaving the GF - what's so hard about letting her know its done, over and finished? And IF he intended to leave - but is caught in the middle and stuck now - why not just say so? I'm not diggin' the way he's handling adversity. Going silent is not the way to show loving behavior. 2
Recommended Posts