psm04 Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I've been thinking of all the things about my xOMM that would have bothered me if he and I were actually together. I've also been thinking about all the good qualities in my H that xOMM doesn't have. I thought I'd journal them here. Things about xOMM that would have annoyed me: - He is pretty negative, and is always worried about something, be it necessary or not. This would have brought me down - He cares about himself and what he gets out of something more than anything else, except for when it comes to his kids. He complains about a lot of things, and speaks with an 'entitled' attitude sometimes - He might say caring words, and contribute to charities, but I bet he won't actually do something to help someone in his life, other than immediate family. Even if he does help, he'll probably grumble about it. - He goes on about the same stuff over and over, but doesn't seem motivated to change things - He seems to have a fragile ego, that needs to be fed constantly Plus many more I'm sure.. Things about my H that I should have appreciated more: - He is a genuinely caring person. He cares about everyone's best interests - He helps people with no expectation of anything in return. He does it because he is a good friend and a good person - He is a positive and optimistic person (which does get a little annoying sometimes lol) - He is my rock when I'm down. - He doesn't complain about things. He is very easy going and accommodating - He hasn't given up on our marriage. He isn't floating along. We discuss our issues. - He never does and never will talk bad about me or my family to others - He has no ego issues Plus many more.. My marriage has issues, and I have my really bad days with him, but that doesn't change any of the above, or his core values. The issues are for another post (probably in the Marriage section), but none of it justifies what I did. I can't believe I have been risking losing him for over 2 years now. I'd love to see similar lists from others, about their AP and/or their significant others. This has actually helped me get out of my funk today. 1
Silly_Girl Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 He was incredibly *careful* with his pennies. I find that infuriating 2
bentleychic Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Mine is still a current AP/MM. The one major thing that I have a hard time dealing with is that he shuts down/shuts people out when he gets really stressed/upset. I know this is his coping mechanism, but I'm the total opposite and it definitely causes issues. He is not great about keeping his personal life organized. He's fabulous with it at work, but forgets dates/commitments in personal life easily. (This is not regarding me, either, ftr, but I know it's something that may irritate me long term if we end up together.) He really is a great guy. I do see/know his negatives and I'm fully aware of them, but those are the two things that I think will grate on my nerves some long term. The first is the biggest, though. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 He was incredibly *careful* with his pennies. I find that infuriating I need to get my eyes checked..... My marriage has issues, and I have my really bad days with him, but that doesn't change any of the above, or his core values. The issues are for another post (probably in the Marriage section), but none of it justifies what I did. I can't believe I have been risking losing him for over 2 years now. Fantastic idea for a thread and I'm glad that it's helping you. 2
Lostinlife4now Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 His EGO....... His CHEAPNESS.....and he is/was making GREAT money.....$400,000 range...... His need to be right ALL THE TIME...... His NARCISSISTIC ways........ Him having NO real friends bothered me....... His shallowness in the beauty of people. If you were not up to his standards of how you were supposed to look in his eyes...He thought you were nothing......TOO SHALLOW FOR ME...... Shall I go on................. 1
LilGirlandOW Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 My MM is a clean freak. I like things tidy, he loves things polished and sparkling. 1
MissBee Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 The one major thing that I have a hard time dealing with is that he shuts down/shuts people out when he gets really stressed/upset. I know this is his coping mechanism, but I'm the total opposite and it definitely causes issues. Yes, my exAP was similar and I hated that, but I brought it up with him and asked about his gf and if he did that to her and he said it wasn't the same....essentially the A element (and LD) made it worse, in that he subconsciously admitted that he could easier shut me out and not talk to me for a while because of his "stress" because of our situation, whereas with a "normal gf" he'd probably make more effort not to do that...that's what he was basically saying but I think he felt he put his foot in his mouth and tried to backtrack. I also wouldn't have been able to deal with his friends' over-dependence on him for everything under the sun. Example: he was often on conference calls with friends and their gfs "counseling" them, often said friend was cheating or doing something wayward in the first place..... He would then get stressed out about their problems and acted like it was his job to solve and when I would point out it was not he would say maybe not, but he can't help how he feels and he HAS to be all entangled in their drama smh. HATED that and it showed me that he has boundary issues in general and I wouldn't have wanted a bf/husband whose friends relied on him for everything and who was constantly stressed out by other people's relationship and other issues. 1
