MicahC Posted November 15, 2004 Posted November 15, 2004 Hi everybody, I just wanted your opinion on this PLEASE. A real quick history of my now ex-girlfriend and I. She broke it off completely 3 weeks ago. We are both in our late 30’s, she has children from a previous marriage, I have no children and never been married. We were friends for 6 months before dating for two years. We met at work and neither of us was looking for a relationship. We dated, fell in love and were planning on marriage and having a child together. Well about 1 year into our dating I got ill w/ depression and did not know it. I’m a F/T graduate student and I work F/T. The stress was too much. I also had a bad marijuana habit. It took its toll on us, especially her. I was moody, irritable, and had low self esteem. Well she dumped me saying she could not take me behavior anymore. I never treated them bad, just was moody and crabby a lot. After I denied it for a while, I realized that she was right and took immediate action to better my life for everyone around me. I quit smoking weed immediately. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed w/ depression and got on the right medication. I was cured, no bad moods or any other symptoms. I am like a brand new man. She seen the difference in me and everything seemed to be going very well for us to get back together and continue our lives. We were hugging and saying I love you and all the good stuff. Well two weeks ago I emailed her saying that I missed her and the kids and was looking forward to being a part of their lives again. To my surprise she responded by saying that she doesn’t have time for me anymore, she will let me go so I can be happy. She also said she has put up a ‘wall’ because of my past behavior and the hurt I caused her. I asked her if there was another man, she says no. She also stated that she is not in love w/ me anymore, does not miss or think about me. At the same time she says she still has feelings for me, loves and cares for me and wants to be friends. This was 2 weeks ago. I am still very much in love with her and the kids. She said she is unable to give me a second chance to show her I have changed my ways, because of her ‘wall’. How can someone fall out of love so quickly? I’m very disappointed that she would give up on something that I thought was very rare, true love. We were truely in love just a few months ago. I feel so crushed now. I don’t believe her when she says she is not in love w/ me anymore, I think she might be in denial or won’t admit it anymore? I just don’t know what to do now, my dream for the future has vanished. Any advice to my heartache? What should I do, try to forget her after 2 ½ years? Maybe she will come around one day and realize the great love we shared ? Thanks everybody
bluechocolate Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 How can someone fall out of love so quickly? It wasn't quick though, was it? The stress was too much. I also had a bad marijuana habit. It took its toll on us, especially her. I was moody, irritable, and had low self esteem. Well she dumped me saying she could not take me behavior anymore. I never treated them bad, just was moody and crabby a lot. ----------------- And to be fair to her I think someone being moody & crabby a lot can be very much like being badly treated. Especially when there are children around - they pick up on your mood & the tension in a household. Well two weeks ago I emailed her saying that I missed her and the kids and was looking forward to being a part of their lives again. Maybe you jumped the gun a little quick there? Maybe she will come around one day and realize the great love we shared ? Maybe she will. In the meantime keep working on getting better & addressing those issues which gave you low self-esteem & kept you doped up. She also stated that she is not in love w/ me anymore, does not miss or think about me. She is saying that because she believes it will help you "to let her go so you can be happy." At the same time she says she still has feelings for me, loves and cares for me and wants to be friends. Most people do not want to intentionally hurt others. She's not going to say, "I hate your guts, I never want to speak to you again". Although some people do get driven to that point - continually asking to get back together has the potential of driving people to that point. You're going to have to drop the subject matter with her for the time being. If she is not shutting off all contact with you then you still have a chance to win her back, but don't spend your time apart dwelling on that prospect. Like I said, continue to get better & take each day as it comes. You don't know the future yet, but with or without her, you will survive.
Author MicahC Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 Thank you very much. You are right about everything. It didn't happend quickly, but over time...she did say. I was moody and grumpy, but that was before we knew why....I'm a funny, joking around kind of guy, but the depression and weed really messed me up. We spoke yesterday and she said that she wouldn't contact me for a few months, but I could still call her once in a while to chat. I don't think that's a good idea....she needs her space and time to help heal the wounds and let her "wall" down. She does know that I would do anything for her and the kids, but I don't think she would ask.....very proud and sometimes stubborn woman. She's the best thing that happend to me and my illness and bad habit destroyed that. I have changed my life for the better, no dope and no depression :-)
bluechocolate Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 We spoke yesterday and she said that she wouldn't contact me for a few months, but I could still call her once in a while to chat. I don't think that's a good idea....she needs her space and time to help heal the wounds and let her "wall" down. I agree. And you need some space to adjust to life without her & put all of your focus on yourself. She does know that I would do anything for her and the kids, but I don't think she would ask.....very proud and sometimes stubborn woman. Send her a card for Christmas & some little gifts for the kids - addressed to her (she may want to protect her children so let her decide if she wants them to have gifts from you - so don't spend a lot of money, but I don't think a kind gesture at Christmas would go amiss). Mail them to her - she'll probably call or write to thank you so this could be an opportunity to gauge what her feelings are 6 weeks from now. I think chronic dope smoking really can affect mood & cause depression - I've heard this from many friends. I have changed my life for the better, no dope and no depression Already there are good things happening because of the break up. Sometimes we learn things the hard way, but as long as we're learning we'll be OK. I hope things continue to work out well for you.
Author MicahC Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 The X-mas gifts (small) for the kids is a great idea and I will send to her for the girls and a card for her. I really believe the weed combined w/ depression was a bad mix, very bad. But I have not smoked in 2 months and am on meds for the blues:-) I am a totally different man now, strong, focused, not overly emotional, friendly, smiling etc. Everybody has noticed a positive difference in me, including her. I think my life change came a little too late for her to change her mind and let go of the past memories. She also told me on the phone that I could call her to do things together....as friends of course......I'll wait a good while (2 months?) to ask her to do anything together.
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