htnmbn Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I've got a complicated situation that I would appreciate some input in. I'm going to be as upfront as I can since this will allow ppl to gauge myself and my wife. So I've been married for 2yr now to a women that from the 1st day we started dating I knew would be my wife someday. That being the case I cheated on her off & on prior to getting married. Yes I was wrong and in my head I justified it for several reasons (which don't need to be discussed further). Anyways she found out after we were married and we went through counseling and worked through it. Knowing that I was in the wrong I knew that this would be something that would loom over me no matter how good of a husband I was. But I went about my married life with my life being an open book for her (she has access to anything of mine) to show that I was serious about our marriage and its survival. Fast forward to year 2 and things are going alright (I can be a bit overly sensitive and not terribly talkative...I know this and try to make it up to her in other areas). But I was getting a sneaking feeling she is having relations with someone else and I suspected someone at her job (she is outgoing and makes friends easy a quality I admire however I know how things can turn "bad"). In a moment of weakness I mentioned and she said no and I let it be. A couple weeks ago she told me in effort to spice up our sex life she took pics and uploaded them under an alias and intended to show me but found out it was public and took down the whole thing. At first I said no problem and it was cute she did that (but I never saw the pictures). Well my curiosity got the best of me days later and I decided to do some digging around online and found the deleted page on reddit and another page with her regular username on reddit. And her story did not match up...she was commenting on other guy's almost naked pics..she posted pics of herself on reddit for compliments and responded to a guy thanking him for what he said. That provoked me to go through her email (yeah wrong but my emotions were running very high) and found she had profiles on a couple dating sites none of them very active but what she said in the profile section was suggesting she was looking for a nsa arrangement. The dating sites were supposedly created to see if I were on them (which makes no sense as my social media presence has been nill since being married). And she refused to admit to commenting on ppl's pic and responding to the compliment she recieved on reddit...even though I told her I was looking at it on my screen. Well at the end she admitted to looking at other ppl's pictures and what she did was wrong (i dont care she looked at other ppl's pics I watch porn and look at pics but I dont write compliments). During the whole ordeal (went on for 5 days) I was very calm and non-judgemental. I mean I did cheat on her before we were married so I can't fly off the handle cus that serves no purpose. But it kills me even now 2 weeks later..trying to get over it has proved to be challenging. I know if it was the other way around she would be pissed and our marriage would be done. So did she cheat? How do I move forward? She no longer wants to talk about it and honestly its taxing keeping myself in check when I was talking about it to her. Now I have all this doubt and it sucks...I feel inadequate cus what I look like is no where near the pictures she was drooling over. And yes her body type and look can be seen in some of the porn/pic I look at. Plus knowing how she would react if it was me makes it twisted...cus she wasn't calm when finding out about my action prior to our marriage. -emotionally lost newbie husband
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) You married her under false pretenses. She didn't know you cheated on her; she very well may have decided not to marry you if she had known. What do you think? Some betrayed spouses have set up fake profiles to see if their cheaters are out there and will take the bait. I don't think that is your wife's situation, but who knows? I think she was attempting to cheat. I think maybe she did cheat but you just didn't find the evidence of it yet. I think you are in a tough spot, because you can't prove any thing one way or the other. So all you are left with is her semi-implausible denial and a lot of lingering doubt. I honestly don't see her working through your cheating and being done with it after a little counseling. I think her actions now, whether as an attempt to cheat or an attempt to see if you still are cheating, are based in your original cheating. You could probably help her feel more secure if you stop looking at other girls' pictures and give up the porn. I'm guessing here, but she probably wants to feel like the girl you have sexual feelings for, the girl you desire, the girl who has so much to offer that you don't need to look at other girls' pictures or at porn. I don't know about your wife, but many women feel hurt, like they are not good enough, when their boyfriends/husbands look at porn. Kind of how you feel when you see the pictures of the guys she was drooling over, only for women, the feeling is much worse. Edited September 2, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick 2
Author htnmbn Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) You married her under false pretenses. She didn't know you cheated on her; she very well may have decided not to marry you if she had known. What do you think? Some betrayed spouses have set up fake profiles to see if their cheaters are out there and will take the bait. I don't think that is your wife's situation, but who knows? I think she was attempting to cheat. I think maybe she did cheat but you just didn't find the evidence of it yet. I think you are in a tough spot, because you can't prove any thing one way or the other. So all you are left with is her semi-implausible denial and a lot of lingering doubt. I honestly don't see her working through your cheating and being done with it after a little counseling. I think her actions now, whether as an attempt to cheat or an attempt to see if you still are cheating, are based in your original cheating. You could probably help her feel more secure if you stop looking at other girls' pictures and give up the porn. I'm guessing here, but she probably wants to feel like the girl you have sexual feelings for, the girl you desire, the girl who has so much to offer that you don't need to look at other girls' pictures or at porn. I don't know about your wife, but many women feel hurt, like they are not good enough, when their boyfriends/husbands look at porn. Kind of how you feel when you see the pictures of the guys she was drooling over, only for women, the feeling is much worse. Totally agree with the false pretense comment as that was brought in our sessions. But if it was that bad than I told her she shouldnt stay married to me, I dont want to feel like I tricked her into marrying me (even though to some it might appear that way). And the fake accounts would make sense if she saw that I was on those sites...but as I mentioned before that all went out the window before marrying her. So that does confuse me. Yeah I had a feeling she did in fact cheat but she will confidently say that she would never do that. Which I want to believe but finding out the little I did makes me wonder ALOT. We've discussed the pics/porn and she does feel insecure but I tell her its because I recognize that my sex drive overpowers her and why try and get rejected by her when I can do 'that' and keep myself in check. She is not one who will let me have it when I want it normally happens when she is in the mood. That being the case my viewing activities are casual as I'm not dwelling over the pictures and asking them for more pictures. Which shows how the sexes differ...her actions make the whole experience personal where mine is lust driven with no feeling. I understand my previous actions still lingers but the way I see it is if she isn't moving towards getting over it than I will never feel like we can progress and get closer. And finding this definitely is not helping. Edited September 2, 2013 by htnmbn