Feb Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 PSM -- I'm pretty sure we had an A with the same man, LOL. My xMM was also negative and could never see hope in everything. My H is also like yours.What was interesting is that my xMM didn't start out that way. We were co-workers and when we first met, he was so emotionally strong, helpful, generous, and positive. We worked with so many whiny, complaining people, xMM really stood out. As time went on, he turned into all the traits you described below. In the second year of our A, I even mentioned that he seemed to change as a person and described how he was when I first met him. Of course his reply was that so many horrible circumstances happened in his life it really beat him down. I fed right into that, and tried even harder to make him happy. Looking back, I wonder if he was really that positive person that changed because life was so hard on him, or if he was always that negative guy starving for ego-feeds -- it's just that he hid all that while he was pursuing me. Your post is interesting because during our A, I often thought about that -- my my future faking, I wondered how I would handle my xAP when every single thing in life was a huge personal tragedy in his eyes. It would have worn on me very quickly. 1
Feb Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Mine is still a current AP/MM. The one major thing that I have a hard time dealing with is that he shuts down/shuts people out when he gets really stressed/upset. I know this is his coping mechanism, but I'm the total opposite and it definitely causes issues. Ah, another similarity! One of things I loved about my xAP was that he would always SAY he was all about "Open communication and sharing our feelings and problems in an R". He had all the right words and catch-phrases on great communication, and I ate up all of it. When it came down to it, he totally shut down in times of stress. He'd go from texting me every hour to no texts, emails, or phone calls for 3 or 4 days, even after I reached out to him to ask if everything is ok. He attributed it to the enormous amount of stress. I asked about "open communication and sharing", and he got very defensive and said I didn't understand his stress. I really became aggravated when he said, "I won't apologize to you about the problems I have in my life under which I have no control". I said I was not looking for an apology for his problems, just for not contacting me and shutting me out when we agreed to always share and be open. In m post-A analysis, I don't know if he was really a shutdown kind of guy, or he was trying to dump me in his own way. Don't care either way, but glad all those feelings of angst are over! 1
fanine Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 What would have annoyed me? Being on tender hooks all the time thinking, well if he could have cheated on his wife and was able to lie so well, that he would treat me like he had treated his wife...and would get another OW to replace me..... 3
BrokenPrincess Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 FOOTBALL OBSESSION!!! At least in my A, he wasn't my primary companion on the weekends. I think it would've gotten real old real fast to have him completely check out for an entire day every single weekend of the season! Also, on a deeper note, I would be concerned as to whether his feelings of not being appreciated were just a circumstance of what his 20year marriage has settled into, or if that's a deeper void engrained in his personality that I would also eventually fail to satisfy. 1
Red Wolverine Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 As realistic as I am about who xMM is and that our relationship is over, I wouldn't have changed anything about him. I loved everything about him. Little quirks or preferences are what made him who he was. His marital status was the only thing I would have changed. Even if that changed, there are now too many things to ever get past. 2
Lostinlife4now Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Not shallow! Perhaps highly insecure. Inferiority complex. Shallow, insecure, inferiority complex..... How can he have been all of these things when he is climbing the corporate ladder to becoming CEO. He thinks HE IS THE BEST AT EVERYTHING HE DOES!!!!!!! Big EGO...... Thoughts?
