3 Years Lost

[OmegaProphet]

Hello everyone,

 

I want to start by saying thank you to everyone on here that helps people and responds with kindness. Although this is my first post I have been here countless times in the past month and the stories and responses I have read really helped. I think it is fair for me to share my troubles and maybe let you guys give me some guidance on my problems.

 

Three years ago I met a girl on the beaches of Puerto Rico, she was just a vision of something I have never seen before. Never in my life had I been in love or really even considered the possibility of finding it. At this point in my life I was 27 and yeah I have dated before and been with others but I could differentiate between love and lust. This girl had me before she even spoke, and I thought she felt the same way after the fact.

 

We became inseparable and relished our time together in those few short weeks. It was like sliding on a pair of shoes well broken in and comfortable, the ones you would feel alien without. When the time came to leave we made promises to each other and it was a heart wrenching thing to get on that plane to leave.

 

The promises were kept, we talked and talked and emailed and skyped. She visited me several times, I did everything I could think of to make her feel happy and safe, but it was all natural and not forced. When I met her she was a virgin, is that shocking? If you think about the people she comes from and the respect the Puerto Rican women place on their innocence it isn't. Let's just say that our sex life was incredible, she was a virgin so it was all new to her, I was a virgin in love so the feeling was mutual.

 

Now I was not the most stable person, I had my faults and I chased a dream that led to nowhere and left me broke in the end. That dream was music, and for a time it was something great in my life. The drugs and the drinking changed everything and made me miserable, it was at that point when she came into my life. I had been over a year sober from everything and when I met her I vowed to never do it again. No worries, I never went back if that is what you are thinking.

 

She decided to move to be with me, I was excited but worried. Excited because I loved her dearly, worried because I was 28 and had not one single dime to my name. I scrambled and found work as fast as possible and convinced a relative to let her and I stay with her. My fiance at this point did not care, and neither did I, we were just happy to be together.

 

This is where the trouble began. I paid rent to the relative and we lived in a house that had a lot of chaos and family drama. It was a struggle for me as an ex musician to begin as something completely different. I now cared for someone else and had to make sure she had everything she needed and wanted as well as pay bills in a house where drama persisted.

 

Cut to a year later and we are still there, she hates my family and constantly tells me that she does. It causes a lot of sadness and arguments between us. Money is tight always but we make due but never are able to reach past this place. I loved her dearly but she had no desire to work, and wanted me to fill out her applications then blamed me when nothing happened. All this time she goes back and forth between P.R and here, every few months we had to get her plane tickets to go home to see her ailing grandmother. That was a huge blow to any kind of progress in obtaining a house, $1,000 every few months is devastating.

 

She is beautiful and very insecure, needing constant affirmations of love and attention. I gave that freely but soon discovered something about her that changed everything. I never once doubted her love for me until I began to experiment with social networking, I hated social networks with a passion. What I discovered was a woman who loved to flirt and give comfort to other men, even allowing them to blatantly use sexual online advances. I brought it to her attention and I was devastated, she told me "I can talk to anyone I want, and say whatever I want".

 

This was the woman I loved and planned to marry, the woman who I could see having my children. After a few months of her continuing these online activities I felt cheated and broken. In a fatal mistake I began to talk to another woman that aided in comforting me, but I flirted with her as well. It only lasted a few days but my guilt caused me to confess to my fiance. She made me suffer horribly for it, sleepless nights of her on the bed, me on the floor. Arguments and threats of leaving me, how I destroyed her faith in me.

 

I became bitter and changed, I felt like even though I was wrong to have done what I did. She accepted no responsibility for her actions and would not talk to me for days if I tried talking about how she had hurt me. All the while I was constantly apologizing for my indiscretion and vowed to never let another woman talk to me like that again.

 

Six months later we have begun to be off and on in our relationship. My feelings are always being questioned and told that they are wrong and that I do not understand her. At this point I am still finding her chatting with other men, telling them blatant lies about me and how I treat her. It is almost like the novel 1984, I am the oppressor and her the innocent foreign country that has always been at war and no other.

 

One month ago today she left to Puerto Rico to take care of her mom, and to study while she is there. The day she landed she broke up with me and just changed completely. Before she left we had been ok for a few months and everything seemed to be going good. The second she broke up with me there was no longer any compassion or understanding. A switch had been flicked and she wanted to be friends.

 

This whole month has been crazy and painful. She wants to speak about what I did wrong and how I ruined her, yet when I try to respond she yells at me and ignores me for hours. Then she returns demanding apologies and telling me that I am wrong that I have to accept what I have done to her. At the end of all of her responses are she just wants to be friends, she loves me, she is not wanting a relationship. She doesn't know what the future might hold, she will only be in a relationship with the man she met 3 years ago.

 

After pouring over this website I give myself resolve with your help to other people. I tell her to not speak to me, I need time if there is to be only a friendship. I tell her I love her dearly and it is not something I can change right away, I need to heal. She got so mad at me and made me feel like I was giving her this great treason, how dare I throw away 3 years. I am her "best friend" and it is "a terrible blow to her life" she tells me in emails. She even sends me emails with old love letters talking about how she misses this man and mourns his passing.

 

That email caved me in my resolve and I started talking to her again. I am now currently talking to her as a "friend" with no ability to say how I feel without recourse. The other night we talked for hours on the phone and right before she fell asleep she told me she loved me. It devastated me and I spent the next few hours crying, I never really cried before her.

 

What am I doing to myself? I know in my heart that I love her and I forgive her for everything. I have my faults, I have problems, I am going to therapy since we broke up. I am even on medication right now for depression. When she asked if I was getting help I told her the truth, that yes I am. She responded "Good, you need it, I tried helping you but you never listened". I feel like a monster or something.

 

Wow that felt good to write, I need some help and input. Thank you for reading all of that, I know it was a novel.

Edited September 2, 2013 by OmegaProphet
Had to break it into paragraphs

[keepontruckin]

Happens all the time, bro...

 

Sometimes people just aren't the right fit. Don't blame yourself, either... We are whom we are!

 

Now, listen to my advice, since I made every mistake in the book!

 

You will be angry, and you will be sad. You will want to convey these feelings to her. And you most likely will, contrary to the advice given here...

 

The only advice I can give you is to remain cool like Fonzie... Everyone liked Fonzie, so be cool like him...

[OmegaProphet]

I like that idea, keep it cool like Fonzie. Today was actually easier than any other day so far, I used your advice before knowing it. When I did speak to her I gave her a cool collected treatment. It drove her crazy but I just didn't respond to anything that I felt she tried to demand answers for.

[Omei]

If shes left you go NC.

 

Cry do what you need to do, come back in 5 month re-read your post and see all the lovely things you mentioned here and what she does back.

 

You deserve so much more. I dont recommend living with your next gf in a dramatic situation again tho, get your own place togther.