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 We've discussed the pics/porn and she does feel insecure but I tell her its because I recognize that my sex drive overpowers her and why try and get rejected by her when I can do 'that' and keep myself in check. She is not one who will let me have it when I want it normally happens when she is in the mood. That being the case my viewing activities are casual as I'm not dwelling over the pictures and asking them for more pictures. Which shows how the sexes differ...her actions make the whole experience personal where mine is lust driven with no feeling. Women need to feel desired. How does what you've posted play out in your life? That you only have sex when she's in the mood. How do you know when she's in the mood? Do you wait for her to come to you for sex? Does she have to initiate most of the time? Most women I know don't like to have to initiate very often. I think young guys especially underestimate how much a woman wants to be pursued and feel desired. Like when you were dating her and trying to win her over. LACK OF ATTENTION, lack of feeling sexually desired is the number one complaint of the women who cheat, judging based on this forum. How do you think it makes her feel if, when she's not in the mood, you just find some pixels on the screen that can do the trick? Does the porn ever affect your libido with her? The frequency of sex is something you BOTH may have to give in a little on. I can guarantee you that the porn still bothers her, despite your "but it helps me not bother you" comment. She WANTS to be bothered. It takes a while to get over the cheating. It feels much worse and takes much longer to get over being cheated on than doing the cheating. You've still got a lot of unresolved stuff under the surface in your marriage. 2
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Also, "trying and getting rejected by her" might be part of the penance she wants you to pay for cheating. I wouldn't rule out that she still is very resentful that you cheated and "got away with it" without much in the way of consequences, and now she's supposed to be over it and go on as if it never happened. Her behavior may be the result of that, whether that is what she is consciously thinking or not. 1
Bryanp Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I am sorry but if she was on sites looking for sex with no strings attached and sending sexy photos of herself then the chances of her already cheating on you are pretty good. In addition, she had no problem lying to you about the photos. Two years into the marriage and you have this major problem with her looks very very bad. You may want the both of you to get tested for STD's. Do not have children with her for a couple of years. Having a wife on those dating sites for sex with no strings attached would be a deal breaker for many men.
Author htnmbn Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 Women need to feel desired. How does what you've posted play out in your life? That you only have sex when she's in the mood. How do you know when she's in the mood? Do you wait for her to come to you for sex? Does she have to initiate most of the time? Most women I know don't like to have to initiate very often. I think young guys especially underestimate how much a woman wants to be pursued and feel desired. Like when you were dating her and trying to win her over. LACK OF ATTENTION, lack of feeling sexually desired is the number one complaint of the women who cheat, judging based on this forum. How do you think it makes her feel if, when she's not in the mood, you just find some pixels on the screen that can do the trick? Does the porn ever affect your libido with her? The frequency of sex is something you BOTH may have to give in a little on. I can guarantee you that the porn still bothers her, despite your "but it helps me not bother you" comment. She WANTS to be bothered. It takes a while to get over the cheating. It feels much worse and takes much longer to get over being cheated on than doing the cheating. You've still got a lot of unresolved stuff under the surface in your marriage. I'm overly affectionate and dislike rejection so when my attempts to show her affection or pushed to the side time and time again (this has been something that has been going on for 4-5yr but I used to get my jollies elsewhere when that happened) it brought my self-esteem down. So she does have to start things because its very rare that if I express interest that anything comes about it. And the porn doesnt affect my libido it keeps me "sexually sane"...if I had my way we would be doing it way more than we do. I understand how it can be perceived negatively, but for our case I don't feel that it should. Also, "trying and getting rejected by her" might be part of the penance she wants you to pay for cheating. I wouldn't rule out that she still is very resentful that you cheated and "got away with it" without much in the way of consequences, and now she's supposed to be over it and go on as if it never happened. Her behavior may be the result of that, whether that is what she is consciously thinking or not. I'm sure she is resentful...and I get that but doing what she did does not make it any better. Now there are two people who have lost trust in the other and that sucks! Guess I'm just longing for when things will be somewhat normal and I'm not afraid of random questions or reactions due to things in the past.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I am sorry but if she was on sites looking for sex with no strings attached and sending sexy photos of herself then the chances of her already cheating on you are pretty good. In addition, she had no problem lying to you about the photos. Two years into the marriage and you have this major problem with her looks very very bad. You may want the both of you to get tested for STD's. Do not have children with her for a couple of years. Having a wife on those dating sites for sex with no strings attached would be a deal breaker for many men. I would agree that either she already hooked up for sex or she was about to and you just somehow caught it in time. What would you think, since your wife says she didn't trust you, and that's why she was on those sites, and now you don't trust your wife, because you doubt her story, that you both offer to take a polygraph? You offer to take one to prove to your wife that you have been honest with her, and in return she offers to take one to prove she is being honest with you. It may help to remove the distrust between the two of you.
