I don't blame wife for affair.

[Fredflintstone]

This is such a complicated story if I typed it all out so I'll just give the bare bones to start with.

 

We have been together for 18 years now, we met when I was 20 and she was 19 we have 2 children 11 and 19 (he was 15 weeks old when we met).I think my wife would agree when I say that during that time our relationship/marriage wasn't as good as it could of been especially the passed 2 years I got heavily into my computer and made some good friends around the world whilst doing it. They were essentially my social life. I also don't think i was in the best of health, mentally or physically for many years, I was depressed and put on about 4 stone at my worst although i managed to pull out of if and lost the weight and my mental health improved alot. My wife also suffered similiar mental health problems.

 

About a month ago my wife left me for the second time this year to live at her mothers who was away on holiday and so had the house to herself, I knew we were in bad shape and after a very short time I started to realise what an ass I had been, how badly i had treated her and vowed to make changes. I felt my computer time was far too much (my wife agreed) and I decided to get rid of it. Just before she herself went on holiday to meet her parents she started moving her things back in, said some things that encouraged me greatly and made me feel that there was actually a chance that things would get better.

 

 

About 2 weeks ago I found some very current email notifications on my wifes old laptop (twitter chat notifications) which she gave to me a while ago, for some reason her email was still linked to the laptop which I did not know about until I accidently stumbled over it trying to check my own emails.

From what I could gather her phone network was playing up and this man had resorted to twitter to talk with her, thats the only reason I found out at all. I immediately set up a twitter account to dig a little deeper into this and found this guy, he was only following her, so i assume he'd set up his account alongtime ago and only added her to it, i was very suspicious. I confronted my wife via text (by this time she only had a few days left of her holiday) she denied it and said he was just a friend and that she was allowed to have friends that I didn't know about. I do remember her telling me about this guy before, she thought we were related and thats how she first made contact via facebook about 18 months ago.

When she came back from holiday she immediately confessed and said she'd been involved with him for about 4 months, there was some tears and anger but very strangely I didn't feel as bad as I would have thought, considering what I'd read. Although I hated the fact that she'd been seeing a guy (20 years older than her, I bet he thought his luck was in) I knew that I had to take the responsibility of putting her in that situation, alot of it was my fault when I look back over the years and how upset she was that I wasn't paying her the attention she deserved (it's very complicated!).

It's been about 2 weeks now, I made my wife tell her family, they never thought she would do something like that but some of them commented that they were not surprised. They were surprised about my reaction and so am I. Some, including my wife, initially assumed that I must have done it to her in the past and therefore couldn't in good conscience make too much of it. I know it's bad that she had an affair, I've forgiven her already. I do however think about it alot and have in the passed few days started to get angry and think of other ways she could have dealt with it, I have been analysing it too much I think.

My wife is deeply regretful of her actions, she didn't think I even loved her and I don't blame her for that. I told her before I knew about this that I realised how much I actually did love her, she cried alot and told me she wished I had told her sooner(thats why she began moving back before her holiday). I guess when I thought our marriage was finally over I realised just how much I would regret it. She told me everything there was to know, I have made big changes and we've done things together and as a family that we haven't done in a while. On one hand I feel this guy took advantage of her vulnerability ( he knew our marraige wasn't great) but on the other hand I made her feel that way. If she didn't have this affair I'm not sure if I would have woken up yet, I was such and idiot.

 

The thing that is worrying me though is my lack of feelings about this affair. I have never strayed, she hasn't until now (as far as I know) I think I know her enough to believe the things she's saying to me. When I asked her to end this affair she did, straight away and told me she was going to end it anyway as all she's ever wanted was to feel loved by me. On the downside, she's absolutely terrified I'll leave, she said that it's ok if I want to have sex with another woman if I thought it would help (which it wouldn't , I couldn't do that to her, weird or what). She just seems to be over doing it, trying to prove that she's a good wife.

I am just worried about my attitude towards this, it's not normal. I have scoured the internet for similair situations but found none, this is the first time I've posted anything like this. I feel to blame for putting her in this situation, I love her deeply but am I heading for disaster, should I been feeling more? don't get me wrong, I've cried,got angry but not about the affair, just about what I've done to her to make her do it and angry toward her for not coming up with another solution.

 

what do you guys/girls think?

Edited September 2, 2013 by Fredflintstone
spelling mistake

[dichotomy]

While its good you have realized what a mess your life and marriage had become - there is no excuse for cheating.

[vla1120]

I agree with others, don't be willing to take the brunt of the blame for her affair. The marital problems can be shared 50/50, but not the betrayal. She owns that.

 

The fact that you're not upset about the affair could be a delayed reaction, or you may have fallen out of love with one another (or are in danger of doing so). Perhaps counseling will help you sort out these feelings and find a way for the two of you to move forward together and rekindle your relationship. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild. If you find the magic formula, please let me know.

[smoky eyes]

Or it might just mean that you are a reasonable person and see where it came from and can see your wife clearly despite the affair. I don't think things are always so cut and dried as some posters here do. It sounds like you ARE feeling it a bit (the anger you describe) but that you're able to forgive given extenuating circumstances.

 

Or maybe it just hasn't hit you yet. Time will tell.

[Steadfast]

One can always find justification for cheating. In time, everyone gets to know the strengths and weaknesses of their partner. The cheater can easily call up excuses for their actions and because the betrayed is so overwhelmed and shocked, taking the blame is a natural progression.

 

I suspect your bold thread title effects few here. Most of us at one time or another wondered exactly what we did to cause our partners to cheat. The demographic is absolutely insidious. When we realize our cheating spouse actually allowed us to take the fall, it destroys what's left of the marriage.

 

Unless you held wifely and OM at gunpoint, the cheating is on her. How you react is your business. Know that when it comes to cheating, you're dealing with a veteran group of used car salespeople here. It'll be difficult to pull the wool over their eyes, but many of the cheaters will happily agree.

[Fredflintstone]

Or it might just mean that you are a reasonable person and see where it came from and can see your wife clearly despite the affair. I don't think things are always so cut and dried as some posters here do. It sounds like you ARE feeling it a bit (the anger you describe) but that you're able to forgive given extenuating circumstances.

 

Or maybe it just hasn't hit you yet. Time will tell.

 

Couldn't sleep this morning, went downstairs at 2am, my wife followed me, she knew what was going on in my head. She's been constantly apologising and saying how she will try to make it up to me. I just broke down, so did she, I feel like the mat of life has been ripp from under me. At least I am starting to let things out, I felt Better after

[BeholdtheMan]

You're wife is solely to blame for cheating

 

You're both to blame for the problems in your marriage...comprende?

[Fredflintstone]

Yup, I understand, I just feel I put her in a position that made her vulnerable. I don't want this to get worse but it's hard to shut it out.