thefooloftheyear Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 She was unbelievable controlling...Blowingv up my phone constantly...If I was at the gym, shed call me 16 times....No, Im NOT kidding...It went from..."Hi babe, whats happening? "..to "Where the fucck are you, dammit":laugh: ..all within the course of an hour..Hot and cold,..Very insecure.. But, TBH...I wonder how much of this might have been different if there werent conditions involved...She was a hell of a cook and can be a wonderful person when you caught her in the right frame of mind.. Eh...I dont hate her...Its sad...quite frankly...Who knows what might have been if things were different. *shrug*I wish her all the best...If she was ever in trouble, id help her.. I dont blame anyone..We all had our part.. TFY 2
fanine Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 She was unbelievable controlling...Blowingv up my phone constantly...If I was at the gym, shed call me 16 times....No, Im NOT kidding...It went from..."Hi babe, whats happening? "..to "Where the fucck are you, dammit":laugh: ..all within the course of an hour..Hot and cold,..Very insecure.. But, TBH...I wonder how much of this might have been different if there werent conditions involved...She was a hell of a cook and can be a wonderful person when you caught her in the right frame of mind.. Eh...I dont hate her...Its sad...quite frankly...Who knows what might have been if things were different. *shrug*I wish her all the best...If she was ever in trouble, id help her.. I dont blame anyone..We all had our part.. TFY This whole blowing up the phone thing seems to be quite common with MM and MW. My ex used to go into complete panic mode if I didn't answer a text or return a call within about ten mins. A stream of texts or calls until we spoke. I used to find it bizarre really as I had always felt I was the insecure one in it all. But he would exhibit insecure traits whenever he felt I had gone. He was never angry, just panicked.. 1
Speakingofwhich Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Shallow, insecure, inferiority complex..... How can he have been all of these things when he is climbing the corporate ladder to becoming CEO. He thinks HE IS THE BEST AT EVERYTHING HE DOES!!!!!!! Big EGO...... Thoughts? Is it possible he has to/must believe he is the best of everything he does because somewhere deep inside of him he believes he isn't worthy unless he is top dog? It is one thing to do things better than any else because you love a job well done and in the process advance through your career and end up as CEO. It is quite another thing when recognition for doing that thing becomes the goal; i.e. to have a need to be CEO. Or to be doing everything it take for the sole purpose of being awarded the top designation in your field. 1
Daisy2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Funny. Now that I am out of the fog, what I remember thinking that were negatives are: -somewhat narcissistic, only what he wanted counted and is also evident in his marriage; -neat freak, and he's an engineer and very detail oriented. I'm whimsical according to my best friend and live in the moment; -not a vegetarian, but not a meat eater (I am); -weak, for the 2 years we were together, he constantly complained how miserable he was is several aspects of life and mentioned things he needed to do/wanted to do. He never did any of it or fixed any of it; -looks at women (duh!), said he hd trouble in that area, once asked me if I had trouble not looking at other men. I never looked at other men, in fact, don't even notice them. I've been married 15 years and never looked at another until he made his moves; -liar and a cheater, I have been unhappy for years living as a single person within a marriage with a partner who does his own thing and doesn't care what I do, I fell for him bc of him saying he was unhappy. I thought we'd found each other, otherwise, I wouldn't have strayed; -self-righteous; -justifies hurting me by saying that we had discussed in the past how someone would eventually get hurt in this relationship and it would likely be me. Seems petty to pick him apart, but this is what I've done to help me heal. Strangely, none of this bothered me in the fog, it was okay. That damn drug! 1
Speakingofwhich Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 He was well aware that his overindulgence with his children would be a problem for us. Is one of the things he's dealing with in IC. Other than that he's perfect! Using great discipline I have just deleted two lengthy paragraphs showcasing his perfection as that is not what this thread is about. Btw, we are now XAPs. 1
Author psm04 Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 Don't take this personally, but many women are attracted to the bad guys and not attracted to the good guys. The reason is quite simple: The bad guys give you something the good guys don't give you. Bad guys validate women in need much better than the good guys. Why? Because the bad guys are cunning, smooth, manipulative, and can play women in need of external validation. A beer will not give you the same high as a shot of cocaine even if you know cocaine is very bad for you. If a beer is not good enough for you, then cocaine becomes attractive. Women that do not need external validation do exceedingly well with the good guys because they are happy on their own. Women that need that extra "something" eventually become unhappy. Not taking it personally. You are right in some ways. My H is too good of a guy, and I know that it has bored me in the past. XOMM isn't a 'bad guy' though. I mean, when he was younger, he was, from what I've heard. One of the things that I've realized through therapy and this A is that I'm in control of my own happiness. I used to never be satisfied, which was probably one of the reasons I was drawn into the affair, but I know now that I can't rely on someone else to make me happy. Not my H, not another man. It is under my control, and if I can find satisfaction , then I think I could be happier in my M. I'm still not completely there as far as making myself happy, but I'm trying!