Author htnmbn Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 I am sorry but if she was on sites looking for sex with no strings attached and sending sexy photos of herself then the chances of her already cheating on you are pretty good. In addition, she had no problem lying to you about the photos. Two years into the marriage and you have this major problem with her looks very very bad. You may want the both of you to get tested for STD's. Do not have children with her for a couple of years. Having a wife on those dating sites for sex with no strings attached would be a deal breaker for many men. we both get tested regularly (she kinda holds the cheating over my head during those times). and it sucks cus there is no way of finding out if she did anything...but I was the one who brought the wrong into the marriage so I cant get all mighty on her. you are right having all these issues in 2 years isnt a good indication, but other than this there is no other women I can see myself spending the rest of my life with or being the future mother of my children
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I'm overly affectionate and dislike rejection so when my attempts to show her affection or pushed to the side time and time again (this has been something that has been going on for 4-5yr but I used to get my jollies elsewhere when that happened) it brought my self-esteem down. So she does have to start things because its very rare that if I express interest that anything comes about it. And the porn doesnt affect my libido it keeps me "sexually sane"...if I had my way we would be doing it way more than we do. I understand how it can be perceived negatively, but for our case I don't feel that it should. I'm sure she is resentful...and I get that but doing what she did does not make it any better. Now there are two people who have lost trust in the other and that sucks! Guess I'm just longing for when things will be somewhat normal and I'm not afraid of random questions or reactions due to things in the past. I get the feeling you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. What you are doing is not working. It may be time to try a different approach. Your marriage is either going to be short, or long and miserable. You should be aiming for long and happy.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) we both get tested regularly (she kinda holds the cheating over my head during those times). You both get tested regularly for STDs? Why? How often? Edited September 2, 2013 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick
Author htnmbn Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 You both get tested regularly for STDs? Why? How often? once a year...she insists on it. i get a little insulted when she pushes it on me..but its what I did that I think is making her be that persistent
oldshirt Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 (edited) If she were insecure and suspicious she would be putting keyloggers on your computer, hacking your email, facebook and cphone. putting gps trackers and voice activated recorders in your car and having her friends snoop on you. Putting nakey pictures and profiles looking for NSA sex and interacting with other men (that she clearly knows is not you) on the internet is an intentional and proactive act. Women do not put nudie pics of themselves and discuss their sexual desires and interact in a sexual manner with other men unless they are looking to score. In other words if she was reacting to her suspiciousness about you, she would be spying on you. Posting nudie pics and saying she is looking for NSA is a proactive act looking for NSA sex. If she was going to do any kind of decoy work to see if you would be on a sex site she would hire a PI to do it or she would get one of her girlfriends to do it and she certainly wouldn't post her own pictures of herself on it. I call BS on her story. Now whether she has actually got it on with someone or not yet will require some snooping and detective work of your own but there is clearly just cause for legitimate concern here. Edited September 2, 2013 by oldshirt 2
whatatangledweb Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I would put a keylogger on her computer if you really think she is cheating. She may have cheated or she may not have. Seems as though she was at least thinking about it. Neither of you trusting the other is going to destroy your marriage if you do not find a way to fix it. Trust can be earned again after an affair. It takes a lot of hard work but it can be done.
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 So you want her to get over the fact that you cheated on her and scammed her into marrying you- go through all the mental torture and hard work of reconciliation, etc.... But you can't give up porn? Wow. How about temporarily giving up the porn 100% during the R process until your marriage is stable? 2-5 years according to loveshack.
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