Author psm04 Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 Also, on a deeper note, I would be concerned as to whether his feelings of not being appreciated were just a circumstance of what his 20year marriage has settled into, or if that's a deeper void engrained in his personality that I would also eventually fail to satisfy. I have thought about this also, not just in his case but for myself too (whether anyone could truly make me happy until I made myself happy)
Goodbye Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 He is a procrastinator and puts stuff off. He did this in our previous relationship, although it was okay at the time. Now that I have 3 kids, I don't enjoy putting off important house projects or getting stuff that needs to get done finished. Kind of like he kept putting off getting a divorce...ha. 1
bentleychic Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Ah, another similarity! One of things I loved about my xAP was that he would always SAY he was all about "Open communication and sharing our feelings and problems in an R". He had all the right words and catch-phrases on great communication, and I ate up all of it. When it came down to it, he totally shut down in times of stress. He'd go from texting me every hour to no texts, emails, or phone calls for 3 or 4 days, even after I reached out to him to ask if everything is ok. He attributed it to the enormous amount of stress. I asked about "open communication and sharing", and he got very defensive and said I didn't understand his stress. I really became aggravated when he said, "I won't apologize to you about the problems I have in my life under which I have no control". I said I was not looking for an apology for his problems, just for not contacting me and shutting me out when we agreed to always share and be open. In m post-A analysis, I don't know if he was really a shutdown kind of guy, or he was trying to dump me in his own way. Don't care either way, but glad all those feelings of angst are over! Oh that would not fly with me. Lol Daily communication is non-negotiatable. Even when he was in the hospital, he was in contact daily in some way. He gets quieter when he gets stressed, but closing me out completely will cause me to walk and I've made that known numerous times. You don't ignore someone that you love so if you don't mean it, wall away. If you mean it, show me in actions, not words.
Feb Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Oh that would not fly with me. Lol Daily communication is non-negotiatable. Even when he was in the hospital, he was in contact daily in some way. He gets quieter when he gets stressed, but closing me out completely will cause me to walk and I've made that known numerous times. You don't ignore someone that you love so if you don't mean it, wall away. If you mean it, show me in actions, not words. So true. I told xAP how much it hurt me when he did that, and it was a "non-negotiable" for me as well. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry and won't do it again", he said "I'll keep that in mind." Then he did it again two weeks later. This was his way of dumping me, but at the time I was in the affair fog, so I begged him to contact me again, and sent some crazy, emotional texts that I will always regret. The shutting out is a clear sign of the future of the relationship.
BruisedBNBroken Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 I have so many, I would be here for hours trying to list them. Funny how that works, huh. Totally obsessed, stupid and enchanted with someone in an affair world that I would never, ever, ever, did I mention ever, have a relationship in the real world with. I clearly have serious external validation issues. - he's completely emotionally unavailable. If anyone reads the Baggae Reclaim blog, he is the poster child if the emotionally unavailable assclown. - completely selfish and constantly complaining about how stressful his life is - major narcassistic personality traits - needs his ego fed constantly, makes career decisions based on where he will get the most public recognition and flattery. Attends events and accepts invitations where he knows people will congratulate and fawn all over him for his "amazing" intellect and work accomplishments. - He lives for the short term highs and does not consider how his behavior effects anything long term. - he's insecure. - he says hurtful things to push people away because he's too much of a coward to say no or tell the truth Wow, that felt good!! Thanks for starting this post. 2
Goodbye Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 If not in love with him, his weight gain and hair loss could bug me. And his need to correct everyone's grammar. 3
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